Hey, did you take my yogurt? You know, the one in the office fridge clearly labeled with my name, cell number, and emergency contact? You didn’t? Well that's odd, because I just checked the fridge at my daily designated yogurt time of 2:30 (or “two-gurty” if you can hang), but my yogurt was gone.

You’re sure you didn’t take it? Interesting… Well, then I guess the only logical explanation here is that the yogurt just left on its own, huh? That it hoisted itself up, maybe slung a little travel bag made from a pitted olive over its shoulder, and just peaced out like some kind of dairy Shawshank. I mean, if you swear you didn’t take it then that must have been what happened!

And I’m just spitballing here, but maybe before departing, the yogurt left a note for its live-in yogurt boyfriend, who was out at his company kickball league going absolutely beast mode. Perhaps it wrote that it was leaving him to go stay at its mom’s place; that it was sick of dealing with him and his “irredeemably shitty flaws,” like his calf tattoos (“one for each DUI”) and penchant for the term “beast mode.” We can assume the boyfriend’s initial reaction was shock, followed by outrage, then profound and unrelenting despair.

“So this is what heartbreak mode feels like,” he probably thought as he lay sobbing in the crisper drawer.

To clarify, this is a purely hypothetical scenario that I just made up, notwithstanding the weirdly specific details about the yogurt boyfriend’s body art. I'm just saying that's what could have happened if you didn't take my yogurt, which you've already established to be the case. I guess I’m just a little hung up on how heartless the yogurt was by dumping the guy, you know? Like, who just ups and leaves like that? Seriously, that yogurt may have been fat-free but it sure as hell wasn't drama-free.

I'm sorry, that was a fucked up thing to say. My calcium levels are deficient from lack of yogurt, and I think it's clouding my judgment. I will do better.

Still, the most galling aspect of the situation is how the yogurt presumably left without giving its boyfriend any prior warning. I mean sure, it may have dropped a few subtle hints, like when it told him, “I feel like we’re drifting apart,” or “please stop gambling our money on gender reveals or I'm going to leave you.” But how the hell was he supposed to pick up on such coded rhetoric? He’s a yogurt, not a mind reader! And frankly, even if he could read minds he wouldn't, because reading sucks ass, excluding the Waffle House menu and Tom Clancy novels.

For the record, I'm not trying to say the boyfriend is entirely without blame here; he very well could have made some regrettable mistakes while dating the yogurt. Like, maybe he forgot the yogurt's birthday last year, or wore jorts to its dad’s shiva. Maybe those things happened on the same day— who knows? All I'm saying is that my man didn't deserve to be dumped over a few measly goofs. The yogurt could have easily just forgiven him, like, say, Jesus Christ forgave our sins (incidentally, the boyfriend did say that at the shiva and it did not go well).

But despite having his feelings hurt, the boyfriend still probably wants to get back with the yogurt. So maybe recently he’s been lavishing it with little romantic gestures, like rose bouquets and erotic haiku. Maybe he’s even stood outside its mom’s place and reenacted the iconic scene from Say Anything, where the guy teaches the girl he likes how to drive stick shift on her dad’s Ford Tempo. But unfortunately, these attempts have been unsuccessful. What’s more, he’s heard the yogurt has started seeing someone new: some half-gallon tub of protein powder with a law degree and a great ass. He can't compete with that. Maybe it's time to accept that it's over, that the yogurt has moved on.

Anywho, as I was saying, that feels like the most plausible explanation of why my yogurt is missing—you know, since you didn't take it. I'll be on my way then… Oh, but before I go: did you hear Leslie in HR is pregnant? Such a blessing, right? I’m so happy for her. Listen, I'll bet you $500 it’s a girl.