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When porpoises work out, do they get a rush of endolphins?
— Susan Sassi, @sassers_
I should have known Waldo would disappear on me like that. There were so many red and white flags.
There's something about the Christmas spirit and how it grabs hold of me, locks me in the trunk of its car, and drives me around the woods of northern Maine for days that still mystifies and confuses me after all these years.
I always forget that too much socializing gives me the meet sweats.
My uncle used to advise me to never forget Leg Day, which was just what he called the day he lost his leg.
Words can hurt. Ask anyone who’s ever had a dictionary thrown at them.
— Corey Pajka, @CPajka
My word is my bond, unless you’re my landlord, in which case it’s $2,200.
I don't believe in hard work. It's just a way for some people to justify good fortune.
God, grant me the Courage to use words I don’t know the meaning of,
Serenity to argue the definition of those words,
And Felicity to hold my ground in said arguments.— Liam Paris, @liam_paris
I have this friend I call “the priest” because he wears all black and carries a rosary. Once he even enrolled at a seminary and took a vow of chastity, and now he says Mass every day and lives at a rectory. He's a priest.
They say you should never meet your heroes. That's why I've never met my dad.
Me: Can you tell me why I hate my sister?
Therapist: No, I’m a PHYSICAL therapist.
Me: Can you beat up my sister?
I don’t mean to get political, but I love a good party.
I am interested in making my ass completely smooth, with no contours or separation, like sea glass or Costco's floors.
It is so rude to fall asleep during a meeting. It's like we get it, you “have a life,” you don't need to rub it in.
“I'd like you better if you had blonde hair,” I say condescendingly to the squirrel outside my house.
It’s not easy being the son of Frankenstein. No matter how many bodies you reanimate, no matter how many villages get pillaged, people will always say, “Oh, you’re Victor’s boy!”
Thinking about the time when I was 5 and my dad told me to give a fake name to the clown at my birthday party because “nobody needs to know your business.”
Any restaurant is a drive-thru if you're a bad enough driver.
Just because I’m racially ambiguous doesn’t mean you have to guess.
I had a joke about World Introvert Day, but I think I'll keep it to myself.
My grandfather had a problem. Well, he had many problems, but one of them was gambling. My mother inherited that from him. She couldn’t inherit anything else. He lost it all gambling.
If a gym teacher blows his whistle in a forest and no one is there to hear it, did he still wish with that breath that he hadn't peaked as co-captain of the 8th grade wrestling team?
There’s a lot of nepotism in the Zamboni driving industry.
I say I’m in my hot girl summer era, but all I really do is just go up to guys in bars and ask them why we can’t just print more money.
I’ll sell my brain before I sell my phone, because it’s worth more these days.
I want to write a novel about Schrödinger’s Cat, but I don't know if there's a story there or not.
— Corey Pajka, @CPajka
I’m so paranoid that the other day in the grocery store a guy asked me if I worked here, and I said WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?
“Never stop exploring,” I say, as I find a previously hidden piece of belly button lint.
Thinking about being cryogenically frozen for a few years, I could really use a vacation.
Strong passwords must exercise regularly to maintain their strength.
The Dad Joke is dead. Please welcome, the Papa Pun.
I want a man who will text me less than Seamless when food is on the way, but more than Seamless after I tell them the order was wrong.
God, exhausted after having created the sun: “Let’s call it a day.”
Give a squirrel a nut and you feed it for a day, teach a squirrel to nut and you'll be in prison for a lifetime.
The supply shortage is so bad this year kids won’t be getting razor blades in their candy until mid-February.
Idle hands are the devil’s playthings. Idle feet are the devil’s kink.
Every workout class today:
– Held in a dark cave blasting remixes at a decibel level you didn’t know was legal indoors
– The instructor is named Morgan, the perkiest girl in Bama rush
– Morgan smile-yells into a microphone to do an exercise you've never heard of
I’m an anesthesiologist by day and a ventriloquist with a sedated patient by night.
Repeat after me: I am not a parrot.
My girlfriend broke up with me for falsely quoting movies all the time. All I said to her was, “Frankly, my dear, I don't care.”
— Eli Rubin, @eliisahack
The police came to my house and told me I was a “person-of-interest” in one of their cases. My wife rushed to the door and assured them I had been a bore as long as she’d known me.
A good friendship must be earned. A true, lasting friendship must be purchased.
“I can fix him,” says the vet, examining my new pet Rottweiler who ruthlessly humps anything in his path.
For tips on falling asleep quickly, expert sleep therapists suggest having no regrets.
It’s difficult to tell how spiritual animals are, but I am fairly certain most monkfish believe in Cod.
My “therapist” thinks I don’t respect his role.
I let Jesus take the wheel but ended up at a crossroads.
I would do anything to be a morning person except effectively manage my time.
When an airline pilot says they're taking off today, are they going to work or not?
Guy #1: Do you feel like someone's missing?
Guy #3: Yes.— Jon Aron
Every day I tell my husband how happy he is.
My insurance company gave me a blanket. It only covers about a third of my body.
What did the bad joke have to say for itself? “Let me explain.”
I was named after my mother. She was named 30 years prior.
— Diana Witt, @_dianawitt
If you don’t finish the punchline of a dad joke, it becomes an absentee father joke.
If you want to be an expert on the Middle Ages, you really gotta know yore shit.
My neighbors wanted their children to grow up bilingual so they alternated days in which they spoke English and French. This was not a problem until their son came to work with me and I couldn’t understand him half the time.
There should be a food delivery app that also tells you what part of your order will be wrong or forgotten.
Why don't animals ever 69? Because they can't count that far.
I think D.A.R.E. would have been more effective if it were called Double Dog D.A.R.E.
When life gives you lemons, resell them as “rare, heirloom, organic, locally-sourced citrus produce.”
Stop saying “you are what you eat,” it's making me crave employed people.
I hope to die doing what I love: Creating content.
Every morning at four, I let two cats out and one cat in, except on Thursdays when I let one cat out and two in. The other cat stands in the doorway indecisively. This daily cat math has kept my mind agile for the last five years. Or has it been six?
“Yes, it will be the most popular fruit of all, but also it will be CRITICAL to Sex Ed classes around the world!”
—God, inventing bananas
Took down my crucifix today. Not because I don't believe. I just don't want a famous person to watch me cry-eat Scooby-Doo fruit snacks in the nude.
Me: If memory serves me correctly–
Memory: I DON'T WORK FOR ANYONE.
My family gave me a smartwatch for Christmas. I'm hoping it will help with my 12 steps.
I've made some mistakes, but I'm sure, with some effort, I can repeat most of them.
My parents have always been very supportive of my writing. I think that indicates how bad I am at everything else.
People always asking if you want to hear a “fun fact” but they never mention that the “fun” is silent.
“Quoting dead philosophers makes you sound like a prick.” —Plato
“You're the one,” he always said to his wife. “You're the two,” he always said to his second wife. His English wasn't very good.
It feels like they make movies these days like Midwest winters: no color, cold characters, and lasting a lot longer than you want it to.
“Kiss Me Thru the Phone” wasn't about phone sex, it was about how your relationship with your parents automatically gets better when you move far far away.
Trying a yoga class is like an office job: strict dress code, a lot of circling back, and you’re stuck in a position for an undetermined amount of time.
Don't anthropomorphize your pets. They hate that.
In my family, we don't believe in punishing our kids. At least, not until they untie us.
Staring into the mirror, I say out loud, “You're such an idiot. What are you doing with your life? Maybe you should just drive yourself into a river, call it a day.” Which is a terrible thing to say, and an even more unsettling thing for the Uber driver to hear.
If Shakespeare knew that more than 400 years after his death, people would still be enjoying his work, would he be happy? Or would he be mad because we still haven't invented flying cars?
I’m no Olympic biathlete, but it seems to me the most obvious winning strategy would be to shoot all your opponents and take the penalty laps for missing the targets.
I once worked at a used car dealership for cars that would randomly start driving. We stood behind every car we sold.
— Phil Healy, @phealings
To choose the correct spelling, trust your judgement. Or maybe your judgment?
Here at the Hampton Inn, hospitality is our priority! Our hotel is your home. Now answer me this, would you leave 30 soaking wet hand towels on the bathroom floor of your home?
I’m neither an early bird nor a night owl, I’m a midday pigeon who only leaves my apartment to procure garbage food.
“This isn't my first rodeo!” I said, pronouncing “rodeo” like “Rodeo Drive,” signaling that it was, in fact, my first rodeo.
I can see why they went for the brand name “Superdry”—“Arid” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.
I’m bringing back letter writing. Sending one letter a week to a random person for 26 weeks. I’m on “K”, they're all different. The random person is Emilio Estevez, who you might remember as Coach Bombay in the 1992 movie The Mighty Ducks.
You can find my writing in my journals, but please don't.
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to be crushed by it, did it miss an opportunity?
You are not you're mistakes.
If a bunch of crows is a murder, and two crows are an attempted murder, is one crow just in the planning stage?
I’m an activist and scholar whose praxis embodies the intersections between liberation from systemic injustice and screaming demeaning names at strangers.
Weathermen don’t have regretful one-night stands, they have overnight lows.
Give a man to fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he can hang out in the teachers' lounge.
I’m vegan which means when I go out to eat with my family I get something with tofu instead of the respect of my grandfather.
September 31 was the day I realized I needed a calendar.
It's called Reverse Psychology. Don't look it up.
No, Slender James is my father. Please, call me Slim Jim.
My coworkers are constantly badgering me about the family photos on my desk. I mean, WHO CARES how I got photos of your families, man.
My girlfriend is obsessed with true crime documentaries about women who kill their husbands. I'm starting to worry about her husband.
I have seasonal allergies, which sucks because there are four seasons and one is happening all the time.
Say what you will about the Large Hadron Collider, but it keeps particle physicists off the streets.
Whenever an obnoxiously loud car revs its engine all I hear is, “VROOM VROOOOM TO GROW AS A PERSON!”
Contrary to popular belief I do not just “stay in sweatpants all day.” I start with outside sweatpants, then house sweatpants, and then bedtime sweatpants.
They say marathon running is a mental sport. In my experience, it's mostly legs.
Imagine my surprise discovering “Sex Ed” was just the name of a class and not the name of the coolest guy in high school.
My uncle always said, “Don't be the hero.” So I didn't pull the fire alarm.
The Tooth Fairy is just an organ trafficker.
“You look very young for your age.”
“Thanks, I was born premature.”
If time travel isn’t possible, then how on God’s green earth do you explain Colonial Williamsburg?
How do we decide which soup of the day becomes soup of the year?
To air is human. To forgive confusing a frequently used noun with an infrequently used verb? Divine.
— Corey Pajka, @CPajka
An easy way to beat a lie detector is with a baseball bat.
What was that word again? Oh yea, “unforgettable.”
What is a “quarian” and why are so many old people against it?
A genie's biggest fear has got to be a lava lamp.
I like learning new things on Wikipedia. And even if an article has been edited and isn't true, that's ok–I like spreading rumors, too.
Assistant: I’m here to help!
Boss: I’m here to make sure you help!
Gravity was its own downfall.
When we were told to chase our dreams, nobody mentioned they'd be mostly anxiety dreams.
I guess after eighteen years, I'm willing to consider accounting my “calling.”
JFK said, ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country's congressmen to change the laws so you can get a larger tax refund to give to that congressman.
My therapist wants me to get in the habit of waking up, meditating, and writing down five things I’m grateful for in a journal. So every day I wake up, have a mild panic attack, and write “that I didn't have social media in high school” in my gratitude.
If you date a musician, you don’t “break up” with them, you drop a new single.
Don't let “growing old” get you down; you may not be able to stand back up.
“Diet Me” walked so “Vacation Me” could run.
I knew I had to stop drinking when I couldn’t hold my liquor anymore without spilling while changing lanes.
Ok, I understand you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but who actually wants to read a WHOLE book to judge it?
Hey kids, Elmo is now in his forties, so if he asks you to tickle him, please tell your parents.
Sock puppeteers probably start at ankle socks and work their way up.
The best jam: strawberry
The worst jam: toe— Betsy Holt, @BetsyGHolt
Pour some out for the homies that didn't make it– Whoa, whoa. Not THAT much.
Me doing yoga to relieve my chronic back pain and close-to-arthritic spine? Now that's a stretch!
When people say they need to “unplug and recharge,” are they just using a wireless charger?
They say you can't reinvent the wheel, but what would you call a Lazy Susan?
As I get older, I can sense people dressing me with their eyes.
The older you get, the better you get (at lying to yourself).
This, ultimately, is the message of the holiday card: “These are the best moments of our year—and they’re not even that good.”
I'm so woke, my favorite romantic comedy is “Um, Actually….”
“We are not sheep.”
“All together now!”
“We are not sheep!”
—Conspiracy theorist subreddits
Drinking daily green smoothies can provide up to 80% of your personality.
“Purity Ring”? No thank you, my Brita pitcher and I are just friends.
Trust me, you also don't want to look a gift horse in the ass.
Call Me By Your Name sounds like an un-filled-out Mad Libs prompt.
“Dress for the body you have, not the body you want.”
–Motivational serial killer
I could very easily commit to a crime—if it treated me right.
I don't go thrift shopping, I go good will hunting.
“10 Ways to Fix Your AirPods” definitely means “We Don't Know What's Wrong With Your AirPods.”
Still seeking the level of inner peace of a woman in a commercial eating a single square of dark chocolate.
You may not believe that contractions are difficult for me to use correctly, but they’re.
Today, I saw the cutest baby making their parents laugh. But when I went over, the baby refused to repeat the joke.
I’m constantly asked how to build wealth—and it’s simple: have parents who consistently outperform the S&P 500.
Get Rich Quick Scheme
Step 1: Wait for Rich in the deserted alley behind his apartment.
Step 2: When he appears, swiftly toss him into the back of your waiting van.
Congratulations, you got Rich quick! What you do with him is up to you.
Hanging with art friends and repeatedly pointing at graffiti and shouting “Is THAT a Banksy?!” until they snap.
Working Titles for Covid Summers:
– Hot Mess Summer
– Vaccine for HPV Summer
– White Boy Can Come But We’ve Got an Eye On Him Summer
– Masks On, Tits Out Summer
– What About the Variants Summer
– Eh, We All Die Eventually Summer
– Oh Right! I Hate Going Out Summer
I'm a gumball, and the secret to withstanding inflation is really just a hard, protective shell.
It’s good to look up the difference between “effect” and “affect” every now and than.
I suffer from a disease called “resting approachable face.” It’s like “resting bitch face” but instead of people thinking I’m upset, they think I’d be willing to take a picture of their family.
Damn, the Twin Towers really did everything together.
I used to do a lot of speed dating. Now I do a lot of speed alone.
There can only be one girl boss, the rest are just girl associates.
Hey girl, you must be a Terms and Conditions checkbox, because I’d ignore all the warnings and hit that.
The Olympics are kinda cute. It's just one country saying, “Do you guys wanna come over and play some games?”
The Home Shopping Network is always saying “Operators are standing by,” and I'm like, “Finish the fucking sentence.”
My son was bitten by a mouse and now he really likes cheese. This could be the worst superhero origin story ever.
I asked my six-year-old why she didn't pick me as her hero for a school project. She said she thought the irony would be lost on her peers.
Shouldn’t the word “phonetic” be spelled “fonetic”?
Your Porn Name is your full name, social security number, credit card number + expiration date + CVC + billing address + mother's maiden name, and all your email, social media & other account logins & passwords + Jeremy. Share yours below!
Spelling Bee? Yeah, that's super easy, it's only three letters.
Nobody ever talks about defunding the fashion police or abolishing finger guns.
Not all who wander are lost… they're just always in my way when I'm trying to get over to the right exit ramp.
— Ben Wink
If math is hard, then why are mathletes so soft?
When a dog licks a stranger's face on a walk, they get adored. When I do the same thing on a walk, all I get is “arrested!”
— Corey Pajka, @CPajka
When I babysit my niece, sometimes she'll ask tough questions like, “Where's my mom?” So I have to reply, “Well, your mom's in heaven.” Because I just love the look of childlike wonder on her face when her mom walks through the front door.
A Narwhal-nado would actually be much deadlier than a sharknado.
Happiness is that feeling you get when you take warm laundry out of the dryer. Sadness is that feeling you get when your neighbor discovers you in their house holding their warm clothes.
Beggar: Please, ma'am, I'm so hungry. May I have some food?
Woman: Sure, you can have my granola bar or my Pop-Tart. Your choice.
Beggar/Chooser: Everyone said this is impossible!
He wasn't afraid to ask the tough questions, but he sure was afraid of clowns.
Smart kids are gifted, smart adopted kids are re-gifted.
I never pay full price for designer perfume when I can buy generic. That's just common scents.
If I ever see Bigfoot again, I hope he’s changed his “no photos” policy.
“Girls will be girls” I say as a drive over my neighbor’s curb and into her petunias for the second time this summer (:
They say true love is when you love someone else as much as yourself. I know I'm in love because I absolutely hate my girlfriend.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I actually find words, tone of voice, and agitated looks really hurtful, too. Come to think of it, there are many ways to hurt me.
You are now entering the calzone, where everything is folded in half.
What's the difference between a bird and a plane? Birds can't even hold their own shit when flying but planes can fly and carry the shit of hundreds of people at the same time.
If you die on a picnic, you die in real life.
Breaking News: Congress found a quarter behind America's ear.
My five-year-old refers to his Hot Wheels cars as his girlfriends. I can't relate because I've never dated a toy that didn't have batteries.
Bartender: And are you over 21, young man?
Me: Pffffft, please, I was born over 21.
It's super crazy that toothbrushes were only invented in 2003 and before that everyone just cleaned their teeth with old newspapers.
Listen, I’m just an ordinary Gleeflawrp. I put my qxtaag on one jrrtyllian at a bloarf, just like everybody else.
I’m looking for a partner who gives me the level of attention, responsiveness, and general concern that a gym gives me after I've missed a couple of payments.
Lao Tzu once said a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I'll take that step into a plane.
“Mommy, what’s that deep groaning sound from inside the walls, saying that being with an adequate partner is preferable to risking a lifetime of loneliness?”
“Don’t worry, Sweetie, that’s just the house settling.”
I like to think that Marco Polo found himself in the end.
I wish I'd been alive when the wheel was invented, because it would've been awesome to see how stoked people were when they could finally use their cars.
You can lead a horse to a bar, but you can’t make it buy you a drink.
People refer to us as a spiritual couple but I think they just mean poor.
“Everything is fine,” I sighed while placing my bagel order.
Here's a little good news: The murder rate is going down. It's three hundred dollars now.
One day in 11th grade we had the most appalling substitute teacher. He didn’t know the first thing about substitute.
The death penalty should be reserved only for microwaves that continue beeping even after you open the door when your food is ready.
As an adult, you still have unrealistic dreams and aspirations. When you were a child you'd say, “I want to be an astronaut” to any grown-up who would listen. Now you say, “I want to be happy” to an apathetic pet or coworker who wishes you were both dead.
I used to do a lot of Shakespeare in the park, or, as the Chicago Police like to call it, “Drunk and Disorderly Conduct.”
If cancel culture is so real then why do I still have so much student debt?
I don’t mind my doctor using a little hammer to test my reflexes, but are the little nails necessary?
I was told at a very young age that I was gifted. I was also told that my parents never wrote a thank you note to Linda and Steve.
If blindfolded, could a professional investment manager tell the difference between common shares of Coke and Pepsi? Discuss.
Guide to Job Hunting:
1. Once you've hunted the job, cut the heart out and bite it as its beating slows.
2. Skin and drain the job.
3. Use all parts of the job—waste not, want not!
4. The bones of most jobs can be reshaped into tools to hunt future jobs.
Dress for the weather you want, not the weather you have.
The word “queue” is so dramatic. Babe, you're a letter.
Stop being passive-aggressive. You know who you are.
If there are two things I took away from my last job, they're kleptomania and my boss's computer.
— Eli Rubin, @eliisahack
Just because I wore all denim to a wedding doesn't mean I'm down with Mumford & Sons.
We’re thinking Telenovela if it’s a girl, True Crime if it’s a boy.
Are there intelligent life forms out there in the universe? Well yeah. No one's visited us yet.
Soldier 1: The rockets red glare looked cool. But I messed up the bombs and they just started bursting in air.
Soldier 2: Don't worry about it. Doubt anyone noticed.
It’s bonkers that some cult classics have smaller followings than some classic cults.
They say, “Revenge is sweet.”
They also say, “Revenge is best served cold.”
So I say, “Revenge is ice cream.”
I have a degree in climate change, and in ten years it turns into two degrees.
Never understood death row inmates who who order gargantuan last meals. The last thing I feel like doing after a huge meal is getting executed. Too full!
God reminds me of my ex. Why? He expects us to be only with him while he is with everyone.
A friend accused me of sharing humble brags, so I had him removed from my yacht.
I don’t think hurricanes mean any harm, I think they just want to be on TV.
— Nam Tran
It feels right that we use nuggets as a unit of measurement for the three most important things in life: gold, wisdom, and breaded chicken.
I wish Amazon would buy Facebook so I can buy my privacy back.
When I did those alcohol safety modules for college, I was disgusted by reading about drinking. I told myself I've got to stop and I did. I'm proud to say I haven't read a single thing since.
Is Harper really that bizarre, or are you just a judgmental prick?
Thank you, low-sodium hot dogs, for accommodating the health-conscious people who buy tubed meat.
Tried to join a yoga class but even my schedule wasn’t flexible enough.
Realty advice: rather than “haunted,” try “talkative” or “in high spirits.”
My friend asked me if I was a snitch, but I can’t tell.
Why does drinking water from a mug feel illegal?
In college my roommate drove around in the rain without turning on his windshield wipers because he thought it was important not to become dependent on them. Interestingly, he’s now married to his imaginary girlfriend.
Girl of my dreams: Loves me unconditionally, smart, beautiful, supports my decisions.
Girl in my dreams: Face is obscured, wraith-like, touches my elbow which makes me cum instantly.
People have a glass of wine in the tub and they're just “winding down” and “relaxing.” I shotgun a few beers in the shower and I'm an “alcoholic” and “not even in my own bathroom.”
For my next trick, I will replace calories lost hiking with this bag of chips.
Everything in moderation. In other words, extreme moderation.
The Super Bowl has become so commercialized, its religious meaning is in danger of being lost completely.
Patient: (moving his leg) It hurts when I do this.
Doctor: So don't do that.
Patient: I have to, I'm an actor.
Doctor: Can you do it differently?
Patient: Well, I've wanted to get into directing for a while.— Eli Rubin, @eliisahack
Transparency is key, but for some reason most people can't see it.
When you go to the office, you shouldn't have to leave your morals at the door. Your employer should provide a secure storage space in your cubicle.
Titles Ethelred the Unready would have preferred:
Ethelred the Give Me Five More Minutes
Ethelred the I’m Tying My Shoes
Ethelred the Just Wait in the Damn Car
Being homeschooled is like going to Hogwarts: if you learned anything, it’s magic.
It’s pretty crazy that the writer of “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” knew another guy with the exact same name.
I finally quit Facebook. It was making me too angry, even with people close to me. My last comment was: “Die Nazi scum! And tell Grandma thanks for the birthday card.”
What if there's another set of teeth after the permanent teeth, but no one has ever lived long enough to find out?
None of these therapy dogs even have their degree.
Taught my dog how to shake. Now we just need to get her to explain the gap in her resume.
The worst part about Christmas is wrapping presents. I bought my friend the latest 2 Chainz CD as a joke and asked the lady at the store to wrap it for me. She said, “I need a beat.”
I felt bad about slapping the bass at rehearsal yesterday. He’s new to a cappella and I was very frustrated with him.
I have a mouse problem. They've been using my ping-pong table as a tennis court.
Early to bed, early to rise, makes people smug, annoying and unnecessarily enthusiastic.
I have two cats: the black one is named Midnight and the orange one is named 5:45.
— Phil Healy, @phealings
I saw a guy throw a trash can into a dumpster. Is that cannibalism?
I’m very serious about minimalism. I bought like 20 books about it.
Doctor: You're losing your hair because you're anxious.
Psychiatrist: You're anxious because you're losing your hair.
Me: *anxiously loses hair*
“I wish I had something to complain about,” she whined.
“Gimme an ice cream sundae. Make it a double.”
–Child detective
Hack: I updated my LinkedIn headline to “Visual Storyteller” and was instantly recruited by Rooms To Go.
If your joke kills, does that make you guilty of man’s-laughter?
Partly cloudy is just the sky announcing it has commitment issues.
My kids are of the age now where their magic tricks are all in three parts, and the middle part is always “Look away.”
Books about cowards should have their spines removed.
— Ken Ward, @kentaroward
When my girlfriend said, “Let's pretend we're the only two people in the world,” she didn't expect me to immediately start grieving my dead family.
My cat hates when I bathe her and to be honest I don't enjoy it all that much either. It takes days to get all her hair out from my throat.
Ever notice how many dinosaur names sound alike? Who came up with all of them anyway, Thesaurus?
I like eating at a diner. I like when the place is named after me.
When I walk my dog, I get the sense he thinks he’s doing me a favor.
Is there anything more precious than a child's laughter? Yes: their extremely valuable, and virtually unused, kidneys.
I don't like kids. That's why I had low self-esteem as a child.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me once, I’m still learning how sequencing works.
Good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those with rich parents.
New erotic bread flavors at your local artisan bakery:
– Sourdough foreplay
– Multiple-orgasm-grain
– Heavily nutted and wetted
– Random big holes for his pleasure
– Not-that-interesting-but-honest-about-it for her pleasure
– Cake
Heard someone say that everyone picks their nose but I don’t remember getting to choose mine.
Prison counselor humor:
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Bonsai: The Ancient Zen Art of Humiliating Trees
What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it? Yesterday!
I'm not saying I'm better than Jesus. But I have 13 followers, and he only had 12.
I come from a very pretentious family. Our pet owl said “whom, whom.”
If you’re determined enough, everything is a choking hazard.
If you ever show your friends a picture of your crush, and you have to say, “Let me find a better picture of them,” it means they're ugly.
I'm not saying that I'm more honest than God, but I've never promised victory to both sides of a war.
2020 has helped me understand the plot of Planet of the Apes better. I could see being so fed up with human leadership that you’re like, “Maybe we give the monkeys a shot.”
He named it “The Lord of the Rings” when he COULD have named it “7 Hobbits of Highly Effective People.”
Beggars should not be choosers. They should be cooks, firefighters, scientists, something that pays.
Why do some people look so cool wearing clear glasses, but I look like I’m about to mix unknown sample B over a Bunsen burner?
Horse racing: the only sport where they shoot the athlete and pay the equipment.
Me: So anyway, that's why Jake and I aren't talking anymore, because of that thing I said about Jason, and now it's like where do I go from here, you know?
My Gynecologist: So, I'll just mark “No” for sexually active then?
This year’s been so bad, my antidepressants tried to throw themselves down the drain.
We run our home like a business, so our kids will understand that everything comes with a cost. They've been bugging me for months to raise their allowance, so finally I gave in and said, “Okay, but I'm cancelling your health insurance.”
“There’s broken glass in your sandwich, you should send it back.”
Me, mouth bleeding: “I don’t want to be a bother.”
ALWAYS recycle dead batteries. NEVER put them in the garbage. My brother WILL go through your trash and he WILL throw them at me if he finds them!!
Respiration magazine just released the newest fashion trends:
In: Oxygen
Out: Carbon Dioxide
I heard minimalism reduces stress, but I've been worrying myself sick since I cleared out my bank account.
“I could get you fired if I had enough power!” exclaims self-righteous yet self-aware customer.
“Rules are meant to be broken,” I whisper to myself as I leave my passionfruit tea bag in my mug several minutes past the recommended steeping time.
The only validation I seek is from parking attendants.
You say I wasn't an overachieving Asian kid but when my dad said to go get a stick for my beating I brought back the biggest hunk of bamboo I could find. And this was in Western Canada.
Oh, so when roosters wake up and immediately start screaming it’s “nature” but when I do it it’s “disturbing”?
Business idea: HelloFresh, but the meal is already cooked and it's pizza.
Home is where the heart is: a jar in the back of my closet.
I gave my wife a dozen roses. She never needs to know that I ate the other dozen on the way home.
Ideas for improving the Kindle: add the ability to play music, watch movies, lose the whole “reading” thing.
I followed in the footsteps of my hero. Now he has a restraining order against me.
Whenever I'm cutting peppers and I see one of those little baby peppers inside, I'm reminded why I became a pepper doctor in the first place.
They say Newton discovered gravity while quarantined during a plague. Big deal. I discovered vodka.
Me: I'm not sure if I'm a “genius.”
Me: I'm not sure if you'd say that I can “spell.”
Me: I'm not sure if I “once left a man for dead” in “the Grand Canyon.”
Me: Sorry, what was the question again?
Interviewer: I haven't asked you anything yet.
ЯOЯЯIM A ИI ႧƎꟼꟼAЯT M'I ꟼ⅃ƎH
I'm built different. Worse.
“It's not really ‘rock music' so much as it's a blend of super-inverted neo-eco-organic noncore and a multi-voiced hyper-infarcted pop-rock-steel-feel experimentation in mono-dialogical noise.”
—Rock musician from next door
I saw this ad for a sale that said “Buy one, get one!” And I was like—no shit.
I’m such a rule-follower, I lower my voice when I look through those Little Free Libraries.
When I was a kid, I hoped I would own a Ferrari someday. Now that I'm an adult, I hope I would get run over by a guy driving a Ferrari someday.
A misplaced decimal can make things a hundred times worse.
— Rick Post, @RickPostCo
Your stripper name is the word “horny” and then your regular name.
How long does it take for jelly beans to grow into jellyfish? Asking for my nephew's science project.
Sometimes when I move the space heater from the living room to the bedroom, knowing I'll have to move it back to the living room in the morning, I think, “WILL I JUST HAVE TO KEEP MOVING THIS BACK AND FORTH UNTIL I DIE?”
I write Star Trek: The Next Generation erotic fanfiction for a living. So, yeah, I work in Data Entry.
I don’t mean to brag, but I make everything look much harder than it is.
Maeve, age 10: kale is a food I feed my guinea pig. It costs $1 for a huge bag. My guinea pig loves it, but it is all she knows.
Maeve, age 23: kale is a food I feed myself. It costs $15 for a tiny bowl. I love it, but it is all I know.
I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting: which girls are single.
I got in trouble at work for posting pictures of my wife naked. Next time I'll at least wear sweatpants.
LOST: Maze builder. Last seen on way to work.
I was shocked to learn my neighbor is a serial killer. He seemed like such an asshole.
I love when movies based on a true story show pictures of the real people during the credits. It’s like, “Here’s the people you just watched, only uglier.”
Veganism is fine, but some people take it too far. I know one vegan who won't even say cheese for a picture.
Some call it self-loathing, I call it empathizing with the people who know me.
At times an instructor might tell you to stand on the balls of your feet, but that kind of hurts the penis of my feet.
You know what Kant said, so no point repeating it.
Sometimes people qualify time as “good”: “How long’s it take to get there?” “A good half hour.” What’s a bad half hour? Is that when you have to listen to jazz fusion?
If there were laws for dogs they’d probably stop messing around all the time and get to work.
Should a corn dog be called a cold dog since it needs a jacket? Or a HOTTER dog because it HAS a jacket? Something to chew on.
Prison is just the most advanced level of escape room.
There's nothing worse than exercising, eating healthy, and not drinking, and realizing it works.
“I say, Sherlock, how is it that you seem to pay no taxes?”
“Deduction, my dear Watson.”
“The only way out is through.”
—Me, forcing myself to finish the expensive iced coffee that I bought but don’t really like
Me: It was the butler, in the dining room, with the plunger.
Genealogy website: OK. Now enter details about your mother.
I don’t know if my blood has a type. I’ve never let it date anyone.
Magicians don’t retire, they become disillusioned.
Has 2020 been wearing its Halloween costume all year?
I'm sure whales have a very beautiful name for them, but to humans, they're called blowholes.
My new novel is coming out. Join me for the genre reveal party.
— Rick Post, @RickPostCo
The human body is magnificent. No other animal eats as much Chex Mix as we do.
Bragging about achieving something single-handedly sounds like you only put in half the effort.
I used to know all my friends’ phone numbers by heart and now I can’t walk into a room without saying “what was I gonna do in here?”
For a town whose motto is “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” they sure sell a lot of souvenirs.
— Barry Purcell, @solo1y
My wife thinks I'm suffering from depression, but I'm just experiencing a reduction in gross domestic product over two consecutive quarters.
McDonald's Employee: The ice cream machine is broken.
Women: I can fix him.
If you didn't go to Catholic school, “dress down days” were when, if you raised enough money for charity, your entire class got to make fun of your outfit.
If you end all your emails with “thanks” they’ll eventually figure you out.
I’m trying to stop comparing myself to others but it seems like everybody else is better at it.
When you get Botox, you don’t appear more youthful, you just look like a person who can afford Botox.
The New York Times will say “Breaking News!” then tell you news that is still intact.
I called tech support for my quantum computer. They told me to turn it both on and off simultaneously.
I envy my dog’s ability to have a conjugal visit with himself.
— Mark Peters, @wordlust
I’m not the type of crazy ex to key your car or anything, I’m the type of crazy ex who has taken a virtual Zillow tour of the home you bought with your new girlfriend and knows where you sleep. I'm doing fine though.
Whenever a computer program crashes and asks if you want to either report or ignore it, I always click “ignore” because I’m not a narc.
I read that a shark will lose almost 1,000 teeth a year. And I thought I was forgetful.
Tell a man a joke and he laughs for a second. Teach a man a joke and someone else laughs for a second, later.
It’s astonishing how much time I spend worrying about pedophiles considering they haven’t thought about me in years.
I hear a lot of interesting kids names at the playground: Emory, Wellesley, Cornell. These parents really seem focused on college admissions. My wife and I weren't so ambitious. When our son came out, we looked at each other and said, “Ball State.”
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
After further inspection, “boyfriend material” revealed to be cheap polyester blend.
It takes 12 bees their entire lifetime to make one tablespoon of honey, but less than 13 seconds for me to place a dollop on each of my nipples.
Don't judge me 'til you've cruised a mile in my Heelys.
Carrots are supposed to make your eyesight better but my blind neighbor still never sees them coming.
Want to write haiku
Don't have any ideas
Try again later
My grandparents grew up in the Depression. I grew up in the anxiety.
I have a joke about my fear of skydiving but I’m afraid it won’t land.
Me: I have Asperger's.
My Mom: What?
Me: I was diagnosed.
My Dog: Really sorry. Just wanted to ask about this butt food. Is it possible to do just the ass patty itself? Like, no bun? Actually, scratch that. I'll take it however the chef recommends.
Why don't animals wear shoes? Because they are happy with their height.
Dog, patting legs: “Shit, can one of you call my bone?”
Call me idealistic, but I want to live in a world where cyberbullying kills more people than heart disease.
When I said I wanted to make the world a better place I meant better for myself.
— Daniel Gujic, @zvoncek5
Shouldn't it be kidnabbing? Either way, to answer your question: Not Guilty, your honor.
I don’t want my doctor to wear jeans and say, “Call me Staci!” I want an 80-year-old in a white coat with glasses who is wise and doesn’t know what TikTok is.
Feelings: they never had a chance. You never hear about them swimming, only sinking.
Last holidays, we only got to see grandparents on Zoom. This year, we get to smell them again.
Do dogs know they have bones inside them?
It's not my fault I say dumb things. It's in my D&A.
I could never get a dog because you need to walk them no matter the whether. But people with dogs always say to me, “I love how my dog gets me out of the house no matter the weather, and it’s spelled ‘weather,’ idiot.”
Anytime someone compliments my gold watch: “Oh thanks, it doesn’t work, it was $11.”
“Approach each battle with the persistence of a Norton Security renewal notification, the clandestine secrecy of an overnight Windows update, and the capricious indeterminacy of a printer connection.”
—Sun Tzu, The Art of War
The worst part about being blonde is that people assume you’re having fun.
My blood alcohol content is well below the legal limit. My blood spaghetti content, however…
We have to stop telling little girls they need to know how to cook and clean if they want to attract a good husband; it’s 2021: if you want to attract a good husband, you work on your Borat impression.
Witness: This guy literally bragged about committing the murder.
Murderer: I told you that in confidence!
Remember 4th grade P.E. when you ran a mile in street clothes and then went directly to math?
Today is the first day of the rest of my week.
“You’re not like other girls….”
Actually, raging IBS is pretty common among women.
To be honest, a fair credit score isn’t.
My advice to anyone who needs to get their appendix removed is to hire a licensed editor.
Doctor: Good news. Your prostate is totally healthy.
Patient: Thanks! I’m going to be bringing in another one next week.
If mermaids ate worms, it would change everyone's entire mental image of mermaids.
The Electric Slide sounds like some sort of torture device, which also happens to be the way I view dancing.
Whoever said “actions speak louder than words” must not have heard about shouting.
A watched pot may never boil, but a boiled watch makes time a thing of the past.
I guess I'm going to have to be the one to produce the Scarface prequel, Scabface.
The closest I've ever come to participating in an orgy is taking a Zoom call naked.
I knew this failed sculpture—huge chip on his shoulder.
People describe getting hair extensions like you'd describe getting your period to a fourth grader: “You can still do all the same things! Swim, take a bath, even go for a run!”
I support a gossip-free workplace but I heard that some of our co-workers don’t.
Three wise men arrive at the manger to see newborn baby Jesus.
Joseph: Why do they call you wise men?
Wise Man: We book our rooms in advance.
I recently bought memory supplements, but then forgot to take them.
They say live your life like it’s your last day on Earth. I say, “Live your life like it’s your next to last day on Earth.” That way if you screw up, you still have an extra day.
You say I’m a terrible dad but my other family doesn’t think so.
What if Home Alone was just Kevin safeguarding himself against a virus he believed eliminated his family?
Stop begging the question. Maybe just ask it nicely?
My English teacher always told me “You can't spell ‘success' without help.” Because I was a really bad speller.
Given the choice, I'll bet Mary would have preferred an immaculate birth.
I'm only 20 but I have the body of a 30-year-old—it's taking up all the room in my freezer.
People look at me funny when I tell them I'm color blind. I'm not a freak. I still get turned on by peacocks!
They say patience is a virtue, but they don't have to look so damn smug when they say it.
Sometimes I type my computer password incorrectly and hit Enter and my computer rejects it. But then sometimes I hit Enter again as if to say, “Please?”
I hate when people say Frankenstein's penis when they really mean Frankenstein's Monster's penis.
I’m not jealous of our dog, but would it kill my wife to say “Good boy!” when I poop?
Whatever your opinion on Mark Rothko's art, you have to admit the guy didn't cut any corners.
Gas is so expensive, I can’t even afford a sex drive anymore.
I'm a natural ventriloquist. Whenever I speak, it appears a dummy is talking.
Whoever said “brevity is the soul of wit” never heard my lesser-known belief that in fact, the opposite of brevity (lengthy, meandering wordiness) may truly be at the heart of what many people, such as myself, think of as humorous joke-telling.
Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship? Asking for a friend.
Men will respond to any number you say out loud. “He got it for 899.” “Wow.” “I know.” “Is that a good deal?” “I don’t know.” “Dollars or cents?” “I don’t know.” “What’d he get again?” “I forget.”
Global warming is the biggest thirst trap of our time.
“Ready for our phishing trip, son?”
“I can’t wait, Dad,” the Nigerian Prince replied. “Just one problem: I don’t get my inheritance for a month. Can you send money to tide me over? I’ll pay you back double.”
“That’s my boy,” the King said proudly.
If the government banned circumcision, heads would roll from the top down.
Don’t be intimidated by super models. Super models are just normal people that were bitten by radioactive models.
I'm so proud of my son for starting his lemonade stand. How many kids put in the work to launder stolen lunch money?
Weddings would be more fun if The Worst Man gave a speech.
It was the best of rhymes, it was the worst of fives.
If sugar truly is more addictive than cocaine, then I really need to stop putting sugar in my cocaine.
Magician: Pick a card, any card!
Me: (picks a birthday card)
Magician: (tearfully) You remembered.
Why are men, on average, taller than women? Because most mathematicians were men.
I'm not a life coach yet, but I was recently promoted to assistant life equipment manager.
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, why is it in my house?
If you’re ever on the run from the law, don’t get into a chase. That’s how they catch you.
The artist bio can go south really fast: painter, photographer, calligrapher, dentist.
Growing up, I had such low self-esteem, my imaginary friend became my imaginary bully.
Hi, my name is Jacob, but my friends call me “overbearing.”
People say I look the same as I did in high school. I was ugly in high school.
My YouTube yoga instructor says to notice what’s around me (I notice there’s dust and hair all over my floor) then to do what feels good (so I don’t clean it up).
Flying a kite is like having the wind on a leash.
After I came out as a lesbian my ex-boyfriend of two weeks asked what he did wrong.
Well, for starters, you’re a man.
(putting my finger to the lips of diabetes medicine Jardiance®) Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at “rare but serious bacterial infection that causes damage to tissue under the skin in the area between and around your anus and genitals (perineum).”
I asked the waiter for an American cheeseburger so he pulled out a rifle and shot my burger 15 times.
Make-up artist on Instagram live: So if you have any questions, leave them in the comments!
Me: *lowers hand*
I’m not addicted to caffeine, my boss is addicted to me staying awake at work.
“No, I'm not saying I want to sell feet pics. I'm saying I'd like an appraisal.”
When your friends go out for Spanish ham and don't invite you, that's lomo fomo.
*Sees someone with gold, frankincense, or myrrh* Oh a wise guy, eh?
My mom says I shouldn’t write because I get confused too often. Like ok, what does she know? All she does is sulk, like Eeyore from The Little Mermaid.
My dad saw a sign that said “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here,” so he sped up.
If you expect me to believe in reincarnation, you must think I was reborn yesterday.
Using a laptop at a standing desk makes you look like the saddest corporate DJ of all time.
I remember the very last thing my Uncle Bert ever said to me: “Sarah,” he said, “that little tuft of hair between the ears of that hyena is just begging to be noogied.”
After my wife accused me of being overly defensive, it took weeks to figure out how she breached the outer perimeter.
AMBER ALERT: Middle-aged blonde woman in pink dress taken by spikey-shelled, bipedal turtle in egg-shaped, single-pilot helicopter. Last seen at border of Mushroom Kingdom.
“Writers of the future” sound like a bunch of procrastinators if you ask me.
Scientists declared multitasking a myth because when you multitask there is an increase in error, it also takes longer than completing one task at a time… is not the answer to “why did it take women so long to get the vote” according to my ex.
I try to be a good house guest, but I never know if I should leave the toilet seat up or down after I finish rummaging through the medicine cabinet.
When I was a kid my grandma’s idea of road safety was hugging me tighter in the backseat. Now my grandma complains that a mask hugs her face too tightly, and that’s called carma.
When I was a boy I asked my father, “Why do they describe life as a circle?” He turned to me and smiled warmly. “Because it's pointless, son.”
Come to think of it, organized crime is a lot better than UNorganized crime. “Give me the gun!” “There’s no ammo.” “Where the hell is the ammo?” “I forgot it in the car!” “Why??!” “Idk, don’t yell at me!!”
— Nam Tran
Recently became familiar with the concept of a yawn. For years I feared sleepy people were trying to eat me.
Anytime someone says they'd like to be a “fly on the wall” during some big moment, I think, “You do know people kill flies, right?”
Camouflage is great because it hides the people I already want to avoid.
Law Professor: Do you know all the amendments?
Me: I plead the seventh.
Being bisexual and anxious means everyone is a potential partner but also a potential threat.
I don't have much to complain about lately, but other than that things are going fine.
How many fanboys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. The problem is, he'll refuse to take the bulb out of the box because then it “won't be worth anything.”
When your 3-year-old ends a FaceTime call with his grandmother by saying, “Now be sure to hit the ‘like' button and subscribe to my channel,” it may be time to rein in the YouTube watching.
When I check to see if “risktaker” is one word, two words, or hyphenated, I feel like I'm missing the point.
My first grade teacher was Mrs. Password.
The drum: sounds' trampoline.
Forget wikiHow, I need wikiWhy.
*Tom Cruise on top* Oh boy, looks like we’re doing Missionary Impossible.
Leatherface was always outshined by his fabulous cousin, Patent Leatherface.
If we truly are in a simulation, it begs the question: “How many times have I pissed the bed in real life?”
I’m so into shopping local these days I’m dating someone from my hometown.
We Color-Blind people love St. Patrick’s Day. Or as we call it, “International That’s Green For Sure Day.”
Potential ridesharing company for teens: Uberty.
I’ve never had a Pap smear. The closest I want to come to getting one is going to the doctor, and having him pull out some knives, cream cheese, and bagels—a pap schmear. Sounds so much better.
My job is very cool. (I build snow forts.)
Why do they call them contractions and not birth quakes?
What sounds do crickets make when another cricket’s joke bombs?
Things have gotten so bad that I'm now putting coffee in my coffee.
I saw a kid wearing a shirt that says “cousins make the best friends.” Great job to those parents for telling the world your kid has no friends.
“That’s show biz, kid,” I whisper to myself after making yet another decision I know will make my life worse but definitely more interesting.
Tracklist from Sméagol’s new album, “Precious”:
1. Precious
2. My Precious
3. The Precious
4. Not Their Precious
5. Our Precious, feat. Tech N9ne
My grandfather worked his entire life in a mirror factory. He just couldn't see himself doing anything else.
I was going to attend a seminar on procrastination, but I told myself I could always go later.
I'm glad I have social media because sometimes I feel a little too much like a real human being, and I need some anxiety to coax me back to normal.
—First name?
—Jeff.
—Surname?
—Sir Jeff.
Once I get to the income bracket where tax evasion seems like a feasible idea, that’s when I know I’ve made it.
What kind of world is it that shorts are not half the price of pants?
Who has two thumbs and never says the punchlines of old jokes?
“Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?” Juliet ponders after Romeo turned his phone location off after getting “drinks with the boys.”
Harrison Ford plays Dr. Ricchzzxkaddw3rmms Kiowmcockble, an innocent man who is desperately trying to clear his name.
The hangman apologized because he accidentally put the noose under the sentenced man’s arm. “That’s okay,” said the condemned. “Just don’t let it happen again.”
They say that laughter is the best medicine, so I put Silly String in my grandpa’s oxygen tube. He said it tasted awful. Well, he didn’t say it, he just kind of mumbled it and then there was some loud and fast beeping.
Explaining the symbols on a map is the stuff of legends.
A humor writer walks into a deli and orders a pastrami on wry. The order is then rejected.
Funny men attract hot women and funny women attract hate comments on Twitter.
My two-year-old saw something today that no toddler should ever see at the park: a Shakespeare play.
“I am LITERALLY dying!” a dying woman exclaimed.
“Actually, you are figuratively dying,” a random man corrected her now-lifeless corpse.
I want a small wedding. No friends, no family, just the Muppets.
A lot of people think that because I’m blonde I’m going to say something stupid or ignorant, but the truth is I’m going to say something stupid or ignorant because I have a liberal arts degree and an inflated sense of self-worth.
“If I EVER find sufficient evidence that your phone call could have been an email, you WILL be required to dig up and re-bury one body using ONLY your hands. Capiche?”
-A voicemail from your new Mafia Boss
🎶 My anxiety has a first name, it’s M-O-N-E-Y! 🎵
Boy, are you serotonin because I just don’t get you.
A traffic cop's dedication to their work, no matter the weather or time of day, inspires me to be a better interpretive dancer.
Non sequitur? I hardly know her.
When God closes a door, sometimes he opens another, more confusing door like those revolving ones that are too big for one person but it’s weird if you go in with the person in front of you.
I want a trench coat so other writers will take me seriously and flashers will see me as competition.
If skinny jeans are out and loose pants are in, then what pants are ON? I AM NAKED AND COLD. PLEASE HELP.
Jesus spoke to me at church last night. “You wore that yesterday,” he said.
It’s hard to rebuild a place after a fire. It’s even harder when it’s a wax museum.
I don’t care where the states are located. If Oklahoma was next to Maine that’d be OK by ME.
Believe it or not, the modern word “wedding” actually derives from the common Old English phrase “we did a thing.”
I'm going out on a limb, preferably my legs.
Catcalling generally makes me feel weird and bad, but one time I walked out of my apartment and a man gasped and exclaimed, “A beautiful woman!” in the same tone a shipwrecked sailor might use when he sees help on the horizon, and it kind of made my day.
I got my DNA test results back and am shocked to find out that Max is not my dog.
Knocking on a door is funny because it's like, “Hey! I'm coming in, but first I gotta teach this door a lesson.”
I'm a big believer in fairness. For example, I believe that if Air Bud can play basketball, then Larry Bird should be allowed to live in my yard and drink from my toilet.
“Respect adults” was probably the weirdest rule we were given as kids, knowing what I now know about adults.
If I joined a motorcycle gang I would probably be the leader, since I own a car.
You know how magpies will seek out, treasure, and hoard shiny yet useless little things? That is how I act around the seasonal items at Trader Joe's.
I asked my wife to get better about communicating her feelings, so she started making regular adjustments to my life insurance coverage.
When I get angry, I turn green and burst out of my clothes like the character in that movie. Flubber.
Frugal church seeks organ donor.
A friend told me he was about to come into a large sum of money, and I asked, “What ever happened to socks?”
“No one can take away your master’s degree” she reassured herself while looking up a word from her first grader's schoolwork.
When we’re not looking, there’s a strong chance that dogs do a few sneaky push-ups.
In today’s market, there’s no way the average picture is still worth a thousand words.
Every few times I go to the dentist I give him a good bite while his fingers are in my mouth, just so he knows not to mess around in there.
Sometimes I like to give myself pump up talks on Sunday nights as a reminder that the only thing I can control is not bringing a positive attitude to work.
I often wish an intruder would break into my home at night because maybe HE will take my Spider-Man pajamas seriously.
I went to Davidson College. I was… I always forget the difference between Magna Cum Laude and Summa Cum Laude. Anyway, I was neither.
RIP Henry VIII, you would’ve loved Fruit Ninja.
Studying Bantu languages is tough at first, but eventually it just clicks.
I’m trying to sketch a bullet, but I keep drawing a blank.
No matter how well read you are, there’s always someone weller read.
I love painting houses, but I hate property damage misdemeanors.
It's kind of amazing how many words you can get out of the letters W, H, and O. Think about it: There's “who,” of course. There's “how.” Ah, maybe it's just two.
I’m the Michael Jordan of softly saying “okay” to myself 75+ times per day.
I’m going to run for mayor not because I want to get into politics or help my community, I just love cutting ribbons with giant novelty scissors.
I don't understand oat milk. I've never met an oat with tits.
Spokane word poetry is really big in Washington.
The most important thing Brad learned at veterinary clown college was never to vaccinate the balloon animals.
My willingness to use words I don't know is truly plaintiff.
Calculus left me with emotional scars, but not the tools to calculate their surface area.
Anthropologists believe Bigfoot will remain hidden until he has finished his screenplay.
My wife longed to hear the patter of tiny feet around the house, so I canceled our pest control service.
I was listening to a news story on the radio about a family whose house had burned down and they lost everything, and I started to cry because I realized I’m now that person who listens to radio.
It's crazy how divided this world has become since Pangea.
If there's one thing I've learned about reaching for the stars, it's that famous people don't like to be grabbed.
If you live in Houston long enough people start calling you “Tex.” I've lived in Chicago long enough that even my therapist calls me “Ill.”
— Phil Healy, @phealings
I love the Admiral’s Feast at Red Lobster, but I’ll never order the Ensign’s Expired Eel again.
Happy National Stalker Day to those who observe.
I don’t usually think robots are capable of true evil, but sometimes when I’m waving my hand frantically trying to get a paper towel dispenser to work, I can almost hear it saying “dance for it, stupid girl!”
Try our new plant-based burgers. Based on the incredibly true story of plants.
People say they “summer” or even “winter” places, but never “fall.” “I fall in Delaware.” I think that means you live there.
My personal trainer told me I’m an egomaniac pessimist with deep delusions of grandeur and a pattern of subconscious self-deception. So I’m thinking about getting an emotionally estranged trainer.
I bet if instead of killing yourself you could turn yourself into a turtle, there'd be a lot less suicide and a lot more turtles.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Repeat offenders are the worst.
Am I okay? The short answer: no. The long answer: noooooooo.
“Easy like Sunday morning,” she muttered to herself, tweezing another Lego from the tub drain.
You have a variety of choices at Walmart when it comes to American singles—except the ones locked inside the trailer.
What is the difference between a poet and a CEO? A poet uses words and a CEO uses people.
Honestly, “good and evil” seems like, if it’s that extreme, should be “GREAT and evil.”
I started writing notes to self, but I gave up because I never wrote back.
I don’t believe in ghosts, which is why I never lend them money.
“Not all who wander are lost” is a beautiful quote, but not so reassuring to hear from Google Maps.
That moment at the dentist when you forget what the suction thing is called and ask for “Mr. Thirsty.”
I'm officially moving all of my hours from Daylight Savings to Daylight Checking and spending time like there's no tomorrow.
I can be spontaneous, given enough notice.
Which book about decision making should I read first?
The hordes of out-of-towners who descended upon Walden Pond were told that the Thoreau Fair was a stone’s throw from the thoroughfare.
Your porn name is the first and last name you used to pay your way through college.
It’s not our ability to love that makes us human… it’s our ability to select all the pictures that don’t contain a car.
I will be retiring soon and living on a fixed income, which is great, because I've been on a broken one for years.
All dating is carbon dating.
*Me after a breakup in 4th grade*
“Is it better to have like-liked and lost? Or to have never like-liked at all?”
STREET SMARTS
Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
Never bring a fork to a knife fight.
Never bring a spoon to a fork fight.
Never bring a whisk to a spoon fight.
Never bring an egg to a whisk fight.
Never bring a grape to an egg fight.
If you want to make sure another person loves you back, try picking a flower with an odd number of petals.
It has long been said that he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword, and he who does lifelike impressions of a bad Italian chef shall die by blunt-force tortellini.
My favorite part about coffee is not hearing where the beans came from.
I grew up in a pretty conservative household. Like, for example, when I lost a tooth as a kid, I’d put it under my pillow and wake up with it back in my mouth.
Next time you use a bidet, do it blindfolded. It’s like a VR waterslide.
Unguided Meditation Narrator: Uh, okay now open your eyes because we're lost.
He died how he lived: absolutely slamming expired Capri Suns.
I’m a mnmlst.
Weed lets you live in the moment but only because you can’t remember what happened two seconds ago and because weed lets you live in the moment but only because you can’t remember what happened two seconds ago because weed lets you live in the–
The brain surgery industry seems biased towards elitists with medical degrees.
Welcome to my EDtalk. My name is Ed, and I'll be speaking to you about what I consider valid and invalid nicknames for Edward.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” has never had their head impaled by a javelin.
— Corey Pajka, @CPajka
A small centaur can have two ponytails.
I’m “eh” sexual, which means I’m only attracted to Canadians.
My therapist told me that OCD is one of the top ten most debilitating disorders. Since I'm competitive I wanted to know why we're not number one. How can I get our stats up? Is there a March Madness for mental illnesses that I don't know about?
Between texting and calling, I prefer showing up at your door to see the look on your face when you tell me you’re not home.
When my uncle died, we bought the casket from IKEA. The funeral took all weekend.
Every kitchen knife I own is dull, and my forks aren't very interesting either.
If my walls could talk they would say, “go outside!”
Number one tip from medieval writers: avoid the plague like you do clichés.
Skittles: Taste the rainbow. Caress the rainbow. Fall madly in love with the rainbow. Move in with the rainbow. Argue with the rainbow. Forgive the rainbow. Discover the rainbow has ties to the Mob. Forgive the rainbow. Avenge the rainbow.
When I die I want to be buried at sea, because it seems like a big headache for everyone involved.
My ex-boyfriend was way ahead of everybody in preparation for this pandemic, because he was already unemployed and living with his parents.
You know what’s weird? The misspelling of wired.
“Nice zombie costume!” the kids at Halloween exclaimed as I opened the door in my usual work-from-home clothes.
People asked me how I got my hands on my Grandma's wealth when she passed away and I told them “where there's a will, there's a way.”
Why don't we fight rising sea levels by raising sky levels?
I’ve considered working at a new company. I’ve even considered working at my current company.
I don't know why people knock The Pull-Out Method. It's worked for my family for generations.
I’ve been a cereal stocker for a while at my local grocery store. The pay is okay, but it makes for a terrible introduction when I go on first dates.
“You suck!” screamed Roger, leaving Eusuk the vampire to wonder whether Roger was referring to his name, his nature, or the fact that he had just missed a relatively easy penalty kick.
It’s a shame that the cave people could travel across the ocean millions of years ago for free using a simple ice bridge, yet today we spend millions on air travel.
We're experiencing a national coin shortage. It doesn't make any sense. How are activists supposed to make any change?
— Susan Sassi, @sassers_
“Polar opposites” is a term we use to describe two identical frozen wastelands.
— Dan Price, @danpriceink
When I look at those drawings where right-brained people see a horse, and left-brained people see a penguin, all I see is an artist that needs to change careers.
— Rick Post, @RickPostCo
“Climb ev’ry mountain. Ford every stream. Do it with REI.” -Maria Von Trapp, Instagram influencer
Texting friends at 20: DUDEEES LET'S STAY UP ALL NIGHT TO WATCH THE BATMAN TRILOGY
Texting friends at 25: To whom it may concern, I am available to watch the first hour of The Dark Knight from 8-9pm, but have a hard stop at 9 for “Bedtime.” Thx
Sure, eat the rich if you want… but it sort of seems like an unnecessary extra step.
Groundhog Day means six more weeks of winter. Ground Beef Week means we’re eating like kings.
Holy crap! Who is that? I thought you asked if I wanted to see a dad body.
*Sees empty skyscraper* I can fix him.
“Snitches Get Stitches” wasn't Doctor Seuss's best work, but it was certainly his most memorable.
I really need to stop spelling “Colledge” with a “D”. Looks bad on my resume.
If you've ever used the word “heretofore” in conversation, you've purchased something from a haberdashery.
Sorry for my smelling mistakes.
Paper is just tree jerky.
How come we can DRIVE on a PARKway but I can’t PARK my ASS in your HOT tub just because I don’t LIVE here or KNOW you?
My therapist is writing a book about narcissism, and I'm pretty sure the whole thing is about me.
Gamblers: Read ‘em and weep
Gardeners: Weed ‘em and reap
It's fitting that I never learned how to correctly spell “self-sabatogue.”
I’m a donkey and my pronouns are hee/haw.
Some of you have never searched for Atlantis and it really shows.
— Dylan Wain, @ZTohbar
If you're happy and you know it overthink it until you're not sure anymore.
My favorite part of a nutritious breakfast is sleeping right through it.
Zoom meetings are just modern séances. “Hello? Is anybody there? Joe, are you with us?”
Knock-knock jokes are for the child, knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock jokes are for the octopus.
In the joke, “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!” the chicken did intend to do so, but unfortunately met a car and crossed over to the “other” side.
The dentist wanted to know if my teeth hurt, so I bit him.
Technically they’re not free weights if they’re trapped in a gym.
Two’s company, three’s a crowd, and four’s just enough to get my cult off the ground.
I have a face only a mother could push through a vagina.
— Mark Peters, @wordlust
Flashers don’t get paid. They just do it for the exposure.
I don't know who needs to hear this right now, which is why I'm shouting it as loud as possible inside this Chipotle.
How to Get Away With Murder? First, I'd probably pick a different name for your show.
Without my memory, who am I?
I don't have what it takes to be a kleptomaniac.
— Jon Aron
My friend lost his hearing and now he’s worried that he won’t be able to find a spouse. He’s afraid there’s no wife after deaf.
A good dance instructor would convince NASA to adopt an up-count…
Scam alert: A salon sold me a pricey shampoo for thinning hair, which has only made it thicker.
Transfers of power more peaceful than the 2020 US presidential election: Steve Harvey announcing Miss Universe; when my dad asks my mom what's for dinner and she says, “I don't know, what’d you make?”; Soon Yi going from daughter to wife.
My sister can say Hugh Grant looks hot in Love Actually, but as soon as I say I want to make out with The Grinch, all of the sudden there's a problem.
Male seahorses are the ones that give birth and I'll bet they never shut the fuck up about it.
I recently joined a dating site. Turns out women find me utterly resistible.
The Little Engine That Could, Thought it Couldn't, Got Inspired, Second Guessed Itself, Tried a Little, Then Got on Instagram and Forgot All About It
I’d prefer to die in quicksand than slow sand.
Here at the National Weather Service, we pride ourselves on accuracy, which is why at any given moment at any given weather station we have a man licking his finger and holding it in the air.
What's the punctuation you're supposed to use to end a statement? No that's not it
“You’re an old soul” is a very polite way to say “you’re not fun to be around.”
Just For Men’s “Touch of Gray” is honestly a lot worse than the other Fifty Shades books.
They tell me I shouldn’t eat so much red meat because of how it disrupts everyone else at church.
Now that my eye infection is gone, I have a nfecton.
My knowledge of Greek history is my Archimedes heel.
“Toaster” is a cute name for a bread torturing device.