As we all know, the internet wouldn't be possible without black magic and wishes, two of its core components. We know this because I painstakingly edited the first paragraphs of each Wikipedia entry for both Black Magic and Wish to say precisely this—only to have it ruined 20 minutes later by the Wikipedia patrol who advised me not to "experiment" on real entries. Note how much more accurate—and hilarious—my versions were. Read More »

Valentine's Day is quickly approaching, which means Steak and Blow Job Day is not too far away either. Let me be the first to say that I love giving blowjobs, mostly because it just amazes me that something so simple can make a guy so completely happy. Read More »

It's America's unofficial holiday (fuck you, Groundhog Day), the single good thing about February (seriously Groundhog Day, you can fuck right off), and the only day of the year where you can get openly drunk on a Sunday night and not face the possibility of a lawsuit, pink slip, or intervention on Monday. The Lord's Day? Not this February 7th, it isn't. No, it's Super Bowl Sunday! Read More »

This is my poem for you.

You left me.

I loved you.

I loved you as the wind blows in the trees and as a duck floats on a pond. Our love was real. Our love was true. Our love was like a cat that had ample milk to drink in a bowl of purity.

Then there was her. Read More »

In the wake of the USC Trojans' first absence from the Rose Bowl in five years, and during a continuous need for better sex education and an even more continuous need for more sports on TV, the time has come for a professional sports league that not only has big games on weeknights, but a league that also sends a positive message throughout the rest of the week while other sports may otherwise Read More »

The following is a test. Read the story below and answer three questions at the end. You will then be told whether you may send a sample TV script to the William Morris Agency. Read More »