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Attending a one-camera shoot on location somewhere between your pancreas and what's left of your dignity can present social challenges rarely encountered in the course of even the fullest life on the grandest of stages. Read More »
The unthinkable happened. I no longer enjoy your hickory advice on a potted 401k. Remember the laughs to help you push through your hump day. Read More »
Your job this year is to ruin Thanksgiving for everybody. Here are three simple steps to accomplish that.
Complain about the size of the turkey, that it's either too big or too small or looks gross. Read More »
It's difficult to go an entire day without coming across a Progressive Insurance advertisement and subsequently, their spokesperson; a chipper young lass by the name of Flo. Television spots, full page magazine ads, website banners, radio...she's everywhere! And, as a male, I am biologically obligated to mentally have sex with her. How would it go? What would it be like? Read More »
I believe there are two groups of people: those who are naturally awesome at everything they try, and those who are awesome, but struggle to achieve even a fraction of what the other lucky bastards achieve without lifting a finger. The former consists of The Most Interesting Man in the World, Ridiculously Photogenic Guy, and Morgan Freeman. The latter is the rest of us. Read More »
It's not really beyond any sort of doubt that the number of people in the world is growing. And despite the seemingly enormous amount of space on Earth—I mean, I can stretch my arms out both ways and everything—there is an awful lot of talk about the fact that there are just too many fucking humans here. Read More »
Thanksgiving is often the forgotten holiday. Maybe because it's sandwiched between Satan and Jesus's birthdays. Or maybe because it's on some weird Thursday that nobody knows about unless they buy a calendar or Google it. Read More »
A profile picture is your Internet face. And, just like your real face, it will be severely critiqued by every person who sees it, so it's important to get it right. Remember, even if your real face isn't great, there's no reason your Internet face can't be.
The Mirror Pic Read More »
Can you hear my heaving grunts? Can you feel how slippery my body has become? Don't worry baby, I've got more in the tank. Whether we're in a log cabin, an apartment, or in your incoming nephew's nursery, I can keep the love train rolling. But the truth is, this is more than sex to me. I just want to flop around on you for a while. Read More »
ATTENTION WESTWOOD HIGH STUDENTS!!
I DID IT! I've created fame. I've bottled greatness. I've put a stopper on death. Okay, maybe not that last one. But I HAVE climbed the unclimbable Everest of viral domination.
That's right, I have SEVEN THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED TWITTER FOLLOWERS! Read More »
If you enjoy having sex with girls (or "women" as the older ones like to be called), you will increase your chances of getting laid if you keep the following 10 things in mind.
1. Give her flowers. Read More »
So you shaved the sides of your head and you dyed the top of your head purple. Congratulations, you are now different! And luckily for you, you're now going to have the love life and popularity you've dreamed of. Now, your biggest worry will be stalkers, people sending you their body parts, and jealous assholes trying to send you anthrax. You are now...officially...hot. Good for you, Miley wannabes. Read More »
Do you really care about making money writing blogs? Or are you mostly into the joy of writing them, the pure artistic experience and then getting published instantaneously for the world to see? You have to soul search about this. Read More »
For years, you've been boring the balls off of whoever was unlucky enough to share your table in the office cafeteria, talking about your "penchant for early Indian civilization" (is that even a thing?). Read More »
Uber provides a simple, reliable way to pay top dollar to be kidnapped by a serial rapist. Let any bloke off the street pick you up, throw you in his basement, cover your face in masking tape, and suppress your screams as he sodomizes you ad nauseam. Oh, and for the privilege of having your dignity stripped, you can count on Uber to automatically include a 20% gratuity. Read More »