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Nick Hilbourn's picture

Driving Etiquette for the Future

Merecedes future car

Hello reader. Nick Hilbourn here. Like you, I'm a concerned driver. Like you, I abide by federal rules and regulations on the road when it doesn't interfere with my own personal freedom and liberty. Like you, I wrote a Marxist interpretation of the New York State Department's Driver's Handbook for my senior thesis (pending approval). Like you, I'm also highly upset by all the new stop signs they put up in town. It seems there's one at every intersection. Read More »

Peter Breining's picture

How Officer John McClane's Recklessness Nearly Ruined Our Family

John McClane reckless burning buildings

On Christmas Eve 1988, Heinrich Von Hagen, a 38-year old German-born vibrational spectroscopy specialist was gunned down by a police officer in Downtown Los Angeles. Read More »

Charles Hartley's picture

What If... Whatever

Question mark painted into lines on road

What if you could be anyone in the world starting now other than your cool self? Who would you want to be? Would it someone you are jealousy of? Desirous of? Confused by? Fixated on? What if you wanted to be me? That would be weird. What if I wanted to be you? Read More »

Paul Hardie's picture

Is Your Chicken Tired?

Chicken on a pillow

"You should always let your meat rest after it's been cooked," they say. That's what she said!

Last weekend, I pulled a golden brown free range chicken off the BBQ for our dinner guests and my wife said, "You can't cut it now. Leave it for a bit, it has to rest." Read More »

Tim Sullivan's picture

Dante's eFerno: The 9 Levels of Internet Hell for Social Media Sinners

Angel and Demon of the Internet

Listen up, you who have wandered from the straight and narrow of the internet: follow me and I will show you the hell that awaits those who misuse the great social networks. Heed my warnings, for the fate of these wretches will be your own if you do not cease your wicked ways. (Note: you won't find any cyber bullies or their ilk here. They get sent on to real hell. No one wants those jerks around.) Read More »

Steve Lewis's picture

The Cunt of Celebrity

Kim Kardashian cult of celebrity

It's difficult to argue a case for celebrities: why we need them, what good they do, and why we shouldn't rummage through their bins and sniff their dirty underwear. It seems that most people seem to loathe celebrities, when asked. Everyone has their own makeshift dartboard with some grinning bastard's photo covering the bull. Read More »

Geoffrey Asmus's picture

21 Reasons I'm Drunk Right Now

Drunk girl in middle of road
  1. 12 years of Catholic school.

  2. Kendrick Lamar not winning at last year's Grammy's.

  3. Macklemore winning at last year's Grammy's.

  4. The Grammy's still being broadcast.

  5. Haters named Jeremy, Stephen, Kenneth, Julie, Michelle, Sarah, Esther, Eric and Marcus. Oh and Chris and the other Stephen.
  6. Read More »
Luke Strickler's picture

Dear Admiral Ackbar, Please Stop Torturing Us with the Trap Joke

Admiral Ackbar headshot

Hey, hi Admiral. You enjoying the swamp rat jerky? Great...

Listen, we need to have a talk. We all agree you're doing a super job as admiral, but we'd appreciate it if you could stop yelling "It's a trap!" at least for the rest of the hunting trip. Read More »

Kerreanna DiMauro's picture

Otto Querrec, Founder of AutoCorrect, Defends His Existence

Founder of AutoCorrect for iPhone

Hello, my name is Otto Querrec. You may know me as AutoCorrect. That was not a verbal pothole. I AM AUTOCORRECT. Read More »

Dru Oliver's picture

29 and Dying

Guy with Post-It notes on his eyes

It's strange that every time a pretty twenty-something-year-old non-celebrity white girl is on the cover of PEOPLE Magazine, I assume they have either killed their child or are sleeping with the starting quarterback of the seventh grade football team. This is what reality television is doing to our society, or else I've watched far too many interviews with Nancy Grace. Regardless, those were the first thoughts that passed through my mind when I saw an issue last fall featuring 29-year-old Brittany Maynard on the cover (right next to a smiling Mr. and Mrs. Clooney), right before, Damn it, where were these teachers when I was in middle school?! Read More »

Mike Bellinger's picture

I'll (Probably) Never Be a Professional Wrestler

Rick Flair crying in the wrestling ring (WWE)

I sigh wearily and gaze out onto the cobbled streets below. I see two young boys play fighting as their mother admonishes them. "Ahh, the innocence of youth," I lament. "You've got all the time in the world, boys. All the time in the world." A single tear rolls down my cheek. All the time in the world... Read More »

Charles Hartley's picture

There is Life After Golf, Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods withdraws from his last tournament

You can pursue other endeavors after golf, Tiger. You don't have to keep hiring new swing coaches to adjust your technique. The ones you've been toiling with during the past few years are swinging at air. You are confused, but it's part of the human condition. We all get confused. Read More »

Luke Strickler's picture

Your Band Literally Rocked My Face Off, Now What?

Man's face melting off in fire

Dear Crimson Caricatures,

First off, I just wanted to say I'm a long-time fan, first-time writer, and former face owner. Read More »

Randall S. Chadwick's picture

Why I Have an American Man Crush on Canada

American and Canadian puzzle pieces fit together

Distressingly, some Americans, as well as employees of Buzzfeed (a "feed"), have just as much difficulty identifying the U.S.'s "51st state" (that is, Canada) as they have identifying their own country, the name of which I'm blanking on. Read More »

Charles Hartley's picture

#Hashtags Are Where It's @

Hashtag symbol using fingers

#Winterishere.

#LetsguzzlegallonsofBaileysIrishCreambythefire #becauseitasteslikespikedchocolatemilk.

#Wherearewegoingwiththis?#

Our lives have been distilled to one symbol: #. #Yousseethe#hashtageverywhere. Read More »

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