The ultimate goal of retirement planning is not outliving your savings, but maybe we should first concentrate on surviving the deterioration of our ecosystems, the gradual yet unstoppable loss of Earth’s inhabitable landmass, and the resulting crumbling of the world’s political, economic, and cultural institutions. Then we’ll re-evaluate your asset portfolio—sound good?

Diversification of retirement assets helps protect you from risk. Try investing some of your funds in a planet that isn’t being pushed to the brink of environmental catastrophe.

Think long term. Assuming 7% average yearly growth, a single dollar invested today will double in value every ten years. But in the longer term, humanity will devolve into a broken species teetering on the brink of extinction, cowering among the ruins of its former splendor. So maybe spend that dollar on something fun instead. Live a little.

If your employer offers a 401(k) program with a contribution match, be sure to take advantage of it while the concept of employment still exists.

Start off assuming Social Security will help get you through retirement. Years later, feel naïve for assuming Social Security will still exist when you retire. Then, as you celebrate your 65th birthday skinning rodent carcasses in the deserted streets of a post-apocalyptic Chicago, feel naïve for assuming that the end of the Social Security program was the biggest threat to your peaceful retirement.

The key to beating average market returns is to buy low and sell high. So once our planet’s telecommunications grid has collapsed, ask your broker about getting your hands on some AT&T stock.

When building your savings plan, consider how expensive your lifestyle will be during retirement. Ask yourself: How much annual tribute do you anticipate paying your local warlord? Will you insist on eating daily? Might you someday need to pay your only surviving son’s ransom when he’s captured by a marauding band of vandals?

At the rate sea levels are rising, investing in sponge manufacturers and watersport companies seems like a good bet.

Try to save the planet by divesting your retirement portfolio from petroleum and natural gas companies, local energy conglomerates, slaughterhouses, defense contractors, biochemical factories, mining operations, agricultural products, automobile OEMs and resellers, plastics manufacturers, airline companies, home appliance producers, fast food chains, any business or entity that provides goods or services to any of the above, and… Yup, that pretty much covers the entire NASDAQ.

As time goes on, transition from a riskier asset mix to a safer one. In today’s market, that might mean reallocating from stocks to bonds. But as we approach The Great Economic Collapse of 2055, after which all socially constructed currency will be worthless, consider ditching all that stock-and-bond bullshit for more concrete investments, such as stockpiles of rat meat.

As it turns out, hog and grain futures can’t actually be redeemed for future hogs and grain. That’s apparently not how they work.

I’m serious about the rat meat thing. When dried out and salted down, rat jerky can last for years. Tastes better than you’d expect. And rat pelts? Surprisingly comfortable. You practically can’t tell the difference between rat and chinchilla. In fact, my buddy tells me the U.S. economy will be largely based on the rat trade in 40 years.

If you’re working with a wealth management advisor, be sure to ask whether they can guarantee your retirement portfolio against the complete breakdown of all human civilization as we know it.

I’d tell you to stock up on gold bullion and canned vegetables, but I can’t find the stock ticker symbols for either.

You know, my buddy and I are starting up this rat meat distribution company and are searching for investors right now. The way things are going, it looks like this thing will really take off, and this a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get in on the ground floor. Just think about it, and let me know when you’re in; we’re talking the Apple of rat meat here.


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