UpStreamFireExplosion LLC is a startup digital storytelling platform/plant subscription service/pyrotechnics rental company. We’re looking for a freelance, full-time editor to manage our company’s online content for at least 40 hours a week, all without desiring benefits. The ideal candidate would fit in with an ambitious team of Hustlers and Grinders (i.e. tech people and salespeople), who all, weirdly enough, have benefits.
As a company built for the 21st century, UpStreamFireExplosion LLC is disrupting the tech, media and raging fire industries by finally putting together a bunch of stuff that no one needs. We’re smart. We’re savvy. We’re innovative. We live and die by bean bag chairs, oftentimes literally. We work hard (slap desks) and play hard (eat cocaine). Our trendy font screams venture capital. We’re obsessed with the newest cultural trends, especially ones that involve circumventing basic labor laws. We don’t know what the “freelance” and “full-time” mean, and it’s not your job to tell us. And that is how we’re disrupting the industry.
We need a self-starter who is smart, snappy, can work fast with no direction or communication, for forty hours a week with no health insurance, paid vacation or bargaining rights. If you’re fun, sharp, have a unique voice, and have never Googled “how to start a union,” you’ve got what we’re looking for!
Responsibilities include cranking out steaming hot content about breaking news, politics, entertainment, culture, the arts, lifestyle, health, tech, space wars, Edible Arrangements, Lasik disasters, flight manual updates, middle school violin concerts and more. You MUST find an angle that connects to our brand; it is YOUR job to keep us relevant as a digital media/plant subscription/pyrotechnics rental company. And when we say you need to be on top of it, you need to be ON TOP OF each of these categories. But don’t take TOO long keeping up, because you have eighteen seconds to write every 261-word post, all of which should be so good that the members of the Pulitzer Prize committee would rather shit their pants on the train than to not give a prestigious award to you, someone who left working freelance in order to have the exact same job insecurity and lack of benefits, but for more hours a week.
It doesn’t stop there. We need someone who’s not just ready and willing to work outside of their job description, but READY and WILLING to work outside of their job description. This can include but is not limited to:
- Finding ketamine for our CEO
- Not taking the last LaCroix even though it’s your only saving grace at our hellhole
- Squashing cockroaches and/or other enemies of the company
- Berating our stupid unpaid intern from MIT
- Social media, newsletters, marketing, web design, heading the diversity department, and other miscellaneous tasks
Venture into uncharted territory of responsibility that we, theoretically, should pay you more for. We’re all about adventure!
- A master’s degree in English, journalism, communications, or something else the rest of our staff can make fun of.
- Demonstrated ability to replace doctor’s visits and sick days with Post-It notes of affirmations glued to your eyelids.
- Exactly 6.27 years of experience in a management role. NO MORE NO LESS. WE ARE SERIOUS.
- MUST BE okay with our unpaid intern frothing at the mouth (she should really get insurance).
- MUST BE available to work Monday through Friday, nights and weekends and in your sleep.
- MUST BE ABLE TO MEET DEADLINES, FIGHT A LION AND STILL LOOK HOT. SIMPLE AS THAT.
- Negotiable, if you’re trying to be difficult.
Working here is an out-of-body experience, in that the job makes you wish you didn’t have a body that was vulnerable to illness, overwork or the human condition. At least, that’s what our last editor said before she egged our office. If you think you’ve got what it takes to breathe the same air as a roomful of men in Allbirds, send a resume, a cover letter detailing why you’re not a loser who will whine about a “living wage,” six references, a feature-length writing sample that we’re not going to read, five sample tweets written in the blood of our enemies and an academic thesis on which movie dog in history deserved to die the most.
Please convert all Word documents into a Rorschach test and send to [email protected]. Good luck!