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Madeleine Aggeler's picture

The First Draft of Melania Trump's Convention Speech

Call me Melania.

Hello, babies. Welcome to Cleveland. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded, and home to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Ich bin ein Clevelander. Read More »

Susan M. Gelles's picture

How to Not Fall Asleep Quickly: A 12-Step Guide for Single Women

1. As you lie alone in your darkened, temperature-controlled bedroom, comfortably ensconced between satin sheets that are cool and slippery, but not too cool and slippery, see if you can count up how many men you've ever seriously dated in your entire life. Read More »

Donald N.S. Unger's picture

Thank You for Considering Having Sex with Me

Dear Sir and/or Madam:

I would like to express my deepest gratitude for your willingness to begin the process of considering having sex with me. A few brief matters of federal, state, and local law—both civil and criminal—before we go any further. Read More »

Ashley Ingle's picture

Forgetting Your Password: The Five Stages of Grief

1. Denial

No, I did not enter my password incorrectly.

Ok, re-enter the password slowly; I'll look at my fingers as they hit the keys.

Error message?! This is not happening. Read More »

Dan Mox's picture

Deep Down in the Content Mines

Now sonny, you don't understand what it was like back when I worked deep, deep in the content mines. After the media industry miraculously created a sustainable economic model where contributors were paid living wages for their labor, most of the mines went away. Now people in media can afford to live in the urban centers where most media outlets are based and... Read More »

Luke Strickler's picture

Just Because My Name is Robert Poopinmyunderwear Does Not Mean You Can Call Me "Bob"

A name, sir, is much more than a string of letters you yell at hill folk when the pig slop runs cold. Tell me, if Coca-Cola were to instead be called "Fickle Tickle Water," would you still guzzle it down with the same lower class veracity? Read More »

Johann Martinez's picture

Parrots are Assholes

When Mom came home from the swap meet with a trio of parrots, I was stoked. They were big birds covered in splashes of dynamic color, and possessed an exotic appeal that drew me in like a feathery Shakira. But it didn't take long for me to realize one thing: parrots are assholes. Read More »

William Johnson's picture

Sleep Apnea: The Art of Choking on Your Own Throat

I am a confirmed sufferer of sleep apnea. By "confirmed" I mean that my wife witnessed me glide between breaths of oxygen like a hang glider sailing from one refreshing mountain peak to another. Swoosh! Aah! Read More »

Derek Andersen's picture

I Am Your Father's Man Cave

One day, this kingdom will be yours! Step inside and behold the glory of ESPN, Spike TV, and Gladiator, playing on a constant loop in 1080p! Sink into this Lay-Z-Boy recliner, and admire the fine leather. Six bulls sacrificed themselves so that you could sit upon this mighty throne and scratch your ass! Read More »

Cameron Bradford's picture

I Tested How Realistic Clue is by Killing Six People in a Mansion

Everyone loves a good game of Clue. The mystery, the subterfuge, the cunning...it has all the trappings of a classic. But where does it rank in terms of realism? To test this, I killed six different people, each with a different weapon, in various rooms of an old gilded age mansion I rented. Read More »

Barbara Blue Johnson's picture

I Lost a Silver Bullet in My Butt

I blame E.L James for this. Her and her "Oh, let's use this toy on you, Ana. It will be fun, Ana" from her book. It did sound like fun and eventually I found myself at a store that sold that kind of "fun." I really should have gone with some girlfriends and not alone. Read More »

Daniel Ryan Oliver's picture

You're Never Too Old for Drive-Thru Road Rage

Most of my mornings don't differ too drastically from other mornings. I never forget to feed the dogs. I never forget to set the alarm. And I'm almost never threatened to be smacked in the fucking face by morbidly old men. This morning, however, was a little different than most. Read More »

Luke Strickler's picture

Did You Not Wash Your Hands After Pooping on the Boss' Desk?

Gary, I've called you into HR today not because at 6pm last night you defecated onto Mr. Peters' desk, but because you clearly didn't even make an attempt to wash your hands afterward.  Read More »

Mark Loper's picture

Lovers Divided (The Unhappy Accident)

Darling,

Where are you? I've called your cell a dozen times and no answer. Found out I'm in Heaven. I talked to one of God's admins and he said just post your picture on the "cloud" and I thought the cloud was like that Internet thing. He really meant a cloud; it's white and puffy and they actually have one set aside for missing persons. Read More »

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