Force be with you people of earth. Baby Yoda, I am. Your current cultural icon. Decided to run as your democratic nominee because your planet needs my expertise, I have. Horribly inconvenient spot it occupies in space, mostly because. Directly in the way of Navarro, it stands. Headed to the planet, Mando and I are. Candidate fit to legislate democracy with grace, I am.
A broad outline of my platform, here is.
Lived a life, I have. Old, I am yes, but not as old as Sanders, Bernie. Learned from FDR, I have. 900 years old, I am. Office several times within that, can hold. Green New Deal written after his New Deal, the bill you have. In support for, I am. War would not have left Mandalore inhospitable, if Red Deal they had. Linked directly to Climate Change, immigration is. Displaced by imperialist wars like your culture, many orphans have. Bridge the gap of miscommunication between Indigenous people and government, we must. No planet to govern, otherwise! Succumb to monsoons and forest fires, Earth will. Personally, hate that, as you have given me much attention on internet. Great joy, it brings me.
Influential on social media platform, ah yes, I am. Get an Instagram, I did, world would explode in good way, not bad way I previously mentioned. Incredibly likeable because of chill online presence, Barack Obama was if memory serves right. Candidate you can trust, my handle is. Do not need to rely on Political Action Committees for donations, as a highly popular grassroots activist. Bernie reach $5 million dollars, if he, imagine money I can get, will do. New Yorkers fawn over me, just putting on Timbs and Airpods, votes rake in. Positive numbers across the board, democratically elected Baby Yoda has. “Thanks Obama!” As we say.
Thing of the past, government surveillance will be. Personal pain in my ass, it is. Tracking devices to find me, bounty hunters us? Thanks, no! Exerting energy reading idiotic text messages, a world I cannot imagine. Past hour scanning history leading up to Patriot Act, with ginormous brain I have spent. Bogus bill, I can say with 100% certainty. Send memes and innocuous death threats to government officials on Twitter, you can with me in charge. At me when you do, make sure to!
Pain, I’ll end with the force. Keep your pea-sized community alive with universal health care, I will. Well versed in healing, I am. Too high just to check for cold, The premiums are. Succumb to sniffles, even Baby Yoda does. The empire experiments and extracts information from Baby Yoda, I emphasize. Destroy Pharma companies once and for all, I will. Neoliberalism deeply embedded in your country, let companies run amuck with free-market America does. Capitalism, a sham is. Turn privatization public, cute as hell Yoda will.
Banish prequels to the void, most important policy of all. Old school sequels too, will remake for I look fugly in them. Anakin’s ugly rat tail, wave goodbye. Horribly boring plot Phantom Menace had, no more. Padme? Heard of her, I haven’t. Erase from your memory, this I promise.
Leader that is different from what you’ve known, you need. Mesmerizing and terrifying frog eyes, I have seen the universe through. Need of serious governance Earth, tired of petty arguments other planets are. Jump ahead in polls with progressive platform, I am confident will happen. With cute noises and adorable face, even moderate republicans will trust me. Easy to manipulate, they are. Choose to campaign for me, I will deliver on my word. Picket your local governments, with slogan of Baby Yoda. This is the way.