Existential Thoughts of a Giant Whose Fingernail is the Resting Place of an Entire Universe
Every day I put off cutting my nail only means that when I inevitably do, the annihilation of whole universes will be that much more substantial.
Just as Mark Zuckerberg Had to Drop Out of Harvard, I Too Must Drop Out of This Pottery Class
I know this decision has alienated a lot of people. And I'm sorry I shattered Bethany's clay pot on the floor while calling her "talentless swine" the other week.
How to Make Comedy Writing Story Hooks Out of People at Your Day Job
Interesting people make for the best comedy writing hooks, so you need a steady influx of new faces, characters and setups. That's why you get a day job to be a better writer.
Dear Elon Musk, When Will AI Let Me Force Choke My Disobedient Children?
When will your muscle movement bracelets become widespread? And more importantly, will I be able to fit my children with them before I am driven to insanity?
The Handmaid’s Tale is Especially Scary For Me Because I’m Rich and White
Offred was forced to have sex with the commander again in front of his wife. Who treats white women like that!? Ugh, it was so terrible, because that like literally is my life.
Make Dinner, Not War: A Husband’s Plea
We've both changed a lot over the years, but we made certain promises to each other. Am I mistaken in remembering that on our first date you told me you "like to cook"?
The Wall Was Just a Racist Metaphor
I hear these liberals saying, "Look, President Trump hasn't done anything—no wall!" Didn't get that when I said "build a wall," it was just a racist metaphor.
7 Reasons Why “Cars 3” Might Bring Back My Dad
It was three tragic hit and runs that took my father away from us. And if my dad was killed by three cars, shouldn't Cars 3 be able to bring him back?
Help! I’m Stuck in a Thirst Trap and I Can’t Get Out!
Dad?! What are you doing down here? Clara Robertson's picture? Ew, Dad, that's my old classmate, why do you even follow her on Instagram?
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The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Drinking
Pro tips for becoming a better binge drinker, disregarding the advice of others, and mastering the art of elevating your blood alcohol content. You're on your way to getting super drunk again!
8 Things I Hate, Period
An angry venting about 8 random things, including Crimedog McGruff, status symbols, environmentalists, and cigarette smokers.
Anti-Chuck Norris Facts: Health
Chuck Norris is not as all-powerful as you thought. Learn his vulnerabilities, exposed by fact-checkers everywhere. Here's looking at the REAL Chuck Norris.
PIC Writers: Our Ideal Summers
Summer is like Heaven: everyone's got a different idea of what it will be like. Let the PIC staff entrance you with visions of paradise.
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