It's taken me a lot to get to this point: taking a poop while on acid. But I felt as if this should be documented for the world to know. For those of you who never intend to drop acid, this is what it means to poop while tripping: everything. It means everything. I cannot explain this in greater detail as my senses only allow me this much but it is everything. Read More »
This past weekend there was a lot of controversy over subject matter on two popular television programs. A quick search for either "SNL controversy" or "Game of Thrones controversy" will yield the necessary context if you're not already aware. The reason these issues generated any notoriety seems to stem from widely available public access to digital soapboxes. The voiceless (who should remain so) armed with Shift+3 can express outrage over anything they see/hear, and all of a sudden the angry mob with torches and pitchforks is digitally mobilized without having to get off the couch. Read More »
Two months into my relationship with Jen I started to get bored.
She didn't have any hobbies or interests, so beyond numbly watching reality TV, and the occasional sex, we didn't do much together. She wasn't ugly or anything, but nothing about her particularly stood out either. She was plainly pretty. Read More »
Q: Why doesn't the Earth fall down?
A: The Earth does fall down. In fact, the Earth is constantly falling down. It's a good thing too, because it would look pretty silly standing still, doing nothing. Gravity is a funny thing. An artiste! I'm serious. Read More »
Ouch! Where did that come from? You were happily minding your own business when all of a sudden, it hit you. Why in Hades did you say that? A whole five years have passed since the utterance first departed your lips and you moved on to an existence with a fairly clear mind and conscience, yet you now find yourself cringing as though the last five years never happened. As though what you said all those years ago has just been pulled—warm if a little over-cooked—from the oven for the very first time, and is now stinking up the kitchen all over again. Read More »
To be fair, I do see what you're saying about time management, I really do. There's definitely some opportunity for me to grow there, so I'm glad you reached out to me about that. I was thinking about taking one of those Franklin-Covey Solutions seminars. I've brought it up to Dave like seven times but he never signs off on it. So, maybe if you could take a look at the costs? Read More »
Nicholas Sparks in is the business of making beautiful people more beautiful by packaging them in storylines that make teenage girls swoon and single women weep before they fall asleep at night. Unfortunately, these seemingly epic love stories are dangerous to women who bear a delicate psyche, because they begin to believe that just around the corner is the white knight, the sexy visiting urban cowboy, the modest millionaire. Read More »
Let's face it, if words are the ships that transport our thoughts to the islands of cognizant prose, then grammar is surely what keeps thoughs ships steady and afloat. The problem though, is that unfortunately, not every wons a natural ship captain. Some of us, like yours personally, (me), need a little help. Read More »
It's an epidemic: hipsters. They're everywhere. You may be one of them. Being a hipster is on the same playing field as being declared insane: try to rebut it and that only makes it more true. It's the ultimate catch-22.
Thankfully, following these 13 easy steps will ensure you're not a hipster, and definitely never be mistaken for one again. Read More »
Aw, for real? You're just gonna walk into my space. Come under my tree. And come diggin' around for my nuts that I strategically buried underground on this premises?
For real? Read More »
Now for the next part in the Clusterfuck Saga...
Six hours. That's how long we waited in the emergency room.
I had called ahead the day before to ask about how exactly I should go about transferring since my hospital was being a bag of just, the fattest dicks, and I was told "just show up in the emergency room" and they would admit me and get me a bed. Read More »
There is this knobby cyst about the size of a baseball on my stomach underneath my left rib cage. As smooth as a whiffle ball to rub, it jams against my ribs. The region feels irritated and sore.
The doctor tells me it's not cancer. I think it is. But I would rather go on thinking I'm not dying. This is foolhardy and naïve because death does us all in. Did you get the memo? Read More »
Second grade is a magical time in every child's life. You're learning about grammar, writing in cursive, and staring mystified at times tables. Your favorite dinosaur is stegosaurus and Cartoon Network seems relevant during daytime. For Catholic kids, though, it's time to eat Jesus. Read More »
The inflow of oxygen rich air into your lungs, followed by the release of carbon dioxide, helping to support the necessary vital systems for survival? You guys get it? THAT'S SO CRAZY! We're like, two peas in the same pod, right? I'm not alone in this? Hello? Read More »
So what did happen after my second surgery?
Well, I woke up to see that there was very much still a cage of metal around my leg. Which was odd, because I was super psyched about the idea of that not being there after the surgery. Also, my entire leg was numb (and right ass cheek, but more on that later). Read More »
Interviewer: Thanks for coming in. I wanted to ask you a few quick questions regarding your qualifications for the position.
Interviewer: How do you think you'd fit in working here? Read More »
Dear West Towne Mall Jeweler with the Same Last Name,
You made returning my wedding ring a heartwarming experience.
When I spied your "Frederick Asmus" nametag I nearly dropped my Auntie Anne's Roasted Garlic & Parmesan pretzel out of joy. I knew you would want to hear my story. Read More »
Hi, my name is Cole and I do stupid things, where doing stupid things can cause debilitating, lifelong injuries.
I always like to provide fun and amusing stories for my readers (how are you two doing, anyway?), but I have to admit, I always prefer it when the stories I tell are true. That twinge of realism really helps bring together those stories where I almost accidentally kill myself (via volcano), get held by armed guards, or kick lions in the dick for sport. Read More »
A few weeks ago an old childhood friend of mine passed away. His name was Daryl, and we used to do everything together. That is, until a teacher caught us kissing in the boys room at school one afternoon. I was young and it didn't mean anything; I was just exploring a natural sexual curiosity. But when the principal found out, he was not happy. Read More »
1. "Long John" Thomas Philips "Hardwood"
John Thomas Philips was born October 18, 1935 and passed away at on March 20, 2015, just as spring hormones were in bloom again. John, better known by his pseudonym "Long John Hardwood," worked diligently with dongs and thongs until he was 80 years old. He was a dedicated employee, working his way up from boom operator to director. He died on set a happy man. The devout Catholic's wake will be held at Pretty Kitty's strip club. Read More »