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Mike Bellinger's picture

I Put the Fear of God into My Dog

Betty is a small, fat, hairy dog that lives in the same house as me. There's your backstory.

Betty might walk into the kitchen, tail wagging, ears pricked, and I will greet her with enthusiasm, a smile, and that patronizing, high-pitched voice that people speak to dogs with. After I have greeted the hound, I then look away and pretend to concentrate on other things. Maybe I'm polishing a plate for some reason... it doesn't matter. It's all a ruse, with Betty now believing she is safe. Read More »

James McDuff's picture

The Highs and Lows of Touring with a Moderately Successful Rock Band

Touring and sharing small, intimate spaces with people you don't like being intimate with is tough. Hi, I'm James, guitarist to a rock-band extraordinaire that our lawyers have wisely advised under no circumstance should be affiliated with my writing and all names changed to protect the innocent. Want to know the highs and lows of touring with a top-notch, moderately successful rock outfit? Read More »

Michael Jenkins's picture

I Believe This Book You Lent Me Has Spent Considerable Time in Your Bathroom

Citing it as, "the book that genuinely defines our generation," you placed this paperback in my hands and told me that I would be remiss if I didn't scan these pages; these frayed, peeled back pages. Read More »

Brendan McLoughlin's picture

How to Spam My Friends After You've Hacked My Email

Congratulations! You hacked my email—yet again. Don't get excited, I've already changed my password. How long will we continue this dance? Year after year it's the same story: you hack my email, then you try to push an endless number of weight loss pills and male enhancement on my contacts "from me." What's your angle? Read More »

Nick Hilbourn's picture

The World Cup: An Underground Sporting Event Every American Should Know About

Hi, Nick Hilbourn here, technocrat and professional English major. Many of you on my mailing list who know about my 2010 article "10 Things You Can Do on the World Wide Web" (you may know it by the shortened form "TTTYCDOTWWW"), know that #6 was "Find Information." I'm still astounded by the relevance of this point, even in 2014. Read More »

Ryan OCarolan's picture

How NOT to Buy a Lottery Ticket at a Convenience Store

Losing lottery ticket

"A bird pooped on me. I should buy a lotto ticket!"
-Actual quote

It has been brought to my attention that you are, by and large, morons. As a result, I have compiled a list of things you should know not to do before you come to the convenience store where I work and purchase a lottery ticket. Read More »

Alex Deniz's picture

6 Shitty Jobs You Really Did in the Navy

Sailor dog wearing a Navy hat

We've all seen the Navy commercials "Accelerate Your Life" and "A Global Force For Good." You see all the sailors doing all kinds of awesome shit, making you stop and really think about your life. Well, I was one of those bright-eyed, naive fucks that got suckered into the hype. Read More »

Chad Russell's picture

The Great Outdoors with Jesus Christ and Friends

Jesus Christ and Judas Iscariot kissing Him

The premiere episode of The Great Outdoors with Jesus Christ takes us to the lawless wilderness of Upper Michigan's Garden Peninsula where Jesus Christ has invited his frenemy Judas Iscariot on an autumn turkey hunt! I'm Don Johnson, Christ's faithful cameraman, publicist, and devoted chronicler of his second coming. I— Read More »

Matt Greenberg's picture

Anatomy of Men's Health Magazine

Ryan Phillippe on cover of Men's Health Magazine

Albert Einstein gave the definition of insanity as, "Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." If that's the case, I am Norman Bates getting ready to dress up like my mother. And not just because I enjoy doing it. Let me explain. Read More »

Ryan OCarolan's picture

Dear NASA, Get Me Off the Moon Now Please

Astronaut playing banjo on the Moon

I just want to start by saying, I'm not mad.

Seriously, NASA. It's cool. I get it. "Oh, I'll just stow away on Apollo 17. Hang out with some astronauts. Hit on moon chicks. It'll be fun!" Yeah. I didn't really think that one through. It was kind of a dick move on my part. That said...

GET ME OFF THIS FUCKING ROCK ALREADY. Read More »

Brendan McLoughlin's picture

The Kindly Strip Club First-Timer

Hi there... this is my first time in a strip club.

How am I? I'm great, thank you for asking. How are you?

No, I'm not scared at all. In fact an overwhelming feeling of sadness blankets me at this moment.

I know, I'm here really early. I'm actually just waiting for my friends; they're all getting lap dances. Read More »

Jerry Landry's picture

BuzzFeed's Nostalgic Look Back at the 2010's, Twenty Years from Now

BuzzFeed "The Wire" quiz

Imagine it's 20 years from right now and (miraculously) you're reading a BuzzFeed article. Using completely baseless speculation, I will go full-on Harry Camping and predict the topic of the article you'll be reading on that warm day in 2034. Read More »

Nick Hilbourn's picture

The Fart Collector: How to Turn Shame into Profit

Fart Bank coins piggy bank

There I was. A burgeoning art collector accumulating some of the finest works of the 20th century into a masterful collection. I wasn't a classic insider in the art world; ingenuity was my momentum. More importantly than that, reputation was my spark plug. Read More »

David Ayala's picture

The 18-Year-Old Virgin

James Van Der Beek is a virgin

Last year I turned 18. It was awesome. I can vote, join the military, and be charged as an adult for crimes! THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER! Still, even with all this, turning 18 reminded me that I've gone another year without losing my virginity. And quite frankly, I don't really give a shit. Read More »

James McDuff's picture

How Sexist are You? The Misogyny Test

Woman screaming like a bitch

If you're a modern man, chances are you hate women. Don't be afraid. It's okay. After all, they use their vaginas to gain an advantage in life—an advantage we have practically forced them to use because we continue to deny them economic equality. Which is strange, because women are our complete economy next to drugs and the military. It's like rain. Rain on your wedding day. Read More »

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