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Lucas Gardner's picture

An Oral History of My DIY Children's Party Venue

Young girl licks fork

Fed up with the corporate structures of the Chuck E. Cheese's and Putt-Putt Golfs of the world, promotor Lucas Gardner established Lucas' DIY Children's Playhouse in 2009. Gone but not nearly forgotten, the DIY Children's Playhouse brought children with new ideas—children who had grown weary of more mainstream children's party venues—together to celebrate their birthdays in a more "anything goes" environment, where do-it-yourself culture thrived. Read More »

Joseph R. Honescko's picture

What's That Noise Outside? I Should Have Bought a Gun

Man awake scared in bed on a pillow

There's a noise outside my house. Why would someone be outside? It's well past midnight.

Oh no...

Is someone breaking in? Is this what it feels like?

I should put some clothes on. This is terrifying. I hear voices. What do I have in here? How do I protect myself? There's a candle. I'll use that. Read More »

Nick Hilbourn's picture

Dear High School Class of 2015: Raptors Will Take Your Jobs

Velociraptor holding USA flag

Hello, graduates.

You're probably scared right now. I don't blame you. We live in an utterly horrific world. Every day, people are killed right in the middle of the street, their heads cut off and stuck on javelin poles. It's disgusting and it seems like Congress is just going to keep letting it happen because they're too concerned about Obamacare or transsexual people or Uber or whatever. Read More »

Alex von Sternberg's picture

The Biggest Threat to Marriage Equality is Apophis

Pride flag with blue sky

In a landmark decision yesterday, the United States Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples can marry nationwide, a move that many see as a cause to celebrate, and others see as a cause to bemoan. This is understandable, seeing as the topic of "gay marriage" has been in the political lexicon for nearly 30 years, with debates raging around policies such as the 1994 "Don't Ask Don't Tell" ruling (and its 2011 repeal) or the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996 causing quite a stir. Read More »

Jim Wesley's picture

Three Compelling Reasons Bigfoot is Real

Bigfoot Crossing sign

Bigfoot, a giant, ape-like man (that should actually be called Bigfeet because it's a biped), is real and I am going to give you three conclusive reasons why. This hippie-like monster of an ape has been cruising through the forests and mountains of North America for! Read More »

Jason Half-Pillow's picture

The Paris Review: Jason Half-Pillow, The Art of Fiction No. 501

The Paris Review text logo

Jason Half-Pillow has been published in countless literary magazines that few people have read, and no one has read cover to cover, including their editors. Despite never fully reading his material, the editors at these journals maintain a very picky standard regarding the quality of work selected to be published. Read More »

Charles Hartley's picture

Three Worthless Insights Worth Remembering

Erasing pencil

Here are three insights of use to no one...

1. Don't lie on the street and have a construction worker ride his jackhammer and drive the sharp-edged side into your forehead.

This is a useless insight on many levels. Read More »

Candice Lee Jones's picture

How to Know If You're a Preptard

Scared woman with newspaper and hands on her head sitting on a bench

Hi, my name is Candice, and I'm a preptard. ("Hi, Candice!") If you're unfamiliar with the term, allow me to educate you. A "preptard" is a person who loves to prepare for future events. I'm not talking about birthdays, holidays, or vacations; those scenarios are far too sane. Read More »

Luke Strickler's picture

How Bad is the Entourage Movie? THIIIIIS BAD

As many people familiar with the Entourage franchise will know, the series focuses around the escapades of a movie star, his three friends, and his agent. However, what you may not know is that the quality of the Entourage movie is so low, it makes Citizen Kane look like a much better Citizen Kane. Read More »

Michael Reay's picture

An Open Letter to All the Ungrateful Animals I've Rescued

Crying squirrel in a tree

Dear Ungrateful Animals I've Rescued,

First let me say, I could have easily crushed you. At no time did you outwit me or save yourself. If I wanted to I could have passed you by and let nature take its course, but I didn't. Read More »

A.J. DiCosimo's picture

Reaffirming My Faith in Humanity

Old man with his fox sleeping

Sometimes I wonder why people could be so depressed. The world we live in is so amazing and beautiful, and we should all be thankful that we're in it. I think everyone should close their eyes, and take a minute or two every day to realize how great of a gift life really is. Read More »

Luke Strickler's picture

Why I Think Jaws Should Be Remade With a Car Instead of a Shark

Nice Jaws shark

Last year, nearly 1.3 million people died in road crashes. That's 3,287 deaths per day. An additional 20-50 million people are injured or disabled. However, the US only averages 19 shark attacks each year, and just one shark attack fatality every two years. Looking at the facts, how can any logical person be afraid of the great white disappointment that is Jaws? Read More »

Ben Tracy's picture

Pooping While on Acid

Cartoon mouse pooping while tripping on acid

It's taken me a lot to get to this point: taking a poop while on acid. But I felt as if this should be documented for the world to know. For those of you who never intend to drop acid, this is what it means to poop while tripping: everything. It means everything. I cannot explain this in greater detail as my senses only allow me this much but it is everything. Read More »

Michael Winston's picture

The SNL and Game of Thrones Controversies are Sucking the Life Out of TV

Louis CK rub his eyes in a Shakespeare outfit in disgust

This past weekend there was a lot of controversy over subject matter on two popular television programs. A quick search for either "SNL controversy" or "Game of Thrones controversy" will yield the necessary context if you're not already aware. The reason these issues generated any notoriety seems to stem from widely available public access to digital soapboxes. The voiceless (who should remain so) armed with Shift+3 can express outrage over anything they see/hear, and all of a sudden the angry mob with torches and pitchforks is digitally mobilized without having to get off the couch. Read More »

Joe Cabello's picture

The Most Exciting Relationship I've Ever Had

Heart-shaped red grenade

Two months into my relationship with Jen I started to get bored.

She didn't have any hobbies or interests, so beyond numbly watching reality TV, and the occasional sex, we didn't do much together. She wasn't ugly or anything, but nothing about her particularly stood out either. She was plainly pretty. Read More »

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