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I was sitting nervously in Stephane Colbert's cavernous rumpus room. A portly man spilling out of a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader's outfit waddled to the podium by the fireplace and began speaking.
"Welcome, everyone, to the North Jersey Chapter of Assholes Anonymous." Read More »
Soon after people graduate from college, seasoned professionals almost universally advise these young adults to "network." And by this they mean: get to know lots of people in various different industries and walks of life. Read More »
I returned home from a camping trip the other week to discover something horrifying: my male cat, Fry, was on his haunches, attempting to have sex with his sister, my female cat named Lorie. And she did not look happy. Read More »
The good cop/bad cop routine is a classic interrogation tactic used in every interrogation room in damn near every police precinct in the world. It's a simple psychological trick: the "bad cop" goes into the interrogation room and gives the suspect hell, taking a highly aggressive approach, making threats and accusations. Read More »
Most people aren't aware, but the majority of scientists are deeply corrupted by their associations with universities, colleges, governments, or dumbass rich ladies foundations. Whatever the foundation wants to hear, scientists will say. Same goes for your typical university tenure committee and the Federal Bureaucracy: if the Feds want sea lions to mate more feverishly when exposed to Bossa Nova, then that's what your report will say. Read More »
If you're not a seasoned veteran of the Twitter streets then some of these girls' tweets might be hard to decipher. After a few years of research and experiments, I have gradually turned into the Rosetta Stone of this Twitter shit. Let me start off with some basic translations for beginners.
"Someone come cuddle" Read More »
So you want to get your driver's license. You're excited to learn your hand positions of 10-and-2 and your parallel parking and your highway merging. And if you're like most everyone else, then you think learning all this is how you'll become a driver. Read More »
Our society is in desperate need of new curse words. Gone are the days when "fuck" was socially shocking, and my personal favorite curse phrase "god damn it" just doesn't seem to get the same rise out of people it once did. My generation has even started to use these words as sentence, as if they were the new "uh" or "um." Read More »
I don't understand golf.
I know, I'm male, so all my DNA should be pushing me towards lowering my golf score. Salmon go upstream, my golf score goes downstream. Plus I'm self-employed. Even more reason to get that club membership so I can do some deals over "tee" and crumpets. Read More »
Oh man, the first thing you're gonna need is a truck.
1. When selecting a truck, always remember the golden rule: the bigger, the better.
This rule will apply to almost everything we talk about, other than your tank top. Read More »
Social media has been exploding with outrage about the recent slaying of Cecil the Lion by an American dentist from Minnesota named Walt Palmer. Cecil the Lion was beloved in Zimbabwe; a celebrity of sorts in one of the nation's famous national parks where he was thought to be protected from poachers like Palmer. Read More »
Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to tonight's Mayan Human Sacrifice!
I'm Shecky Quetzalcoatl and it's my honor to be your Master of Ceremonies.
And what a program we have planned! A terrified young virgin will be forcibly restrained while her heart is ripped, still beating, out of her chest, while she endures an unimaginably gruesome demise. Read More »
You step into the ocean. You wonder what insensitive, sociopathic creatures are swimming around your feet. Maybe a shark. Maybe minnows. Maybe horseshoe crabs. They're all scary. They can all do you harm. They don't care about you. They don't know you and would rather eat you than get to know you. This alone is disconcerting. Read More »
We're an indie-pop band with folk-rock elements and we've been gaining a lot of traction lately. We've received a lot of positive buzz on various music blogs and have gotten booked on some festivals and as a result we've been doing a lot of press. We didn't realize this until we started doing interviews, but we are all incredibly nervous on camera. Read More »
After a series of ridiculous sound bites, Donald Trump gave me no choice but to compile his quotes into a rap (along with a few additions for transitions). It wasn't all that difficult to put together really; the nature of his language naturally lent itself to the arrogant tone of hip-hop. Read More »