Let me tell you exactly what we do at this company.
Our company is multi-faceted, which means we do a multitude of different things. We don’t just have one facet, like some of these other, low-achieving, simple-minded companies. We have multiple facets and we do a variety of things which is impressive because have you ever tried to read a book and listen to music at the same time? It’s impossible. But we can do that, except more of them and even better.
A core focus for us is research. We love research. It’s our cornerstone. It’s our heart and soul. It’s our bread and butter. It’s the oil in our engines. It’s the wheels on our carriage. Research being the wheels, us being the carriage. I won’t keep going even though I have a whole list of these. Basically, we got our smart people taking out their computer machines and clack clack clacking away on those keys to look those important things up and to find those important things out. Because at the end of the workday when the sun goes down and the chickens craw and the tide rolls high, our research makes us better at what we do.
Another one of our goals is to just spread our message. We like to get our message everywhere so that it reaches everyone. You’re in Paris? You’ve heard our message. You’re in Morocco? You’ve heard our message too. You’re in Istanbul? You bet you’ve heard our message! You're in Nairobi? You know what, we haven't gotten to you yet but stay tuned. Name any city except for Nairobi and we have most definitely gotten our message to you. No seriously, let's all go around for the next fifteen minutes and name a bunch of cities because clearly based on you rolling your eyes at me just now, you don't believe me. What, are you calling me a liar?
What we really promote among our employees is innovation. We want new, exciting, original. If you have an idea and you realize someone else has already done it, scrap it! Throw it in the dumpster on trash day! Burn it with acid and erase it from your memory! We want people to think outside of the box. We want people to look left if everyone’s looking right. Don't look right, there's nothing to see there but what every other ordinary, boring “follower” is looking at. Just look left at that wall. Because the ethos of our company is to innovate, and be innovative, and just in general to do things that are not old, but rather, new.
Simply put, we work to fix poverty.
We champion collaboration and teamwork. Why would you do something alone, when you could do it together with other people? Right? If you had a choice to go to the movies alone or to go with a group of friends, wouldn’t you choose to go with a group of friends? Well, maybe you'd go alone if it was a Tuesday afternoon and they're playing a black and white movie like It's a Wonderful Life. Otherwise, it's super embarrassing and you'd feel like a self-conscious loser. Boiled down, that's what we foster. Not feeling like a loser.
Data. Data. Data. We have so much of it and we get it all legally because it’s so important for us at our immense, shiny, mighty company. Think of us as your personal friendly encyclopedia of knowledge. We collect all the data that we can so that we are able to know everything. But not in a way that is fringing on privacy or “scary,” but in the normal way like when you run into a complete stranger at a party and they know that you had your appendix taken out two years ago in a surgery that was supposed to be routine but then through complications, you had to stay at the hospital for three extra days which doesn't sound like a lot but ended up costing you an extra $7,000.
Our mentality is a client-first mentality. If you’re our client, we prioritize you and put you and your needs first. Because that’s just the type of service we offer. Let me put it this way. If I was fielding a call from you and my estranged mother who I haven't spoken to in twelve years because of irreconcilable differences but whom I've been intensely yearning to hear from, I would choose you, client!
Now I think I did a pretty good job explaining what exactly we do here. But, if you still feel confused, you can go to our website, which is just a blank white page with the single word “ABOUT” at the very top which if you click on, goes to nothing.