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Lucas Hubbard's picture

An Honest Spotify Commercial Interlude

Spotify commercial interlude

Want a break from the ads?

Stop listening.

You know how long you've been playing this same goddamn DJ? I know he calls himself an artist, but come on. It's Pitbull. His idea of creativity is ripping a chart-topper from the 80's and adding a drum beat to it. He's a hack. Read More »

Elisa Abatsis's picture

A Letter from Your Hangover

Hungover baby with sunglasses and knit cap

Darling,

I apologize for my delayed arrival. I was hoping to be there when you woke up. But instead I sauntered in around noon, right after you finished that third cup of coffee. I could see you getting that strange, fervent knot in your stomach as I approached. You weren't expecting me, and for that I'm sorry. I really am. Read More »

Kerreanna DiMauro's picture

Drunk Playlist Generator (Just Add Vodka)

Absolut Disco vodka bottle

What's in a name? More specifically, what's in a performer's name? My iPod is one massive mega-playlist filled with hand-picked rock theatrics and badass girl power, creatively categorized ONLY by the singer/band names. That's right, I've configured my playlist according to wordplay generated from wildly-named music artists. Aha! It's true. I do it. How could it be? Hear me out. Read More »

Luke Pohjala's picture

A Magician's Legal Defense

Magician lawyer in a courtroom with a deck of cards

The plaintiff can ask all the questions they please, but I must apologize because I may not be able to answer every one of them. You see, I am a magician, and as we all know a magician never reveals his secret. I may be under oath here in this courtroom, but thirty years ago I took a much higher oath at Harry Houdini University, and I have no intentions of breaking that oath for another. Read More »

Charles Hartley's picture

Michael Phelps to Marry 19 Beauty Queens to Break Gold Medal Record

Michael Phelps with Miss California beauty queen

Even by homo sapien standards, Secretariat was a great athlete. Yes, he was a horse, but still. Recently I spoke with the 1973 Triple Crown winner. I sought his opinion on who he thought were the five greatest athletes of all-time. Read More »

Dustin Petzold's picture

Compounding Word Problems

Blonde woman grabbing her hair and pulling it out

Dave and his wife Janine have $0 in their primary savings account. At an interest rate of 0.05%, compounded quarterly, how much money will Dave and Janine save in a year?

Dave rates his self-confidence as a 4 out of 10. Janine tells Dave how ugly his new soul patch is, and his rating falls to a 2. By what percentage has Dave's self-confidence dropped? Read More »

Taylor Sade's picture

15 Green Objects Gearing Up For St. Patrick's Day

Green Statue of Liberty
  1. "St. Patrick's Day is basically our one day off a year. All year long we're changing colors, constantly trying to hide from others. On St. Patrick's Day we can walk the streets of, I don't know, let's just say New York, and simply be free. It's truly a blessed day for the faith of the Irish and the well-being of chameleons alike."
    -Chameleons
  2. Read More »
Luke Strickler's picture

Nine of Sherman's Lesser-Known Marches

William Sherman black white headshot

Sherman's March Back From the Sea

After a long, hearty march to end the war, Sherman and his men were disappointed, although understanding, of this equally long, less hearty march. Logically, they all knew it had to happen, but were still pretty bummed nonetheless.

Sherman's March Madness Read More »

Gary Williamson's picture

The King's Speech, Morale-Killing Edition

General Haggis is exhausted at Prince Percy's cock-blocking speech

On a medieval battlefield in Scotland. General Haggis rages before his army of ragtag Scottish men. He is a burly man with a grizzly beard. 

General Haggis: HOLY BLOODY PUSSIES!!! ARE YOU GUYS PISSED OFF?!

The Scotsmen: Aye! Read More »

Nick Hilbourn's picture

Driving Etiquette for the Future

Merecedes future car

Hello reader. Nick Hilbourn here. Like you, I'm a concerned driver. Like you, I abide by federal rules and regulations on the road when it doesn't interfere with my own personal freedom and liberty. Like you, I wrote a Marxist interpretation of the New York State Department's Driver's Handbook for my senior thesis (pending approval). Like you, I'm also highly upset by all the new stop signs they put up in town. It seems there's one at every intersection. Read More »

Peter Breining's picture

How Officer John McClane's Recklessness Nearly Ruined Our Family

John McClane reckless burning buildings

On Christmas Eve 1988, Heinrich Von Hagen, a 38-year old German-born vibrational spectroscopy specialist was gunned down by a police officer in Downtown Los Angeles. Read More »

Charles Hartley's picture

What If... Whatever

Question mark painted into lines on road

What if you could be anyone in the world starting now other than your cool self? Who would you want to be? Would it someone you are jealousy of? Desirous of? Confused by? Fixated on? What if you wanted to be me? That would be weird. What if I wanted to be you? Read More »

Paul Hardie's picture

Is Your Chicken Tired?

Chicken on a pillow

"You should always let your meat rest after it's been cooked," they say. That's what she said!

Last weekend, I pulled a golden brown free range chicken off the BBQ for our dinner guests and my wife said, "You can't cut it now. Leave it for a bit, it has to rest." Read More »

Tim Sullivan's picture

Dante's eFerno: The 9 Levels of Internet Hell for Social Media Sinners

Angel and Demon of the Internet

Listen up, you who have wandered from the straight and narrow of the internet: follow me and I will show you the hell that awaits those who misuse the great social networks. Heed my warnings, for the fate of these wretches will be your own if you do not cease your wicked ways. (Note: you won't find any cyber bullies or their ilk here. They get sent on to real hell. No one wants those jerks around.) Read More »

Steve Lewis's picture

The Cunt of Celebrity

Kim Kardashian cult of celebrity

It's difficult to argue a case for celebrities: why we need them, what good they do, and why we shouldn't rummage through their bins and sniff their dirty underwear. It seems that most people seem to loathe celebrities, when asked. Everyone has their own makeshift dartboard with some grinning bastard's photo covering the bull. Read More »

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