List: Signs You’re Under a Spell Cast By a Chill AF Retired Sorcerer With a Ponytail and a Peace Sign Tattoo
Merrells are suddenly the only shoes that don’t "hurt your feet," and you explain this to strangers, even though your feet have never hurt.
The Wall Leaves a Series of Voicemails for President Trump
I get it. You're not really interested in me. I'm just an object you can show off to your friends. "Ooh look, I'm Donald Trump and I have a big wall!"
List: What I Imagine Being an English Butler is Like
My creative outlet is composing letters to my imaginary wife since I have implicitly sworn a life of celibacy even though I didn't know I had to.
The Universe Tells Me
I doubt it would cook up an abundance of hate to overpower the abundance of love. It would be so not like the universe to fuck with abundance.
List: The 5 Best Garnishes for an Egg Salad Sandwich on the Subway
The "Egg on Egg Deluxe" is a regular egg that's been cured for two years and is dying to be enjoyed while crammed on the A train.
The Survival Guide for Open Mics
The Musician: This Jason Mraz-wannabe thought this mic was for music, but ended up in a cafe full of comedians and stuck it out for some reason.
Cute Winter Date Activities To Do Right Before You Break Up
A Cooking Class: after watching him try to poach an egg, realize you’re ready for someone who knows the difference between cinnamon and cardamom.
List: You Won’t Believe the Names of Charles Dickens’ Top Five Male Porn Stars
A live sex show performer, Thack Pour typically festooned his lithe body with corsets and cummerbunds of various sizes and quality.
Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling
Going for a Chaperoned Walk: Change this to a Chaperoned Bike Ride. I build fixed-gear bikes for disadvantaged seeing-eye dogs in my spare time.
I Just Found Out My Hot Gay Boyfriend Is Also My Twin Brother
I felt for the first time that I was seeing myself through someone else's eyes, but it turns out it was because I was seeing my twin brother.
List: Chuck Norris Would Like to Revisit His Facts
Chuck Norris continues to beat the sun in staring contests and that alone probably disproves climate change.
Tips to Become a Better Job Hunter and Gatherer
Show your dream company your most impressive work by hanging your greatest taxidermied prize outside their window.
I’m Orville Redenbacher’s Dad and I Think His Popcorn Sucks Ass
God gave the Israelites corn and said, “Take this. And eat it only off the cob, with little tiny things called corn holders."
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