You young guys have a lot to learn about women. But you're in luck. Rob Ford is here to tell you how to relate, dominate, and perpetrate when it comes to chicks. Pay close attention to what I'm about to lay down for you. As the mayor of the fourth largest city in North America, gentlemen, I invite you to join me in "Rob Ford's Campaign to Make it Rain." Read More »
A little while back I got kicked out of Germany. When pressed, I will eventually buckle and tell you the truth, that it was over a simple technicality involving a visa appointment, but before that, I will tell you a riveting tale about me fending off Angela Merkel's secret Ninja Clan, while teaming up with an ancient and wise, albeit somewhat senile and racist, dragon named Merferktuu. Read More »
Last week CNN said Venezuela doesn't want CNN doing stories about them. When Venezuela heard what CNN said, they replied, "Did you not understand what I said?" CNN answered that if they didn't want CNN to hear what they were saying, maybe they shouldn't talk so loudly. Read More »
There's a time and a place for everything, even karaoke, and that's all the time and everywhere. There's never a reason not to be singing karaoke. But you do have to choose your songs wisely, as not every situation calls for "Build Me Up Buttercup." Here are some helpful examples of appropriate song choices for the many places you'll encounter karaoke. Read More »
WARNING: The following article is unsupported by research. It was written by a maladjusted, depressed, anti-social, reclusive, angry, drunk male who has a long and embarrassing history of being rejected by women. As a result, it lacks a balanced perspective, it offers contradictory advice, and it has no solid thesis. Read More »
This time we're going to work with a recipe from the fiery kitchens of Mexico, and then let it proceed to work its way to your soon-to-be-fiery asshole. If you've ever seen the movie Once Upon a Time in Mexico, then you will already be aware of this recipe's existence. It's the reason Johnny Depp shoots a motherfucker: for making it too good. Read More »
Let's face facts: when we're sleeping we do weird things. My roommate let me know that when I fall asleep I twitch a lot to the point of banging my head against the wall. But aside from the fact that my roommate stares at me while I sleep like a princess, and that I turn into a self-harming maniac with Tourette syndrome when comatose, this just goes to show that as much as we think we know ourselves, we're not totally aware of everything. Read More »
I grew up in North Dakota. If you've never heard of it, don't worry, most Americans haven't either. Also, most minorities would rather move to prison than the Prairie Rose State (that's North Dakota's nickname in case you were wondering). Read More »
It seems everyone has an idea about the best ways to scrape by in life as a penny-pinching, coupon-obsessed, miserable troll. (Did you know you can turn an old milk carton into a shoddy, flimsy dustpan that you'll throw away after one near-use?) Read More »
If you're probably like me, then you probably like looking at politics. The sound of words like "congress" and "oil" intrigue you. ("What do they mean?") The idea of wearing a suit is something you've often thought about thinking about. Read More »
Film is a serious business. So serious, in fact, that we have decided that the only person with the credentials to preview the upcoming films of 2014 is Gotham City's most serious resident: Batman... and that creepy man-child that still lives with him. Read More »
Can I put my penis there?
Where exactly is "there?"
Under the couch cushion.
Is it your couch?
You can put your penis there. Read More »
Welcome new gumshoes! This is the chief speaking. ACME Crimenet has been informed that after the capture of Eartha Brute and Vic the Slick, Carmen Sandiego has recruited fresh meat to V.I.L.E. We are told her newest member is clever with a cleaver and has an international taste for mischief. His name: Anthony Bourdain, otherwise known as "The Global Gobbler." Read More »
Trying to read the back of most modern ingredients lists can leave most people confused, feeling like they need multiple linguistic degrees, a doctorate in chemistry, and whatever it was that Tom Hanks had in The Da Vinci Code that let him magically decipher the hidden semen messages on those paintings just to understand them. And maybe you breathe a heavy sigh of relief when you get to the part that says "natural flavoring" and think, "Good. At least this strawberry ice cream tastes like strawberries because of those wholesome strawberries in there, and not some chemical." Read More »
Lemmy of the band Motörhead is a rock-God, an icon, his face-warts run Prada. Having played in Hawkwind, he was told by his doctor that he had done so many drugs that he could die if he didn't stop—he has understood the quanta of cosmos and the infinity of our interconnected molecules over ten times it is safe to say; his skin exudes love, tolerance, and face-warts, and yet even he has said that the only emotion in England is resentment. Read More »
Because being your roommate means never having to apologize for the incredibly stupid and immature shit I do to you, I've compiled this handy list of things I'm not sorry about. Read More »
You hear the most beautiful tone in the world: the text tone. It reads: "Hey man what's up? What are you doing Thursday??" Although this text appears to be completely harmless at first glance, it is not. It is a disguised weapon of mass destruction and it is headed straight for your nerves: your friend is going to ask you to take him to or from the airport. Read More »
The financial success of the Transformers films has proven that rebooting retro cartoons can be big, big business. Many people welcome an occasional dose of nostalgia such as this, even if it does come with farting robots and a non-naked Megan Fox, as it gives the public something that they are easily familiar with and thus can easily invest in. Read More »
I thought I'd delay this year's New Year article so as to allow all that "New Year, New Me" horseshit to wear off. By now, hopefully, you're back to doing things like reading Points in Case instead of studying or working, and feeling like your old self again. Besides, let's face it, no one wants a new you anyway—the people who genuinely like you already liked the old you, and the people who hated the old you just want you to genuinely fuck off... not come back all reinvented and even more annoying. Read More »
Not all connoisseurs of craft beer are made of money. We don't all have a Scrooge McDuck-like room full of hops that we can roll around in while wearing beards made of high-end barley. But there is a way to enjoy the taste and quality of your favorite specialty brews without breaking the bank! Read More »