Single Female Praying Mantis Just Checking Out Online Dating
I have to be me. I’m not going to stop eating the heads off of my mates after sex just because “the patriarchy frowns on it, Allie,”
The Orb in the Woods Kids
The orb seemed pretty observant, too, so no doubt everyone’s unique powers would shed new light on their natural strengths and underlying weaknesses.
Idiot Humans Love When AI Jumbles Up Words
The human appeared to be leaking water from its eyes while reading “Baby this is your back,” “All of our umbrellas are so in love,” & “Lose Your Ya!”
Natural Killers: A Message from an Environmentally-Conscious NRA Member
The only drawback I can see here is that aluminum crumples up, so you’re going to want to make sure you don’t accidentally sit on your aluminum gun.
Your Horoscope Based on the Demon That Has Possessed Your Body
Once again it is that time of year when the hosts of Solvil go absolutely crazy. Everyone has that time of year where they just lose control!
Six Ways I Want Dwanye “The Rock” Johnson to Crush Me
In a handshake between him and a fellow Ballers star. Dwayne would gently cradle you in his palm before pressing you into the hand of Rob Corddry.
I Am a Funny, Funny Book in a Barnes & Noble Display and I Want to Be With Your Niece
Let me guess: 21? Barnard student? Appears edgy at holidays, but how edgy? You wouldn't know. Perhaps... I can help.
DMs to a Young Influencer
I’m not ignoring your DMs, young influencer, it’s that I am seeing what content-oceans you swim to on your own. With isolation comes solitude.
Who Watches Your Instagram Stories at Night
Your mom; Dude you haven't seen since elementary school---didn’t he go to jail?; Memorial account for your deceased friend.
ICE-breakers: Fun Games for Agents and Immigrant Children
Someone might say, “Never have I ever abandoned families at a bus station right before a hurricane!” and you would drink since you've done that.
Now That the House is Democratic, I’m Turning My Life Around
I will not be completely terrified every time I see a white man wearing a red hat.All my lunches will be Soylent.
I Plan to Do Great Work Today
I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I...check Instagram to see if that guy posted more dumb pictures of that thing he thinks is cool.
I Believe in the Rehabilitation of the Child I’m Asking You to Sentence to Life Without Parole
I’m not asking you to think about “scientific evidence” or “UN sanctions.” I’m asking you to incarcerate this child with your heart, like an American.
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