When I was 13 or 14, my mom took me on a weekend trip to go back-to-school shopping and have guided discussions about sexual purity from a man on a cassette tape that read from the Bible and explained things like how boys like girls with large round breasts and why we feel funny urges in our private parts. Read More »

Ordinary People, Dances with Wolves, Forrest Gump—we've all sat with disappointment on Oscar night as the wrong picture ends up with the Best Picture piece of gold. It's not something that would easily be fixed by shaking up those who cast the votes for the Academy. Read More »

Two weekends ago, at a friend's party, I found myself in the middle of several awkward moments involving a very unattractive man. From the moment he screamed, "Hey redhead! What's yo name, redhead?!" I knew it was fate. I knew I was not going to be able to escape. After several attempts to catch my name, he tried to woo me by making very low pterodactyl noises an inch from my face. Read More »

Ahh Halloween. I love it so much. The only night of the year where girls can go out in the outfits usually reserved only for the bedroom. Outfits that if parents even knew they owned would cause mothers everywhere to sob uncontrollably and fathers' heads to explode and rain down upon the ground in a flurry of rage and where-did-I-go-wrong shock. Read More »

Top 5 Sexiest Female Vampires
By Andrei Trostel

Nothing says Happy Halloween like sultry vampiric vixens. Us straight guys really only watch vampire movies and shows for one of two reasons: the occasional scantily clad hottie, dressed in all black, that you know for a fact will ravage you and suck you dry without giving it a second thought; or the idea of actually being an eternally young, hot, powerful vampire yourself and seducing, taking and having whatever woman you desire, who is left powerless simply by the superior strength of your mind. Read More »

I Eat My Pringles with a Fork

I eat my Pringles with a fork
...I don't know why I do it.
The crisp is broken straight away,
The fork just goes right through it.

Most people pick their Pringles up
And simply guide them in
But mine, they fly all over town
And hit me in the chin. Read More »

Every man is asked to do it at least once. It is easily the most degrading job in the world, but as a man you are obligated to take it. It can be like a Band-Aid and ripped off quickly with minimal pain, or it can be like an all-expense paid trip to Gitmo. What is this retched and thankless job you ask? Read More »

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as "Hopscotch: The Knee-Buckling Killer" and "Betty, God and You: A Love Triangle Built on Fear."

I'm here today to tell you a little bit about the okays and not okays of internet dating. Read More »

I've heard the question asked too many times to count: "Why do the assholes always get hot chicks?" I definitely wouldn't consider myself the token hot chick, but I once walked into ProCopy wearing a bumming-around-in-sweatpants type outfit and caught one of the college age employees rating me an 8 to another employee. Read More »

Dear Evolution,

I know we've been through a lot together, from slime to monkeys to Canadians to humans, but I still have a few gripes to settle with you.

1. First of all, if we just need to have them taken out, why the fuck did you give us wisdom teeth? Shouldn't they have evolutionized their way out of our DNA by now? Read More »

Hey Dude,

As you know, I'm entering the third week of my internship at this office and so far things have been great—everyone has been polite and my boss isn't as big a dick as I originally thought. If I had to complain about one thing though, I guess it would be you. Read More »

Justin Timberlake has just been cast in a new movie called The Social Network, a look at the invention and rise of Facebook. The problem is, it's a little early to pen the history of something that's only 10 years old. Read More »

Hate mail to YOU.

You.

Yes, you.

You, sitting there listening to Linkin Park blasting through your iPod (the newest one of course, equipped with internet, video player, camera album, coffee maker and toilet paper dispenser—oh, and it plays music, too), texting your IM buddy off your touch screen 23MP camera phone with a 360-degree rotating screen. You, trying to find witty phrases for your Facebook status updates, then paraphrasing and Googling them to make sure no one will find out that you didn't make them up. Read More »

"Why don't you say you love me?"

"Why don't you let me piss up your ass?"

That conversation precipitated:

1. A slap of such epic proportions the shockwaves it caused may well have caused Hurricane Katrina. Read More »

Recently, while trying to overcome writer's block, I asked my friend Johnny to give me three random words that I would use to write a story about. The words he chose were vaginal, waterfall, and Jesus. This is what emerged.

"Another Long Island?" Read More »