Tropical Tundra Climate Suite
Elevate your ambient experience! With the TTCS your cabin environment oscillates constantly between 50 degrees and 100 degrees Fahrenheit, giving you a few seconds of intermittent comfort as it sweeps back and forth past your preferred temperature. This replaces standard climate control, which stays at a consistent not-quite-right.
Shitty Overcast Dayroof
Joining the wildly popular sunroof and moonroof features, the Shitty Overcast Dayroof slides back to reveal a decimated mesh screen, like the patio door at a rural grandparent's ranch house, allowing in just enough moisture and cold to compliment your terrible mood. Upgrade options include a peppering of dead mosquitoes and an eerie, metallic warble.
Mother’s Gasp Lane Assist
To help keep you safe on long interstate drives, Mother's Gap Lane Assist simulates a choking gasp from your mother’s throat whenever your tires veer outside the lane. Customizable options include wife’s “What the hell are you doing?” husband’s “Do I need to drive?” and the heartbreaking but effective golden retriever’s whimper.
Best God Heads-Up Navigation
The heads-up display in your windshield now includes a soothing avatar of Morgan Freeman, wearing the fresh white suit from his role as God in Bruce Almighty, to literally point you in the right direction. Upgrade options include Alanis Morrisette as God in Dogma and Al Pacino from The Devil’s Advocate as Satan (to point you in the wrong direction).
Smart Tailgate Control
Tailgaters rejoice! Just flip on this addition to standard cruise control and kick back, allowing advanced radar technology to keep you between 6 and 18 inches from the vehicle in front of you. Feel free to gesticulate angrily without the distraction of constantly massaging the accelerator. If your prey moves into the right lane Smart Tailgate Control accelerates quickly but slows down just long enough for them to take in your smug, stupid face as you pass by. Seatbelts and airbags not available with this feature.
Window Control Button Button
For your pressing pleasure a second button located along the center shifter, mere centimeters from your thumb, remotely activates the less conveniently placed window control button near the door handle. Upgrade for a third option, allowing activation of a window controlling seat sensor with forceful flatulence.
Monday Morning Music Roulette
No buttons needed, as this feature activates automatically every Monday morning. Using all of your music services—including, but not limited to, FM radio, Sirius XM, Pandora, Apple Music and Spotify—it shuffles from song to song at random intervals, indulging your infantile dissatisfaction with everything you hear. Pairs well with Shitty Overcast Dayroof or Smart Tailgate Control.
Mouth-Friendly Cup Holder
An extra cup holder extends via bendable arm so that your beverage rests snugly against your mouth. Simply drive up a hill and liquid spills directly into your face-hole. Upgrade for a half-dozen capacity hands-free donut rack.
Disgraced Vlogger Plus Package
With this feature a left-corner camera begins recording whenever you say “I’ve been getting a lot of hate lately…”, or “I want to start this video by apologizing…”, or “I didn’t even recognize myself in that last video….” Upgrade for right-corner camera to shoot nostalgic, Vine-style videos where you pretend to be two different people engaged in humorous dialogue, reminding your subscribers of a more innocent time.