Is that, is that Todd Phillips? In my shop? Mr. Hangover, Mr. Starsky and Hutch, Mr. Joker-man, in the here and now, in mind, body, soul, spirit, and eternal presence himself. Are he/him/his your pronouns? Cool. Same with Haleigh. Haleigh, can you please get us some alkaline waters? It’s super smoggy out today, isn’t it? Do you like alkaline water, TP? I don’t drink anything bottled anymore, too many BPAs. See we’re the only energy crystal shop on the block that makes its own alkaline water. Oh, you want coffee? Sorry, TP, we don’t have anything with caffeine.

You know what this is, this is real synchronicity, TP, you being here a few days before The Oscars. You see, I’m clairvoyant, TP, a seer, a foreteller, an oracle. So I like to bet. I actually used to bet on The Oscars every year. But I haven’t since 2017. Do you remember what happened in 2017? Listen to this. I went all-in on a six bet parlay. Production Design, Cinematography, Original Score, Actress, Director, and Picture. And I hit! I won them all. A one point five mill payout, TP. But then those trickster Oscar accountants, Price Waterhouse, came out on stage and said, No, Moonlight actually won Best Picture, negating the Universe’s will, and voiding the La La Land prophecy. I lost one hundred K that night. And my marriage. So I haven’t bet on The Oscars since.

But now you, Todd Phillips, come into my shop. And your movie, Joker, is nominated for ten Oscars, right? Eleven. Oh, wow, now that’s a transcendental number, eleven, in Numerology, a very fortunate number. I saw Joker and I loved it. I loved it, TP. And I can see it running the table this year. I can see it in my mind’s eye. With the right energy.

Check this out. Here. Take this. Hold this stone, Todd. Feel this. This is a green aventurine crystal. What does it do? I’ll tell you. It brings its wearer material success, impossible victories, and historical legacy. Look at this video on my phone. See this, that’s Shira Rabinowitz, a high priestess shaman from Sedona. Do you see that? That crystal in your hand. She’s birthing that green aventurine crystal from her Yoni. Do you know what a Yoni is? It’s Sanskrit for vagina. See it coming out, coming out of her sacred vessel? That means not only will the green aventurine win you material success but the Yoni birth mother energy will also protect you from any Price Waterhouse trickery.

So here we got a crystal birthed on the blessed grounds of Esalen. Up in Big Sur? You’ve never heard of Esalen? Oh, TP. Let me tell you about Esalen. First off, do you know how much it costs to go to Esalen? I don’t mean the buy a workshop online and sleep on the floor in the mixed-gender room Esalen. I mean the Facebook executive emergency karmic debt evaluation Esalen. I mean the Nancy Pelosi flies back from D.C. to aura bathe anytime she’s been in a room with Trump Esalen. That kind of Esalen, just the workshop alone, goes for—

You want the stone! See I knew you were a visionary, TP!

I’ll tell you what I’ll do for you. For you, I can part with it for seven-fifty. Just seven-fifty. It could go for over nine if I took it to Topanga Canyon. But I loved School For Scoundrels. Did it win a Golden Globe for Best Musical or Comedy? No? I’m shocked.

What do you say, TP? Seven-fifty. What? No, not seven dollars and fifty cents. Seven hundred and fifty K. Haven’t you been listening to what I’m saying?! It’s not just a rock! The energy emanating from this crystal will shape and secure your destiny! Do you want to win Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Director, Best Sound Editing, and the other eight awards, whatever they are? Because I want you to. I want you to buy this energy crystal so I can bet on you. This is how we win.

Don’t walk out, TP! Don’t go! How about four-fifty? Not thousands anymore. Just four hundred and fifty dollars. Because it’s you. The director of Due Date. Now that must have won a Golden Globe? No? Not that either?

Oh, you mean no on the crystal. You won’t even pay four hundred and fifty dollars? OK, now get out of my store, Phillips. You’re crazy. In your situation, only a deranged, lunatic clown would pass on this kind of energy crystal.

You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to parlay a no Joker, Joker gets shut out this year parlay. I’m not joking. I just did the Tarot. Look at this card. Hangman. Not happening for you, TP.

I’m also a trained regression therapist. I can sense your past lives. You are full of karmic debt, brother. Worse than any Facebook executive I’ve ever met. You were a Viking raider in your past life, TP. That’s why your Joker’s so angry and misanthropic and murderous and unfunny. You pillaged the Norman coast, friend. No wonder Hangover 3 has such bad energy.

The door’s not locked. We don’t lock doors in this store. Even when we’re closed we keep them open. Your energy must have blocked it up. Move out of the way. This? This is a lapis lazuli. That’s right, it’s much bigger than your head. No, I’m not gonna hurt you with it. I’m going to unblock the energy of the door with it. Ow! TP! You slapped me. It’s open now. Just go. Just go, TP.

That was very unhealthy. That man was completely unconscious. I need to calm down. Get centered. Grounded. I’m taking off my shoes. Where’s my celestite? Haleigh, get me my celestite. And some sage. We need to sage this whole place. And call my cupper. I need to be cupped.

Also, call my bookie. Joaquin Phoenix is definitely going to win Best Actor.

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