Dear Adam and Eve,

Sorry I kicked you out of the Garden of Eden.

In today's social climate, I've learned to not be hasty when judging people because I'm slowly learning that you humans frequently make mistakes. I must empathetically look from your vantage and stop participating in cancel culture.

I commanded you not to eat from the Forbidden Tree otherwise you will surely die. Little did I know that you would defy and trigger me. However, I should not have been quickly angered and should have instead searched about a reasonable explanation for your actions. Thinking back, you two were a bit behind developmentally, despite being encased in fully-grown bodies like Tom Hanks from Big, and could not comprehend simple words like “forbidden,” “eat,” and “die.” But, at the time, I did not realize this and immediately labeled you two as “ignorant.”

I also forgot to explain death. It did not yet exist in nature. I should've recognized that you both were the first-ever beings to set foot on My planet, so you could not even fathom the prospect and magnitude of a doomed mortality within your limited scope of imagination. Again, I did not realize that I withheld information and instead called you out as “problematic” when you did not comply with me.

I probably shouldn't have planted an ambiguous tree in the first place too. I initially thought it was a brilliant idea to covertly test your freewill of good or evil, but that was just plain rude of me, for I did not thoroughly mention the long-term repercussions—like human suffering, terminal diseases, war, endless greed, envy, Ted Cruz, etc —that would seize the future of mankind if you did eat from it. Truly, my bad. Should've probably noted that you'd be trading paradise for sins and politicians. Rather let you explain yourself, I mislabeled you as “toxic to the holy community.”

Here's where I specifically address Eve. I totally thought you were lying about that whole serpent thing. I didn't even know I conjured up such a repulsive creature. I got distracted by all the other neat things I molded like the Priapulida, inspired after I sculpted Adam. Without listening to your side of the story, I instead trended the hashtag #EveTheSleaze.

Anyhow, there's now evidence to prove that a snake did in fact collude you and your blameless, child-like curiosity. Lucifer has admitted that he disguised himself as the zero-legged lizard for the “shits and gigs.” How did I raise such a naughty angel? Is that my fault? Should I probably apologize to him too?

If only I had offered you kids a little redemption after biting into that (frankly) delectable Granny Smith I invented, then world bombardment would never have actualized. Instead, you would be in nirvana with your offspring, frolicking naked and proud through grassy meadows and skinny-dipping in a soon-to-be-installed Mimosa river. Alternatively, I blocked you so you could not even attempt to DM me.

Alas, Earth could not be Heaven, for I gave you two a harsh time-out, slandering you both as sources of wickedness, when I should've just given you a firm scolding followed by a light spanking. As I normally do all the forgiving, I now pray: Please forgive Me, Your Papa, for ruining your reputations upon an entire modern community.

Cordially,

God A.K.A. Dad

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