Amethyst: The Manifestation Stone

A beautiful purple stone, it is one of the most common. Often used by unremarkable white men to get ahead through little to no talent of their own, amethyst should be carried in the pocket next to a cash-stuffed billfold and CBD vape.

Agate for Inner Stability
Ranging from transparent to multi-colored, this crystal promotes inner stability. Outwardly, it expresses itself as an unstable lunatic wearing a bucket as a hat who screams at the sky about the existence of the Deep State.

Tourmaline: The Grounding Stone
Black as night, this crystal allows the holder to ground anything they so choose. This could include a harmful electric current from a defective blow dryer, a teenager who has broken curfew, or a 737 MAX aircraft.

Crystal Davis née Armentrout
Formerly Homecoming Queen of Kernville High School Class of 1999, Crystal Davis can currently be found in abundance at the Timber Lanes Bowling Alley. This Crystal’s recent divorce from that asshole Randy Davis effectuates powerful sexual attraction for men and women alike, and contains the properties of age-inappropriate fashion choices and not giving a fuck.

The Rock: The Box Office Rejuvenator
Though technically not a crystal, when placed in any feature film, The Rock will guarantee profit for the filmmaker, with the exception of 2007’s Southland Tales, an anomalous flop that was more the fault of that clunker script than anything The Rock was doing.

Turquoise for Transformation
When worn on the fingers, wrists, or neck, turquoise will transform the wearer into a leathery retiree just back from wintering in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Crystal Methamphetamine: The Energy Activator
This resplendent Schedule 1 narcotic imbues its user with boundless energy as well as social and financial ruin.

The Dark Crystal
A thousand-year-old crystal from the planet Thra which cracked and created two races, the malevolent Skeksis, and the kindly wizards, the urRu. This rare gem is often best left alone, and when rebooted, causes Jim Henson to roll in his grave.

Sprinkled on meat in barrels, its preservative powers provide sustenance (and flavor!) during a long ocean crossing.