Bear with me for a second. I know it might be hard to believe, but even as a PIC Staff Writer/Permanent Six-Pack Museum exhibit, I do not find it difficult to walk from the front door to my mailbox due to a constant sweaty, slippery grind of ass I have to tap. As I make my cereal in the morning, I do not find myself burdened by having to satisfy enough people to populate a small island nation. I never have to stop on the way to do my laundry to pass undulating throngs of people who throw themselves at me genitals first. Read More »

1. Don't bitch.


2. Drinking is the cause and solution to pretty much every obstacle you have to face in life from the onset of puberty, from loneliness to marriage, and all that spectrum of beauty in between.
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We all know that going to a job interview can be very intimidating. Whether you're looking for work just to pay the bills, or actually trying to get your dream job, it's an emotionally trying time. Especially if you are a teacher. Teachers are put under lots of pressure in job interviews because they work with kids. Read More »

I needed a night out so I thought I'd hang with a friend, Tanya, and her friends, some of whom I'd met before. Our mission was to take out Yuri, Tanya's engineer friend from the Ukraine, who had never hit the Korean club scene. He looked like your stereotypical doofus: maybe 130 pounds and arms like wet baby towels. I'm sure he could chat online all day, but he could barely carry on a face-to-face convo. Read More »

When I finally managed to turn on the TV after several infuriating seconds of struggling to aim the remote in just the right spot, the channel was fortuitously tuned to the Bravo network. I think my wife or mistress watched something on Bravo, so hopefully that explains everything and there won't be any follow-up questions regarding Bravo or my mistress. Read More »

Recent census data shows that 69% of Americans are overweight. Recent census data also shows that 63% of all Americans are white. That means, regardless of race, creed or color, if you are fat, you are part of the majority in this country. And as the majority in this country, you chubbalos need to get together and make this country a better place to eat fried butter. Read More »

Something awful happened to me today. It was one of the most heart-jolting, soul-wrenching, brain-numbing things I have ever lived through as a human being, and I am still reeling. It called into question everything I thought I knew about the human experience and probed the very fiber of my morality. It was mind-altering, time-halting, existential. Read More »

« Back to Part 1 (the first 12 songs)

13. "All My Lovin" by The Beatles

While this song does not suck (no Beatle song outright sucks except "Revolution 9 #," and I blame Yoko and bad acid for that one), it is one of the most played-out, over-covered, and safest of Beatle tunes. It also ruined the rhyme "Kiss You" and "Miss You" for all time. Again, would it fucking kill you to play "Strawberry Fields" or "Happiness is a Warm Gun"? Read More »

A few years back I worked for a time in a fabric showroom. It was an old Italian firm that had been around for most of the 20th century and dealt in very high-end silks, damasks, and wallpaper. This place sold only to the trade, and my job was to fetch samples of fabric for the decorators to show their clients. Read More »

English is a living language—I accept this fact. There is a good reason we aren't discovering the Latin slang for "swag" or "YOLO": the language is dead, no longer spoken, and no longer changing. To be honest, based on those two words, I'd venture to guess that Latin is grateful to be dead. Read More »

Malaysia. Where's it at? Nobody knew two weeks ago, did they? But, we do now, don't we? Does that raise any red flags? What do we really know about Micronesia anyway? Could the country of Methuselah be using their missing jetliner as a clever ploy to attract financial interest in Central America or wherever it is? Could this be a hijacking of both a plane and the American public to try to teach them something about geography? Could we just tell Nancy Grace there was a white pre-teen girl on the plane and let her flesh out the rest? Read More »

In less than three hours at the gym, I lost about five kilos (or about 11 pounds). I lifted, wrestled, hit the heavy bag, and did some ridiculous Crossfit stuff. I looked incredibly drunk as I walked from the gym to the subway and then up to my apartment in Korea. I held onto the subway handrail for dear life. I couldn't sweat any more. Upon returning home, I drank about three liters of water and just sat. I didn't sleep or eat or watch TV, I just sat. Read More »

Complete this ten-question quiz to reveal your TRUE Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 Disappearance Theorist identity, then compare with your friends! Are you the Pilot Suicide, the Catastrophic Failure, or something else? Find out!

1. When you are out to eat and your waiter messes up your order, who do you usually blame? Read More »

I don't know if this shows my age, but I find myself yelling at the TV a lot more than I used to. My latest outburst occurred after I saw a commercial for a haircut place called Lady Jane's. If you haven't seen the commercial or heard of the place, I'll give you a quick rundown: basically, Lady Jane's is a "man-themed" salon. Read More »

Are you lacking in funds? Tired of sitting around every night staring at your 6-week-old loaf of bread grow mold because you don't have any cash? Well buck up, fucko! Here are some fun activities that will only cost you five cents!

1. Nickel Picking Read More »

You young guys have a lot to learn about women. But you're in luck. Rob Ford is here to tell you how to relate, dominate, and perpetrate when it comes to chicks. Pay close attention to what I'm about to lay down for you. As the mayor of the fourth largest city in North America, gentlemen, I invite you to join me in "Rob Ford's Campaign to Make it Rain." Read More »

A little while back I got kicked out of Germany. When pressed, I will eventually buckle and tell you the truth, that it was over a simple technicality involving a visa appointment, but before that, I will tell you a riveting tale about me fending off Angela Merkel's secret Ninja Clan, while teaming up with an ancient and wise, albeit somewhat senile and racist, dragon named Merferktuu. Read More »

Last week CNN said Venezuela doesn't want CNN doing stories about them. When Venezuela heard what CNN said, they replied, "Did you not understand what I said?" CNN answered that if they didn't want CNN to hear what they were saying, maybe they shouldn't talk so loudly. Read More »

There's a time and a place for everything, even karaoke, and that's all the time and everywhere. There's never a reason not to be singing karaoke. But you do have to choose your songs wisely, as not every situation calls for "Build Me Up Buttercup." Here are some helpful examples of appropriate song choices for the many places you'll encounter karaoke. Read More »

WARNING: The following article is unsupported by research. It was written by a maladjusted, depressed, anti-social, reclusive, angry, drunk male who has a long and embarrassing history of being rejected by women. As a result, it lacks a balanced perspective, it offers contradictory advice, and it has no solid thesis. Read More »