Congratulations! You hacked my email—yet again. Don't get excited, I've already changed my password. How long will we continue this dance? Year after year it's the same story: you hack my email, then you try to push an endless number of weight loss pills and male enhancement on my contacts "from me." What's your angle? Read More »
Okay, guys, gather round. Big day today. I'm going to be straight with you: The Sabre Tooth Tigers are the most feared team in the league. If we were in the business of keeping score or tracking win-loss records or doing any fucking thing (sorry for that) to determine who is a natural-born athlete and who should probably just be inside reading books, they'd be numero uno, but until such time as I am in charge of the Magnolia Center Little League, this is purely WOM. That's "Word of Mouth," kiddos. Read More »
The first time I kissed Jake it was a bad idea. Jake wasn't a bad kisser, but I shouldn't have kissed him. I liked him a lot. He was funny and nice and he didn't have bleached hair anymore, but kissing Jake led to the most painful word any girl could ever hear from a boy ever: ouch. Read More »
1. My friend had arranged for me to go on a blind date. When we met at the restaurant, she was reading off of the menu.
2. After anxiously waiting for hours for my package to arrive, I sat down to take a shit. Then the doorbell rang. Read More »
Hi, Nick Hilbourn here, technocrat and professional English major. Many of you on my mailing list who know about my 2010 article "10 Things You Can Do on the World Wide Web" (you may know it by the shortened form "TTTYCDOTWWW"), know that #6 was "Find Information." I'm still astounded by the relevance of this point, even in 2014. Read More »
Everyone at some point in their life has seen a romance novel. And everyone knows that romance novels are stupid pieces of literary trash marketed towards sad, lonely old women with no lives. But what about men? We also enjoy trash. But we require something a little different for our needs. We require the polar opposite of romance: mindnumbing violence, and lots of it. Don't argue with me. You'll take your goddamn gender stereotype and like it. Read More »
"A bird pooped on me. I should buy a lotto ticket!"
It has been brought to my attention that you are, by and large, morons. As a result, I have compiled a list of things you should know not to do before you come to the convenience store where I work and purchase a lottery ticket. Read More »
We've all seen the Navy commercials "Accelerate Your Life" and "A Global Force For Good." You see all the sailors doing all kinds of awesome shit, making you stop and really think about your life. Well, I was one of those bright-eyed, naive fucks that got suckered into the hype. Read More »
Hello all you out there in PIC-Land! It's me, Codie, and I'm back. Most of you were probably wondering what happened to me, why I had never sent a thank you card for all of the gluten-free pies that came to my doorstep. Because gluten is delicious and you're ruining pies, that's why. Also, I had a baby and decided to keep it, so I've been a little busy teaching her calculus and the proper usage of a semicolon. Babies are like sponges: you have to teach them these things early on so they won't turn into strippers and meth heads. Read More »
Ben stared at Sara from across the table. It had been several dates now, and as he watched her daintily stab at her penne rustica, he realized that this was not just another in a long line of short term flings; this one meant something. The realization caused the contents of his stomach to shift and jumble involuntarily, because he knew that meant having the conversation that defines the status of a new relationship. He took a deep breath and began. Read More »
When trying to diagnose a person with depression, health experts will commonly cite several warning signs, ranging from increased restlessness to a loss of appetite. But in all of their studies, one factor repeatedly gets overlooked: what type of beer you have in your fridge right now. It's hands-down the easiest symptom to help detect whether you or a loved one is depressed. Read More »
The premiere episode of The Great Outdoors with Jesus Christ takes us to the lawless wilderness of Upper Michigan's Garden Peninsula where Jesus Christ has invited his frenemy Judas Iscariot on an autumn turkey hunt! I'm Don Johnson, Christ's faithful cameraman, publicist, and devoted chronicler of his second coming. I— Read More »
Albert Einstein gave the definition of insanity as, "Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." If that's the case, I am Norman Bates getting ready to dress up like my mother. And not just because I enjoy doing it. Let me explain. Read More »
I just want to start by saying, I'm not mad.
Seriously, NASA. It's cool. I get it. "Oh, I'll just stow away on Apollo 17. Hang out with some astronauts. Hit on moon chicks. It'll be fun!" Yeah. I didn't really think that one through. It was kind of a dick move on my part. That said...
GET ME OFF THIS FUCKING ROCK ALREADY. Read More »
Hi there... this is my first time in a strip club.
How am I? I'm great, thank you for asking. How are you?
No, I'm not scared at all. In fact an overwhelming feeling of sadness blankets me at this moment.
I know, I'm here really early. I'm actually just waiting for my friends; they're all getting lap dances. Read More »
Imagine it's 20 years from right now and (miraculously) you're reading a BuzzFeed article. Using completely baseless speculation, I will go full-on Harry Camping and predict the topic of the article you'll be reading on that warm day in 2034. Read More »
There I was. A burgeoning art collector accumulating some of the finest works of the 20th century into a masterful collection. I wasn't a classic insider in the art world; ingenuity was my momentum. More importantly than that, reputation was my spark plug. Read More »
Last year I turned 18. It was awesome. I can vote, join the military, and be charged as an adult for crimes! THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER! Still, even with all this, turning 18 reminded me that I've gone another year without losing my virginity. And quite frankly, I don't really give a shit. Read More »
If you're a modern man, chances are you hate women. Don't be afraid. It's okay. After all, they use their vaginas to gain an advantage in life—an advantage we have practically forced them to use because we continue to deny them economic equality. Which is strange, because women are our complete economy next to drugs and the military. It's like rain. Rain on your wedding day. Read More »
It is fortunate that the great authors of antiquity are not alive today. If they were, their most magical flights of figurative fancy—that skillful, mysterious plotting; those timeless, heart-wrenching turns of phrase—all might have ended up in the paper shredder. Read More »