You’re alone. So very, very alone. And regardless whether you’re unhappy about this, content with it, or have fooled yourself into thinking you’re happy about it, your friends have decided that it’s time for you to go out and meet someone. Suddenly playing Madden alone in a pitch-dark room covered only by a blanket and your own self-loathing isn’t an acceptable way to spend an evening anymore. Who the hell are they to judge you? Fuck them. Fuck them all.
None of that matters now. They’ve committed you to this outing. And maybe it’s for the best. Will this person be the one you’re meant to be with forever? Someone to support and love you unconditionally? Your soulmate?
The one true love of your life? Take a breath buddy, how about you make it
through dinner first...
One of the little joys of reaching puberty was the moment we all discovered we were becoming wildebeests controlled by hormones. To most men, this is a very important ritual that begins with a 7th grade school video.
Remember that day in 7th grade, when you got shuffled into the gym and your lesbian P.E. teacher showed you a video about how it's time to start growing a penis afro, warning you that if you ever touch a female's crotch, there's a 1 in 5 chance you’ll pull out a bloody hand? That’s right, basically nothing more than a 30-minute commercial for oral sex, if you wanted to avoid the risk of pulling out a condom that looked like a murder weapon. Thankfully, it all ended with a shot of a guy looking at the camera and...
After recently parting ways with an ex, I’ve realized just how strange the concept of monogamy is to us men. Women will never truly understand exactly how we view this in our mind. To them, monogamy is a hobby like knitting or shopping: they just do it and don’t think about all the fun they could be having if they gave it up and stopped wasting time doing something so pointless.
Men view things a bit differently.
You see, men realize that there’s a great big world of women out there, and,
as it was for our ancestors, it is our duty as well to step out and explore it.
It is in our blood to be brave adventurers. All of us have that special
connection to the folklore legend of Johnny Appleseed, and, like he before us,
men...
