1. Beatrice Grindle – 95 year old. Beatrice has lived a wonderful life and will leave behind three children, two of whom are saddened by the loss of their mother, the other is saddened because the inheritance will be split three ways.

2. Bruce Venture – 65 years old. Bruce has been a police officer for 40 years of his life and will be retiring in 27 days. So, if you know anything about law enforcement, he will certainly die on his last day.

3. Dave Lipton – 22 years old. Dave slept with my now ex-girlfriend when she was still my girlfriend, and I am going to make him pay for what he did.

4. Jessica Frit – 28 years old. Many of you know Jessica as a popular Instagram influencer. One day while driving she will be taking a picture of her new steering wheel cover (that you can get 15% off of with Jessica’s referral code) causing a fiery 14-car pileup.

5. The other 24 people in the fiery 14-car pileup – various ages. These guys all get lumped together because they have fewer Instagram followers, making them less important.

6. Darnel Powers – 41 years old. Every day Darnel looks forward to his bag of sour cream and onion potato chips from the vending machine in the break room at work. But one day the chips get stuck and don’t fall into the little receptacle area, making Darnel mad. To get his chips Darnel starts to shake the vending machine. Using all of his pent-up rage he shakes the vending machine so much that it topples over and crushes him to death.

7. Timmy Smith – 6 years old. I personally didn’t think Timmy was interesting enough to be on this list, but his Make-A-Wish wish was to be featured on this list, so my hands are kind of tied. Timmy, I hope you’re happy, and always remember, you could have met Iron Man.

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