Good morning, I know everyone was expecting my presentation on fourth-quarter earnings, but there is a far more pressing matter we need to discuss. I truly cannot believe we’re all going about our workday without mentioning what we all witnessed yesterday. Our VP of Marketing Harry Rogers has cloned himself.
We all saw it when Harry came into the office in his favorite blue suit and then minutes later a second Harry entered the office in a non-favorite gray suit. Two Harrys, two suits. We all saw this with our two eyes yet only I was so shocked I spilled the gallon of milk I was holding, slipped in the milk, and bonked my head so hard my brain rattled.
Please examine my first slide, a rotating clip art question mark. We must answer the question of how Harry Rogers, a man I once saw eat a Skittle off the men’s room floor, conquered the forbidden frontiers of biological science. How could we all be so unaware of the mad genius lurking inside our coworker? But then again, how well do we know anyone? I bet none of you realized every time we have to do 50 desk pushups for our corporate fitness challenge, I’m the one pulling the fire alarm.
Greta, you’re right, it does make absolutely no sense for Harry to have cloned himself. If we assume Harry and his clone are the same age then the clone would have had to have been created 36 years 4 months ago. On this slide, I outline the three possibilities:
- Harry and his clone were created 35 years 7 months ago by a rogue scientist, evil corporation, or eugenicist government.
- Harry did recently clone himself and has also mastered the science of rapid aging, maturing to clone to 36 years and 4 months.
- Harry has created a duplication device, like a biological 3D printer, churning out clones like Born Candy churns out Peeps.
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Amaya, I see your raised hand and I know what you’re going to ask. How many clones might Harry have created? Here’s a graph showing possible replication scenarios. If each of Harry’s clones creates two more clones of itself and so on, in thirty days the mass of the clones will be enough to push Earth out of orbit and send us all careening into the sun. And that’s the best-case scenario.
But why would Harry need another version of himself? Here’s a slide of my theories:
- He is training the clone to do his job so he can take that trip to Amsterdam to experience their “bike culture.”
- He needs an organ farm in case he gets sick from eating things off the ground.
- He did it not because he needed to, simply because he could, jamming a massive middle finger into the eye of God.
- A sex thing.
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Stan, I know what you want to ask. Would I use Harry’s technology to make a clone of myself? Is it wrong to create a being solely for my own selfish desires? But isn’t having kids the same thing? Are clones even human? Is there some spark, a soul, a spirit, that makes each of us ourselves and would I be creating a being without the essential humanity required to live a fulfilling life? If I did sex stuff with my clone would that be incest or masturbation?
Please, vote now in the live poll.
No Darius, there’s no need to text Harry. Oh god, he’s coming in here. Shit, how do we know this is the real Harry and not his… Hey Harry, real quick, would you mind answering a question only the real Harry would know the answer to? On your first day, what nickname did I give you? Pencil Shorts, correct. And what did you tell me when I tried to spread it around the office? Fuck off. Also correct.
Now that we know it’s you, Harry, why have you chosen to defy the laws of nature and duplicate yourself? Everyone here has been saying its obviously your twin brother but I think…
Ha, he’s not your twin? He’s a new guy in IT who has a similar haircut. Great, thanks for clearing that up. See you later.
Ok, I know what you’re all thinking. That wasn’t the real Harry. That was obviously a robot.