If your pet crawled, flew or swam its way into your heart, chances are you know how important it is to look good while being by yourself on internet forums. Your axolotl can’t love you so it’s all the more important to treat yourself to some self-love!

Our guide to this season’s hottest hairstyles will have you looking fresher than an aquarium after a water change and more dazzling than the scream of a pubescent sun conure.

Low Ponytail (Women)

How to pull it off: Own three geckos.
How to accessorize: Take it to the next level by painting your fingernails with highlighters.
Who’s got the look: Your pansexual teenaged cousin.

Low Ponytail (Men)

How to pull it off: Own one iguana or one young boa constrictor.
How to accessorize: Jeans cut with kitchen scissors into shorts are a must. This look can be dressed up by dying your beard or dressed down by completely neglecting to shave.
Who’s got the look: Approximately half a dozen lone men for every state fair and flea market.

Shoulder-length, Uncombed (Women)

How to pull it off: Own multiple freshwater aquariums and name every fish except for schooling fish, which are given collective names.
How to accessorize: Your fish are your accessories of course! But consider adding your locally crafted glass bowl of medical-grade weed to the mix!
Who’s got the look: Precocious, if overindulged, children and biology majors.

Shoulder-length, Uncombed (Men)

How to pull it off: Own one moderately-sized aquarium illegally stocked with a single striped bass.
How to accessorize: A vape with camo trim.
Who’s got the look: Rural metalheads.

Cute Pixie Cut That Turned into a Mullet After a Week Due to the Unusually Low Hairline on Your Neck

How to pull it off: You can’t. You rescue a 28-year-old macaw who will stay with you until you’re old.
How to accessorize: The sky is the limit here. Think transition lenses, second ear piercing, or a tattoo of a treble clef on your wrist.
Who’s got the look: Uncool aunts, public school administrators, you when you tried to pull off a pixie cut.

Bowl Cut

How to pull it off: This truly versatile style is great for all ages, sexes, and genders, as long as they are owners of ants.
How to accessorize: The classic magnifying glass goes a long way here. Be sure to pair it with an age-appropriate inability to relate to others.
Who’s got the look: Kids. Adults with a bowl and a dream.

Mullet by Choice

How to pull it off: Own a room of venomous and poisonous creatures, including, but not limited to: centipedes, asps, tarantulas, and scorpions. We’re talking tanks floor to ceiling.
How to accessorize: The usual: Snake tongs, snake hooks, snake bag, snake gloves—but in fun colors.
Who’s got the look: The only person in the United States since 1986 to be hospitalized by a Malayan pit viper.

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Writing Satire for the Internet, Sketch Writing, and Writing for TV & Film start Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.