How to Troubleshoot a Sump Pump, Sponsored by Marque de Mode Luxury Handbags
Flooded basement? Fashion purveyors Marque de Mode have you covered with some simple tips to get your basement dryer than a martini at Café Montague.
What the Dogs in the Sarah McLachlan Commercial Really Think
Every so often, abused dogs invade your television screen soundtracked by Sarah McLachlan's ubiquitous "In the Arms of an Angel." These are their stories.
Please Donate to Hurricane Maria Victims, And While You’re at It, Throw a Couple Bucks at My Kickstarter
Please take a moment to donate to Hurricane Irma relief, and while you're at it, throw a couple bucks at the Kickstarter for my Flappy Bird-meets-Candy Crush app "Clint the Climber."
The Haters and Losers Forget I Defeated ISIS in 30 Days
Haters and losers, folks, haters and losers. So many stupid people, ignoring the facts. Don't even remember I got rid of ISIS in my first 30 days.
I Asked 10 Doctors About This Thing On My Neck—Here’s What They Said!
"It's taking up a third of your neck and appears to have green veins extending from it. This can't be good." -Dr. Jennifer Miller, DDS
Trump Explains His MySpace Top 8
I was going to make Jared Kushner my 7th top friend, but then I remembered that having family members in your top 8 is LAME.
If You Suffer From Moderate to Severe Arthritis, This Drug is Going to Change Your Goddamn Life
Ask your doctor if Gamora is right for you. If your doctor says it is, wow, that’s a pretty ballsy doctor you've got there. I mean, this shit can literally kill you.
If Authors of Children’s Books Had Succumbed to the Dystopian Fiction Craze
In "Green Eggs and Radioactive Lambs" an isolated town's chickens have died and the few remaining eggs have turned green. Eat these pitiful creatures or starve?
Leaked Audio Transcript of Tom Hanks Celebrating the 23rd Anniversary of “Forrest Gump” on Magic Mushrooms
Disturbing and introspective audio from Tom Hank's handheld recorder, sent to me anonymously in the form of time-stamped .wav files.
Random Picks
7 Enduring Myths of the Single Woman
There are a few times a year when I have the energy to have sex, but contrary to popular belief, I'm not having all the sex.
We Must Investigate How SNL Has Me on the Show Every Week Even Though I’m Not in the Studio
I watch SNL and I see me in every episode, but I wasn’t on the show recently. Haven’t in a long time, I’m not in the studio. So why do I see myself on the screen week after week after week?
A Bunch of B.S. Tips
From semicolons to poetry to logical fallacies, there's not a page in the book you can't fake. Even the one that was never written.
Quiz: Are You the Ultimate College Student?
Think you rank with the best of the best, most hardcore college students? Not so fast cowboy, you have to take this quiz first.
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