Do you go to the laundromat regularly? Of course you do. Who has the money or resources for a fancy in-studio apartment washer and dryer?

Whatever your laundry preferences and frequency, if you do your clothes-cleaning in public, here are a few affirmations that will keep you grounded, your spirit balanced, and your chakras aligned.

“I am grateful for the body that I have.”

You know what takes half as long to dry than a pair of plus size jeans? A colorful pair of decorative leggings or pajama pants. The body positivity movement has allowed the human race to progress exponentially and by embracing your body for everything it is, and everything it isn’t, you should feel no hesitation in making loungewear your everyday wardrobe. Unless your boss is going to pay for your dry cleaning personally, Garfield flannel pants should count as business casual.

“I give thanks for every breath I inhale.”

Breathing is just something you gotta do. You know what makes it even more special? When the family of 14 that has completely appropriated the seating, tables, and a 15-20 square foot area of the laundromat breaks out a full take-out picnic. How many different food smells can you inhale at one time? A public laundromat has the answer to that very question. Breathe in deeply their smorgasbord and exhale gratitude.

“I am grateful for my talents.”

How quickly can you fold laundry before getting hit on? Did someone steal your detergent? How quickly can you navigate and exit a conversation with someone deep within the rollercoaster that is an intense crack-cocaine high? All of those skills, and more, will keep you at the top of your game as a champion of the communal laundry arts.

“Everytime I lift another’s spirit, I feel grateful.”

Did someone drop an undershirt in your line of sight on their way to the dryer? You could go pick it up and hand it to them, but be prepared for them to put one of your talents to the test. In this affirmation you are to lift spirits not stray dryer sheets. That’s not your job! Focus inward. Own your fabric softener (because someone will try to steal it). Lift others up by getting in and out of there as quickly as humanly possible and making little-to-no eye contact. Eyes on the prize! The prize being a safe return to your broom closet of an apartment with as many articles of the pile of laundry you left with earlier that day.

“I wink at a challenge.”

Just be double certain that the challenge you’ve identified is making sure you don’t have two socks dried together versus the meth addict you’ve just locked eyes with across the tops of several industrial dryers. If that happens, instead of a wink you’ll want to start rapidly blinking your eyes to mimic a seizure or you’re going to have to deal with the challenge that is a never-ending stream of random words that will be shouted at you in no particular order until a laundromat employee calls the police just to be safe.

“I can do this.”

Because you have to. The alternative isn’t feasible. Believe me, I tried. Buying clothes every week at Goodwill in order to avoid laundry is a game you cannot win. Eventually you have a dirty clothes pile that will consume your life, sanity and could be probable cause for a roommate murder.

“I’m brave enough to climb any mountain.”

Are you though? Maybe skip the Everest that is a woman screaming at a change machine that is out of change and then turning to you like you work there. That’s why they have the card system now! Tell the attendant when the machine is out of boxes of Tide? What the fuck? Why would you risk bleach stains on your North Face jacket? Either way, just going to the laundromat and leaving without a rash or bedbugs is achievement enough.

“My strength is greater than any challenge.”

But if you get one of those rolling laundry carts like older women have, that’s not a sign of weakness, that’s a high-five to longevity.

“I choose what I become.”

As long as you choose to be someone who goes to the laundromat and gets the fuck out of there as quickly and efficiently as possible. Has someone asked you to do laundry with them? Unless you are with the F.B.I. and tasked with gathering intel on an insane laundry person, then see the affirmation above and try not to do anything strenuous, ever, so you can just rewear clothes a bunch of times.

Above all else? Look inward. Reflect in and be ever-knowing. Ever-knowing exactly where your wallet and keys are, at all times, because much like your coveted Tide pods and dignity, all of that is up for grabs at the laundromat.


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