I fell out of bed one night as I always do and came up with the idea for a new comic book character unlike any other. A character that would fight for truth, justice, and the consensual way. That's right, I'm talking about Richard Peter Johnson, otherwise known as Dick: Defender of Rape Victims. Read More »
They're new, they're obscure, they don't even exist. But that doesn't stop me from sharing them with you.
1. Porcine Fingerhut Damage Read More »
The premise: gather together a bunch of educated, politically active millennial women to have a lively discourse on the issues of today, and the competing opinions will be fascinating! As a professor, you salivate over the possibility of contentious exchanges over sensitive issues. Your spine tingles with the thought of the abortion debate... Read More »
The U.S. is in the midst of gathering Olympic medals like a mosquito collects blood. Michael Phelps, the half German/half shark "Baltimore Bullet," has continued to dominate the pool as always, bringing his total medal count to a record 1,673 gold, 1,219 silver, and 2½ bronze. Read More »
There are some things those without a penis just don't understand. Though well-known facts among men, woman may not know of the several ways he pees. But let me tell you ladies, there's more to urinating than unleashing the spout, draining the bladder, and calling it a day. Read More »
The Zika virus spreads through the Olympic Village, jeopardizing The Games. However, after receiving a heartfelt apology from the Olympic Committee, Zika decides to be the bigger man and leave Brazil. Read More »
1. Jar Jar Binks and Liam Neeson (Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace)
Though they were on-screen allies in The Phantom Menace, Binks and Neeson despised each other in real life. Binks said Neeson's off-camera pranks and goofs created a silly atmosphere on set, which detracted from the serious tone of the film. Neeson thought Binks was a stick in the mud who didn't know how to have a good time. Allegedly the two haven't spoken in years. Read More »
There are several ways you can use your God-given ability to produce weaponized shitclouds for personal satisfaction and enjoyment in the workplace. I refer to this category of passive-aggressive office maneuvers as "Fart Attacks." We'll begin the discussion with one of my favorites: Elevator Farts. Read More »
Hello. My name is Bob Davis. I am a professional wine taster/drinker.
When tasting a wine, I like to start three feet away from the wine glass and write down my first impressions from my eyes and beloved, all-telling nose. I analyze the artistic value of the glass. (Is it pretty? Is it shapely? Does it complement the wine?) I approach the wine at six-inch intervals, making sure to support or contradict my original jots. Read More »
Step right up. Rummage around. Bring your money.
Make sure you've taken your pills that help with your balance. You'll need them to keep from falling over in my driveway, which has a steep slant. Read More »
After becoming nauseous from my morning office chair spin, three things became apparent: first, I needed to work on an apology and a cat shampoo product after propelling recycled orange juice onto my feline pet. Second, I'm still not sure if the actress in Blade Runner was Hannah Daryl or Daryl Hannah. And third, I may not be cut out to be in business with myself. Read More »
Call me Melania.
Hello, babies. Welcome to Cleveland. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded, and home to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Ich bin ein Clevelander. Read More »
1. As you lie alone in your darkened, temperature-controlled bedroom, comfortably ensconced between satin sheets that are cool and slippery, but not too cool and slippery, see if you can count up how many men you've ever seriously dated in your entire life. Read More »
Dear Sir and/or Madam:
I would like to express my deepest gratitude for your willingness to begin the process of considering having sex with me. A few brief matters of federal, state, and local law—both civil and criminal—before we go any further. Read More »
No, I did not enter my password incorrectly.
Ok, re-enter the password slowly; I'll look at my fingers as they hit the keys.
Error message?! This is not happening. Read More »
It's not women's beach volleyball—although that's pretty sweet. It's not the NFL or the NBA or the MLB. It's not women's tennis. It's not LeBron James or Michael Jordan or Kevin Durant. It's not Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid or Harry Potter or Rocky. Read More »
Now sonny, you don't understand what it was like back when I worked deep, deep in the content mines. After the media industry miraculously created a sustainable economic model where contributors were paid living wages for their labor, most of the mines went away. Now people in media can afford to live in the urban centers where most media outlets are based and... Read More »
A name, sir, is much more than a string of letters you yell at hill folk when the pig slop runs cold. Tell me, if Coca-Cola were to instead be called "Fickle Tickle Water," would you still guzzle it down with the same lower class veracity? Read More »
When Mom came home from the swap meet with a trio of parrots, I was stoked. They were big birds covered in splashes of dynamic color, and possessed an exotic appeal that drew me in like a feathery Shakira. But it didn't take long for me to realize one thing: parrots are assholes. Read More »
I am a confirmed sufferer of sleep apnea. By "confirmed" I mean that my wife witnessed me glide between breaths of oxygen like a hang glider sailing from one refreshing mountain peak to another. Swoosh! Aah! Read More »