Your Own Name

No, not your last name, just straight up your first name so that you can never forget who you are. Maybe it’s written in big gothic letters on your forearm or maybe it’s across your heart because you always promised yourself you’d follow yours. You were probably a kid who was always angry that you could never find your name on a drugstore keychain and your parents are the ones to blame for that.

“Live, Laugh, Love” in Cursive

Are you a human or the wall clock I bought from the Home Goods clearance section? This mantra seems like a gross oversimplification of the meaning of life, but life was a lot simpler when the best day of your life was the senior prom where you and the bros wore white suits because you’re different. Your mom tells you every day that you’re too idealistic and that you should get it updated to “live, laugh, get a job.”

A Barcode on Your Wrist

Well this is embarrassing now that you’ve grown up to hate capitalism and consumerism has sucked the happiness out of your soul. It’s also insanely annoying that every time you’re scanning your items at a self-check-out, your wrist only rings up as $1.99 cookie dough Slim Fast bar.

Food with Human Features

Sucks that you lost that round of beer pong to Kyle and that he triple-dog dared you to get a tattoo of a pizza smoking a blunt and giving the middle finger. But you ain’t no bitch and you would never back down from a dare so now you will live with it for the rest of your life. On the plus side, your sagging skin makes the cheese look nice and melty.

An Infinity Symbol

This isn’t a deeply personal or creative tattoo but it does help inform people that you probably have a Pinterest board for all the tattoos you want. This was a really bland way to rebel against your parents, but congrats you are now inked and I’m sure you told everyone in an Instagram post about how addicted you are to tattoos.

A Spongebob Quote

Sure, you make fun of people who have Rupi Kuar poetry on their bodies, but your “Ravioli, ravioli, give me the formuoli” is a timeless piece for sure. Most people get inked with a quote they like to live by, and it seems your life motto is.

Flowers on Your Shoulder

Three flowers, one for each of the women in your nuclear family. Delicate but wild, just like you. This is much more tasteful than most people’s first tattoo but it’s also not as creative as you thought. To be frank, a flower on your shoulder is the Ugg boots and Lulu Lemon combo of tattoos.

A Kiss Mark on Your Pec

You either did this for the story or because you truly thought you were a ladies’ man. You’ve lost your touch a bit since you lost all your hair and being on the JV baseball team doesn’t really do it for the chicks anymore.

The Word “Breathe” in a Dreamcatcher

Why were you catching your breath in your dreams? Is it because you’re running from this mistake of a tattoo? The idea came to you when you were on molly at your first rave but now that you’re older you understand that dreams are for people who don’t have credit card debt.

A Butterfly on Your Pelvis

Ah, yes, there was a time when you too were spreading your wings, living free like the wind—back when you had no bills and were still on your parent’s benefits. What a transformation it was to go from living at home to having your parents pay for your dorm—a true test of independence. The real shame in this is that the color has dramatically faded and now it looks more like a droopy moth.

A Musical Note

Because choir is forever.


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