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Geoffrey Asmus's picture

An Open Letter to the West Towne Mall Jeweler with the Same Last Name as Me

Dear West Towne Mall Jeweler with the Same Last Name,

You made returning my wedding ring a heartwarming experience.

When I spied your "Frederick Asmus" nametag I nearly dropped my Auntie Anne's Roasted Garlic & Parmesan pretzel out of joy. I knew you would want to hear my story. Read More »

Cole F.M.'s picture

The Clusterfuck Saga: How I Broke My Leg So Bad I Got Stuck in a German Hospital

Falling down the stairs caution sign

Hi, my name is Cole and I do stupid things, where doing stupid things can cause debilitating, lifelong injuries.

I always like to provide fun and amusing stories for my readers (how are you two doing, anyway?), but I have to admit, I always prefer it when the stories I tell are true. That twinge of realism really helps bring together those stories where I almost accidentally kill myself (via volcano), get held by armed guards, or kick lions in the dick for sport. Read More »

A.J. DiCosimo's picture

Will Your Death Amount to a Joke?

Grim reaper texting

A few weeks ago an old childhood friend of mine passed away. His name was Daryl, and we used to do everything together. That is, until a teacher caught us kissing in the boys room at school one afternoon. I was young and it didn't mean anything; I was just exploring a natural sexual curiosity. But when the principal found out, he was not happy. Read More »

Taylor Sade's picture

9 Obituaries That Reinforce Terrible Career Choices

Steve Jobs "Slide to Unlock" tombstone in graveyard

1. "Long John" Thomas Philips "Hardwood"

John Thomas Philips was born October 18, 1935 and passed away at on March 20, 2015, just as spring hormones were in bloom again. John, better known by his pseudonym "Long John Hardwood," worked diligently with dongs and thongs until he was 80 years old. He was a dedicated employee, working his way up from boom operator to director. He died on set a happy man. The devout Catholic's wake will be held at Pretty Kitty's strip club. Read More »

Bil Lepp's picture

Every Rollercoaster Line is Lying to You

Decrepid Fastpass Entrance sign

We went to one of those big amusement parks. I hate the act of standing in line at theme parks, but I do find the lines intriguing. While a team of engineers designed the rides, a team of social psychologists designed the lines. I'm not sure they are good social psychologists. If they were good psychologists their career paths might not include designing lines. Read More »

Nick Hilbourn's picture

Hip Hop Tips for Tax Season

Gold money sign bling on dollar bills

Have you thought about your taxes yet? Those naughty yearly deeds we all have to do each year?

For me it's difficult to forget, since it's the anniversary of the spring deadline for my literary magazine, Health Ink. If you're a writer like me, then I encourage you to apply. This year we're accepting recipes for any homeopathic remedies that use ingredients beginning with "H." My cousin has already submitted numerous recipes, although they were considered unacceptable because none of the recipes included actual ingredients; rather, they were nicknames for Jay-Z. Read More »

Simonne Cullen's picture

Help, Babies are Stealing My Friends!

Simonne Cullen looking away wistful

One day in the near future you will wake up and all of your friends will have babies. Facebook and Instagram will be flooded with baby pictures of small feet and tiny hands and first everythings. First teeth (cute), first smile (cuter), first living room diarrhea explosion (unfollow). You can do two things: join in for the swim, or drown every time you open Facebook again at the office. Read More »

Dustin Petzold's picture

Subversive McDonald's Employee Serves Breakfast at 11:02 AM

Egg White Delight at McDonald's

18-year-old Katie Lawrence sent a splash of hot oil through the fast food industry today when she fulfilled a customer's request for an Egg White Delight, even though breakfast service had ended two minutes earlier. Read More »

Luke Strickler's picture

6 Things Every Introvert Will Understand

Shy woman with hand in front of face

1. Needing Breaks After Socializing

What happened to you? You use to be so full of life, now all you do is scroll through Internet lists. Day in and Day out, you seem hell bent on finding out who 8 People in Your Philosophy Class are, What Movie Best Describes Your Sex Life, or even this... this clear clickbait, designed to say general things that'll make you feel like you're in a subgroup. To make you feel special. This is an intervention. Read More »

Thomas Sullivan's picture

The Red Phone Diaries

Red telephone in White House

The President-elect sits behind a large desk, staring intently at an intelligence briefing. She is alone. Suddenly, the red phone rings. The President jerks backwards, startled. She stares at the phone through two rings and then grabs the receiver.

"Yes, what is it?"

"Mrs. President, we have an urgent situation." Read More »

Charles Hartley's picture

Bruce Jenner's Sixth Grade Essay Reveals Life Goals

Bruce Jenner 8 years old

To my sixth grade teacher, Sister Mary Elephant, and classmates:

"What I Want to Be When I Grow Up"
By Bruce Jenner Read More »

Tim Sullivan's picture

How the Zombie Apocalypse Changed the Used Car Game

SUV with blood on front windshield

Good morning! I see you're looking at our selection of zombie-proofed vehicles. These certified ZUV's are very popular now and we've got quite a few nice ones in stock. Read More »

Lucas Hubbard's picture

An Honest Spotify Commercial Interlude

Spotify commercial interlude

Want a break from the ads?

Stop listening.

You know how long you've been playing this same goddamn DJ? I know he calls himself an artist, but come on. It's Pitbull. His idea of creativity is ripping a chart-topper from the 80's and adding a drum beat to it. He's a hack. Read More »

Elisa Abatsis's picture

A Letter from Your Hangover

Hungover baby with sunglasses and knit cap

Darling,

I apologize for my delayed arrival. I was hoping to be there when you woke up. But instead I sauntered in around noon, right after you finished that third cup of coffee. I could see you getting that strange, fervent knot in your stomach as I approached. You weren't expecting me, and for that I'm sorry. I really am. Read More »

Kerreanna DiMauro's picture

Drunk Playlist Generator (Just Add Vodka)

Absolut Disco vodka bottle

What's in a name? More specifically, what's in a performer's name? My iPod is one massive mega-playlist filled with hand-picked rock theatrics and badass girl power, creatively categorized ONLY by the singer/band names. That's right, I've configured my playlist according to wordplay generated from wildly-named music artists. Aha! It's true. I do it. How could it be? Hear me out. Read More »

Luke Pohjala's picture

A Magician's Legal Defense

Magician lawyer in a courtroom with a deck of cards

The plaintiff can ask all the questions they please, but I must apologize because I may not be able to answer every one of them. You see, I am a magician, and as we all know a magician never reveals his secret. I may be under oath here in this courtroom, but thirty years ago I took a much higher oath at Harry Houdini University, and I have no intentions of breaking that oath for another. Read More »

Charles Hartley's picture

Michael Phelps to Marry 19 Beauty Queens to Break Gold Medal Record

Michael Phelps with Miss California beauty queen

Even by homo sapien standards, Secretariat was a great athlete. Yes, he was a horse, but still. Recently I spoke with the 1973 Triple Crown winner. I sought his opinion on who he thought were the five greatest athletes of all-time. Read More »

Dustin Petzold's picture

Compounding Word Problems

Blonde woman grabbing her hair and pulling it out

Dave and his wife Janine have $0 in their primary savings account. At an interest rate of 0.05%, compounded quarterly, how much money will Dave and Janine save in a year?

Dave rates his self-confidence as a 4 out of 10. Janine tells Dave how ugly his new soul patch is, and his rating falls to a 2. By what percentage has Dave's self-confidence dropped? Read More »

Taylor Sade's picture

15 Green Objects Gearing Up For St. Patrick's Day

Green Statue of Liberty
  1. "St. Patrick's Day is basically our one day off a year. All year long we're changing colors, constantly trying to hide from others. On St. Patrick's Day we can walk the streets of, I don't know, let's just say New York, and simply be free. It's truly a blessed day for the faith of the Irish and the well-being of chameleons alike."
    -Chameleons
  2. Read More »
Luke Strickler's picture

Nine of Sherman's Lesser-Known Marches

William Sherman black white headshot

Sherman's March Back From the Sea

After a long, hearty march to end the war, Sherman and his men were disappointed, although understanding, of this equally long, less hearty march. Logically, they all knew it had to happen, but were still pretty bummed nonetheless.

Sherman's March Madness Read More »