While enjoying my vacation back in the USA, I took my mom out for a little date-type thing. We shopped at thrift stores, washed her car, chit-chatted all day, and then ate all types of fondue at The Melting Pot. The latter was one of my favorite memories of being back in the States. So I told a friend about it and he said, "You ate fondue? That's so gay! With your mom? That's even gayer!" Read More »
Thank you so kindly for the invitation to your Friday evening soiree. It is with deepest apologies, soberest regret, and widest emotions that I must inform you I will not be able to attend, however. Read More »
Cats are great. They're cute, they're cuddly, and they do funny things. But they're not as great as they could be. Until now, that is.
Do you have a cat? What does it do all day? Be honest, it doesn't do anything, does it? But what if it did EVERYTHING? Because that's what GoogleCat does. GoogleCat is everything your cat will never be. Read More »
Bruce Willis has two acting styles: 1) Being an indestructible hard ass, and 2) Kevin Costner. Bruce has bloodied and muddied wifebeaters, sustained repeated cuts beneath his left eye, and even seen a helicopter crash into a police car. All hallmarks of a true badass. But during a few points in his career, he's showed an inexplicably softer side. A side where he seems to coax Gruff Bruce into the background, and thrust Soft Bruce into the spotlight. Read More »
Prague, city of light, city of magic! The crown jewel of Eastern Europe, Prague has a long and storied history, full of strife and intrigue. The architecture is awe-inspiring. The people are kind and friendly. The cuisine is powerfully delectable. The post offices are a fucking nightmare. Read More »
There's this super neat thing we get to use to track page views and stuff called StatCounter. I love seeing the creepy search terms that lead people to things I've written here. When someone googles something especially weird, I add it to this list. I'm not sure what it says about me that "masturbate horses to make them run faster" leads to shit I've written, but okay. Incidentally, does that work? Now I'm curious enough to google it and suddenly my search history is 20% creepier. For the record, results are inconclusive enough that I'd put off rustling Seabiscuit's jimmies at least until a day when there's nothing good on TV. Read More »
It was 10 years ago and I had just graduated from NYU and returned to Colorado for one of my brothers' high school graduations. Seeing my immediate family excited me, but seeing my grandparents, uncles, and aunts really got me going. I knew they didn't have the time, money, or patience to fly to NYU for my graduation, so my brother and I kind of threw a joint graduation party. Read More »
It's recently come to my attention that North Korea is probably going to blow up the world pretty soon. And by the world, I mean America. Apparently it has something to do with some crazy fat guy with a bad haircut and a Disney fetish. Now I may not know much about global politics or hard news facts, but I do occasionally skim enough headlines to make uneducated, often childishly ignorant assumptions. I'd like to take a moment to share some of those with you. Read More »
Do you often become nervous right before taking a really big exam? Have you ever experienced anxiety during an important job interview that could potentially change the course of your entire life? Do feelings of annoyance creep up on you during moments of extremely heavy traffic when you're already late for work? Have you ever felt tired after working out in the gym for three and a half hours? Read More »
I will open this article with a disclaimer: DO NOT TAKE LEGAL ADVICE FROM A COMEDY WEBSITE OH MY GOD PLEASE DON'T EVER DO THAT.
With that out of the way, I would like to fill you in on a few legal matters that are worth noting for any discerning individual. Some are legal misconceptions, others are things that might land you in a prison cell next to a guy named Fuckmissile without you having any idea why. Read More »
Despite what fitness gurus, Dr. Oz, or that asshole at the office who daily tells you about his morning jog and is probably named Brad or Joe try telling you, almost every diet and exercise program is focused on increasing your caloric expenditure or reducing your caloric intake. The common logic across the pseudo-scientific, striated-muscled fitness world is that people who are fat just eat too much or are lazy. It's entirely their fault, they exercise too little, they claim glandular issues, their feet look disproportionately small, and every single one of them watches Shallow Hal twice a week. Read More »
Modern life is shite. It is almost universally accepted that things are not as good as they used to be. Nuclear war is ever imminent, terrorists keep trying to spoil our fun at national events, and any young girl under 16 doesn't stand a chance of not being sexually abused at least 3 times before she turns 20. Add to that the fact that you have an 87% chance of being stabbed on your way home from work every day; the constant reminder by our fat, coughing bodies that we all eat, drink, and smoke too much; mutated flu viruses threatening to wipe us out on a daily basis; and the ever present looming threat of the sun exploding just for the hell of it. But is it really so bad as the papers make it out to be? Read More »
You might have heard of the recent and original sci-fi drama Defiance from the internet or SyFy's fastidious marketing campaign or during sex with me because for a while it was all I was able to think about. And after finally getting around to watching the feature length pilot, a few things have struck me. Read More »
Hi there. My name is Brent Vanguard, CEO of Solutions, Inc., the highly profitable non-profit organization committed to improving the quality of life of your family, friends, pets, and casual acquaintances. We're here for your safety. The environment is a threat to that safety. Think about it—jungles filled with venomous things crawling and slithering through the darkness, just waiting for some hapless hippie nature lover to stumble across their path. Forests full of man-killing bears and wolves. And what about deserts and tundras? Forget it. Nature is not your friend. Would your friend try to kill you? Read More »
What is wrong with the world today? Do you feel it already? Let me tell you what's wrong: Everything! I don't even know where to start. Science? Inventions? Do you even remember the time when scientists were actually inventing something new? Remember the days when a single guy was able to come up with a light bulb concept? Read More »
Needless to say, when you bring a computer with you on a long trip, shove it in a backpack, and then proceed to treat that backpack with the type of dignity usually reserved for Guantanamo Bay prisoners, your computer probably isn't going to make it out wholly intact. Read More »
What makes a hero? Are they brave because they feel no fear, or is courage derived from feeling the fear but embracing it? The following fictional characters have elements of both I think. Though only a couple could possibly be called "super" in a supernatural sense, they all display a certain selflessness that sets them apart from the crowd. I've focused the spotlight on those British few, who I hope may demonstrate that you don't have to be able to fly, or even herald from this particular landmass, to be a hero. Read More »
First off, THIS HAPPENED.
That story is real. We did that. We sent a ship hurtling through space, dumped a dune buggy drone on a world millions of miles away, and etch-a-sketched a giant dong all over their stupid planet's face like it was passed out drunk at a frat party. We just vandalized their shit like it was the handicapped stall in a Burger King bathroom. Read More »
In recent times the internet has been swamped with rumors about the new Star Wars films. Every wannabe Jedi or Sith has thrown their blaster into the ring, furiously stating that it's their own personal favorite who deserves the spin-off treatment. Read More »
Alright New Pope, I guess you're here to stay. I've been holding off on writing this because I kept thinking it was a hoax and Old Pope would come back at any moment to resume his post. He'd say, "Just kidding, guys, I'm back, get this jerk-off outta my chair." You'd pull off your hat and admit that you were actually Arnie the janitor and we'd all have a good laugh. But nope, not the case. So I think it's time that you answered some of my questions. Read More »
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