1. This is Just a Test

Good morning, boys and girls. This is Principal Weeks talking over our newly installed loud speakers. I hope I didn't frighten you with that sudden ear-piercing screech we call "feedback." You are about to take part in a test of what we call the "civil defense system." What is a "civil defense system?" It's a whining unrelenting wail we call a "siren" that makes you want to claw out your insides and run amuck in some pathetic hope that somehow you'll be able to find your mommies and daddies—and for good reason. Read More »

Emotions, for the most part, are what separate us from the apes. They are a thick cross-section of our personality, and although many emotions are shared, they are also uniquely our own.

That used to be true to the truest extent of true. Then somebody got this idea. Read More »

Yesterday my boy Willie B. hooked me up with a blind date. I met her in a gas station McDonald's for an early supper. I couldn't believe what I was looking at in front of me: this divine angel with the form fitting blue jeans and the tight fitting black NASCAR T-shirt, her cleavage bare for the world to see every time she leaned over and swirled her greasy fries in her paper cup ketchup. Read More »

I want to create the first ever honest dating profile, where I outline all the terrible attributes that make me a bad person and suggest the underlying psychological reasons why I am perpetually alone. We never get to uncover that information on the first few dates. Read More »

1. Meteorites Landing on People as They Come Out of Church

There is nothing I love to do more than wake up early on a Sunday morning, sit outside, and crack open the very first beer of a 30-pack as I proceed to enjoy yet another beautiful morning of moderate drinking. In fact, drinking beer and watching other people go about their daily activities has always been a hobby of mine. Read More »

Women, stop what you're doing now and take a moment to get in tune with your body. Do you feel it? Are your ovaries quivering? Look all around, look to the horizon. The rapeocalypse is upon us, and I haven't been this scared for my uterus since there was a Rick Santorum rally in town. Read More »

On the eve of being my younger cousin's confirmation sponsor, I got to thinking about the best ways to celebrate for the young chap. I was unimpressed by the prospect of purchasing a "gift" for him, like some shoddy-ass gold cross he could wear once and then pawn at Cash-For-Gold when he turned 18 and desperately needed to buy some legal porn, guns, and cigarettes. Read More »

We thought death was the end.... It was only the beginning....

The Mayans said "You shall be fucked four times before the end approaches." Mayan Book..- - - . .-. -... ..- .-.. .-.. ... .... .. -

We are on our last fuck, of these last days. Should we give it to save humanity? Listen, as I, Kekedamus, prepare you for what's to come. It's the Rapeocalpyse! Buckle up, it's going to be a dirty, nasty, messed up ride. Read More »