You young guys have a lot to learn about women. But you're in luck. Rob Ford is here to tell you how to relate, dominate, and perpetrate when it comes to chicks. Pay close attention to what I'm about to lay down for you. As the mayor of the fourth largest city in North America, gentlemen, I invite you to join me in "Rob Ford's Campaign to Make it Rain." Read More »

Last week CNN said Venezuela doesn't want CNN doing stories about them. When Venezuela heard what CNN said, they replied, "Did you not understand what I said?" CNN answered that if they didn't want CNN to hear what they were saying, maybe they shouldn't talk so loudly. Read More »

WARNING: The following article is unsupported by research. It was written by a maladjusted, depressed, anti-social, reclusive, angry, drunk male who has a long and embarrassing history of being rejected by women. As a result, it lacks a balanced perspective, it offers contradictory advice, and it has no solid thesis. Read More »

Let's face facts: when we're sleeping we do weird things. My roommate let me know that when I fall asleep I twitch a lot to the point of banging my head against the wall. But aside from the fact that my roommate stares at me while I sleep like a princess, and that I turn into a self-harming maniac with Tourette syndrome when comatose, this just goes to show that as much as we think we know ourselves, we're not totally aware of everything. Read More »

If you're probably like me, then you probably like looking at politics. The sound of words like "congress" and "oil" intrigue you. ("What do they mean?") The idea of wearing a suit is something you've often thought about thinking about. Read More »

Film is a serious business. So serious, in fact, that we have decided that the only person with the credentials to preview the upcoming films of 2014 is Gotham City's most serious resident: Batman... and that creepy man-child that still lives with him. Read More »

Welcome new gumshoes! This is the chief speaking. ACME Crimenet has been informed that after the capture of Eartha Brute and Vic the Slick, Carmen Sandiego has recruited fresh meat to V.I.L.E. We are told her newest member is clever with a cleaver and has an international taste for mischief. His name: Anthony Bourdain, otherwise known as "The Global Gobbler." Read More »

Lemmy of the band Motörhead is a rock-God, an icon, his face-warts run Prada. Having played in Hawkwind, he was told by his doctor that he had done so many drugs that he could die if he didn't stop—he has understood the quanta of cosmos and the infinity of our interconnected molecules over ten times it is safe to say; his skin exudes love, tolerance, and face-warts, and yet even he has said that the only emotion in England is resentment. Read More »

You hear the most beautiful tone in the world: the text tone. It reads: "Hey man what's up? What are you doing Thursday??" Although this text appears to be completely harmless at first glance, it is not. It is a disguised weapon of mass destruction and it is headed straight for your nerves: your friend is going to ask you to take him to or from the airport. Read More »

The financial success of the Transformers films has proven that rebooting retro cartoons can be big, big business. Many people welcome an occasional dose of nostalgia such as this, even if it does come with farting robots and a non-naked Megan Fox, as it gives the public something that they are easily familiar with and thus can easily invest in. Read More »

One of my main problems (well, other people call it a problem, I prefer to think of it as a lifestyle choice) in college was procrastination. I was a world heavyweight champ two semesters running for procrastination. If procrastinators are uniting tomorrow, I'm showing up next week. Read More »

Lately I've been using a lot of public transportation to get around, and as you might expect, I've seen some pretty shocking things. Then again, due to the gratuitous amount of shocking things in popular culture today, I'm usually unfazed by watching children crying in public or homeless people literally masturbating right next to me. Sadly, you just sort of...get used to it. Read More »

Guys, when you want to flirt with a girl, your communication options depend on how well you know her. For the sake of simplicity, I will analyze two different scenarios. The first scenario is if you already know the girl, meaning you have mutual friends, you're already friends with her on Facebook, and if you see her out you hug her and have a five-second bullshit conversation. Read More »

Last week I was in Starbucks and someone called me a Communist. At first, I was upset because I thought she had called me a "columnist," a jab aimed at insulting the information I was providing to another person in line about the high-fat content of the soy latte. (A soy latte, by the way, is no better than a non-soy latte. Read More »

Football is one of the greatest examples of everything right and wrong with America. Fuck your sports, we have our own and soccer is stupid (and yes, we will call it soccer). And we hate the metric system; the horribly designed system we have in place is perfectly fine "But it's easier to convert using the metric system!" Stop bringing more math into the equation. Read More »