1. No matter how stocked the fridge is, I never want to eat anything in it.

This is simple: no matter what I want, no matter if I have it, I'd still rather eat out. I could have everything to make tacos, but I end up going to "El Monterrey" instead. I've never figured this out, but I've learned not to fight it. Read More »

When I graduated from college, I was a very confused person. They told me that since I was now educated in the Humanities, I had the broad picture of life. The theory was that, amid all those practical, near-sighted automatons who'd opted to attend technical school, I alone possessed sufficient vision to define the true parameters of man's social, moral, and ecological condition. Read More »

When people walk into the room I grew up in at home, they probably first notice it's blue. Or teal. Or 13F-4 Chesapeake Cove, the color between Bristol Bay Blue and Bay City Blue on the 413 color palette. And then, they'll notice flowers, everywhere. My duvet cover: flower-patterned. Read More »

Greetings, Ladies and Gentlemen.  

I cannot even describe how much of an honor it is that you have all decided to recognize my accomplishments this evening.  Read More »

On my list of the most difficult challenges I have ever faced, getting back in shape after an eight-month hiatus from the gym would rank way up there. I wouldn't say it's the hardest thing I've ever done—that would be ridiculous. Second hardest, though?
Absolutely. Read More »

1. Themed Parties

I have no problem with a Christmas party during Christmas, or a birthday party on your birthday...but sending out an invitation in the middle of April that reads, "Come join us for a Pirate Party, Nyarrrrr!" What the hell is that? Not that I'm saying I wouldn't want to drink a few beers wearing an eye patch, but are you fucking kidding me? This is why we have Halloween. Read More »

We all love our dogs. But we also know the very real, and very frightening issue of the growing communist threat. Our country's freedoms and ideals are a stake. The iron curtain is spreading into our cities, neighborhoods, and schools. Therefore, it is necessary to be concerned that your canine companion may be a Communist, without you being aware of it. Read More »

Summer will be over in a couple of months. And not a moment too soon. It feels like Earth has a GPS system, and someone programmed its destination to be the center of the sun. Let's do some recalculating! Read More »

Greetings,

My name is Mr. Bob.  I would like to welcome you and your child as we begin another exciting year here at "St. Bob's International School of Profoundly Deep Thinking and Spiritual Uprightness."  Just in case you're wondering, my name has nothing to do with the name of the school, it's just a coincidence.  I don't even know who the hell St. Bob really is.  I think he is located in our vault... I mean basement... I mean... there is a picture of him in our basement... hahaha. Read More »

I'm a rational enough person. I managed to graduate college with most of my vital organs still intact, I can hold down a steady job, I've never been beaten by the po-lice, and have been able to scrape by, so far, with few CNN-worthy acts of debauchery under my belt—Spring Break, no relation. Read More »

My friend Fi-Town's jobs have varied as much as a midget prostitute's clientele. In college we lived above a Hawaiian bar and restaurant and below drug dealers. We lived in a San Francisco flat that used to function as a whorehouse and, before us, as a ganja-growing den. Across the street, Trader Joe's radiated healthiness, two-dollar bottles of wine, and twenty-four dollar wine cases. Read More »

I'm never one to shy away from important, controversial subjects. So it's time for a look at the health issue that's caused the Grim Reaper to hire a tow truck: obesity.

A word of warning: if you're a fat person and you're offended by this article, I apologize—it's just a joke.... And if you don't accept my apology, I don't care—you'll never catch me! Read More »

1. A 650-page "do-it-yourself" book titled:

"HOW TO RE-ATTACH THE ERASER TO YOUR PENCIL IF IT FALLS OFF"

2. A self-help book titled:

"YOU'RE DRUNK RIGHT NOW...BUT IT'S PROBABLY SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT" Read More »

Belgium Diary Day 1: Ah, recycling, being ecological, what a great feeling it is to help take care of Mother Earth... I feel so glad to be doing my part to make the world a better place.

Belgium Diary Day 9: I wonder what I should do with this glass container... Maybe the blue garbage bag? No... yellow? No, that picture on there looks like it's saying no glass... Read More »

There are several things that Herr Hitler did which may seem a little overboard by many of us. But it is unfair of us to denounce his culinary habits over his penchant for lording it over much of 1940's Europe. Read More »