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One day, this kingdom will be yours! Step inside and behold the glory of ESPN, Spike TV, and Gladiator, playing on a constant loop in 1080p! Sink into this Lay-Z-Boy recliner, and admire the fine leather. Six bulls sacrificed themselves so that you could sit upon this mighty throne and scratch your ass! Read More »
Everyone loves a good game of Clue. The mystery, the subterfuge, the cunning...it has all the trappings of a classic. But where does it rank in terms of realism? To test this, I killed six different people, each with a different weapon, in various rooms of an old gilded age mansion I rented. Read More »
I blame E.L James for this. Her and her "Oh, let's use this toy on you, Ana. It will be fun, Ana" from her book. It did sound like fun and eventually I found myself at a store that sold that kind of "fun." I really should have gone with some girlfriends and not alone. Read More »
Most of my mornings don't differ too drastically from other mornings. I never forget to feed the dogs. I never forget to set the alarm. And I'm almost never threatened to be smacked in the fucking face by morbidly old men. This morning, however, was a little different than most. Read More »
Gary, I've called you into HR today not because at 6pm last night you defecated onto Mr. Peters' desk, but because you clearly didn't even make an attempt to wash your hands afterward. Read More »
Where are you? I've called your cell a dozen times and no answer. Found out I'm in Heaven. I talked to one of God's admins and he said just post your picture on the "cloud" and I thought the cloud was like that Internet thing. He really meant a cloud; it's white and puffy and they actually have one set aside for missing persons. Read More »
All the best.
Beh. Read More »
What are you looking for in a contestant?
There's no one formula for love. That being said, we're looking for naturally or surgically beautiful women in the IQ range of 70-89 with oblique abdominals that can crack a pistachio (please illustrate this in your casting tape). Read More »
One has many obstacles to surmount when constructing the proper peanut butter (PB) and jelly (J) sandwich. The entire process is fraught with peril and risk to one's own safety and emotional well-being. As a result, this guide has been produced to assist the intrepid sandwich artist as he or she approaches this daunting task. Read More »
When I first started the Orange County Suck & Fuck seventeen years ago in the back of my Jeep Grand Cherokee, I wasn't thinking about the politics. My focus is, and always has been, on the quality of the Sucking and Fucking presented. Read More »
"I'll give you my cheeseburger, when you pry it from my cold [due to poor circulation] dead [likely from a heart attack] hands!" Read More »
I read an article the other day. No, I listened to an interview on the radio the other day. It was about a new study being done to understand why a certain sect of monks in Thailand, or maybe it was Taiwan—I don't think it was Tibet—are suffering from obesity at an alarming rate. Read More »
In recent weeks, I've heard the term "mansplaining" used quite frequently, aggravating me to no end. What can one do when legitimately tasked with explaining an abstract concept to a woman of demonstrably inferior intelligence? Read More »
Breaking up with someone can be extremely painful—I should know, I watched it happen on TV once. When two people fall in love, they build their lives, hopes, and dreams around one another. Read More »
They discontinued the electric chair in Florida because they said it wasn't safe. It was called "Old Sparky" a cute cuddly Dalmatian of a name. They said it was cruel and unusual punishment because when they strapped someone to it, the head caught fire. Sounds like it was doing the job to me. Read More »