It's here, the moment you've been dreading and looking forward to for what feels like forever: your first day on the job at the strip club, or...you've just gone into labor and it's time to rush to the hospital to give birth. Or no, let's face it, you've probably got hours to get there. Read More »
I'm a foodie at heart, but I'm cheap and lazy in reality. Luckily, with a bit of elbow grease and a lot of elbow macaroni, I've figured out a way to both have my free cake and eat it to excess.
Five Guys "Endless Peanuts" Standoff Read More »
A while back I explored several of the internet's absolute best nerd-themed cocktails, because I have debilitating alcohol dependency issues, but you bastards just want to watch me drink myself into oblivion while I make butt and penis jokes for your amusement. Read More »
A few weeks ago, my brother Billy and I were driving home from game night at our sister's house in Willow Grove, a suburb of Philadelphia. We were listening to a sports radio talk show in the car. Never before this sudden predilection for radio talks shows had my brother ever expressed any interest in anything at all having to do with sports. Read More »
Arcing ropes of hot piping semen spewed forth from the hole in my rigid dong for the first time the very day Ronald Reagan was re-elected President. I was despondent about the election but at the same time relieved to finally be able to shoot something out of my cock. At least I could ignore the justice struggle for four years and focus all of my energies on stroking my dick. Read More »
Yes, America...you're soft! As you pull your handkerchief out of the inside pocket of your three-piece Brooks Brothers suit and cry, let me give some context: people used to die on the assembly line, or on the sides of cliffs, making room for two other people to die in their place. Remember when Americans could get dysentery and be trampled to paste by a horse somewhere along the Oregon Trail? Read More »
If you don't tie your shoelaces in exactly the right way after you wake up in the morning, do you feel that your day will go horribly wrong? Do you check to make sure the door to your house is locked about seven different times before you actually leave for work? Read More »
Taking the high road has always been a difficult concept for me. It's like spitting on an opportunity the universe has given you to teach someone a lesson. The woman who cut you off in line at Starbucks spills her iced latte all over her white pants so why wouldn't you immediately empty the napkin dispenser in the garbage so she can't clean up? Read More »
Everyone has that one friend who needs a little extra attention when the going gets tough. But what can you do when life gets ahead of you and you're not rolling with the punches? We sat down at the station with your questions and put together all the issues that matter most to you, our readers.
Here are seven reasons to put your cat in the microwave. Read More »
"We need to beef up security. I think we all know too many visitors are taking pictures of themselves pretending to have sex with the wax statues." Read More »
Let me preface this by saying that I am a really big Harry Potter fan. I wouldn't call myself a "super-fan," but I'm a big fan of the series, both the movies and the books. I don't know if you guys have heard this, but it turns out that Harry Potter isn't real. Read More »
I was sitting nervously in Stephane Colbert's cavernous rumpus room. A portly man spilling out of a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader's outfit waddled to the podium by the fireplace and began speaking.
"Welcome, everyone, to the North Jersey Chapter of Assholes Anonymous." Read More »
Soon after people graduate from college, seasoned professionals almost universally advise these young adults to "network." And by this they mean: get to know lots of people in various different industries and walks of life. Read More »
I returned home from a camping trip the other week to discover something horrifying: my male cat, Fry, was on his haunches, attempting to have sex with his sister, my female cat named Lorie. And she did not look happy. Read More »
I'm at the age now where I feel like I should've reached the level of full adulthood. Being an adult means a lot of things: being responsible, taking care of yourself, and financially discovering your footing. I often find myself asking, Where am I in the story of my life? Read More »
The good cop/bad cop routine is a classic interrogation tactic used in every interrogation room in damn near every police precinct in the world. It's a simple psychological trick: the "bad cop" goes into the interrogation room and gives the suspect hell, taking a highly aggressive approach, making threats and accusations. Read More »
Most people aren't aware, but the majority of scientists are deeply corrupted by their associations with universities, colleges, governments, or dumbass rich ladies foundations. Whatever the foundation wants to hear, scientists will say. Same goes for your typical university tenure committee and the Federal Bureaucracy: if the Feds want sea lions to mate more feverishly when exposed to Bossa Nova, then that's what your report will say. Read More »
If you're not a seasoned veteran of the Twitter streets then some of these girls' tweets might be hard to decipher. After a few years of research and experiments, I have gradually turned into the Rosetta Stone of this Twitter shit. Let me start off with some basic translations for beginners.
"Someone come cuddle" Read More »
So you want to get your driver's license. You're excited to learn your hand positions of 10-and-2 and your parallel parking and your highway merging. And if you're like most everyone else, then you think learning all this is how you'll become a driver. Read More »
Our society is in desperate need of new curse words. Gone are the days when "fuck" was socially shocking, and my personal favorite curse phrase "god damn it" just doesn't seem to get the same rise out of people it once did. My generation has even started to use these words as sentence, as if they were the new "uh" or "um." Read More »