Over 15,000 funny articles by hundreds of top comedy writers.
Every day I put off cutting my nail only means that when I inevitably do, the annihilation of whole universes will be that much more substantial.
I know this decision has alienated a lot of people. And I'm sorry I shattered Bethany's clay pot on the floor while calling her "talentless swine" the other week.
Interesting people make for the best comedy writing hooks, so you need a steady influx of new faces, characters and setups. That's why you get a day job to be a better writer.
When will your muscle movement bracelets become widespread? And more importantly, will I be able to fit my children with them before I am driven to insanity?
Offred was forced to have sex with the commander again in front of his wife. Who treats white women like that!? Ugh, it was so terrible, because that like literally is my life.
We've both changed a lot over the years, but we made certain promises to each other. Am I mistaken in remembering that on our first date you told me you "like to cook"?
I hear these liberals saying, "Look, President Trump hasn't done anything—no wall!" Didn't get that when I said "build a wall," it was just a racist metaphor.
It was three tragic hit and runs that took my father away from us. And if my dad was killed by three cars, shouldn't Cars 3 be able to bring him back?
Dad?! What are you doing down here? Clara Robertson's picture? Ew, Dad, that's my old classmate, why do you even follow her on Instagram?
Homophobic Tell #2: Your cat tries scratching your eyes out whenever Modern Family is on. Uh-oh, it looks like Mr. Whiskers needs some tough love.