After becoming nauseous from my morning office chair spin, three things became apparent: first, I needed to work on an apology and a cat shampoo product after propelling recycled orange juice onto my feline pet. Second, I'm still not sure if the actress in Blade Runner was Hannah Daryl or Daryl Hannah. And third, I may not be cut out to be in business with myself. Read More »
Call me Melania.
Hello, babies. Welcome to Cleveland. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded, and home to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Ich bin ein Clevelander. Read More »
1. As you lie alone in your darkened, temperature-controlled bedroom, comfortably ensconced between satin sheets that are cool and slippery, but not too cool and slippery, see if you can count up how many men you've ever seriously dated in your entire life. Read More »
Dear Sir and/or Madam:
I would like to express my deepest gratitude for your willingness to begin the process of considering having sex with me. A few brief matters of federal, state, and local law—both civil and criminal—before we go any further. Read More »
No, I did not enter my password incorrectly.
Ok, re-enter the password slowly; I'll look at my fingers as they hit the keys.
Error message?! This is not happening. Read More »
It's not women's beach volleyball—although that's pretty sweet. It's not the NFL or the NBA or the MLB. It's not women's tennis. It's not LeBron James or Michael Jordan or Kevin Durant. It's not Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid or Harry Potter or Rocky. Read More »
Now sonny, you don't understand what it was like back when I worked deep, deep in the content mines. After the media industry miraculously created a sustainable economic model where contributors were paid living wages for their labor, most of the mines went away. Now people in media can afford to live in the urban centers where most media outlets are based and... Read More »
A name, sir, is much more than a string of letters you yell at hill folk when the pig slop runs cold. Tell me, if Coca-Cola were to instead be called "Fickle Tickle Water," would you still guzzle it down with the same lower class veracity? Read More »
When Mom came home from the swap meet with a trio of parrots, I was stoked. They were big birds covered in splashes of dynamic color, and possessed an exotic appeal that drew me in like a feathery Shakira. But it didn't take long for me to realize one thing: parrots are assholes. Read More »
I am a confirmed sufferer of sleep apnea. By "confirmed" I mean that my wife witnessed me glide between breaths of oxygen like a hang glider sailing from one refreshing mountain peak to another. Swoosh! Aah! Read More »
Oh hello there. You look like someone who does a lot of stuff. Someone "on the go" as they say in the "people who say stuff about other people" business. A busy person, but also a HUNGRY person. Read More »
One day, this kingdom will be yours! Step inside and behold the glory of ESPN, Spike TV, and Gladiator, playing on a constant loop in 1080p! Sink into this Lay-Z-Boy recliner, and admire the fine leather. Six bulls sacrificed themselves so that you could sit upon this mighty throne and scratch your ass! Read More »
Everyone loves a good game of Clue. The mystery, the subterfuge, the cunning...it has all the trappings of a classic. But where does it rank in terms of realism? To test this, I killed six different people, each with a different weapon, in various rooms of an old gilded age mansion I rented. Read More »
Other than being fodder for rappers with regrettable haircuts, Goodwills the country over have a reputation for being great places to go to buy all kinds of broken electronics, smelly pillows and fashions even the 90's gave up on. Read More »
I blame E.L James for this. Her and her "Oh, let's use this toy on you, Ana. It will be fun, Ana" from her book. It did sound like fun and eventually I found myself at a store that sold that kind of "fun." I really should have gone with some girlfriends and not alone. Read More »
Most of my mornings don't differ too drastically from other mornings. I never forget to feed the dogs. I never forget to set the alarm. And I'm almost never threatened to be smacked in the fucking face by morbidly old men. This morning, however, was a little different than most. Read More »
Gary, I've called you into HR today not because at 6pm last night you defecated onto Mr. Peters' desk, but because you clearly didn't even make an attempt to wash your hands afterward. Read More »
Where are you? I've called your cell a dozen times and no answer. Found out I'm in Heaven. I talked to one of God's admins and he said just post your picture on the "cloud" and I thought the cloud was like that Internet thing. He really meant a cloud; it's white and puffy and they actually have one set aside for missing persons. Read More »
All the best.
Beh. Read More »
What are you looking for in a contestant?
There's no one formula for love. That being said, we're looking for naturally or surgically beautiful women in the IQ range of 70-89 with oblique abdominals that can crack a pistachio (please illustrate this in your casting tape). Read More »