Despite ongoing #OscarsSoWhite controversy, it’s important to remember that the Oscars are, as Stephen King recently pointed out, about quality, not diversity. After assessing this year’s quality nominees—95% of whom just happen to be white, and 10% of whom just happen to be Scarlett Johansson—here are our predictions:

Best Actress: A Marriage Story / Best Supporting Actress: JoJo Rabbit

Johansson is the front-runner here. After years of impressive work in Lost in Translation, Her, and Under the Skin, she’s finally been recognized by the Academy for not one, but TWO performances which are, we assume, simply Oscar-worthier than those of Awkwafina (The Farewell), Lupita Nyong’o (Us), Tessa Thompson (Little Woods), Alfre Woodard (Clemency), Jodie Turner-Smith (Queen & Slim), Mame Bineta Sane (Atlantics), Taylor Russell (Waves), Octavia Spencer (Luce), Shuzhen Zhou (The Farewell), Da’Vine Joy Randolph (Dolemite Is My Name), Chang Hyae Jin (Parasite), Lee Jung Eun (Parasite), Park So Dam (Parasite), or Cho Yeo Jeong (Parasite).

WILL WIN: Scarlett Johansson
SHOULD WIN: Scarlett Johansson


Best Supporting Actress: Hustlers

Johansson is also the sure bet here. After years of impressive work in Selena and Out of Sight, she’s finally been recognized by the Academy for “holding the center of every scene she’s in” and “slinking away with the movie” as stripper Ramona in an “electrifying,” “career-best performance.”

WILL WIN: Scarlett Johansson
SHOULD WIN: Why, who else would we nominate?


Best Supporting Actor: The Irishman

Think Al Pacino’s performance is overwrought and overrated? Look closer! While costar Robert DeNiro was “digitally de-aged” to play younger, Young Jimmy Hoffa was actually played by… that’s right, Scarlett Johansson, who was “digitally Pacino-ed” for the film. The resulting performance is so incredibly Oscar-worthy you won’t even remember Jamie Foxx (Just Mercy), Sterling K. Brown (Waves), Kelvin Harrison, Jr. (Luce), Jonathan Majors (The Last Black Man in San Francisco), Baykali Ganambarr (The Nightingale), Song Kang Ho (Parasite), or Wesley Snipes (Dolemite Is My Name).

SHOULD WIN: Scarlett Johansson
WILL WIN: Al Pacino


Best Original Song

On Oscar night, expect Diane Warren, white, to join Randy Newman, also white, at a white piano. As Chrissy Metz sings her white heart out, Elton John and Taron Edgerton will dance beneath a glittering disco ball with such joyful white soul that the Dolby Theater will explode in a shower of white diamonds. The smoke will clear to reveal… Beyoncé singing “Spirit!” Just kidding, she wasn’t nominated. It’s Scarlett Johansson.


Best Director

In a shocking first for the Academy, all 7,000+ voters, repelled by the all-male, mostly-white directing nominees, have submitted the same “write-in” vote! In a less shocking turn, it’s not for Lulu Wang (The Farewell), Jordan Peele (Us), Taika Waititi (JoJo Rabbit), Mati Diop (Atlantics), Lorene Scafaria (Hustlers), Nia DaCosta (Little Woods), Céline Sciamma (Portrait of a Lady on Fire), Kasi Lemmons (Harriet), Chinonye Chukwu (Clemency), Melina Matsoukas (Queen & Slim), Marielle Heller (A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood), Joanna Hogg (The Souvenir), or Greta Gerwig (Little Women) … It’s for Scarlett Johansson’s Marriage Story character, who is a director. No, wait, it’s for Adam Driver’s character, who is also a director, but male.

SHOULD WIN: Nicole
WILL WIN: Charlie


Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award

If Todd Phillips receives any awards, ScarJo has been asked to backflip onstage in full Black Widow gear and deliver one swift, deadly kick. She is also expected to receive the Nobel Prize and Presidential Medal of Freedom for her service to humanity.


Presenter, Honorary Caucasian Oscar

Johansson will present honorary awards to Leonardo DiCaprio, Al Pacino, Brad Pitt, Anthony Hopkins, and Tom Hanks—who have, between them, 30 Oscar nominations. Expect a standing ovation from these 30 actors, who each have one or zero Oscar nominations:

Eddie Murphy
Daniel Kaluuya
James Earl Jones
Don Cheadle
Angela Bassett
Oscar Isaac
Taraji P. Henson
Michelle Yeoh
Rita Moreno
Michael B. Jordan
Halle Berry
Chadwick Boseman
Zhang Ziyi
Edward James Olmos
Salma Hayek
Terrence Howard
Dev Patel
Brian Tyree Henry
Sophie Okonedo
John Leguizamo
Gabourey Sidibe
Catalina Sandino Moreno
Gael García Bernal
Thandie Newton
Michael Peña
Rosie Perez
Shohreh Aghdashloo
Forest Whitaker
Queen Latifah
Samuel L. Jackson


Best Ode to White Male Fragility: Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

Fun fact: Johansson was originally slated to star in OUATIH as Aging Movie Star Rick Dalton. But in a surprise bit of casting, Aging Movie Star Leonardo DiCaprio stepped up to play Aging Movie Star Rick Dalton. Impressed with DiCaprio’s range, the Academy has decided to take Johansson’s Oscars and give them to DiCaprio.


Best Ivory, Snow White or Milky White Performance: Ghost in the Shell

Consider this one a lock; recognition is long overdue for Johansson’s performance as a Japanese automaton. Expect her to graciously thank the many white actors playing characters of color who paved the way for her, including Meryl Streep, Tilda Swinton, Emma Stone, Marlon Brando, John Wayne, Alec Guinness, Joel Grey, Rex Harrison, Burt Lancaster, Donna Reed, Laurence Olivier, and Katherine Hepburn—all of whom have Oscars.

WILL AND SHOULD WIN: Scarlett Johansson


Best Tree: The Lord of The Rings

No matter which white actor wins this year, expect Johansson to be back on the red carpet in 2021 for Amazon’s LOTR reboot, in which she will prove once and for all that she should be allowed to “play any person, or any tree” by playing Treebeard, an actual tree.

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