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Have you ever had a nightmare before? Do you often feel nervous before taking a really big exam in school that will determine your professional future? If you were in an old, dark house completely by yourself and you saw a large, vaporous entity progressing toward you at incredibly fast speed, would you become a bit frightened? Read More »
Ladies and gentlemen. Family, friends, and assorted cast, thank you for coming to this ceremony. But before I go any further, I figure I might as well start by asking if anyone has objections to this wedding, and to speak now or forever hold your peace...
Really? No one's finding this shit weird? You're all cool with what's happened this season? Read More »
It is difficult to distinguish yourself from the masses today. With 14 billion or so fellow human beings wandering this little blue planet, it is easy to be dismissed or ignored. You want to be seen as an individual, but there are thousands, if not tens of thousands of people out there just like you. So in this day and age, how are you supposed to get a job? Start your own business? Read More »
Monday starts like any other Monday for Carolyn: a dead antelope carcass in the bookcase, a vinyl Ludacris album skipping on the stereo, and a Rabbi reciting a fake Torah portion on The Jewish Channel. I nibble on some cold tomato soup as Carolyn emerges from her lair in the laundry room. She mutters something about a Beatles concert she went to in 2002 and then heads to the lavatory. Read More »
Laughter is an important part of everyone's lives. Can you remember the last time you laughed? What caused you to laugh? Who were you pointing at as you laughed? People all over the world laugh. Laughter, over math, is the preferred universal language. Laughter can break cultural barriers. I know this because every time I've vacationed in another country, the local people couldn't stop laughing at me. Seeing all those smiling faces made me feel as if I was still at home. Read More »
Hello absolutely everyone, and I do mean absolutely EVERYONE. My name is Nick Hilbourn, professional coffee taster and member of the world community. Over the past six months, I've received a lot of communication from my family asking questions like, "Where are you?" and, "I thought you went to Price Chopper to buy snack mix?" or the most frequent, "Where's my DEBIT CARD?" Read More »
When I was a teenager in the UK, I had no shortage of good advice directed my way about how I should live my life. Like many of my peers across the globe I was constantly told to "just say no" to drugs. There were an endless amount of reasons given for saying no, but the one I remember most was that consuming drugs would diminish my ambitions. Read More »
1. Keep a Nintendo DS in your burial outfit.
I've never been stuck in a human-sized box six feet under ground for all eternity before, but I'm assuming it gets super boring after a while, so playing Duke Nukem on a fully charged battery should kill about six of those lonely hours. Read More »
Vlad sat in his creative writing class thinking he had to be really creative. Not for this class, but for his father. Because he couldn't just come out and tell him. You don't tell Vlad the Impaler anything. Years ago his mother told his father there'd be no more marauding parties if he didn't clean the moat. Read More »
Stop the presses! We can't go to print yet! Andy, hit the pause button there, thanks. This latest issue is missing a description. No, not for the Himalayan Walking Shoes; that was a little late, but it was a hell of a thought-provoking article... good job, Benes. What we are missing here is the description for the Comfort Wipe. You know, that thing you use in the bathroom...you put toilet paper on one end and wipe...yeah, the Shit Stick. I'm missing the description for the Shit Stick. Where is it?? Read More »
1. Live in two cities.
Although it can seem daunting to have to pay for two houses, it is crucial that on the back flap of your book, it says that you live in New York City and ___________ (choose a second, usually more rural location). Do not underestimate the importance of having two homes to being a writer, despite seeming to have nothing to do with telling a story. Do not ask why—go and do. Read More »
If you've been on the internet, Twitter, Vine, Instagram, or any type of social media this past summer, you've likely seen references to the smash single "Hot N***a" by Brooklyn-based rap artist Bobby Shmurda. It seems that this song became immensely popular almost overnight, thanks to the endless amount of Vines parodying it and its signature "Shmoney Dance." Read More »
You get a sixer of beer and a four pack of Red Bull. You head down to the "war room," whether it's your buddy's place, or a "home office" you hastily created between your TV and a dying house plant. You peel the seal on the cheese dip and open a bag of chips. The warm smell of dormant potato air breezes by. Read More »
Unless you're a member of the Church of Deep Fried Goodness, or from Scotland, it won't be much of a shock to find out that the listed items below can actually be subjected to the sizzles and fizzles of the fryer. Just to be clear, these listed items aren't bizarre in and of themselves, but it's fair to assume that adding them to the list of deep-fried foods is far from... normal. Read More »
Hey, how's it going? Been a while hasn't it? What, like a month today? Feels more like a year. But I don't want to drag on, so I'll just get right to the point. Read More »