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Zach Buckner's picture

No, Really, This is Fate We've Been on the Same Subway Before

Girl staring on NYC subway G train

You remember me, right? We made eye contact on the G train two months ago. I was wearing my somewhat-ironic DARE shirt, and you were wearing something that wasn't a DARE shirt, but still somewhat ironic. I think the appropriate word is "kitsch." No bells ringing? Read More »

Luke Strickler's picture

Movie Reviews of John and Bethany's Sex Tape

Girl on sex tape with night vision

"I felt that the director didn't really know what to do here. The choice of night vision lighting was a bold move to pair with the found footage style, but he never really seemed to tap into the spirit of the film. Although it's clear there's certainly some raw talent here, it needs to be given a good spit shine. Also, rocking bod, Beth." Read More »

Janet Eve Josselyn's picture

10 Things to Post on Facebook If You're a Total Dick

Matrix data behind a shredded Facebook logo

Whether you're on Facebook or not, if you've ever spent any time reading what people post there, you're probably familiar with the 10 things that make them look like total dicks. Here's what you should avoid posting unless you want people to think there's something seriously wrong with you. Read More »

James McDuff's picture

A Halfords Bicycle Nightmare

Halfords storefront

In England we have a cycling and auto parts store called Halfords. It's kind of like a downsized Walmart meets a downsized Home Depot and combines their most useful products, but only gets the latter's customers. There are no Mexicans or blacks in Halfords, so it's an ideal place to drink your coffee if you're a racist. Read More »

Edward F. Kennedy's picture

My Introduction to YMCA Summer Camp and Adult Penises

Retro YMCA neon sign

The old man's penis looked like Santa Claus' nose poking through a grayish, bushy beard. All the old men's penises looked like that. These were the first adult penises I had ever seen, and as an 8-year-old, it scared me enough to make me feel uncomfortable changing in locker rooms for the rest of my life. Read More »

William Franklin's picture

An Ode to Being Fat

Fat and happy man holding a hamburger up to his eye

Everyone has their preferred charity or cause they like to support, and mine is being 33.3% beer and batter by volume. Since eating and drinking are subjects very close to my cholesterol-choked heart, when I'm not busy planning a suicide Jackie Chan would be proud of, neglecting my family and friends, and being generally awful, I like to meet my weekly exercise quota by waving goodbye to the Domino's delivery guy. Read More »

Isaiah Churchwater's picture

How to Write a Comedy Article on the Internet

Blue blumpkin sign - giving blowjob while guy takes a shit

There is an easy way to write comedy on the internet. Most of it involves putting witty captions on random pictures that have little to do with what you're actually writing about. And everyone loves a good list. Read More »

Dominic Coats's picture

Post-Game Press Conference for Game 1 of the Offensive Team Name Basketball Association Championship

OTNBA press conference

The Cleveland Noble Savages have just defeated the Jackson City Quadroons 116-110 in Game 1 of the Offensive Team Name Basketball Association (OTNBA) Championship Series. "No Shoes" Jackson, DeQwondarius the Magnificent, and Coach McCoacherson have taken their respective seats for questions. The following is the transcript from the Quadroons' post-game press conference. Read More »

Charles Hartley's picture

Your Five Empowering Halloween Imperatives

Punching a pumpkin in the face

1. Smash a pumpkin.

Get this out of the way first because it's messy. Buy a pumpkin about the size of a keg of beer. Bring it home. Go to your back patio. Throw it down hard. Watch it smash. Enjoy the thrill. Feel your strength. Study the seeds and slimy guts. Wonder if each of those seeds would have created another pumpkin had you not smashed it. Read More »

Adam Fishbein's picture

Where is Kim Jong-un? He's Living in My Basement

Kim Jong-un playing guitar

Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, hasn't been seen in public since September 3rd, his longest absence since he assumed control of the Democratic People's Republic in 2011. Oh sure, today's report will have you believe he recently emerged in public, but nobody's buying those undated photos. Read More »

Larry Ryals's picture

7 Reasons Every College Student Should Start Their Own Metal Band

Heavy metal band guy with long hair

If you're like me, you realize that college life, fun though it may be, does have its drawbacks. One of the greatest challenges for me was finding productive and enjoyable ways to spend the copious amounts of leisure time in between classes, labs, part-time work, partying, party aftermath-related complete relocation of stomach contents to bathroom floor while praying for sweet release of death, clubs, sports, and campus activities. Read More »

Michael Jenkins's picture

The Unappreciated, Aspiring Author Files an Auto Insurance Claim

Man holding toy car in his hands

Describe the time of day and weather at the time of the accident.

The afternoon sunlight burst through my windshield with a Machiavellian magnificence, creating streaks of golden radiance that danced through my careening automobile. Read More »

Jerry Landry's picture

How to Have Sex with Dolphins

Man licks a dolphin's nose

For years the modern man has been fascinated by the dolphin's purported ability to have sex for pleasure. And although this hypothesis is hotly debated, I contest that we have not been asking the right question. Like the typical millennials most of us are, we've been selfishly thinking only of ourselves. Read More »

Drake Ramora's picture

5 Reasons Why a Dictator's Life is Better Than Yours

Momar Qaddafi smiling with sunglasses on

Dictators rarely get good press. They're usually dismissed as madmen and delusional fools. This is probably a little unfair when you look at the facts. Sure you have to be a little ruthless and commit some inhumane acts to maintain the culture of fear and desperation that keeps you in power, but the positives outweigh the negatives, and it really is a mostly pleasant and charmed life. Read More »

Ben Sarat's picture

I am the Mysterious "6th Beatle"

The 6th Beatle with Paul McCartney

The world knows George, John, Ringo, Paul, and the apparent nine "5th Beatles." But they've also heard about the "6th Beatle." Well, allow me to introduce myself: I am the 6th Beatle. My name is Henry J. Bradleighman, and I was born on February 17th, 1939 in Dhaka, Bangladesh. Read More »

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