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Robby Rothfeld's picture

The Three Pillars of Colonoscopy Etiquette

Doctor putting on a rubber latex glove

Attending a one-camera shoot on location somewhere between your pancreas and what's left of your dignity can present social challenges rarely encountered in the course of even the fullest life on the grandest of stages. Read More »

Kerreanna DiMauro's picture

A Mad Libs Breakup Letter

Mad Libs in Love break up

Greg,

The unthinkable happened. I no longer enjoy your hickory advice on a potted 401k. Remember the laughs to help you push through your hump day. Read More »

Charles Hartley's picture

Your 3-Step Recipe for Ruining Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving dogs in Pilgrim costumes

Your job this year is to ruin Thanksgiving for everybody. Here are three simple steps to accomplish that.

1. Complain

Complain about the size of the turkey, that it's either too big or too small or looks gross. Read More »

Michael Jenkins's picture

How to Seduce Flo from Progressive Insurance, In Your Imagination

Flo from Progressive with cat face

It's difficult to go an entire day without coming across a Progressive Insurance advertisement and subsequently, their spokesperson; a chipper young lass by the name of Flo. Television spots, full page magazine ads, website banners, radio...she's everywhere! And, as a male, I am biologically obligated to mentally have sex with her. How would it go? What would it be like? Read More »

Candice Lee Jones's picture

13 No Shit Tips for Nailing a Job Interview

Bright lights on a man at a table

I believe there are two groups of people: those who are naturally awesome at everything they try, and those who are awesome, but struggle to achieve even a fraction of what the other lucky bastards achieve without lifting a finger. The former consists of The Most Interesting Man in the World, Ridiculously Photogenic Guy, and Morgan Freeman. The latter is the rest of us. Read More »

Steve Lewis's picture

Planet Earth: No Vacancy

Planet Earth: No vacancy

It's not really beyond any sort of doubt that the number of people in the world is growing. And despite the seemingly enormous amount of space on Earth—I mean, I can stretch my arms out both ways and everything—there is an awful lot of talk about the fact that there are just too many fucking humans here. Read More »

Taylor Sade's picture

5 Thanksgiving Traditions You Can't Avoid

Boy wearing a Native American headband

Thanksgiving is often the forgotten holiday. Maybe because it's sandwiched between Satan and Jesus's birthdays. Or maybe because it's on some weird Thursday that nobody knows about unless they buy a calendar or Google it. Read More »

Luke Strickler's picture

Generic Guy's Guide to Picking Profile Pics

Guy's profile pic on social media

A profile picture is your Internet face. And, just like your real face, it will be severely critiqued by every person who sees it, so it's important to get it right. Remember, even if your real face isn't great, there's no reason your Internet face can't be.

The Mirror Pic Read More »

Jerry Landry's picture

I Was Good in Bed, Right?

Guy looks up during sex with woman

Can you hear my heaving grunts? Can you feel how slippery my body has become? Don't worry baby, I've got more in the tank. Whether we're in a log cabin, an apartment, or in your incoming nephew's nursery, I can keep the love train rolling. But the truth is, this is more than sex to me. I just want to flop around on you for a while. Read More »

Geoffrey Asmus's picture

Listen Up, Period C Lunch: I AM A TWITTER GOD!

Speaker with Twitter logo

ATTENTION WESTWOOD HIGH STUDENTS!!

I DID IT! I've created fame. I've bottled greatness. I've put a stopper on death. Okay, maybe not that last one. But I HAVE climbed the unclimbable Everest of viral domination.

That's right, I have SEVEN THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED TWITTER FOLLOWERS! Read More »

Janet Eve Josselyn's picture

10 Ways to Get Girls to Like You

Impressed girl

If you enjoy having sex with girls (or "women" as the older ones like to be called), you will increase your chances of getting laid if you keep the following 10 things in mind.

1. Give her flowers. Read More »

Tim Michaels's picture

Cool, You Dyed Your Hair

Neon pink hair dyed on girl

So you shaved the sides of your head and you dyed the top of your head purple. Congratulations, you are now different! And luckily for you, you're now going to have the love life and popularity you've dreamed of. Now, your biggest worry will be stalkers, people sending you their body parts, and jealous assholes trying to send you anthrax. You are now...officially...hot. Good for you, Miley wannabes. Read More »

Charles Hartley's picture

Three Ways to Make Millions Writing Blogs

Laptop hands reaching out with hundred dollar bills

Do you really care about making money writing blogs? Or are you mostly into the joy of writing them, the pure artistic experience and then getting published instantaneously for the world to see? You have to soul search about this. Read More »

Eve Ellenbogen's picture

6 Surprising Perks of Backpacking Around the World

For years, you've been boring the balls off of whoever was unlucky enough to share your table in the office cafeteria, talking about your "penchant for early Indian civilization" (is that even a thing?). Read More »

Matt Nagin's picture

Brutally Honest Marketing Copy for 13 Companies You Love to Hate

Uber iPhone icon

Uber

Uber provides a simple, reliable way to pay top dollar to be kidnapped by a serial rapist. Let any bloke off the street pick you up, throw you in his basement, cover your face in masking tape, and suppress your screams as he sodomizes you ad nauseam. Oh, and for the privilege of having your dignity stripped, you can count on Uber to automatically include a 20% gratuity. Read More »

Chris Blexrud's picture

5 Insanely Simple Steps to Crafting a Thought Catalog Article

I'm Surrounded By Idiots button

Okay, so you want to write for Thought Catalog. Great! Wanting to write is half the battle! Of course, lots of things are half the battle. Not wanting to write is also half the battle. Let's not win the battle and lose the war here.

1. Embrace your relationship with lists. Read More »

Bilal Ahmed Qureshi's picture

Owl Facts

Great Horned Owl

Editor's Note: The following gem of a submission is presented entirely in unedited form. Enjoy.

No doubt Owl is one of the most interesting birds that exist in this universe (excluding any alien birds). If you are an Owls lover then we salute your love for animals, as for loving this animal one have to stay awake in night. This is so because generally owls don't like to follow our 8 to 4 office time and do possess a parallel schedule for eating rats and making weird sounds! Read More »

Randy S. Robbins's picture

12 Veterans Who Never Got the Credit They Deserved

Popeye the Sailor Man holding spinach can with huge bicep

Veterans Day—the day we recognize those who have faithfully served our country. And among the multitude who have proudly worn the uniform of the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps, or Coast Guard over the last two and a quarter centuries, I want to thank several veterans in particular who stood in defense of this nation. Read More »

Luke Strickler's picture

The Emotional Obstacle Course

Lost girl depressed

Hello readers of the community bulletin board! After the success of last month's Existential Sack Race, and the rising popularity of the Depression Dash, we've decided to add another event to our roster: the Emotional Obstacle Course. Read More »

Geoffrey Asmus's picture

US Government Survey: Why Did You Vote?

I Voted Today sticker

Please check the appropriate box below, so that we, The United States Government, know why you chose to vote in the most recent election last Tuesday. Your answer will remain strictly confidential.* Read More »