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Dear West Towne Mall Jeweler with the Same Last Name,
You made returning my wedding ring a heartwarming experience.
When I spied your "Frederick Asmus" nametag I nearly dropped my Auntie Anne's Roasted Garlic & Parmesan pretzel out of joy. I knew you would want to hear my story. Read More »
A few weeks ago an old childhood friend of mine passed away. His name was Daryl, and we used to do everything together. That is, until a teacher caught us kissing in the boys room at school one afternoon. I was young and it didn't mean anything; I was just exploring a natural sexual curiosity. But when the principal found out, he was not happy. Read More »
1. "Long John" Thomas Philips "Hardwood"
John Thomas Philips was born October 18, 1935 and passed away at on March 20, 2015, just as spring hormones were in bloom again. John, better known by his pseudonym "Long John Hardwood," worked diligently with dongs and thongs until he was 80 years old. He was a dedicated employee, working his way up from boom operator to director. He died on set a happy man. The devout Catholic's wake will be held at Pretty Kitty's strip club. Read More »
We went to one of those big amusement parks. I hate the act of standing in line at theme parks, but I do find the lines intriguing. While a team of engineers designed the rides, a team of social psychologists designed the lines. I'm not sure they are good social psychologists. If they were good psychologists their career paths might not include designing lines. Read More »
Have you thought about your taxes yet? Those naughty yearly deeds we all have to do each year?
For me it's difficult to forget, since it's the anniversary of the spring deadline for my literary magazine, Health Ink. If you're a writer like me, then I encourage you to apply. This year we're accepting recipes for any homeopathic remedies that use ingredients beginning with "H." My cousin has already submitted numerous recipes, although they were considered unacceptable because none of the recipes included actual ingredients; rather, they were nicknames for Jay-Z. Read More »
18-year-old Katie Lawrence sent a splash of hot oil through the fast food industry today when she fulfilled a customer's request for an Egg White Delight, even though breakfast service had ended two minutes earlier. Read More »
1. Needing Breaks After Socializing
What happened to you? You use to be so full of life, now all you do is scroll through Internet lists. Day in and Day out, you seem hell bent on finding out who 8 People in Your Philosophy Class are, What Movie Best Describes Your Sex Life, or even this... this clear clickbait, designed to say general things that'll make you feel like you're in a subgroup. To make you feel special. This is an intervention. Read More »
The President-elect sits behind a large desk, staring intently at an intelligence briefing. She is alone. Suddenly, the red phone rings. The President jerks backwards, startled. She stares at the phone through two rings and then grabs the receiver.
"Yes, what is it?"
"Mrs. President, we have an urgent situation." Read More »
To my sixth grade teacher, Sister Mary Elephant, and classmates:
"What I Want to Be When I Grow Up"
By Bruce Jenner Read More »
Good morning! I see you're looking at our selection of zombie-proofed vehicles. These certified ZUV's are very popular now and we've got quite a few nice ones in stock. Read More »
Want a break from the ads?
You know how long you've been playing this same goddamn DJ? I know he calls himself an artist, but come on. It's Pitbull. His idea of creativity is ripping a chart-topper from the 80's and adding a drum beat to it. He's a hack. Read More »
I apologize for my delayed arrival. I was hoping to be there when you woke up. But instead I sauntered in around noon, right after you finished that third cup of coffee. I could see you getting that strange, fervent knot in your stomach as I approached. You weren't expecting me, and for that I'm sorry. I really am. Read More »
What's in a name? More specifically, what's in a performer's name? My iPod is one massive mega-playlist filled with hand-picked rock theatrics and badass girl power, creatively categorized ONLY by the singer/band names. That's right, I've configured my playlist according to wordplay generated from wildly-named music artists. Aha! It's true. I do it. How could it be? Hear me out. Read More »
The plaintiff can ask all the questions they please, but I must apologize because I may not be able to answer every one of them. You see, I am a magician, and as we all know a magician never reveals his secret. I may be under oath here in this courtroom, but thirty years ago I took a much higher oath at Harry Houdini University, and I have no intentions of breaking that oath for another. Read More »
Even by homo sapien standards, Secretariat was a great athlete. Yes, he was a horse, but still. Recently I spoke with the 1973 Triple Crown winner. I sought his opinion on who he thought were the five greatest athletes of all-time. Read More »