TO: Michelangelo
Archangel in Chief
Heavenly Division
Guilt-Centric Religion of My Childhood, Inc.

CC: Office of the Holy Trinity

It is with regret that I must tender my resignation, effective immediately, from Guilt-Centric Religion of My Childhood, Inc. (“the Company”).

Please allow me to elaborate on this decision.

As you know, I have been an employee of the Company for thirty-two years, literally since birth, when my parents brought my tiny, swaddled, three-week-old-self to the office. I began as an observer but started familiarizing myself with the Company's history and policies as young as the age of three, quickly progressing to more advanced study both at the office and on my own time. For many years, I have been satisfied in my professional life and career.

Unfortunately, I can no longer continue in my role as Associate Proselytizer, as I have come to disagree with many of the Company's policies and the decisions of management.

First the Company's strict behavioral guidelines have negatively impacted my personal and professional life. For example, the Company encourages a culture of repentance. This has its place, but lately, I find myself apologizing to people for the most basic of things, such as sneezing, talking about my feelings, and having opinions. Sometimes I apologize to people when they should be apologizing to me instead. Once I stopped by an ex-boyfriend's house with homemade stew and he lashed out at me because he thought I had given him insufficient notice of my visit. I apologized for inadvertently violating his boundaries by bringing him a delicious meal, instead of doing what I should have done, which is dump the stew on his head and break up with him (but then I would have had to apologize yet again).

In addition, the work culture at the Company has become increasingly toxic. Over the last several years, I have been repeatedly subject to assertions by members of upper management that I am, by nature, a sinful person who deserves eternal punishment in Hell. There is even a writeup in my employee file that states the only reason I am not being sent to Hell immediately is due to a standing arbitration agreement between Vice President Christ and our CEO. Multiple peers have also made similar statements to me regarding my “sinful, broken nature.” This harassing behavior has continued despite the fact that I have been an exemplary employee. I have memorized large portions of the employee handbook and policy manuals. I have faithfully adhered to all Company policies regarding praying without ceasing, turning the other cheek, and resisting the Devil. I have even worked overtime to recruit others to the Company through my own personal testimony. Despite this excellent behavior, I continue to be told that I am fundamentally not up to par.

Furthermore, women are subordinate to men in our current organizational structure. I have explicitly been told by upper management that because I am female, I will never be eligible for promotion to a leadership position. As you know, sex is a protected class under Title IX, so this amounts to illegal discrimination. I have raised this issue with management before and was simply told, “We must obey God rather than men.” This was not helpful.

Additionally, I am uncomfortable with the Company's habit of taking credit for success stories that I know for a fact it had nothing to do with. I routinely hear stories and read social media posts in which people praise the Company for everything from preventing a tree from falling on their roof, to allowing their beloved cat to recover from surgery, to finding them the last parking spot at Whole Foods. Despite the Company's non-involvement in these events, the Company does nothing to correct public perception that it is all-powerful.

Finally, the Company continues to insist that it is the only valid, legally organized company in the entire world, despite the fact that several other companies operate in the same line of work and many times with equal success.

In summary, I cannot in good conscience continue working for an organization that cares so much about its public image while emotionally abusing its employees.

Following my departure, I plan to pursue a career in self-care with a specialty in alternative spiritual beliefs, climate change activism, and having premarital sex.

I hope this clarifies my departure and I am truly grateful for the years I have spent here, as I know I will carry them forward into many therapy sessions.

Go fuck yourselves.