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Ryan OCarolan's picture

How to Score Drugs in 7 Easy Steps

Whenever I write an article or post a video, I can usually expect to receive a fair bit of mail. One question that regularly crops up is, "What drugs are you on, and where can I get some?" While the answer to the first part of that question is fairly straightforward (a cocktail of whiskey, ketamine, and paprika), the second part really does deserve a more in-depth explanation. Read More »

Janet Eve Josselyn's picture

5 Reasons Why Your Parents Raised a Pussy

Your parents were born in the 20th century, which explains why they are old and why you are only half the man or woman they were at your age. Many of those parents were born before Xbox or hands-free headsets existed and before Al Gore invented the internet. So they had unlimited time to explore the world around them. Read More »

Walter Bowne's picture

Excerpt from J.K. Rowling's New Adult Book, "Barry Bowler and the Waltz of Dread"

"J.K. Rowling has signed a world English deal with Little, Brown, selling print, e-book, and audio rights to her first novel for adults. David Shelley, publisher of the Little, Brown Book Group in the U.K., will be editing the work, which is currently untitled; he brokered the deal with Neil Blair of the Blair Partnership. Rumors have surfaced that Little, Brown was given an exclusive on the work."
- Publisher's Weekly
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Wesley Jansen's picture

7 Things You Should Know Before You Graduate from College

WARNING: The following article is not intended for mature audiences. It is intended for college graduates and those pursuing their degree. It is poorly written, opinionated, immature, highly offensive, and unsupported by research. It lacks thematic unity, and it contains extremely bad transitions. Read More »

Eric Koeppel's picture

10 Less-Popular Relaxation Soundscapes

Look, I get it, it's nearly impossible to fall asleep in a world fueled by 5-hour Energy drinks, Java Monsters, and Dewskis. But what are you gonna do? Stop drinking them?! Get real, man. What you need is one of those sweet relaxation soundscapes that your step-mom plays at her massage studio. Read More »

Michael Jenkins's picture

As a Clairvoyant, I am Able to— Hey, Where're You Going?

Hello, I can sense that there is something troubling you. It feels to me like there is a gaping hole in your family life. Did you lose someone close to you in the past few years? I can feel your sense of loss and I would like to tell you that everything is going to be okay. How do I know this? Well, it's simple: as a clairvoyant, I am able to— hey, where're you going? Read More »

Adam Fishbein's picture

A Birthday Coup D'Etat: Prince George of Cambridge Turns 1

Prince George wakes up very early on the morning of his first birthday. Unlike other royal babies, he is not shy about his desire to rule. He cries until his nanny rushes over and picks him up from the crib. Read More »

Mark Loper's picture

The Boy Who Cried Fuck

The boy did like to party. He went out every night of the week, and if he wasn't hanging out with his friends he was out dancing, drinking, or maybe going to a basketball game. Read More »

Chad Russell's picture

The Great Outdoors with Jesus Christ and Friends, Episode 2

« Back to Episode 1

I hate fishing with Jesus. Well, I abhor fishing anyway, but you'd imagine fishing with JESUS would be a good time. Not so. Lately, He's got this self-imposed restriction against using miracles during recreational activities. Read More »

Jerry Landry's picture

Goodbye Old Friend: An Open Letter to Khaki Shorts

Dear friend,

Remember those casual parties we attended during the gentle days of summer? Those cookouts? The golf scrambles? Those ballgames? Remember how orderly you made me look last Fourth of July on that rooftop?

Grand times, friend. Read More »

Drake Ramora's picture

How Anilingus Can Cure the Obesity Epidemic

There is currently a massive obesity epidemic spreading throughout the Western world. Well, I say "the Western world," but it's really only the Anglo countries of the Western world: Britain, Ireland, Australia, and the USA. So why is obesity not spreading through France, Germany, Spain and Italy? They have Coca-Cola. They have McDonald's. So what's going on? Read More »

Michael Jenkins's picture

You are Cordially Invited to the Anderson Monthly Neighborhood Orgy!

Greetings and salutations, folks! Larry and Mary Anderson here, wishing you a happy month of August. If you are receiving this letter, then you know what that means: the monthly neighborhood orgy is right around the corner and we would like to see you there! Read More »

Ryan OCarolan's picture

A Teacher's Guide to Shooting Students

A year ago, South Dakota became the first state in the USA to create a law specifically permitting teachers to carry guns into schools, and several states now have similar policies in specific school districts. Read More »

Matthew Chard's picture

Batman and Robin Debate Comic Con's Top 10 Moments

Batman and Robin at Comic Con 2014 San Diego

San Diego Comic Con 2014 has come and gone, thus marking another successful year for the world's largest pop culture (read: nerdy) expo. As always, the event was a mixture of highs and lows. We saw some great films of the future being teased, as well as plenty of five-hour line-ups, over-priced merchandise, and 400-pound men dressed as characters from My Little Pony. Read More »

Nick Hilbourn's picture

A Financial Approach to Having Sex as Quickly as Possible

Hi, Nick Hilbourn here, financial and sexual consultant. When I first had business cards printed that expressed these two (supposedly) estranged topics, I usually heard astonishment at my expertise in two very "different" fields. (I should note that the person asking the question did not put quotation marks around "different," I did.) Read More »

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