The Things You Notice On Your First Run in a While
You notice a phalanx of tiny Greek soldiers inside your body and they're stabbing you in the lungs with their historically accurate iron spears.
A Thank You Note From My Ex’s Current Girlfriend
He surprised me with a candle because he said, "I know your love language is 'receiving gifts.'" How did you get him to read "The 5 Love Languages"?!
Your Horoscope for When the Trappist Exoplanets are in Retrograde
We don’t know if Trappist 1-h’s theoretical moons exist or not, but the motions of these maybe-moons are still going to fuck your shit up, Cancer.
I Lost 80 Pounds Just by Exorcising the Demon That was Inhabiting My Body
You'll be ready to snatch your body back from the erratic specter that’s possessed it---and look "snatched" doing it!
Viewer Discretion Advised
The following program is in a 24-hour feed from the woods behind a dormitory and is rated "NC" for nest cam.
House Haunters: HGTV’s New Spooky Halloween Show
Two ghosts are ready to make a move to the city, will they find an eternal haunt?
Has Your Mother Been Seduced Into Joining a Polygamist Cult?
Halfway down the stairs, the humming stops, but you hear a choir of singing voices instead. “Mom?”
Gift Ideas to Help Republican Grandparents Bribe Their Grandkids into Not Hating Them for Dooming Humanity
A skateboard is cool. No need for safety gear, either. You obviously don’t give a shit what happens to your grandkids, so a helmet would be confusing.
Signs Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl May Be Less of a “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” and More of a “Depression Meal at Walmart”
As she trails off, she restarts "The Office" on Netflix for the twenty-fifth time and pulls her couch blanket over herself.
What Elementary School Was Like in Each Decade
The 1960s: Students are now allowed to bring lunches with them to school.
Me, Frankenstein Monster, Am Victim of Angry Mob and Me Blame George Soros
Fake News say it bad thing that me want Bavaria to be good neighbor of Transylvania. Say Dracula sadistic bloodsucking despot.
Jack-o’-Lantern Designs That Say “We’re Filing for Divorce”
A Jack-o'-Polyamory-Pamphlets: Nothing says, "we’re leaving each other," like joining separate sex cults.
Humiliating: When Asked What I Wanted for My Last Meal, I Panicked and Said “Yo-Yo’s”
I thought that I was the king of murders that helped me achieve a sense of fulfillment, but it turns out I’m actually the king of awkward.
Recent Comedy
