25 Signs Your Girlfriend is Having an Affair with Donald Trump
Suddenly, all your girlfriend wants to do is play golf, hang around casinos, and insult people riding around in sub-compact cars.
Look, You’re Pivoting on My Narrative
It's as if to be part of the intelligentsia you have to say "look" before making your point. Look at what? Look where? You're a jerk.
What’s With All the Junkies on Children’s Bikes?
Has anyone else noticed the new phenomenon of junkies on bikes? Usually children's bicycles that no one over age 12 could be comfortably riding.
A Young Man’s First Period
Even as an 8-year-old boy, I knew that having my period would make me a man; it was the first step to becoming an adult.
Learn to Stop Procrastinating at The Cuddles Institute for Pathetic Psychology
Here at Cuddles, we promise that your adverse reactions to negative consequences will be so traumatizing, you'll never procrastinate again.
Build-A-Bum: Empowering the Homeless Through Capitalism
New Business magazine interviews Ethan Wanker, the 23-year-old founder of Build-A-Bum, an innovative company raising up millions of the destitute and homeless.
Just Because I’m a Badass Kween Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Care What the Peasants are Saying About Me
Despite the power a Badass Kween may have, the gossip of a village still stings. Stop being such backstabbing dicks, you guys.
8 Things Every Voice in My Head Knows to Be True
If you’re one of the myriad auditory hallucinations that plague me day and night, you know these things all too well.
The Crab Apples are Disrupting Music to Its Pretentious Core
David Peterson, The Crab Apples iconic lead singer, is a walking, talking contradiction. He is ignoring all his influences and pursing a psychedelic folksy revolution.
Seriously, Why Do Humans Only Have Five Senses?
In theory there could be infinite ways to experience a given object, but we are limited to just five. Sup with that?
I Got Caught in the Big Production Number of a Musical and It Ruined My Life
I tried to make my way to the subway stairs through the dizzying, sensual mess of choreography, but I couldn't escape the nightmare scene.
The Beauty of Bad Breath
You've discovered it's not so unpleasant and disturbing to wake up in the middle of the night with last night's dinner still percolating in your mouth.
5 Mind-Bending Pieces of Art That Will Make You All Like, “What the Fuck is Going On Here?”
If you've ever looked at a picture or painting and thought to yourself "Well now, that just can't be right...." and then trailed off in thought with your head cocked to the side, this article is for you.
10 Fast Food Items That Could End Your Life
A partial list of deadly menu items being added by fast food chains everywhere, as catalogued by the Department of Homeland Security.
Hey, Have You Heard About Sushis?
Have you heard about sushis yet? It's the hottest new food trend, served cold and eaten with chopsticks. Stranger than that, it’s actually made of raw fish.
Pete’s Wood Employee of the Month: Mr. Hymen Clit
Mr. Hymen Clit serves as custodian here at Pete's Wood, the only lumber furniture factory utilizing only the biggest and hardest wood for superior furniture.
Six Reasons I Can’t Handle Your Compliments
If you have something nice to say to me, I beg you to reconsider—I just can't handle that kind of loaded pressure.
To Be Published Upon Gene Shalit’s Passing
The esteemed critic consistently sported a trademark Shalitfro/moustache/spectacles combo, and was a staple figure on the TODAY show.