Hi, Jennifer of Mantua Apartments, Ltd.,

I’m writing to you about this beautiful apartment on South Balthazar Street with the two bedrooms and the spacious living area. I think it’s absolutely perfect for me and my husband to settle down in. Romeo and I are newlyweds and we’re excited to start our new life together once we escape Verona. I just have a few questions to ask to get a better feeling about the place to make sure that it’s right for Romeo and me.

I understand that the apartment has a bay window. This seems fine and all but is there a balcony where I can easily repledge my devotion to my true love? There simply must be a balcony. Also, is there a garden? There has to be a garden below the balcony. I’m afraid this is necessary. The garden also must have the right type of shrubs for my lover to hide behind while he spies upon me and listens to my every word. What I am looking for are Romeo-sized shrubs for him to conceal himself behind. He’s usually fine with knee-high rhododendrons. So those can work.

Now, tell me, what types of trees do you have outside the balcony? Are they tall and climbable? They need to be climbable. Romeo isn’t picky, he’s fine with either weeping willows or any form of pine. If you don’t have trees, a climbable mass of vines will do just fine. Anything to help my lover climb up the walls and into my arms.

Another deal-breaker, there just has to be a courtyard of some kind attached or near the apartment complex. Since both Romeo and I come from families that absolutely loathe each other, we’ve grown accustomed to the wonderful spaces that Verona offers for brawling, rioting, and other violent sports between our two feuding households. We can’t imagine living without a courtyard with ample space for family feuds or murderous overtures. But since the murder of my cousin by the hands of my one true love, I feel we are not as needy on how large of space this courtyard necessarily has to be.

I do ask if there is ample closet space, as we both have a lot of baggage we are bringing with us. It’s not an exaggeration to say that we have some skeletons in our closets. But we do have some skeletons in our closets. As I said, my cousin, Tybalt, is dead, and Romeo’s best-mate, Mercutio, is dead, too. So, just in case we end up having some unwelcome guests over, we need to make sure that the closet is wide enough and spacious enough for a body or two. Just to be safe. You never know what can go down in the courtyard I mentioned above.

Also, there must be a large kitchen space in case my parents or inlaws drop in once they find out I am not dead. There also has to be a foyer for the many suitors my father will try to marry me off too. Surely, once he sorts out that I am not dead he will continue trying to marry me to anyone but Romeo. So a foyer is a must; they will have to wait in the foyer.

Oh, and we do need a proper lock on the door. What, with our families hating each other, and now, possibly, hating both of us, we find it necessary that there be a fairly large bolt on the door. We also would like a door made of some type of hardwood, preferably oak. But we also wouldn’t mind a door made of solid iron. One that can not be broken, ideally. You know how it is… One family says an ‘airy word’ about the other and then they, for generations, want to murder each other and eventually their own children. Stick and stones, I always say. But what can you do?

And now, what with our wedding having occurred and Romeo accidentally killing my cousin. Did I mention that? I mean, Tybalt fell right into the sword. I never knew Tybalt was such a klutz, but then, there you have it. Tripped right into the sword. Right now I am sure my father is fuming up a storm and I haven’t had the heart to break it to him that I’m married to Tybalt’s murderer… So, yeah. A lock and a solid door would be great. And if there happens to be a moat with live alligators or some type of dangerous serpent, you’d hear no complaints from us.

Anyway, I will be eagerly awaiting your reply as I sit here in my tomb. Oh, did I not explain that? Well, in order for us to be together after Romeo accidentally murdered my cousin, I had to feign my own death in order to escape marriage with a really handsome guy named Paris. So I am waiting for my true love to show up.

Anyhow, ever since we met things have been kinda complicated. I can’t wait to just settle down into a new place.

Yours truly,
Juliet

P.S. I hear my love coming so I think it’d be funny to play dead when he arrives. I can’t wait to see the surprise on his face when I open my eyes.


And now a quick joke...

I read that a shark will lose almost 1,000 teeth a year. And I thought I was forgetful.