Quick Jokes and One-Liners

PIC comedy distilled to 140 characters or less, by Paul Frank, Court Sullivan, and Andrei Trostel. We're using Twitter to add jokes, so follow us there to get them on your phone too.

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Full Joke Archive

(You'll still want to follow us here for new jokes and one-liners because we don't update this list very often.)

I want to go as a hobo for Halloween, but with the recession and tuition, it's a little too close to the truth.

Dear fellow Homo Sapiens, whose bright idea was it to leave nice, warm Africa? Was it you, Carl?

Texas is about to legalize gay divorce. Conservative Republicans are set to argue about the sanctity of divorce.

I love driving but it's getting in the way of my texting.

Nike says they were going to give Michael Vick shoes, but he kept pulling the tongues off.

Wild Things scores at box office, though hundreds of thousands are let down that Neve Campbell and Denise Richards don't score in this one.

Junk Mail: The Original Spam! "Now with more Earth-killing power!"

New Orleans looks to Cuba for disaster plans, because if Katrina didn't do the job then maybe Castro could finish them off once and for all.

Turns out Iran's hardliner president Ahmadinejad is Jewish! It was revealed when he bragged about buying Iran's nuclear program wholesale.

Seinfeld's Bubble Boy sues Balloon Boy for name similarity and credibility defamation. Apparently, everyone now thinks it really is Moops.

Only you can prevent forest fires... unless you live in California.

It seems Botox is suing the government over freedom of expression, which is ironic because that's what Botox prevents.

"The One" is what Oprah called Obama. I'm really worried for the guy, because no one on the planet is surrounded by more agents than him.

6-year-old Colorado boy found alive in a box in the attic after setting balloon adrift. Authorities now tracking a house floating over CO.

I think today's standard for civil disobedience is making a reservation and then not showing up.

If the Founding Fathers were alive today, I think they'd be very impressed with our dish washing technology.

I was an altar boy when I was a kid. I never did get molested, but I was a wino by the time I reached 13.

How come whenever I see an empty train car, my first thought is always "Uh oh, The Rapture!"

"I ran, I ran so far away! I ran, I ran all night and day! I couldn't get away!" Goddamn, those Flock of Seagulls were fucking visionaries!

President Obama is finally getting serious with Iran: "Either dismantle your nukes or we'll block you on Facebook."

Rio De Janeiro beat Madrid and Chicago to host the 2016 Games. I can't help but feel that Rio has an edge in the booty jiggling event.

Elinor Ostrom just became the first woman to win a Nobel prize in economics and suddenly Obama's doesn't seem as unbelievable to me anymore.

2009 10 12 - 10:15:54 - Some people get very offended by certain types of humor. For instance, you should never force a rape joke on someone.

Megan Fox to be kicked out of Transformers 3! Optimus Prime responds by stating, "Good, that weak ass, whiny cunt is worse then Starscream!"

The death of Patrick Swayze means that Whoopie Goldberg will be getting more work.

Why is the road to Hell paved with good intentions? Is the road to Purgatory paved with indecision?

I'm starting an Egomaniac Club, if you're interested. Yes, I am the President.

I put forth extraordinary effort to strengthen international humor and laughter through this tweet. Now give me my Pulitzer bitches!!

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, then are gay people from Uranus and just a little home sick?

The recession has stunted Mexican emigration. Lou Dobbs and Rush Limbaugh have both agreed to hate rocks until things pick up.

The New York Mets are considering changing their uniforms for the upcoming season. Perhaps the New York Yankees uniform?

Neurophysiologically speaking, giant squids must get laid all the time. They are easily excited and they have a huge action potential.

Dick Cheney is planning on writing a book. It will be the first book ever where the entire foreword is redacted.

Has anyone else noticed that Rihanna's voice sounds tremendously better ever since the "got the shit kicked out of her" incident?

Why do some women get offended when you hold a door open for them, but during sex they always want to cum first? Are you a feminist or not?!

I believe I became an atheist the day I realized I was too mature for imaginary friends.

I just got a GPS. But the GPS woman sounds like a snobby valley girl. I wound up going to the Short Hills Mall & picking up a pair of UGGs.

Zombies really suck at head! They may like you for your brains but everyone knows when head is involved, you don't use your fucking teeth!

The Minnesota Vikings said tonight's game against the Packers will be a circus. Only circuses have rings.

Why did PETA name their organization something that makes me want to kill a lamb and stuff it in pocketed flat bread with tzatziki sauce?

I was a very pretentious kid growing up. Like instead of running away to join the circus, I ran away to join Cirque du Soleil.

Iran has agreed to start outsourcing its uranium to other countries for enriching. David Letterman’s intern is now extorting Iran.

The recession is forcing a lot of Americans to cut back. That's why I decided to publish my first book as a series of Twitter updates.

If any of you young scholars of today invent something better than an MP3, I will fucking stab you with it, so you better make it sharp!

No matter how bad my life gets, at least I don't work at the post office.

I don't wanna say that I've had so much anal sex that it's getting tiresome, but my dick has been through some serious shit, yo.

Is it me, or do all balloon animals look like penises?

When I’m driving, I’m pissed off at pedestrians. When I’m walking, I’m pissed off at cars. When I’m falling down pissed, I love everyone!!!!

Filmmakers demand Polanski's release on a 1977 child sex charge. In other news, the 1977 Buffalo Bills now demand the release of OJ Simpson.

I accidentally got my girlfriend pregnant after putting the diamond in her vagina and the Nuva ring on her finger.

It must've been a lot easier to commit suicide back when life expectancy was 30. It's not like ppl were saying "u have so much to live for."

I was feeling lonely so I got a dog. I decided to name it Republican because it only eats minorities and poor people.

I find cable news very educating. Every time somebody puts it on, I go into the other room and read a book.

If you buy a guinea pig in Italy do you just get a regular pig?

Do people in Cologne, Germany consider CK One to be fresh air?

I'm what you call a paranoid optimist. I always have this nagging suspicion that people are talking with me behind my back.

I saw a guy in a wheelchair on stage at a comedy club the other day. His stand-up wasn't nearly as good as his sit-down.

What did one unborn Chinese twin say to the other one? MAKE SOME WOMB FO ME!!

Roughly speaking, I think a sandpaper cut would hurt way worse.

If I ever got an erection lasting longer than 4 hours, I wouldn't call my doctor, I'd call Bang Bro Casting IMMEDIATELY.

Why don't we have wireless TV yet? Is that the same as satellite TV? In which case, can I launch my TV into space?

Do black people get spam offering penis enlargement?

One of the best things about having sex with someone who doesn't speak English is they don't know if you're calling out the wrong name.

I have an unquenchable thirst to be thirsty.

Do you ever get so high you watch the Spanish Channel...and UNDERSTAND it?

The best place to masturbate in public would obviously be church, because you would be forgiven within minutes.

I got a DUI the other day. It wasn't my fault though, I was drunk.

Long ago I perfected drinking while peeing. Today, I finally ate lunch while shitting. Next up: giving a BJ while getting one?

I think people should relax on Labor Day, just like I think people should spit on the graves of veterans on Memorial Day.

QOTD: "Madonna is a pop star, not an expert on interethnic relations." After she stood up for Gypsies on tour, against Borat's advice.

I consider myself to be very in touch with today's youth. I don't know if that makes me a child molester or not, but my penis seems happy.

Can black people be ghosts too, or would they stick out too much?

Why would anyone make a sawed off shotgun when they could just carry a saw around...

Do you think anyone's ever gotten post-traumatic stress disorder from a Civil War re-enactment?

If you're applying for a job at a bakery and you fudge on your resume, does that count as a mark against you, or just brown-nosing?

Suddenly, everyone becomes a comedian once a Girls Gone Wild commercial comes on.

Trying to come up with the sexual definition of a squeeze play...

If I opened my own restaurant I'd name it "Money Hungry," and the most expensive thing on the menu would be a steak called the "Cash Cow."

If someone makes you eat your words, and you were talking about ice cream or pizza or something, then you might enjoy the taste of defeat.

I want to join eHarmony, say I'm only into fisting, midget sex, and reruns of Married with Children, and see who I'm matched up with.

It's too bad that pornography companies can't really go green.

I'm so good at baseball I can steal first base.

Kim Kardashian is finally single! Finally, my dream of drowning in ass may become a reality.

Found the cure for AIDS, just been a little lazy publishing the results. Should have some extra time this wk, sorry ya'll.

I like to think of it less as eye fucking and more like love at first sight.

It's really hard to get or give road head on a motorcycle.

On Maury, I've always wanted the joke to be on the kid: "You're NOT the father and YOU'RE not the mother! Send this thing to the orphanage."

Can a woman become double pregnant from a double penetration?

If you really want to save water, try not turning on the sink 2 minutes before you're done brushing you're teeth. It's impossible.

I think it's pretty much a given that midgets don't attend stand-up comedy shows, right? Or circuses really. That'd be a pretty tall order.

Next time somebody refuses to get on a ladder because it's too high, tell them it's ok, it just makes the ladder more focused.

When Jesus has to pray, does he just call his Dad's cell?

Ok, I understand you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but who actually wants to READ a WHOLE book to judge it?

New invention idea: An alert that tells you whenever a girl you went to high school with is in a porno.

Years later, in the history books, kids won't understand why OxiClean products needed shouting, unless they just weren't very effective.

Is it wrong to tell people with AIDS to stay positive?

Do you ever see a girl from behind and she looks really hot, then you see her from the front and realize she's asian? (Is that racist?)

I've been on Twitter way before it was cool. So, basically, what I'm saying is, I've been gayer longer than you have.

I just masturbated, and man do I feel several teaspoons lighter.

Being awake at 5 am is lame, unless you're 13 years old at a slumber party!

I think protests should be renamed contests. Nobody's ever in favor of anything and it's always just a shouting match.

Why do ppl in a verbal argument insist on closing with an emphatic "GOODBYE"? How bout an understated but effective "badbye"?

Note: If you've attended a cockfight and there were no chickens there, you're now (officially) gay.

Ideas for improving the Kindle: add the ability to play music, watch movies, lose the whole 'reading' thing.

Why is the logo for handicap parking someone in a wheelchair? If you're in a wheelchair, you can't drive.

Wait, is Ben Affleck gay? It's just that I can't figure out why I keep dreaming of us making out...

I bet secretly the Three Tenors had a serious craving for some bass.

How to know you're a failure: when your dog outlives you. I'm lookin' at you, Bradley Nowell's corpse.

Finally came up with a word for when someone jews the price up on you at a store: hellacost.

Have you ever pooped, flushed the toilet, then realized you had to poop again? I think that should be called a #4.

What do you call it when two robots make love? Automating. Three robots? Menage a HUH?

Actor Carradine was in BangKOK filming "Stretch"; was found dead with a rope tied around his neck and genitals. I don't know where to begin.

You know what confuses me more than anything? When I hear fire truck sirens in the rain. Isn't that like a day off for firemen?

Who came first: the chicken or the egg? I don't know, I guess whoever hasn't masturbated for longer, who prematurely ejaculates, etc.

Remember, quilters never win and winners never quilt. Unless it's some sort of cheating cover-up.

#1 thing that sucks about being paralyzed: No kegstands. Ever.

I want to go up to a Wendy's counter, hold up a training bra and say, "Is this Wendy's? IS THIS FUCKING WENDY'S?? WHERE DID YOU GET THIS??"

Cow-tipping is expected if you feel you've received good service. For parties of 6 or more, 18% of cows will automatically be tipped.

Top 5 Beatles Ever: 1) John Lennon 2) George Harrison 3) ??? 4) Ringo Starr 5) Paul McCartney

If you already masturbate really well, can you go back to school to get your doctorbate?

Why do so many rappers carry guns in their waists? Because penises are big on the black market.

I can't wait til 2033 rolls around and Svedka ISN'T rated #1 vodka of the year.

The worst thing about sitting in an exit row seat on a plane is having to start off your passenger/flight attendant relationship with a lie.

Why do people say "God rest his soul"? When I die, I want my soul to keep on partying, not sleep every day away. My soul has shit to do.

Today is National PIN # Day! You must direct msg the PIN # for your ATM card to the first person who reminds you it's National PIN # Day!

No masturbation without representation! Demand at least one member in your state House of Representatives!

Just came up with an alternative energy solution: wind-powered planes. Seems like a natural fit to me.

Got halfway thru a book the other day before realizing it was just the inside cover of a DVD box. Movie was way better than the book.

People's first Twitter comments always sound like a 3rd grader about to have sex. "Uh don't really kno wat this is, trying it anyway.."

Biggest test of my life today: AIDS.

If nothing comes from nothing, no wonder something always goes wrong.

If you hear voices in your head, but they speak fluent Spanish and you don't, are you crazy or smart?

Real men don't go to salons, they go to grooming lounges and drink virgin martinis while getting business manicures: http://xr.com/t4k

It's finals week, don't forget to stock up on Vaseline!

I don't need my bag of potato chips to tell me I'm 'Baked!'

Never trust anyone who plays the lottery hoping to win but stands outside in a thunderstorm expecting not to get struck by lightning.

If you experience an erection lasting longer than 4 hours, don't call your doctor. Future visits will just be awkward.

Ideas for new Nike shoes: Nike Air Plains, Nike Air Looms, Nike Air Mattress, Nike Air On the Side of Caution, Nike Errors, Nike Areolas

Have u ever become friends with someone because they remind you of another friend, then realized the new friend is cooler than the old one?

One time I dated a chick who got super loud every time she was about to get her exclamation point. Bloody right, I was always on the mark.

I think businesses should advertise free porn instead of free wi-fi. Same difference.

If you're going to try and sleep your way to the top, make sure the sex is consentual.

If God double-crosses Jesus, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Discuss.

Support prostate health: don't get f'ed in the a by dudes all the time.

Sometimes I think about killing myself to get attention, sympathy and pity; then I realize I won't be alive to receive any of those things.

I want to commit suicide, but I'm scared of commitment.

Don't shit where you eat, unless you're filming the sequel to 2 Girls 1 Cup.

Boot and rally against abortion: for women who want to throw up everything except the baby after drunk sex.

4/20 is just another holiday invented by Hallmark to sell more greeting cards.

My girlfriend is on birth control, but she makes me wear a condom. It's like wearing a helmet while riding an exercise bike.

420 years ago today, Funyuns were invented. Congratulations, Frito-Lay, here's to another 420 years of vague memories!

4/20 is great and all, but why are there no holidays devoted to shooting up heroin yet? LEGALIZE IT

I have a sneaking suspicion that a threesome still counts as cheating even if I spray the hookers down with my girlfriend's perfume.

If anyone ever insults you with, "You're not a multi-tasker are you?" just say, "I can look at you and see that you're a fag."

The best part of getting laid off is getting laid.

A fraternity friend of mine just had fraternal twins, 1 girl & 1 boy. Which is perfect cuz he'll be a legacy and she'll be a sorority slut.

You know how I know all priests are gay? Because they're all cross-dressers.

Make sure to wear eyecondoms when you eyefuck someone, AKA contacts.

Just found Jesus's unborn baby dead inside an Easter egg. I know, I know, bad yolk.

Cash 4 Weed! Place your unwanted marijuana in our secured envelope, mail it, and we'll send you less than street value! Skip the middle man!

People say that nobody's ever overdosed on marijuana, but haven't you heard the phrase "he was stoned to death"??

Throw away your Lunesta, Ambien, and Tylenol PM. You won't need it anymore, baseball season is starting again.

Please pardon my likelihood to be a pussy, my alpha dog is still in beta.

Do gravity bongs work in outer space?

Advanced Stalking Facebook tip: Use the L and R arrow buttons to scroll thru photo albums without clicking. http://www.facebook.com/pointsincase

From the makers of Bowflex Home Fitness comes the first male-only social networking site, Broflex.com: Live, Laugh, Flex!

If a new electronics retailer called "Better Buy" opened up next to "Best Buy," which one would you go to first?

My favorite kind of movies are whore flicks.

April 2nd is like the least funny day of the year. Any joke you make will automatically be referred to yesterday.

Improved curriculum for next generation Americans: "The more you know, the less knowledge there is to go around. Who's gonna win?!!"

Sarah Palin says she has foreign policy experience b/c she can see Russia from her house. I can see stars from my house, so Im an astronaut.

If I was a cannibal, I would give new meaning to the term 'ankle socks.'

Dear Rihanna, We appreciate the thought, but tattoos can't shoot down Chris Brown, et al. Sincerely, The NRA http://tinyurl.com/guntat

For Halloween this year I want to go as a gay vampire so I can walk around saying, "I waaant to suck your diiiick." Once a year = no homo.

Is there anything more awkward than getting a footjob...when the girl has her shoes on?

You know why Obama has yet to make a mistake? Because he sees everything in black and white. http://tinyurl.com/obamaBW

Why is it that in group photos, girls always bend at the knees a little bit and lean in? Is that supposed to subtract pounds or something?

You lost me at "hello." Who are you & have we hooked up before? I smell cum on your breath. Has my penis opened up to you already? Down boy.

I hate that cemeteries have so many speed bumps. And why do they name them?

I'm thinking about writing a tv movie called Thanks For Coming: The Ron Jeremy Story.

12 hours in a night. 12 beers in a case. 12 condoms in a pack. Coincidence?

What are you, a pothead pornstar with an IQ of 85?

Sometimes the University of Phoenix makes me question whether Phoenix, AZ is a real city or just a busy chatroom.

The next time someone calls you a loser, tell them no, you're a finder, goddamnit, and pull a dull penny out of your pocket to prove it.

Jesus turned water into wine, but it was just 0020 AD wine. Who drinks wine that only 2 years old?! Nobody, Jesus. Nobody.

Why do we have to "take a stand against breast cancer"? Does it sense when we let up and then attack harder? Or is it easily intimidated?

Why aren't there any birds that operate like helicopters? Consider this your next challenge, God. http://tinyurl.com/birdwatch

Breaking News: Bristol Palin thinks getting pregnant with the same sperm twice gives you AIDS. TAKE NO CHANCES: http://xr.com/bristolslut

If the shampoo industry ever wants to promote themselves like milk did, I've already got their tagline. "Shampoo: It's all in your head."

I called to cancel a doctor apptmt the other day. The lady asked my reason for cancelling and I told her I was sick. She totally bought it!

I eyefuck everyone I see, so everytime I go out in public I'm basically having a huge eyeorgy.

Just realized: getting a handjob from g/f: disappointing. Getting a handjob at a massage parlor: SCORE.

I just sent a message to a friend through Friendster. It came back "UNDELIVERABLE: What have you been doing for 5 years? Wanna hang out?"

Talking in big fancy science terms doesnt change the fact that u are standing on a ladder in the middle of a large public mall with a boner.

A midget's ultimate revenge: "Finally, things are looking up."

If you are what you eat, am I a pussy?

Virginity is the only thing in the world people try to lose.

Vote Ron Paul For President 2009!

Made with all natural ingredients! = "Okay, so who here has grown xanthan gum before? Oh come on, NOBODY?? ..THANK YOU, Jim. All done here."

I took an astronomy class once 'cause I thought you could get high and no one would notice. Turns out Saturn's rings aren't made of Funyuns.

Today we honor Russ Smitson, the world-record holder for "Shortest Javelin Throw."

Nicole Richie looks like she ate a rat, never digested it fully, then vomited it up and let it fan out across her face. Who does that?

Hey, ladies, who wants to suck on my raw-man noodle?! ...No, I mean, like ramen... NO, it's not limp... YES, it's sort of wet but.. UGH, NM.

Should a corn dog be called a cold dog since it needs a jacket? Or a HOTTER dog because it HAS a jacket? Something to chew on.

"I'm sorry sir, but there's no room left for error. Unless you want the double queen with urinal only. It does still flush though..."

How to turn down a guy without hurting his feelings: Say "sorry, I don't date guys with huge dicks."

"Oh man, I'm loving this long long time!!" -Book publisher, after reading a children's story for Asian girls with an ambiguous happy ending.

With the current economy, can rappers still afford to pour our the first drink of every 40 onto the ground in memory of their dead homies?

Homocider: A fruity drink served by a bartender that makes you gay as soon as you take a sip, and kills you by the time you finish it.

OK response when u see a midget is not "oh my god, look - a hideously deformed freak of nature" even though yeah, they ARE freaks of nature.

Best pickup line ever: "If you thought this cab ride was fun, wait 'til we go back to my bed... they don't call it an F-150 for nothing."

Bad idea for a movie: Pandas on A Plane (the pandas are friendly pandas, not evil ones).

Spying on strangers while they shower: so fun it should be a crime!

When you finally come to terms with having Mad Cow Disease, is it just Cow Disease?

Romance tip: Try sprinkling syrup, mustard, or other 'condom-mints' on your penis to make fellatio more enjoyable for your partner.

Urinal Etiquette - Never stare at the guy peeing next to you's penis for more than 15 seconds.

When asian people squint, do their eyes close?

Automatic Oscar disqualifier: Someone was snoring so loud the whole theater could hear it during Slumdog Millionaire. (true story)

RELIGION: Bad things to give up for Lent - Jesus, going to church, praying, not sinning.

Police to cannibal: Who are you wearing?

Luckily, Pres Obama hasnt written 1 bill ordering america to drop it like its hot, make it rain on them hoes, or pop it lock it and drop it.

"Schwarzenegger to sign budget containing tax increase, cuts". Also in the news, "Headline to say everything, nothing, all at once".

THIS JUST IN: Major airline companies now offer to refund the price of your ticket if the plane you're on crashes into a home.

I drank a whiskey once that was scared it wasn't 40-proof. I said, "Hey whiskey, relax. You're stronger and faster than any malt liquor."

Best potential invention ever: invisible condoms. "Yeah, babe,I'm wearing a condom...one of those new invisible ones. Two of them actually."

CELEB NEWS: Angelina Jolie adopts baby doll (made in China). Does it count (as 'dirty' and 'foreign' enough)?

The world might be a better place if we all just lent a helping handjob.

What happens if you get a really ugly cat, and then 2 months later you get a girlfriend with the same name? Who has to change their name?

If the economy gets any worse, pretty soon AMERICANS will be sneaking into Mexico illegally for the chance at a better life.

Oh, hi, excuse me, just wanted to let you know your baby is sticking out. You might want to tuck that in, it's making your stomach look fat.

Paris Hilton turns 28 today. Paris, baby, you don't look a day over GOD DAMNIT HAVE SEX WITH ME ALREADY WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!

If you name your kid Billy Bob, Cletus, or Bubba, they're automatically racist (even as a baby).

Cuba is set to open its first state-run hair salon: Fidel Sassoon. Nobody leaves without a beard. SIT DOWN, I SAID NOBODY!!!

So, is that Obama guy still in office or what? Now that all the excitement's died down, I'm about ready for a new president, how bout ya'll?

Bob Barker recently quit hosting The Price Is Right to focus on his "Dying" career.

Can we just make it dinner and a movie this time, not dinner and a movie and anal sex? I swear, you're just like every other girl I meet.

I'd touch Fugly Slut with a 10-foot pole, but only if it had 3 condoms on. http://tinyurl.com/cywj48

All your girlfriend wants for Valentine's Day is for you to stop introducing her to your friends and family as "some cunt I know."

BREAKING NEWS from NY: 9/11 pt 2 is here. Cept this time terrorists disguised themselves as white pilots. Sequel is never as good as the 1st

What's better than twins? Octuplets! My goal: bang them when they turn 18.

Best ninesome ever. Wait...some of them are dudes?!?

A lot of mattresses these days come with pillow-tops. Or as I like to call them, extra-10-minutes-late-to-work-tops.

You think any gay dudes in the military have ever seduced an enemy soldier with "Make love, not war?" http://tinyurl.com/d6ep99

Just because the U.S. Mint redesigned the penny, doesn't mean I'm going to stop throwing them in the garbage. Just being honest, Abe.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror I see a naked woman staring back. Then I realize its not a mirror, Im hiding in a Walmart dressing room

63% of Americans reject Darwin's Theory of Evolution. The other 74% can't figure out where the extra 37% came from http://tinyurl.com/b6n3fq

If you haven't made reservations for Valentine's Day yet, don't forget to break up with your girlfriend! http://tinyurl.com/acngxn

Is there a such thing as a homeless man who has a job, he's just too lazy to find a house? We all get overworked/homeless sometimes, right?

This just in in sports: Can Brett Favre retire without crying?

"How do I copy and paste?" -Your mom trying to use a computer, in her whiny voice.

How surprising can it be that the motocross guy who invented the "double-grab Hart Attack backflip" finally died of it??

Weekend note to self: Start peeing on the church WALLS, not the door handles (so rude).

Whenever I see "read pp. 247 - 252" on an assignment, my internal voice always reads it with a stutter: "read puh-pages 247 to 252."

"Never forget where you came from: your moms vagina. (or rather, the inside of your dads penis)" -Paul Frank

If a woman acts like she's PMSing, you should say, "Are you on your question mark?" Because it's the period that's still in question.