We all know that going to a job interview can be very intimidating. Whether you're looking for work just to pay the bills, or actually trying to get your dream job, it's an emotionally trying time. Especially if you are a teacher. Teachers are put under lots of pressure in job interviews because they work with kids. Read More »

When I finally managed to turn on the TV after several infuriating seconds of struggling to aim the remote in just the right spot, the channel was fortuitously tuned to the Bravo network. I think my wife or mistress watched something on Bravo, so hopefully that explains everything and there won't be any follow-up questions regarding Bravo or my mistress. Read More »

Something awful happened to me today. It was one of the most heart-jolting, soul-wrenching, brain-numbing things I have ever lived through as a human being, and I am still reeling. It called into question everything I thought I knew about the human experience and probed the very fiber of my morality. It was mind-altering, time-halting, existential. Read More »

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13. "All My Lovin" by The Beatles

While this song does not suck (no Beatle song outright sucks except "Revolution 9 #," and I blame Yoko and bad acid for that one), it is one of the most played-out, over-covered, and safest of Beatle tunes. It also ruined the rhyme "Kiss You" and "Miss You" for all time. Again, would it fucking kill you to play "Strawberry Fields" or "Happiness is a Warm Gun"? Read More »

A few years back I worked for a time in a fabric showroom. It was an old Italian firm that had been around for most of the 20th century and dealt in very high-end silks, damasks, and wallpaper. This place sold only to the trade, and my job was to fetch samples of fabric for the decorators to show their clients. Read More »

English is a living language—I accept this fact. There is a good reason we aren't discovering the Latin slang for "swag" or "YOLO": the language is dead, no longer spoken, and no longer changing. To be honest, based on those two words, I'd venture to guess that Latin is grateful to be dead. Read More »

I don't know if this shows my age, but I find myself yelling at the TV a lot more than I used to. My latest outburst occurred after I saw a commercial for a haircut place called Lady Jane's. If you haven't seen the commercial or heard of the place, I'll give you a quick rundown: basically, Lady Jane's is a "man-themed" salon. Read More »

You young guys have a lot to learn about women. But you're in luck. Rob Ford is here to tell you how to relate, dominate, and perpetrate when it comes to chicks. Pay close attention to what I'm about to lay down for you. As the mayor of the fourth largest city in North America, gentlemen, I invite you to join me in "Rob Ford's Campaign to Make it Rain." Read More »

Last week CNN said Venezuela doesn't want CNN doing stories about them. When Venezuela heard what CNN said, they replied, "Did you not understand what I said?" CNN answered that if they didn't want CNN to hear what they were saying, maybe they shouldn't talk so loudly. Read More »

WARNING: The following article is unsupported by research. It was written by a maladjusted, depressed, anti-social, reclusive, angry, drunk male who has a long and embarrassing history of being rejected by women. As a result, it lacks a balanced perspective, it offers contradictory advice, and it has no solid thesis. Read More »

Let's face facts: when we're sleeping we do weird things. My roommate let me know that when I fall asleep I twitch a lot to the point of banging my head against the wall. But aside from the fact that my roommate stares at me while I sleep like a princess, and that I turn into a self-harming maniac with Tourette syndrome when comatose, this just goes to show that as much as we think we know ourselves, we're not totally aware of everything. Read More »

If you're probably like me, then you probably like looking at politics. The sound of words like "congress" and "oil" intrigue you. ("What do they mean?") The idea of wearing a suit is something you've often thought about thinking about. Read More »

Film is a serious business. So serious, in fact, that we have decided that the only person with the credentials to preview the upcoming films of 2014 is Gotham City's most serious resident: Batman... and that creepy man-child that still lives with him. Read More »

Welcome new gumshoes! This is the chief speaking. ACME Crimenet has been informed that after the capture of Eartha Brute and Vic the Slick, Carmen Sandiego has recruited fresh meat to V.I.L.E. We are told her newest member is clever with a cleaver and has an international taste for mischief. His name: Anthony Bourdain, otherwise known as "The Global Gobbler." Read More »

Lemmy of the band Motörhead is a rock-God, an icon, his face-warts run Prada. Having played in Hawkwind, he was told by his doctor that he had done so many drugs that he could die if he didn't stop—he has understood the quanta of cosmos and the infinity of our interconnected molecules over ten times it is safe to say; his skin exudes love, tolerance, and face-warts, and yet even he has said that the only emotion in England is resentment. Read More »