There are many things about yesteryear that boggle the mind, and remind us that the world we live in today is radically different from the world of the past. Long gone are ridiculously pompous words like "whence," "strengtheneth," and "assuageth." But these grammatical figments of the past aren't the only things that have thankfully departed from the world long ago. Oh no. Read More »
Nothing says Happy Halloween like scantily clad, horny women who want nothing else than to act sinfully. Halloween is a special time of year that causes people to behave and act in ways that are seemingly out of character and downright evil. Or are they? Read More »
Jack sat across the restaurant table from his date Judy, watching her play with her phone.
"That annoys me," he said.
"What?" she asked not because she wanted to know what annoyed him, but because she had not heard him. Read More »
1. An Apple a Day
You've heard that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Well if that's true, then six a day will put him in another continent. Although, it's recommended you keep your doctor on the same landmass. Read More »
Bernard knew he had skin cancer. He knew, for a fact, he didn't have that mole on his neck a couple of weeks ago.
Well, he was pretty sure he didn't. Read More »
Kevin: Hey man, can I use your bathroom?
Me: Sure man, but it has some issues when you flush it so—
Kevin: Don't worry man, I wasn't planning on flushing. Read More »
You remember me, right? We made eye contact on the G train two months ago. I was wearing my somewhat-ironic DARE shirt, and you were wearing something that wasn't a DARE shirt, but still somewhat ironic. I think the appropriate word is "kitsch." No bells ringing? Read More »
If I had a nickel for every time I've heard someone start a phrase with "If I had a nickel," I honestly could not even give you an estimate the number of nickels I would have but it would be way too many nickels for one person to hold and be all walking around flinging nickels at homeless people, that's for damn sure. Read More »
"I felt that the director didn't really know what to do here. The choice of night vision lighting was a bold move to pair with the found footage style, but he never really seemed to tap into the spirit of the film. Although it's clear there's certainly some raw talent here, it needs to be given a good spit shine. Also, rocking bod, Beth." Read More »
Whether you're on Facebook or not, if you've ever spent any time reading what people post there, you're probably familiar with the 10 things that make them look like total dicks. Here's what you should avoid posting unless you want people to think there's something seriously wrong with you. Read More »
She told me I could have my way with her, but she didn't know how much clown makeup, frosting and kitchen utensils my way involved. So now I'm the bad guy because she didn't do her due diligence. Women: never ever accountable no matter what happens. Read More »
In England we have a cycling and auto parts store called Halfords. It's kind of like a downsized Walmart meets a downsized Home Depot and combines their most useful products, but only gets the latter's customers. There are no Mexicans or blacks in Halfords, so it's an ideal place to drink your coffee if you're a racist. Read More »
The old man's penis looked like Santa Claus' nose poking through a grayish, bushy beard. All the old men's penises looked like that. These were the first adult penises I had ever seen, and as an 8-year-old, it scared me enough to make me feel uncomfortable changing in locker rooms for the rest of my life. Read More »
Everyone has their preferred charity or cause they like to support, and mine is being 33.3% beer and batter by volume. Since eating and drinking are subjects very close to my cholesterol-choked heart, when I'm not busy planning a suicide Jackie Chan would be proud of, neglecting my family and friends, and being generally awful, I like to meet my weekly exercise quota by waving goodbye to the Domino's delivery guy. Read More »
There is an easy way to write comedy on the internet. Most of it involves putting witty captions on random pictures that have little to do with what you're actually writing about. And everyone loves a good list. Read More »
Post-Game Press Conference for Game 1 of the Offensive Team Name Basketball Association ChampionshipBy Dominic Coats / Oct 14, 2014
The Cleveland Noble Savages have just defeated the Jackson City Quadroons 116-110 in Game 1 of the Offensive Team Name Basketball Association (OTNBA) Championship Series. "No Shoes" Jackson, DeQwondarius the Magnificent, and Coach McCoacherson have taken their respective seats for questions. The following is the transcript from the Quadroons' post-game press conference. Read More »
1. Smash a pumpkin.
Get this out of the way first because it's messy. Buy a pumpkin about the size of a keg of beer. Bring it home. Go to your back patio. Throw it down hard. Watch it smash. Enjoy the thrill. Feel your strength. Study the seeds and slimy guts. Wonder if each of those seeds would have created another pumpkin had you not smashed it. Read More »
Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, hasn't been seen in public since September 3rd, his longest absence since he assumed control of the Democratic People's Republic in 2011. Oh sure, today's report will have you believe he recently emerged in public, but nobody's buying those undated photos. Read More »
If you're like me, you realize that college life, fun though it may be, does have its drawbacks. One of the greatest challenges for me was finding productive and enjoyable ways to spend the copious amounts of leisure time in between classes, labs, part-time work, partying, party aftermath-related complete relocation of stomach contents to bathroom floor while praying for sweet release of death, clubs, sports, and campus activities. Read More »
Describe the time of day and weather at the time of the accident.
The afternoon sunlight burst through my windshield with a Machiavellian magnificence, creating streaks of golden radiance that danced through my careening automobile. Read More »