There is a lot on the line for Democrats in 2020, and we are faced with deciding who is the right person to lead us to victory in the upcoming general election. While I may have previously displayed support for one or two other candidates in the past, I want to make it perfectly clear that I have always supported Michael Bloomberg for President ever since he offered me $6,000 to say nice things about him.
A lot of my friends ask me, “why do you support Bloomberg?” I could point to his views on minimum wage (he hates it), on criminal justice reform (he hates it), or people of color (he hates them), all as things that are garbage opinions. So instead I will point toward my new MacBook Pro, which was purchased with the Bloombucks Mike sends me every month simply for writing stuff like “Mike knows how to get things done.”
Do I wish that things like Medicare for All and student debt forgiveness were both plausible? Sure, but it's clear that in the upcoming election there is too much at risk to support divisive policies that aren't likely to pass through the legislature. It's time we be realistic, like the very real check Bloomberg mails me as long as I act like these progressive proposals aren't extremely popular with Democrats.
But more than anything as a Democrat, my biggest priority in 2020 is to nominate someone who will defeat Donald Trump. So when looking at the narrowing field of contenders, I now believe that because of his extensive experience and immense resources, Michael Bloomberg is the only candidate who will pay me 6,000 clams a month to say that he can defeat Donald Trump.
To defeat Trump, we need someone who will unify the party. Bloomberg's campaign has displayed an uncanny ability to unite progressive and centrists activists alike to come together and take money from him. He is even courting Yang voters by offering a UBI of $6,000 a month to all journalists like me who write articles like this one.
Despite always liking Bloomberg since he started paying me, I'll admit he isn't the perfect candidate. In many ways, he's just like Trump in that they're both sexist, racist billionaires. But there is a clear difference between the two: Trump has yet to offer me 6,000 smackeroonies a month to log on twitter and attack anyone who makes fun of him. I'm not sure about you, but I'm going to support the oligarchical candidate whose policies most materially benefit my life.