Scope out the area. Keep in mind you’ll pay more for locations near the lake of fire.

Know how much space you need. Do you want to spend eternity in a hellhole that is a tiny, crushing, and claustrophobic, or cavernous, howling, and abyss-like?

Are you a dog person? Consider whether you want to live in a building where hellhounds are permitted or mandatory.

Be realistic about your budget. Before agreeing to a high-rent apartment, consider a more affordable pad that will allow you to save for a place you can own for your entire damnation.

Be prepared. You may need to show documentation of all deals with the devil.

Consider getting a roommate. They say hell is other people for a reason.

Know which questions to ask. An important one is, “Can I break the lease if I get promoted to limbo?”

Storage is a nice amenity. Having a place to put your boiling lava can save you many trips to the lava store.

Don’t bother looking for a rent-controlled apartment. Those are locked up by ancient demons and graduate students.

Start a spreadsheet. It won’t help with your search, but it could count towards your torture.

Don’t hesitate. If you see an apartment you like, grab a demon’s pitchfork, stab it in your thigh, and sign in blood immediately. Then apologize to the demon, because rude.

An onsite gym is a real plus. Working on your cardio means you might outrun a demon pack for a few extra seconds.

Do you need a building with on-premise dry cleaning? Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you earned a ticket to Hell, sinner.

Is it important to live in a quiet apartment? If so, avoid buildings full of unbaptized babies.

Be skeptical of marketing mumbo-jumbo. Anything described as “vintage” is probably older than Satan himself.

Consider the time of year. Fewer apartments are available when hell freezes over.

Stay positive. Apartment hunting can be stressful, but there’s a special apartment of hell for everyone.

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