• New Comedy
Cole F.M.'s picture

German is a Lazy Language

German is probably the least sexy sounding language a human can speak without drilling themselves an extra asshole to pronounce new sounds. Or at least that's what a lot of people say. In actuality when actual Germans speak it (and not just your totally "hilarious" friend Todd doing impressions) it sounds pretty much just like any other language. Read More »

Sammy Sportface's picture

Ending "At the End of the Day"

"At the end of the day" is, at the end of the day, one of those phrases like "it is what it is" that we need to eradicate from our daily lives. Read More »

Alex von Sternberg's picture

I'm an Obnoxious White Hipster Who Never Really Liked Prince, Now What?

Folks, I have a serious problem. And it's in conjunction with the awful tragedy that is the death of the one, the only Prince Rogers Nelson, musician and celebrity personality extraordinaire. Everyone loved his music and frankly, loved the man himself. He was a musical titan among musical gods, many might say. Read More »

Rale Sidebottom's picture

Five Places I've Had to Call My Mother From on Her Birthday

1. Pay Phone Next to Rural Ditch - Edinburgh, Scotland

Slept in ditch the night before after being jumped and beaten for my backpack. I kept it, along with the required black eye and bruises that accompany saving things. Read More »

Tara Saba's picture

"Amazon Prime Baby" Eliminates Barriers to Parentry

What a great idea! Can anyone buy an Amazon Prime Baby?  Read More »

Mollie Gillespie's picture

Living With My Boyfriend's Hulkamania

On the surface, it would probably seem that my boyfriend Jack and I have the perfect relationship. I instagram cute pictures of him on Man Crush Monday, he posts pictures of me on Woman Crush Wednesday, and once we even shared a single chocolate milkshake with two straws. Read More »

Bashar Salame's picture

Make Gotham Great Again!

Fear and suspicion of undocumented immigrants has led to a showdown of sorts. The issue is a polarizing one, with some showing compassion and welcoming the alien merely seeking refuge from hostilities aboard. Others, however, see this as a threat to employment, welfare, security and overall stability of the homeland. Read More »

Raffael Fiano's picture

5 Steps to Becoming a High-Functioning Alcoholic

Alcohol is great. Anybody who says different is either a loser who thinks he's better than everybody else because he "doesn't need alcohol to have fun," or an alcoholic. It's easy to become the latter, since life is pretty terrible, so the question is: how to keep drinking and still (appear to) be a functioning member of society? Read More »

Liam Senior's picture

Instructions for Steve Harwell's Personalized Vape Pen

Congratulations on purchasing your very own Steve Harwell's Kloud Kickr Vape Pen! Steve is so happy to have you! With this step forward you have reached Astro Level One and are that much closer to achieving nirvana with the Kloud Kicker himself, vape creator and lead singer of Smash Mouth, Steve Harwell. Read More »

Codie Leiker's picture

Dear Overlord Pence, Of Uterus-Controlling Indiana

Dear Governor Pence,

Can I call you Mike? Or do you prefer Overlord Pence?

Anyway, greetings from Iowa! Now, a busy man like you might be wondering, "Why on Earth is a woman from Iowa emailing me? I've got legislation to pass!" Good question. Read More »

Sammy Sportface's picture

Trump Beach Volleyball

Rub in your Coppertone.

Notice two telephone poles standing erect in front of Donald Trump's beach mansion in Palm Beach, Florida. An orangish-yellowish volleyball net, the colors of Trump's hair depending on the day, hangs between the poles. Read More »

Jon Plester's picture

This Goddamn Computer is Going to Save Our Family

Hey kids, gather round and get close to Papa—I got something to talk to all of you about. We're all aware that the dust bowl was hard on Papa's farm, and how we never really recovered from its effects. And when Ma left us, well heck I don't think any of us thought the Hopewell family would ever bounce back from that. Read More »

Matt Nagin's picture

Trump vs. America: The Boxing Match of the Century

Tonight, the most anticipated boxing match of the past century; for the thousands in attendance and the millions, indeed billions watching from around the world, from the capital city of America, Washington DC, let's get ready to rumble! Read More »

Luke Strickler's picture

10 Things to Say When Your Dentist Asks "How Do You Like My Fingers In Your Mouth?"

1. "Personally, I've never been a fan of having my mouth invaded by your hand sausages, but I understand this is your job, and I'll be damned if I don't respect your craft." Read More »

Larry Ryals's picture

Blah vs. Bleh: Dawn of Blech

Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice is arguably an even bigger hype than Star Wars 7. Do you know why? Of course you do! Because everybody fucking loves superhero duels. I can't set foot in my workplace for more than 4 seconds without hearing 12 people having these "conversations": Read More »

Cole F.M.'s picture

5 Shitty Truths About Doing "Storage Wars" in Real Life

For the past year I've been living in the mountains of Georgia, because Karma is real and sometimes it holds back for a decade or so and then hits you all at once. Read More »

Steven Haas's picture

10 Cloverfield Lane Wikipedia Plot Summary Review

As I pulled up en.wikipedia.org/wiki/10_Cloverfield_Lane#Plot on my neighbor's unprotected internet, I prepared myself for what reviews of the film had described as a taut, confined psychological thrill ride that I had no intention of spending $10 on a ticket to see. Read More »

David Brinn Silly's picture

Ocean's 65 and Over

Every so often I read in the paper about someone who tries to steal an ATM by yanking it out of the wall with a trailer hitch attached to their pickup truck. Usually it ends with them not being able to open the thing. Idiots. It takes more than a grizzly bear body and a Hummer H1 to steal an ATM. You gotta have brains. Read More »

Nicholas Vrchoticky's picture

Three Requirements for Male Bonding at Trough Urinals

A magical thing happens when two men urinate into the same receptacle: a bond is formed in silence, side-by-side, unknown to members of the fairer sex. Brothers are made at the trough, everlasting camaraderie formed. Though, if a bond is disrupted during its inception, an opposing and catastrophic reaction can occur... Read More »

Audley Upton's picture

Worst Opening Lines from Bad Fiction Novels

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents—except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness." Read More »