There comes a point in every woman's life where she must ask herself if the man she is planning her life with is not really a man but instead a stray cat that has decided her home is his now. Everyone knows how hard it is to tell the difference between a scrawny outside cat and a full-grown human man. They are both lazy, needy, and mooch off of you constantly. Lucky for you, I’m about to dish out some concrete signs that the love of your life is actually a wild animal that is overdue for a rabies exam.

1. Is he sleepy all the time?

Sure, the average person gets a tad drowsy now and then. In fact, there are few that would say “no” to a nap. However, if you find that your boyfriend exhibits signs that are borderline narcoleptic, you might have something to worry about. Does he sleep between 16-20 hours a day? Does he curl up in a cute little ball in a perfect patch of sunlight to catch some ZZZs? Does he massage the bed with his little paws hands to make a cozy sleeping nest? Barring some serious medical issues, your boyfriend's sleeping patterns can be a major clue into whether or not he is actually a cat.

2. Does he practically live at your house?

In the honeymoon phase it's natural to have plenty of sleepovers, but did your boyfriend come in one day and then never seem to leave? Maybe you find yourself asking him, “How come we never spend any time at your place?” If he seems to have made himself a permanent roommate, then it might mean his place is a car engine because he's a stray cat hiding from the harsh winter winds.

3. How does he feel about soft things?

Men love texture, there's no doubt about it. If I'm wearing a particularly fuzzy sweater my boyfriend will practically smother me in an attempt to nuzzle every part of his face against it. But if your companion seems less interested in you and more interested in the nearest soft object, it might be that you made the common mistake many people make. You've confused a human romantic partner with a scruffy cat that was born in a dumpster.

4. Does he withhold affection?

Is your man loving one moment and standoffish the next? Everyone gets the occasional case of the crabbies, but does your love take it too far? Picture this scenario: You and your boyfriend are cuddled up on the couch watching his favorite episode of Law & Order SVU. He's licking your hand. He insists it's his way of showing his affection, his love language if you will. All of a sudden his licks turn into fierce chomps, and you find that you can't shake him off of you. These, of course, are the actions of a feline, not a male human being. It's widely underreported how much cats love the show Law & Order SVU.

5. Does he eat cat food?

The signature popping sound that is unique to opening up a can of macerated meat sends a shiver down every tomcat's spine. Does cracking open a can of Fancy Feast trigger your boyfriend? Can he not help but shove his adorable little snout in a half-open can so that he can start to lap up the gravy? We all might question the eating habits of Homosapiens men but if he can't stop scarfing down Kibbles and Bits, he might be a cat. Also, if he has a snout, he's probably a cat.

6. What does his thing look like?

Okay, listen, hear me out. All male anatomy looks weird. I think most of us would feel a whole lot more comfortable if the statue section of museums utilized strategically-placed leaves á la Adam and Eve. I don't want to overstep my bounds here, but if your man's appendage is a spiky monstrosity made of nightmare fuel then there is a significant chance he is a cat. Look, I know it's not easy to spot. To help you avoid this unfortunate mishap, always remember this clever phrase: If he has a porcupine dick, then you better not frick. Seriously, I can't stress this enough.

If you've gotten to the bottom of this article and realized, “Holy heck, the love of my life turned out to be a stray domestic shorthair living in my alleyway feasting off of my rancid trash,” fret not! It's perfectly normal, average even, for a cat to be your boyfriend. Just keep it G-rated, get some kitty litter, be prepared for judgmental glances, and be sure to treat him regularly for fleas.


Education: Punch up your comedy writing and technique with PIC's Coaching and Feedback.