About Us

The British Monarchy is a 1,000+ year old institution with many proud contributions to the world and only a few wife-beheading weirdos that we sort of push under the rug. Under the steady management of the House of Windsor for the last several hundred years, our corporate culture values integrity, philanthropy, and the occasional Netflix dramatization.

The Position

We are seeking a responsible, educated young man with impeccable taste in women and a good hairline to fill the recent royal vacancy we’ve come across. This is an entry-level position, but the ideal candidate will have at least 5 years’ experience being the heir to another large landowning family or (preferred) running a smaller kingdom to good effect. We are a fast-growing family with great compensation, flexible hours, a vast and incomparable reserve of wealth and connections, and casual Fridays.

Candidate Requirements 

  • Must be punctual
  • Must not pine for the forbidden fruit of American reality TV C-list celebrities
  • Must be a real go-getter
  • Fluency in English (written, spoken, and muffin)
  • Must be able to pass a drug test
  • Must be able to pass a written test
  • Must be able to pass a test proving the purity of your lineage back at least eight generations
  • Reliable transportation (your chauffeur must also qualify for the above points)
  • A working familiarity with Microsoft(‘s CEO, although knowing the CEOs of other powerful companies would also be good)

Responsibilities

  • Networking, making public appearances, occasionally serving in the armed forces
  • Finding an absurd and oversized hat for every occasion
  • Attending garden parties, receptions, dinners, secret meetings of an international cabal of power-brokers, and formal balls
  • Establishing charities
  • Sire children of excellent stature, decorum, and that look good in outlandish velvet garb
  • Watching one’s age advance ceaselessly as the Queen continues her life unimpeded, your youth vanishing with each glance into the mirror as she soldiers on with vampiric vigor
  • Answering emails

Additional Details

Work Location: London, England; Westminster, England; Any public thoroughfare to which the paparazzi have access; the frontlines of every 2-cent exposé and sleazy thinkpiece; the hearts and minds of the British peoples

Hours Per Week: 40+ hours attending functions, 10-12 hours preparing for functions, 3 hours helicoptering to and from functions, 5 hours pacing the abandoned halls of the Royal Palace, maddeningly turning the miniature globe that rests on your mantlepiece, scheming your escape from this oppressive regime of responsibilities and obligations, 1 hour per week playing tennis in public view

Equal Opportunity Employer: This position is open to all people ages 18 or older regardless of race, religion, gender, or sexual preference, so long as those are respectively pale, publicly Christian, male, and heterosexual (questioning also acceptable)

Benefits Offered

  • Medical insurance
  • Dental insurance
  • The reins of one of the world’s strongest economies
  • Full access to the royal Keurig machine (within reason)
  • Paid time off
  • A stable of horses and jockeys at your command
  • Funny hats

Apply now!


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