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Dear Weekly Eagle,
I wrote this piece about my friends here at Birchwood High. I hope you choose to publish it, as I think it's really important.
Bruce Codneck Read More »
Hey, so you know old people? Not for long!! Am I right?!?
...But in all seriousness, my grandfather passed away recently, and it's been very hard on me. He taught me so much, like "righty tighty and lefty loosey." So when I'm operating a faucet like a BOSS, that's all Larry Par. Read More »
Poor Coco, my 1-year-old, 65-pound, positively loony standard poodle, was about to get his balls chopped off. There's just no delicate way to describe it, and I'm not sure whether under the circumstances we should tiptoe around anything or sugar coat the true nature of the event. Read More »
When the youngest of my three daughters, Charmander, was 14, she told me she was a lesbian. Being from a small conservative town in Arkansas, this threw me for a loop. My husband and I argued to high Heaven with Charmander for years and years trying to change her mind. It was hard, but eventually we made peace with her lifestyle and learned to love our daughter for who she is. Plus we have two normal daughters so we figure two out of three ain't bad. Read More »
I remember the first time my old man used the F word in front of us. It wasn't like he muttered it underneath his breath as he has been known to do. He cashed his F word chip in around my brothers and me with a salty, heartfelt "MOTHER FUCKER." My father is a great man and even better dad, but everyone has their breaking points and Christmas was usually his. Read More »
The media portrays millennials as lazy little losers who won't get off the couch long enough to apply for a job. But not all millennials are disaffected, undisciplined people. Take my little Janie, for example. Janie wants a job—she just hasn't found one yet. But we think she's going to start looking one of these days. Read More »
INTERIOR: Master bedroom of a nice townhouse. Real classic, you know? With the bay windows we always talked about. Read More »
1. Replace each dirty dish with one of Modern Library's "100 Best Novels."
2. Change the Wi-Fi password to a new verse of the Sermon on the Mount every day. Repeat until they have memorized it. Then move on to the Book of Job.
3. Place "Just Voted" stickers over upper left and lower third of television to obscure sports scores. Read More »
Here are three ways to get the most out of your Twitter experiences.
1. Immediately follow 10,000 people. Read More »
What's the only difference between a house cat and a Bengal tiger?
A tiger is much less of an asshole.
If a house cat could throw around 230 pounds of muscle, the human race would more than welcome a zombie apocalypse to help with their shitty cat problem. Read More »
Yeah, "Court" who "runs" "Points in Case." Imagine I'm shouting this in your face while really making the quotation marks in the air with my fingers in that obnoxious way they do in America. Read More »
ATTENTION! THIS IS A MEDICAL ALERT!
If you or a loved one has taken the drug Fenodoxline to treat any of your medical needs, and have been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, we would like to say that's a real bummer and we're sorry. Read More »
My name is Henry Mills and I would like to personally thank you for your recent purchase of my life-long invention, the Fleshlight. Inside your package you will find an individual serial number and handwritten certificate of authenticity to confirm your purchase's legitimacy. And like all Fleshlights, this one has been rigorously hand-tested before being shipped to you, our highly valued customer! Read More »
If the British excel at anything, its thinly veiled references to fucking. But in our defense, we had to focus our powerful, yet sensual, national energy into something other than marching into someone else's country and taking all their tea or cardamom. Especially since that kind of thing became a bit outmoded. Read More »
Attending a one-camera shoot on location somewhere between your pancreas and what's left of your dignity can present social challenges rarely encountered in the course of even the fullest life on the grandest of stages. Read More »