Look, I’ll be the first to admit, it’s a cold, hard world. Life is a struggle, consciousness is both pretty dope and pretty cruel, and humanity is on the whole different from everything else. I mean, I don’t want to get lunch with the ontological entity that can’t even conceive of itself. So, we self-aware humans band together in kinship, in community, to experience the beauty and turmoil of existence together, y’know, with each other. That’s why it pains me to have to deliver the news to you that we all sat down and kinda agreed you aren’t included.
Before you get all hot and bothered, remember, don’t shoot the messenger. I, as a humble representative for the totality of human ontology, am not the only one weighing in here. Buddy, if it was up to me, I’d let you in our little group pow-wow. But, my metaphysical hands are tied. It’s up to the collective hearts and minds of all that have been, that are, and that have yet to be. I mean, can you even comprehend the literally infinite supermass of souls, all melded together in a sort of primordial soup, that are in unison on this?
You can’t? Yeah, I figured.
You are human, for better or worse. But you are also not quite our preferred kind of human. Uh shit, that came out wrong. It isn’t a race thing or anything like that. As 99.999999998% of all humans, we represent a diverse group of people across all spectra of color, gender, sexuality, and dimensional evolution. It’s hard to discriminate based on physical form when everyone past the 42nd century exists outside your own feeble conception of space-time.
To be frank, this is only like the third time this has or will happen. It’s you, the guy who eventually invents credit scores for dogs, and Fatty Arbuckle. It’s not personal, we just don’t like you. Personally. No, that’s not right, either. Unique, yeah, that’s it, let’s say you are unique.
Woah, woah, wait just a minute. I am not saying you aren’t deserving of this innate respect, derived from the ephemeral essence of your very being. I’m just saying we as a cumulative spirit are kinda at emotional capacity right now.
Go off king! You are worthy, you are deserving, you are entitled to the very same facets of dignity as others but from like another group you fit into better. All things said we do want the best for you and hope someone else can provide it.
What could have been the case for your exclusion? Fair question, where to start? Let’s see, there was that time in the first grade you took two toy cars from the prize bin in Ms. Kristy’s class. Just saying, you did a good, not great, job cleaning the whiteboard so really only one car was justified. Or there was the time you accidentally stomped your neighbor’s flowerbed playing tag. And don’t get me started on the underage drinking… not cool.
Ok, ok, ok, yeah that’s all pretty weak reasoning. I don’t really know how to explain it, but we all just don’t like your vibe. All things considered, you’re pretty normal but like just a few things are a no-go. For one, you sleep in jeans. Who does that? Perhaps its the fact that the quantum particles that comprise your substance have been corrupted by dark matter, rendering our union catastrophic for the universe itself.
Also, you listen to ska too which is pretty lame all things considered.
Looks pretty dire, huh? Well, I don’t want to leave you hanging so here’s a few pointers. Have you tried working on yourself, maybe focusing on your career for the time being? Or even hitting the gym and putting on some lean mass? Sure, all activities are distractions until entropy and chaos reign supreme and the above won’t really change the general unworthiness of your monads, but it may help to pass the time!
Have you tried bird watching?
Oh, yeah, and don’t forget therapy. Again full disclosure, your therapist is with us on this one too. I know, I know, he regularly tells you your feelings of unworthiness stem from your childhood but hey even a broken clock is wrong most of the time. I kid! Seriously though, therapists are right when it comes to this stuff, usually, but in this case, your mind is astonishingly attuned to your own very nature. Can’t really help with that.
All else considered, we are open to reconsidering your case in four aeons, that is, the time it takes for the Earth to fester, the stars to dissolve into the nebulae from whence they came, the galaxies to plunge into an eternal darkness.
Remember though, it’s not about us, we are fine. It’s about you. It’s a numbers thing, do you really think humanity as a whole is wrong? Or, are you wrong? A guy who ate a grape that was on the ground for one whole minute.
But hey, the upside is that instead of experiencing the warm embrace of humanity’s acceptance upon death, you’ll sink into the void of non-existence! You do like naps, right?