1. Janice and Mark’s whisper-fights about their upcoming incomplete wedding plans. They’ve been engaged for seven years now.
  2. Mark’s aggressive (and ignorant) commentary approach an offensive line directed at the commercials that use political correctness to sell their product/service that—unbeknownst to 95% of the people at this party—featured women in sexist situations just 3 years earlier.
  3. Mike and Melinda chasing their 5-year-old around the room after he intercepts a 49ers-themed cupcake. He will have already successfully stolen and eaten two cupcakes and is more erratic and amped up than a meth head.
  4. Janice and Mark approaching the red zone as their fight escalates to a quiet growl after Mark suggests that they rent a Spider-Man bounce house…for the adults.
  5. Jeremy rushing to try and balance an important work call, feeding his newborn, and wrangling his insane Goldendoodle, Chillasauraus. The name is a straight-up lie.
  6. Ben popping more Lactaid pills than a college student at Coachella during the DJ Tiesto set. He is lactose intolerant and uses anywhere from 4 to 20 Lactaid pills because “[Ben] would rather die in a grease fire than give up these trash can nachos.”
  7. Brittany using pointed passive-aggressive phrases at her husband every time he “eats like a slob.” I might make a bingo board and include her favorite phrases from last year which include, “I forgot your memory is so bad…”, “Like father like son…”, and “Wow, classic you!”
  8. Everyone’s commentary about how bad the commercials are this year and how they could definitely write a funnier commercial no doubt. No actual ideas will be shared.
  9. Janice and Mark coming to a wedding compromise and have a very extended and wildly inappropriate make out session on the couch. It’s weird but still better than the game.
  10. Frank blowing on his bite of food for four minutes straight. It is mesmerizing to watch his patience and concentration. The food will not warrant the extended cooling. He burned his tongue three years ago and apparently suffered a mild form of PTSD.
  11. Eric performing his painfully bad Rodney Dangerfield impression during one of the best commercials. Aligned with the irony of the joke, Eric does not get any respect.
  12. Karen unsuccessfully pitching everyone whatever pyramid scheme she’s currently involved with. I fell for her Herbalife pitch back in 2016 and even though I lost money on it I’d do it all again rather than sit through another CTE inducing Super Bowl game.
  13. The excuses given to me when I try to recruit one of the party patrons to become an Herbalife member. I just need one more to complete my Herba-home and make it to Herba-captain Tier 3.