Fingernails. We don’t care about fingernails. Well, we kind of care that they’re clean, but we don’t file, buff, color, or cover them up with fake nails. We don’t have pictures on them, apply sequins, jewels, or plastic stuff. Members may recall our president’s story about how decades ago, when she was 13, her mother, hoping to entice her into a lifetime of stressing about broken nails and chipped polish, gave her a manicure set. Our president thought it was a joke present.

She’s gotten one manicure in her life, which she was peer-pressured into the day before her daughter’s wedding. She came home, weeded the wedding venue (her yard), and destroyed the manicure in one hour.

Bottom line: If we needed fancy fingernails, we wouldn’t have (a) pockets or (b) weeds.

Toenails. See above. If fingernails can be neglected, toenails can be ignored altogether. Probably that’s why our vestigial tails finally disappeared: Because they weren’t buffed, painted “Sunset Orange” or decorated with sequins. Here’s to progressive Darwinism.

Eyebrows. Eyebrows shouldn’t look like a brace of wooly caterpillars marching across a forehead. Sometimes, tweezers are as necessary as a toothbrush, and for the same reason: close-ups. But entire retail establishments dedicated to eyebrows? What’s next, dimple parlors?

Here’s what they do in eyebrow salons: They microblade, tint, thread and microwax.

By the way, microblading is not, as you might think, the practice of making tiny cuts above the eyes so the resulting scabs look like brow hair. It’s something else. What, exactly, isn’t clear. But it’s semi-permanent and expensive. One site listed microblading at $450. For eyebrows.

We Nuh-Uhers take a more sensible approach: We wear eye glasses that blot out eyebrows for all practical purposes.

Pierced Ears. Members know what our president always says: She was destined never to have pierced ears. It would have been like piercing her tonsils. Why pierce something that will remain hidden? Her ears aren’t enormous or weird, but they are, undoubtedly, set at right angles to her head. As a child, her cup handles were ambidextrous: she slept with them flat against the pillow or folded forward; it was a choice every time. By the time she graduated from high school, she was accustomed to and even fond of her ears, the way you become fond of the funny-looking pup in the litter. The summer before college, she even turned down her mother’s offer of otoplasty. The president has looked back on that decision since, and has reflected that such a sentimental display of loyalty to her ears was certainly a testament to youthful stupidity, but she doesn’t pin her ears back for not pinning her ears back now. They work fine, they save her a lot of money on earrings, and she plans to be cremated anyway.

This speech always inspires a standing ovation by the Nuh-Uh membership.

Pierced anything: Nose, tongue, navel, eyebrows. If piercing random body parts doesn’t count as a pointless social construct designed to ensure continued enrichment of the jewelry industry, Big Pharma’s antibiotics sector and masochistic disorder clinicians, nothing does.

Tattoos: Seriously? We as a group so dread needle discomfort that we tried to define minor dental work as an unnecessary social construct. The motion failed to pass, but tattoos were “nuh-uhed” on the first ballot.

Hair colors not found in nature: Crayola-colored hair is fine for others. Those who sport blue, pink, purple, green and fire-engine red hair may continue their life journey unimpeded; we will respectfully pass.

Of course, we’re all for hair coloring in general. A majority of our members have colored our hair since high school. But our colors are found in nature, which is to say our colors are found on other humans, most terriers and some fur seals. If those colors are good enough for them, they’re good enough for us.

This, in fact, is our attitude toward personal adornment in general. If it isn’t easy and cheap, nuh-uh.


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