Congratulations, new parent, clone donor, or generic human child recipient/prizewinner, you are embarking on an exciting adventure: raising a human child from infancy! The Institute of Parenting, Human Division, validates and endorses your choice to act as a principal caregiver to a human infant. Here are a few helpful tips to get you started.
1. Human childcare science is a vibrant field of study, with new discoveries being made every standard day cycle. Sign up now for regular updates from the Institute of Parenting’s Human Division Mediafeed. We’ll deliver helpful tips and articles like these right to your optical implant!
2. The Institute of Parenting now recommends placing human babies to sleep on their backs. Alternative sleep positions are not recommended.
3. Has your child been replaced by its mirror universe double? Remember, unlike adults, your human baby's evil double can't (yet) be distinguished by the presence (or absence) of facial hair. Report any suspicious behavior to Dimensional Congruence Enforcement immediately.
4. Breast is best. Human breast milk is the best food for human infants.
5. Update: the Institute of Parenting now recommends placing human babies to sleep on their sides. Never place your human baby on its back to sleep.
6. Don't forget to clear your neural browser cache before interfacing with your child’s subconscious. Good neural hygiene begins in your own prefrontal cortex!
7. Update: Chest is best: The phrase “breast is best” having been found to be unnecessarily limiting, the Institute of Parenting wishes to clarify that human milk lactated from any torso-mounted, milk-producing organ is the best food for human infants.
8. Did you know that 89% of infant teleportation seats are installed incorrectly? Ask your neighborhood teleportation invigilator to check yours BEFORE you press “Initialize.”
9. Breast is best: Milk from genetically modified lactation organs having been found to contain potentially harmful levels of zinc, the Institute of Parenting confirms that human breast milk from unmodified lactation glands is the best food for human infants.
10. Your human baby's skin is sensitive. Be sure to test bathwater with your elbow before placing your child in the bath. Don't have access to an organic or human-compatible elbow? You can request one for bath water testing purposes from your local hospital or cloning facility.
11. Update: the Institute of Parenting now recommends placing human babies to sleep on their fronts. Never place your human baby on its back or side to sleep.
12. Update: Thrg'est is best: New research confirms that the milk of the male Thrg'est beast of Theta VII is higher both in healthy fats and in vitamin A than human milk. Thrg'est milk is the best food for human infants.
13. Update: The Institute of Parenting now recommends placing human babies in a zero-gravity field to sleep with a counter-clockwise spin of three revolutions per minute. Higher rates of revolution are no longer recommended. Never allow your human baby to sleep on any solid surface.
14. Update: Breast is best: Thrg'est milk having been found to contain trace amounts of various known carcinogens, the Institute of Parenting confirms that human breast milk is (currently) the best food for human infants.
15. Are your human child's tentacles drooping? Do they keep phasing in and out of reality? Are you seeing unusual levels of molting? If any of the above are true, your child may actually not be (entirely) human and the advice on this list may not apply to you. Please check with a human-certified medical professional to confirm your child's species and review the Institute of Parenting's extensive mediafeed catalog to get advice that's just right for your child.
This list is constantly updating, so remember to check back often!