• New Comedy
Andrei Trostel's picture

Do They Know It's Christmas on the Moon?

Band Aid Do they know it's Christmas

'Tis the season again for being bombarded with really weird Christmas songs that we all sing along to, but haven't really given the underlying message a second thought. So you know what that means... it's time for overanalyzing another Christmas song that you can NEVER EVER hear again without your mind going to a very dark place. Read More »

David Kramer's picture

The Tragedy of the Three Bruces

Birchwood High School logo

Dear Weekly Eagle,

I wrote this piece about my friends here at Birchwood High. I hope you choose to publish it, as I think it's really important.

Bruce Codneck Read More »

Nicholas Hopping's picture

A Modern Report on Old People

Old man hula hooping

Hey, so you know old people? Not for long!! Am I right?!?

...But in all seriousness, my grandfather passed away recently, and it's been very hard on me. He taught me so much, like "righty tighty and lefty loosey." So when I'm operating a faucet like a BOSS, that's all Larry Par. Read More »

David Aboulafia's picture

The Requisite Horror of De-Balling My Dog

Scared dog face

Poor Coco, my 1-year-old, 65-pound, positively loony standard poodle, was about to get his balls chopped off. There's just no delicate way to describe it, and I'm not sure whether under the circumstances we should tiptoe around anything or sugar coat the true nature of the event. Read More »

Dominic Coats's picture

So Your Daughter's Dating a Muslim Lesbian

Lesbian Muslim women in bed together

Dear Dominic,

When the youngest of my three daughters, Charmander, was 14, she told me she was a lesbian. Being from a small conservative town in Arkansas, this threw me for a loop. My husband and I argued to high Heaven with Charmander for years and years trying to change her mind. It was hard, but eventually we made peace with her lifestyle and learned to love our daughter for who she is. Plus we have two normal daughters so we figure two out of three ain't bad. Read More »

Dru Oliver's picture

How Christmas Provoked My Dad's First F Word in Front of Us

Dad gives kids a hay ride

I remember the first time my old man used the F word in front of us. It wasn't like he muttered it underneath his breath as he has been known to do. He cashed his F word chip in around my brothers and me with a salty, heartfelt "MOTHER FUCKER." My father is a great man and even better dad, but everyone has their breaking points and Christmas was usually his. Read More »

Janet Eve Josselyn's picture

The Myth of the Millennialosers

Disaffected millennial woman

The media portrays millennials as lazy little losers who won't get off the couch long enough to apply for a job. But not all millennials are disaffected, undisciplined people. Take my little Janie, for example. Janie wants a job—she just hasn't found one yet. But we think she's going to start looking one of these days. Read More »

Luke Strickler's picture

Role-Play for Normal People with Boring Jobs

Men Working orange construction sign

INTERIOR: Master bedroom of a nice townhouse. Real classic, you know? With the bay windows we always talked about. Read More »

Geoffrey Asmus's picture

12 Passive-Aggressive Methods to Show Roommates You Disagree With Their Life Decisions

Lock key on the laptop keyboard

1. Replace each dirty dish with one of Modern Library's "100 Best Novels."

2. Change the Wi-Fi password to a new verse of the Sermon on the Mount every day. Repeat until they have memorized it. Then move on to the Book of Job.

3. Place "Just Voted" stickers over upper left and lower third of television to obscure sports scores. Read More »

Charles Hartley's picture

Three Tips for Maximizing Your Twitter Experience

Evil Twitter logo

Here are three ways to get the most out of your Twitter experiences.

1. Immediately follow 10,000 people. Read More »

Jerry Landry's picture

Your Cat Hates You, Guaranteed

Cat with mean face

What's the only difference between a house cat and a Bengal tiger?

A tiger is much less of an asshole.

If a house cat could throw around 230 pounds of muscle, the human race would more than welcome a zombie apocalypse to help with their shitty cat problem. Read More »

Cole F.M.'s picture

5 Solid Facts That Prove the World is Actually Getting Better

Good News headline on newspaper

"The world is awful and falling apart."
-The Media

"No it's not."
-The World
Read More »

Mike Bellinger's picture

Court's a Stupid Name Anyway

Red and white quotation marks inside and outside

Dear "Court,"

Yeah, "Court" who "runs" "Points in Case." Imagine I'm shouting this in your face while really making the quotation marks in the air with my fingers in that obnoxious way they do in America. Read More »

Luke Strickler's picture

ATTENTION: This is an Important Medical Drug Alert

Prescription pills and 100 dollar bills


If you or a loved one has taken the drug Fenodoxline to treat any of your medical needs, and have been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, we would like to say that's a real bummer and we're sorry. Read More »

Michael Jenkins's picture

Welcome to the Fleshlight Family!

Original Fleshlight

Dear Sir,

My name is Henry Mills and I would like to personally thank you for your recent purchase of my life-long invention, the Fleshlight. Inside your package you will find an individual serial number and handwritten certificate of authenticity to confirm your purchase's legitimacy. And like all Fleshlights, this one has been rigorously hand-tested before being shipped to you, our highly valued customer! Read More »

William Franklin's picture

The 5 Most Hated Things in Britain

The Daily Mail logo

If the British excel at anything, its thinly veiled references to fucking. But in our defense, we had to focus our powerful, yet sensual, national energy into something other than marching into someone else's country and taking all their tea or cardamom. Especially since that kind of thing became a bit outmoded. Read More »

Robby Rothfeld's picture

The Three Pillars of Colonoscopy Etiquette

Doctor putting on a rubber latex glove

Attending a one-camera shoot on location somewhere between your pancreas and what's left of your dignity can present social challenges rarely encountered in the course of even the fullest life on the grandest of stages. Read More »

Kerreanna DiMauro's picture

A Mad Libs Breakup Letter

Mad Libs in Love break up


The unthinkable happened. I no longer enjoy your hickory advice on a potted 401k. Remember the laughs to help you push through your hump day. Read More »

Charles Hartley's picture

Your 3-Step Recipe for Ruining Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving dogs in Pilgrim costumes

Your job this year is to ruin Thanksgiving for everybody. Here are three simple steps to accomplish that.

1. Complain

Complain about the size of the turkey, that it's either too big or too small or looks gross. Read More »

Michael Jenkins's picture

How to Seduce Flo from Progressive Insurance, In Your Imagination

Flo from Progressive with cat face

It's difficult to go an entire day without coming across a Progressive Insurance advertisement and subsequently, their spokesperson; a chipper young lass by the name of Flo. Television spots, full page magazine ads, website banners, radio...she's everywhere! And, as a male, I am biologically obligated to mentally have sex with her. How would it go? What would it be like? Read More »