We, at C.U.L.T. Incorporated, are so happy you’ve decided to welcome us into your life! Don’t worry, we are definitely a real corporate company, and certainly not a cult hiding in plain sight. Our acronym can be misleading but it actually stands for… well now that I think of it, I have no idea what it stands for. Leadership keeps the details vague.
First, let’s discuss our dress policy. Unlike a cult, we don’t hand out a uniform on a hanger and demand you wear it, that’s what cults do and that’s totally not us!
However, we don’t allow piercings, skirts, yellow dresses, blue dresses, any dresses, clothes with logos, sweatshirts, sweatpants, ballet flats, all flats, heels, sneakers, loafers, bikinis, any clothing that shows your skin, tattoos and much more. But don’t worry! We do allow khakis and button-up shirts in any shade of blue! Just take a look at our sales team. Associate 1 is wearing a baby blue button-up, while Associate 2 is wearing a navy blue button-up. See, different!
We also ask that you have no facial hair, wear no makeup, have a buzzcut or your hair pulled back in a pony tail and much more. We want our employees to look virtually identical so if one disappears (I mean “calls out”) we can just sub someone else into that role. So basically, you’re totally still being yourself but adjusted to suit C.U.L.T. needs.
We even let you leave the office occasionally just to show you we aren’t a cult! But we do ask that you take your cell phone with you and be responsive at all hours of the day, or else you’re fired (this is non-negotiable). If you’re being rolled into the OR to be resuscitated or holding your newborn baby, you better remember our call comes first. We’ll assign you a pair of handcuffs because it might be easier to just chain the phone to your hand, then you can be sure of never missing our call!
We definitely honor your freedom of speech and unlike a cult, we truly value your opinions. Just as long as they are the same as ours and don’t disagree with our leaders. In fact, you should wake up every morning and recite “Leadership always knows what’s best. I am nothing without them.” We will also give you our handbook which outlines our company’s non-negotiable guidelines for you to follow. You should reference this at all times before taking action to do anything. Even blinking. Violation of our handbook will have repercussions.
On that note, we will need you to work mandatory overtime on the weekends. I see by the look on your face you’re getting worried that we might be a cult. But just remember you can leave at any time but you’ll be fired and you will be nothing if you’re not at C.U.L.T. On most occasions, which is every occasion, we will need all the reports finished before you come in on Monday so don’t bother leaving until you’re finished, which will probably be never.
You must always show allegiance to C.U.L.T. and that means posting what we want to see on social media since you are property of C.U.L.T., I mean employee! Here’s what we allow:
- Selfies of you in your khakis at work giving a thumbs up with caption “I LOVE C.U.L.T. IT IS THE GREATEST!”
- Pictures of your coffee with caption “I can’t wait to start today’s work! #C.U.L.T.” (thumbs up emoji)
- Pictures of leadership with caption “So blessed to be following the greatest leaders of our generation.”
- Pictures of your family (your C.U.L.T. family that is)
Posting anything else violates our Code of Morale. We are always watching.
Also, some other small asks. Please don’t talk about your personal life. C.U.L.T. is your life. We don’t want to see pictures of your kids on your desk. In fact, we already have a framed picture of our leaders waiting for you at your designated workspace. Work comes first, before your family and kids. Actually, just forget about your personal life, it’ll make this a whole lot easier.
I think I’ve covered everything. Now, it’s time to isolate you in one of our “quiet rooms” where you will view our videos that’ll essentially brainwash you (I MEAN TRAIN) you on how to be the best follower (I MEAN EMPLOYEE OOPS), so dedicated you’ll never think to leave.
So, welcome! And just remember, the grass is never greener if you’re not at C.U.L.T. Incorporated, in fact, the grass doesn’t exist outside of this company.