You’ve said “no” 257 times in 257 different ways. You’ve stopped answering her texts, Instagram DMs, Facebook messages, Snapchats, What’s Apps, Google Hangout requests, LinkedIn private messages, emails and calls. You even debated being a little bit rude to her once.
Still, the multi-level marketing (MLM) consultant you met at your friend’s bachelorette party has found ways to “follow up” and “check in.” You have one option left: Faking your own death.
First, tell your close circle.
Gather your immediate family and close friends in a secret, Wi-Fi-less underground shelter and give them an envelope disclosing which remote part of the Andes mountain range you’ll be hiding out in for the rest of your time on earth. Instruct them to memorize the location in case they want to try to find you in 20 years (not any sooner) and burn the envelopes immediately.
Then, get a fake identity.
There are only a few people left in this world you can trust; one of them is your early e-cigarette adopter cousin who hooked you up with your fake ID. He won’t ask questions and most importantly, he won’t tag you on social media so the MLM consultant won’t know what you’re up to and tell you that she loves your energy when you meet him behind a local Popeye’s with $5,000 for your new fake passport. Then, immediately get bangs. You need to be unrecognizable for a few days while your face is on the news and you’re working your way out of the country.
Now it’s time to start throwing her off your scent.
Post fake Instagram stories at different juice bars around the city. She won’t be able to resist replying to them asking you if you’ve thought more about the 30-day cleanse. She’ll think she has you in the palm of her hand, but little does she know you’ll be cleansing your life of her in a mere 30 days.
Now it’s time to die, but not literally.
Your death has to be believable, but also something someone won’t investigate too much. You do two things everyday: Instagram at home and Instagram at work. You’ll have to fake die doing what you love, exactly that. Head up to your balcony around sunset and strap into a harness and belay system attached to the sturdiest part of the structure. Go Instagram Live and prepare to die.
Don’t worry, she—and all of your followers—will be notified. Start filming your face while you backpedal toward the balcony railing. Flip your hair out of your face, lean back and fall. The harness will catch you, but you’ll have to drop your phone so that it cracks and breaks, completing the illusion of your death. The ultimate read receipt, bitch. But you’d never say that to her face.
Make sure she’s invited to the funeral.
Your grieving friends will be the perfect targets for her. Make sure she’s invited to your funeral so that she’s able to completely move on.
How are you going to pay for this?
Erasing your existence from the face of the earth—especially with those theatre stunt wires—is expensive. Before you fake your own death, you’re going to have to group of badass women who are ready to work for themselves and love what they do! Ask them to pay you $100 each. Tell them to consider this their down payment for the brand new Mercedes they’ll get to drive in just a few months after hustling hard with a community of like minded, driven women! Once they’ve committed to their own success, they are going to have to find 10 lady bosses, who will pay them $100 each. These people will have to find 10 more boss ladies committed to living well and hustling hard, and so on.
The best part is that all the money goes all the way up to you. The details don’t matter because it’s empowering! Then you’ll, finally be ready to step outside your comfort zone and start living your best life—in the most remote part of the Andes!
Welcome to chapter YOU!