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Tiffany Appleton's picture

11 FAQ's Before Applying to Be on "The Bachelor"

What are you looking for in a contestant?

There's no one formula for love. That being said, we're looking for naturally or surgically beautiful women in the IQ range of 70-89 with oblique abdominals that can crack a pistachio (please illustrate this in your casting tape). Read More »

Mike Bouley's picture

How to Make a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

One has many obstacles to surmount when constructing the proper peanut butter (PB) and jelly (J) sandwich.  The entire process is fraught with peril and risk to one's own safety and emotional well-being. As a result, this guide has been produced to assist the intrepid sandwich artist as he or she approaches this daunting task. Read More »

Luke Strickler's picture

I Don't Want This Suck & Fuck to Start Getting Political

When I first started the Orange County Suck & Fuck seventeen years ago in the back of my Jeep Grand Cherokee, I wasn't thinking about the politics. My focus is, and always has been, on the quality of the Sucking and Fucking presented. Read More »

Bashar Salame's picture

The National Burger Ban

"I'll give you my cheeseburger, when you pry it from my cold [due to poor circulation] dead [likely from a heart attack] hands!" Read More »

Jillian Green DiGiacomo's picture

How Fat Monk Syndrome Changed My Life

I read an article the other day. No, I listened to an interview on the radio the other day. It was about a new study being done to understand why a certain sect of monks in Thailand, or maybe it was Taiwan—I don't think it was Tibet—are suffering from obesity at an alarming rate. Read More »

David Nelson's picture

In Defense of Mansplaining

In recent weeks, I've heard the term "mansplaining" used quite frequently, aggravating me to no end. What can one do when legitimately tasked with explaining an abstract concept to a woman of demonstrably inferior intelligence? Read More »

Wesley Jansen's picture

How to Survive a Break-Up: 10 Guidelines of Emotional Support

Breaking up with someone can be extremely painful—I should know, I watched it happen on TV once. When two people fall in love, they build their lives, hopes, and dreams around one another. Read More »

David Brinn Silly's picture

6 Death Penalty Methods for Capital Punishment Traditionalists

They discontinued the electric chair in Florida because they said it wasn't safe. It was called "Old Sparky" a cute cuddly Dalmatian of a name. They said it was cruel and unusual punishment because when they strapped someone to it, the head caught fire. Sounds like it was doing the job to me. Read More »

John Bilancini's picture

I'm Beginning to Have Second Thoughts About Joining This Apocalyptic Death Cult

It seemed like a great idea at first: lots of single women, free booze, a chance to feel like I'm a part of something, only a little light sacrifice, but now I'm thinking that the Immortal Sons and Daughters of the Malevolent Uhthuru might not be the place for me. Read More »

Jes Hewitt's picture

Guitar Shop Man Doesn't Want You to Buy a Guitar

When was the last time you went to buy a new car and came back convinced that not only do you not deserve one, but that you can't actually drive? Never, I'm guessing. Because dealerships don't tend to hire wannabe Schumachers to take you for a dozen circuits of the carpark to demonstrate the how well the suspension and braking systems works at 120mph. Read More »

Sam White's picture

7 Situations in Which Never to Use a List-Based Format

There are three industries in which the internet crushes all opposition like a bulldozer on a kitten, and they are: Read More »

  1. Oh, yeah, kittens...
  2. Porn
  3. What have I just made..? Yes, a list(s)!
Caleb Pyles's picture

I Already Regret Receiving This Blowjob

I sit there uncomfortably as she unzips me. Eager is good. I like eager. But not when the woman reminds you of a salivating dog waiting for Pavlov's bell. Yes, I understand my desire for pleasure is a raging river overpowering my entire body at this moment, but she just spit on my dick. What kind of animal spits on a man's dick?  Read More »

Alex von Sternberg's picture

I'm an Obnoxious White Hipster Who Never Really Liked Prince, Now What?

Folks, I have a serious problem. And it's in conjunction with the awful tragedy that is the death of the one, the only Prince Rogers Nelson, musician and celebrity personality extraordinaire. Everyone loved his music and frankly, loved the man himself. He was a musical titan among musical gods, many might say. Read More »

Rale Sidebottom's picture

Five Places I've Had to Call My Mother From on Her Birthday

1. Pay Phone Next to Rural Ditch - Edinburgh, Scotland

Slept in ditch the night before after being jumped and beaten for my backpack. I kept it, along with the required black eye and bruises that accompany saving things. Read More »

Tara Saba's picture

"Amazon Prime Baby" Eliminates Barriers to Parentry

What a great idea! Can anyone buy an Amazon Prime Baby?  Read More »

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