Thanks for the follow, fam! If this is your first time on my Insta, then there’s a really good chance that we met last weekend at my sister Brenda’s wedding. It was such a beautiful day, mainly because I was able to hand out over one hundred business cards with my Instagram on them! Woo hoo! Shoutout to my brother-in-law, Mark, for keeping his cool and not ruining my sister’s special day.

Now that you’re here, you’ve probably noticed that my profile is different than yours in one small yet very significant way. That’s right, I’m a Public Figure! Boo yah!

What’s that mean? Well, it means that I’m not a celebrity (yet), but I’m also not a nobody (like you). Instead, I’m somewhere in between. Somewhere public. That’s right, I have a public reputation to uphold! Haha pretty cool, right?

I bet right now you’re trying to figure out how I got so public, huh? Am I in a Tame Impala cover band? Was I on The Bachelor once? Or am I just here to sell you pants from Fashion Nova? The answer is… maybe!

To be honest, it doesn’t really matter what my origin story is. Haha, I have an origin story. Pretty cool, right? Anyways, all that matters now… is that I am public. And public is me.

But I don’t expect you to understand all that. I mean, how could you?

See, you’re a normal person that does normal-person things. Not me though. I’ve always been more of a figure—a figure that does public things. All the time. Twenty-four seven, three sixty five. Always public. Always a figure.

I know, I’m kind of awesome.

But you should know that it’s not all sunshine and follows. Being a Public Figure is actually pretty hard. You see, this “always public” mindset can sometimes weigh pretty heavy on my shoulders… which are part of my figure. My Public Figure.

See what I did there? Haha pretty cool, right?

It doesn’t just end there. Because while you normal people get to enjoy the comforts of a boring normal life—I don’t. My elite Public Figure status means that people are watching me literally all the time. What people? Ha! Wouldn’t you like to know! But I can assure you, they are members of the public—of which I am a figure.

Now does me being a Public Figure automatically make me better than you? Technically… no. But it does make me more public than you, which by today’s standards is basically the same thing. So I guess… yes.

But don’t be upset. It’s completely out of your control. Being public is just something you’re either born with or you’re not, ya know?

Growing up, I always knew I was different. Special. But I could never pin down exactly what it was that set me apart. Now that I am older and wiser and on Instagram, it has become painfully obvious—I am a Public Figure!!!

Isn’t that cool!?!

So if your main incentive for following someone is that they interact with the public on a vaguely semi-professional basis, then scroll no further my friend (or my sister’s friend)!

Because you are now following a Public Figure!