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Tom Guthrie's picture

Welcome to Tonight's Mayan Human Sacrifice!

Mayan human sacrifice

Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to tonight's Mayan Human Sacrifice!

I'm Shecky Quetzalcoatl and it's my honor to be your Master of Ceremonies.

And what a program we have planned! A terrified young virgin will be forcibly restrained while her heart is ripped, still beating, out of her chest, while she endures an unimaginably gruesome demise. Read More »

Charles Hartley's picture

Why the Beach Blows

Cat hates the beach

You step into the ocean. You wonder what insensitive, sociopathic creatures are swimming around your feet. Maybe a shark. Maybe minnows. Maybe horseshoe crabs. They're all scary. They can all do you harm. They don't care about you. They don't know you and would rather eat you than get to know you. This alone is disconcerting. Read More »

Lucas Gardner's picture

Rising Indie Band Seeking New Bandmate Who Interviews Well

Suave band member

We're an indie-pop band with folk-rock elements and we've been gaining a lot of traction lately. We've received a lot of positive buzz on various music blogs and have gotten booked on some festivals and as a result we've been doing a lot of press. We didn't realize this until we started doing interviews, but we are all incredibly nervous on camera. Read More »

Alena Dillon's picture

The Donald Trump Rap

Donald Trump with huge hair

After a series of ridiculous sound bites, Donald Trump gave me no choice but to compile his quotes into a rap (along with a few additions for transitions). It wasn't all that difficult to put together really; the nature of his language naturally lent itself to the arrogant tone of hip-hop. Read More »

David Thorp's picture

The Unavoidable Sexual Plight of Man: Would I Bang Her?

Man pondering with hand on face

Men are fraught with a psychological condition. An exhausting mental burden that is impossible to shake. The average Joe may appear to be contained on the outside, but on the inside he struggles with the cavalcade of sexual thoughts manifesting in his consciousness on a daily basis. Read More »

Kyle Bauer's picture

5 Valuable Tips for Incoming College Freshman Dudes

College freshman guy

High school graduates all over the country are gearing up for college and have no idea what to anticipate or expect. Move-in day is still a couple of months away, but the aroma of cargo shorts and freshly purchased lanyards is already filling the air, so I decided to deliver some of the most valuable, first-hand knowledge and advice I could think of for all the incoming freshmen dudes out there. Read More »

Tim Sullivan's picture

A Handy Guide to Omen-Based Investing

Crow as an omen for investing

Have you ever wanted to start playing the markets, but don't know where to start? Are you already investing and want to take your trading to the next level? Does it seem like investing is a full-time job, one you just can't fit in to your schedule? Read More »

Lucas Gardner's picture

An Oral History of My DIY Children's Party Venue

Young girl licks fork

Fed up with the corporate structures of the Chuck E. Cheese's and Putt-Putt Golfs of the world, promotor Lucas Gardner established Lucas' DIY Children's Playhouse in 2009. Gone but not nearly forgotten, the DIY Children's Playhouse brought children with new ideas—children who had grown weary of more mainstream children's party venues—together to celebrate their birthdays in a more "anything goes" environment, where do-it-yourself culture thrived. Read More »

Joseph R. Honescko's picture

What's That Noise Outside? I Should Have Bought a Gun

Man awake scared in bed on a pillow

There's a noise outside my house. Why would someone be outside? It's well past midnight.

Oh no...

Is someone breaking in? Is this what it feels like?

I should put some clothes on. This is terrifying. I hear voices. What do I have in here? How do I protect myself? There's a candle. I'll use that. Read More »

Nick Hilbourn's picture

Dear High School Class of 2015: Raptors Will Take Your Jobs

Velociraptor holding USA flag

Hello, graduates.

You're probably scared right now. I don't blame you. We live in an utterly horrific world. Every day, people are killed right in the middle of the street, their heads cut off and stuck on javelin poles. It's disgusting and it seems like Congress is just going to keep letting it happen because they're too concerned about Obamacare or transsexual people or Uber or whatever. Read More »

Alex von Sternberg's picture

The Biggest Threat to Marriage Equality is Apophis

Pride flag with blue sky

In a landmark decision yesterday, the United States Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples can marry nationwide, a move that many see as a cause to celebrate, and others see as a cause to bemoan. This is understandable, seeing as the topic of "gay marriage" has been in the political lexicon for nearly 30 years, with debates raging around policies such as the 1994 "Don't Ask Don't Tell" ruling (and its 2011 repeal) or the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996 causing quite a stir. Read More »

Jim Wesley's picture

Three Compelling Reasons Bigfoot is Real

Bigfoot Crossing sign

Bigfoot, a giant, ape-like man (that should actually be called Bigfeet because it's a biped), is real and I am going to give you three conclusive reasons why. This hippie-like monster of an ape has been cruising through the forests and mountains of North America for! Read More »

Jason Half-Pillow's picture

The Paris Review: Jason Half-Pillow, The Art of Fiction No. 501

The Paris Review text logo

Jason Half-Pillow has been published in countless literary magazines that few people have read, and no one has read cover to cover, including their editors. Despite never fully reading his material, the editors at these journals maintain a very picky standard regarding the quality of work selected to be published. Read More »

Charles Hartley's picture

Three Worthless Insights Worth Remembering

Erasing pencil

Here are three insights of use to no one...

1. Don't lie on the street and have a construction worker ride his jackhammer and drive the sharp-edged side into your forehead.

This is a useless insight on many levels. Read More »

Candice Lee Jones's picture

How to Know If You're a Preptard

Scared woman with newspaper and hands on her head sitting on a bench

Hi, my name is Candice, and I'm a preptard. ("Hi, Candice!") If you're unfamiliar with the term, allow me to educate you. A "preptard" is a person who loves to prepare for future events. I'm not talking about birthdays, holidays, or vacations; those scenarios are far too sane. Read More »

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