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Jeff Gassen's picture

Steal These Tweets: America the Absurd

Katy Perry wearing an American flag dress

Click on any text to retweet it.

Feel the freedom of mediocre life, questionable liberty, and the "are-we-there-yet" pursuit of happiness, with justice for some. Read More »

Charlie Mihelich's picture

Don't Blame Me, I'm Just the Manager at This Olive Garden

Olive Garden billboard at night

Hey everybody, gather ‘round. Rough day today, guys. Roughhhh day. You all really stepped up during the dinner rush, and we got through it. Go us! I think I can speak for all of us when I say "No more minestrone soup!" am I right? It's fun sharing a joke with you guys. We're all in this together. Read More »

Mike Bellinger's picture

I Put the Fear of God into My Dog

Betty is a small, fat, hairy dog that lives in the same house as me. There's your backstory.

Betty might walk into the kitchen, tail wagging, ears pricked, and I will greet her with enthusiasm, a smile, and that patronizing, high-pitched voice that people speak to dogs with. After I have greeted the hound, I then look away and pretend to concentrate on other things. Maybe I'm polishing a plate for some reason... it doesn't matter. It's all a ruse, with Betty now believing she is safe. Read More »

James McDuff's picture

The Highs and Lows of Touring with a Moderately Successful Rock Band

Touring and sharing small, intimate spaces with people you don't like being intimate with is tough. Hi, I'm James, guitarist to a rock-band extraordinaire that our lawyers have wisely advised under no circumstance should be affiliated with my writing and all names changed to protect the innocent. Want to know the highs and lows of touring with a top-notch, moderately successful rock outfit? Read More »

Jacob Trowbridge's picture

The ONLY 6 Reasons to Not Tip Your Server

Zero percent tip for a restaurant server

Lately, there's been an uproar in the media over "tip shaming," where servers share photos of the actual receipts of customers who left a hefty "0" in the tip column, generally with some sort of pro-religion/anti-gay message scrawled along with it. Read More »

Michael Jenkins's picture

I Believe This Book You Lent Me Has Spent Considerable Time in Your Bathroom

Citing it as, "the book that genuinely defines our generation," you placed this paperback in my hands and told me that I would be remiss if I didn't scan these pages; these frayed, peeled back pages. Read More »

Jeff Gassen's picture

Country Music is Immoral and Illegal

Miranda Lambert holding a shotgun

You love country music. Who wouldn't? Sure, it may be simple and repetitive, but some people say there's brilliance in simplicity. Well, maybe not some people, but I just did. Heartbreak, Jesus, a cold one, and a suspiciously lavish, jacked-up truck that isn't reflective of the town's median income. Rinse. Repeat. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Read More »

Brendan McLoughlin's picture

How to Spam My Friends After You've Hacked My Email

Congratulations! You hacked my email—yet again. Don't get excited, I've already changed my password. How long will we continue this dance? Year after year it's the same story: you hack my email, then you try to push an endless number of weight loss pills and male enhancement on my contacts "from me." What's your angle? Read More »

Charlie Mihelich's picture

No Kids, We're Not Going to Round Table Pizza After the Game

Sad boy holding a Little League baseball bat

Okay, guys, gather round. Big day today. I'm going to be straight with you: The Sabre Tooth Tigers are the most feared team in the league. If we were in the business of keeping score or tracking win-loss records or doing any fucking thing (sorry for that) to determine who is a natural-born athlete and who should probably just be inside reading books, they'd be numero uno, but until such time as I am in charge of the Magnolia Center Little League, this is purely WOM. That's "Word of Mouth," kiddos. Read More »

Codie Leiker's picture

The Worst Kisser on the Planet

Guy and girl kiss badly

The first time I kissed Jake it was a bad idea. Jake wasn't a bad kisser, but I shouldn't have kissed him. I liked him a lot. He was funny and nice and he didn't have bleached hair anymore, but kissing Jake led to the most painful word any girl could ever hear from a boy ever: ouch. Read More »

Jeff Gassen's picture

10 Spooky Two-Sentence Stories

Blind person touching a Braille hamburger bun at McDonald's

1. My friend had arranged for me to go on a blind date. When we met at the restaurant, she was reading off of the menu.

2. After anxiously waiting for hours for my package to arrive, I sat down to take a shit. Then the doorbell rang. Read More »

Nick Hilbourn's picture

The World Cup: An Underground Sporting Event Every American Should Know About

Hi, Nick Hilbourn here, technocrat and professional English major. Many of you on my mailing list who know about my 2010 article "10 Things You Can Do on the World Wide Web" (you may know it by the shortened form "TTTYCDOTWWW"), know that #6 was "Find Information." I'm still astounded by the relevance of this point, even in 2014. Read More »

Mike Lamb's picture

Man Fiction: Books About Shooting People in the Face

Man fiction novel in army helmet

Everyone at some point in their life has seen a romance novel. And everyone knows that romance novels are stupid pieces of literary trash marketed towards sad, lonely old women with no lives. But what about men? We also enjoy trash. But we require something a little different for our needs. We require the polar opposite of romance: mindnumbing violence, and lots of it. Don't argue with me. You'll take your goddamn gender stereotype and like it. Read More »

Ryan OCarolan's picture

How NOT to Buy a Lottery Ticket at a Convenience Store

Losing lottery ticket

"A bird pooped on me. I should buy a lotto ticket!"
-Actual quote

It has been brought to my attention that you are, by and large, morons. As a result, I have compiled a list of things you should know not to do before you come to the convenience store where I work and purchase a lottery ticket. Read More »

Alex Deniz's picture

6 Shitty Jobs You Really Did in the Navy

Sailor dog wearing a Navy hat

We've all seen the Navy commercials "Accelerate Your Life" and "A Global Force For Good." You see all the sailors doing all kinds of awesome shit, making you stop and really think about your life. Well, I was one of those bright-eyed, naive fucks that got suckered into the hype. Read More »

Codie Leiker's picture

7 Reasons Why Babies are the Worst (From a Mom)

Baby with googly eyes eating food

Hello all you out there in PIC-Land! It's me, Codie, and I'm back. Most of you were probably wondering what happened to me, why I had never sent a thank you card for all of the gluten-free pies that came to my doorstep. Because gluten is delicious and you're ruining pies, that's why. Also, I had a baby and decided to keep it, so I've been a little busy teaching her calculus and the proper usage of a semicolon. Babies are like sponges: you have to teach them these things early on so they won't turn into strippers and meth heads. Read More »

Charlie Mihelich's picture

That's Why Darling, It's Inevitable

Heart with a Band-Aid holding it together

Ben stared at Sara from across the table. It had been several dates now, and as he watched her daintily stab at her penne rustica, he realized that this was not just another in a long line of short term flings; this one meant something. The realization caused the contents of his stomach to shift and jumble involuntarily, because he knew that meant having the conversation that defines the status of a new relationship. He took a deep breath and began. Read More »

Jacob Trowbridge's picture

6 Beers in Your Fridge That Prove You're Severely Depressed

Steel Reserve Blk Berry cans

When trying to diagnose a person with depression, health experts will commonly cite several warning signs, ranging from increased restlessness to a loss of appetite. But in all of their studies, one factor repeatedly gets overlooked: what type of beer you have in your fridge right now. It's hands-down the easiest symptom to help detect whether you or a loved one is depressed. Read More »

Chad Russell's picture

The Great Outdoors with Jesus Christ and Friends

Jesus Christ and Judas Iscariot kissing Him

The premiere episode of The Great Outdoors with Jesus Christ takes us to the lawless wilderness of Upper Michigan's Garden Peninsula where Jesus Christ has invited his frenemy Judas Iscariot on an autumn turkey hunt! I'm Don Johnson, Christ's faithful cameraman, publicist, and devoted chronicler of his second coming. I— Read More »

Matt Greenberg's picture

Anatomy of Men's Health Magazine

Ryan Phillippe on cover of Men's Health Magazine

Albert Einstein gave the definition of insanity as, "Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." If that's the case, I am Norman Bates getting ready to dress up like my mother. And not just because I enjoy doing it. Let me explain. Read More »