It's an exciting day here on location for episode three of "The Great Outdoors with Jesus Christ and Friends." We're at a very special little coffee shop in Marquette, Michigan where, to our great surprise, we've made an outstanding discovery: Bigfoot! Now, I know what you're thinking, loyal reader: "But Don Johnson last week you said we were going to go into the woods to search for a bigfoot..." Read More »
Tom: You ever miss Florida?
Me: Only when it's cold out, or when I want to go to the beach or when I get horny.
Tom: So, every day then?
Me: Pretty much.
Lacey: Tina's having a rough time with her breakup.
Me: Well, divorce can be tough.
Lacey: Oh, not the one with her husband. The one with her boyfriend.
Me: Of course. Read More »
Today the Pope decided that it's cool if you're down with the big bang theory and evolution. He's getting laid back, that Pope. But you still can't fuck with his car. That's an ass whooping waiting to happen. And don't even think about looking at his shoes. Dude's style is not for sale. Read More »
I count on smart people to make my life easier and protect me from harm. They have their jobs, I have mine. So when smart people waste time on stupid tasks, it doesn't just bother me, it worries me. Read More »
Dear Luke Strickler,
Thank you for submitting your piece, "12 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Bread," to LaughSmack. Our editors have decided that it's not quite right for us, and would thank you never to submit anything ever again. Read More »
Walmart has better prices. Kohl's has better selection. Target has hotter moms. If poetry could also smell like mid-priced perfume, it would be a hot mom shopping at Target. Read More »
Don't fucking tell me that this really puts sports into perspective. When Heath Ledger died, motherfuckers weren't running around telling me that this really puts Batman into perspective, or movies into perspective. Just because I love baseball and I love the St. Louis Cardinals does not mean I lack awareness of the fact that sports are entertainment. Read More »
Yes folks, it's that time of year again. Pumpkins have holes cut in them to be abused by frat boys; candy is devoured without help from children's cartoon ads; and Jamie Lee Curtis locks and bolts her doors, takes her phone off the hook, and throws darts at a picture of John Carpenter. Read More »
Dear Roger Goodell,
Greetings, comrade! I am Stanislav Petrov, editor of the highly esteemed Bolshevik Brunch pamphlet (attached for your reading pleasure). Read More »
There are many things about yesteryear that boggle the mind, and remind us that the world we live in today is radically different from the world of the past. Long gone are ridiculously pompous words like "whence," "strengtheneth," and "assuageth." But these grammatical figments of the past aren't the only things that have thankfully departed from the world long ago. Oh no. Read More »
Nothing says Happy Halloween like scantily clad, horny women who want nothing else than to act sinfully. Halloween is a special time of year that causes people to behave and act in ways that are seemingly out of character and downright evil. Or are they? Read More »
Jack sat across the restaurant table from his date Judy, watching her play with her phone.
"That annoys me," he said.
"What?" she asked not because she wanted to know what annoyed him, but because she had not heard him. Read More »
1. An Apple a Day
You've heard that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Well if that's true, then six a day will put him in another continent. Although, it's recommended you keep your doctor on the same landmass. Read More »
Bernard knew he had skin cancer. He knew, for a fact, he didn't have that mole on his neck a couple of weeks ago.
Well, he was pretty sure he didn't. Read More »
Kevin: Hey man, can I use your bathroom?
Me: Sure man, but it has some issues when you flush it so—
Kevin: Don't worry man, I wasn't planning on flushing. Read More »
You remember me, right? We made eye contact on the G train two months ago. I was wearing my somewhat-ironic DARE shirt, and you were wearing something that wasn't a DARE shirt, but still somewhat ironic. I think the appropriate word is "kitsch." No bells ringing? Read More »
If I had a nickel for every time I've heard someone start a phrase with "If I had a nickel," I honestly could not even give you an estimate the number of nickels I would have but it would be way too many nickels for one person to hold and be all walking around flinging nickels at homeless people, that's for damn sure. Read More »
"I felt that the director didn't really know what to do here. The choice of night vision lighting was a bold move to pair with the found footage style, but he never really seemed to tap into the spirit of the film. Although it's clear there's certainly some raw talent here, it needs to be given a good spit shine. Also, rocking bod, Beth." Read More »
Whether you're on Facebook or not, if you've ever spent any time reading what people post there, you're probably familiar with the 10 things that make them look like total dicks. Here's what you should avoid posting unless you want people to think there's something seriously wrong with you. Read More »
She told me I could have my way with her, but she didn't know how much clown makeup, frosting and kitchen utensils my way involved. So now I'm the bad guy because she didn't do her due diligence. Women: never ever accountable no matter what happens. Read More »