1. What is the crime that you would be accused of?

  1. Possession of less than 2 grams of marijuana
  2. Murder
  3. Slander or libel of the president
  4. Theft of $1,000 or more in cash, property, or cheese

2. What would you try to make your shiv or shank out of?

  1. The sharpened end of a toothbrush
  2. You don’t need a shiv, you snuck a knife into prison between your butt cheeks
  3. You would make friends with the biggest guy who doesn’t have a swastika tattoo and he would protect you
  4. The sharpened bones of a rat you found in your cell and subsequently ate

3. What would your first prison tattoo be of?

  1. A heart with your significant other’s name on it because nothing says love like a prison stick-and-poke tattoo done by a man who may have killed three people with a baseball bat
  2. A pair of eyes on the back of your neck to trick the less-intelligent inmates
  3. An angel to protect you
  4. A large chest tattoo of a cow snorting powdered heroin off of a hooker to insinuate that you are fucking crazy and people should not mess with you

4. What’s your contraband of choice?

  1. Prison hooch, mixed in a toilet bowl and drunk from a garbage bag that has spent the day hidden from the guards in your underwear
  2. Cigarettes, because at this point smoking is the closest thing you’ve made to a good choice in years
  3. A phone to text your mate and occasionally tweet so you don’t lose followers from inactivity
  4. An unsettlingly descriptive Swedish porn book from the 1870's

5. How do you spend your time in the yard?

  1. Working out and playing basketball to stay in good shape for when you're released after two life sentences
  2. Breaking rocks with a pick-axe, prompting guards to ask where you got the pick-axe and why you feel the need to break rocks like a prisoner from the 50's
  3. Holding rooftop protests rallying for improved conditions, better food, and more secure storage areas for the pick-axes
  4. Trying to burrow under the fence like a naked mole-rat: with your teeth while inexplicably naked

6. In a moment of enlightenment, when you start your path to redemption, what god do you allow into your life?

  1. The Christian God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit since they are the most readily available and least likely to get you shiv’d by a man with a swastika tattoo
  2. Mephisto, Lord of Lies and Eternal Damnation, because you’ve skipped enlightenment and gone straight back to the murder-hobo persona you were already rocking
  3. Buddha, in an attempt to find tranquility in the chaotic prison life and finally settle down
  4. Scientology, because you’ve always been curious what their actual beliefs are, you’re very interested to learn about the religion that Charles Manson deemed “too crazy,” and you’ve finally got some time on your hands

For every answer A, give yourself one point. For every C, two points. B’s get you three points. Four points for every D.

0-5: There were six questions each worth at least one point. How did you manage to get less than six points? You don’t even make it to San Quentin, you die in the court system from botulism.

6-10: You’re in the West Block, where most new inmates go. Your first few weeks will be spent doing ice-breakers with your fellow new inmates and meeting the guards in your area.

11-14: You will be housed in San Quentin’s South Block, where they have a lovely book club set up and on every third Thursday there is a potluck treat day in the mess hall.

15: You get shiv’d on your first day, bleed out, and die before even getting to your cell.

16-18: East Block is where you will be kept during your stay, where there is a long-standing tradition of older inmates gathering a group of new inmates and playing a game called Handjob Roulette, which is a lot like Russian Roulette, just a different kind of weapon with a different kind of payload.

19-23: You will be staying in North Block, a section so notoriously violent that guards wear riot gear at all times. The usual wake-up call of guards banging their nightsticks on the bars of your cell is not viewed as harsh enough here. Instead you will be woken up every morning with a shot of pepper spray to the face.

24: Upon arriving at San Quentin, you will be taken to the administrative section and everyone will begin referring to you as the Warden. Due to odd clerical errors, prisoners are occasionally named Warden of San Quentin by accident. It is suggested you roll with it and release yourself.