Step Five: Start having doubts about your tattoo, which is looking more and more like a colorable stencil on a paper placemat for kids
Maybe before departing, the yogurt left a note for its live-in yogurt boyfriend, who was at his company kickball league going absolutely beast mode.
We don’t care about fingernails. Well, we kind of care that they’re clean, but we don’t file, buff, color, or cover them up with fake nails.
A millennium of mystics lives in my heart. But when you look at me, all you see is “Prince of Darkness” in Comic Sans stretched just under my chin.
“Live, Laugh, Love” in Cursive: Are you a human or the wall clock I bought from the Home Goods clearance section?
What would you try to make your shiv out of? The sharpened end of a toothbrush, or the sharpened bones of a rat you found in your cell and then ate.
Waist up. Open-neck shirt, light blue. Body angled but just barely, so the viewer wonders, "Is his body angled or not?" One hand across waist.
5 Times My Father Was Strapped for Cash So We Had to Pay Our Rent by Complimenting Our Landlord’s Horrendous Calf Tattoos
He has a visible tattoo of Tim Allen playing billiards with Tim Allen. (The second Tim Allen had red glowing eyes. He kept calling him “Dark Tim.”)
We want our employees to look virtually identical so if one disappears (I mean "calls out") we can just sub someone else into that role.
Gaze upon the glory of my cover of “Seven Nation Army.” Observe the light of my own original songs, which sound exactly like “Seven Nation Army.”
Things got worse after I said my favorite R.E.M. song was “Shiny Happy People.” He got so angry that I thought his slim body was going to overheat.
I need to be moistened. I must stay moist. Look at me upside down and I become the illustrated narrative of Ben’s epic friendship with Matt Damon