Look, You’re Pivoting on My Narrative
It's as if to be part of the intelligentsia you have to say "look" before making your point. Look at what? Look where? You're a jerk.
Learn to Stop Procrastinating at The Cuddles Institute for Pathetic Psychology
Here at Cuddles, we promise that your adverse reactions to negative consequences will be so traumatizing, you'll never procrastinate again.
Build-A-Bum: Empowering the Homeless Through Capitalism
New Business magazine interviews Ethan Wanker, the 23-year-old founder of Build-A-Bum, an innovative company raising up millions of the destitute and homeless.
Just Because I’m a Badass Kween Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Care What the Peasants are Saying About Me
Despite the power a Badass Kween may have, the gossip of a village still stings. Stop being such backstabbing dicks, you guys.
8 Things Every Voice in My Head Knows to Be True
If you’re one of the myriad auditory hallucinations that plague me day and night, you know these things all too well.
The Crab Apples are Disrupting Music to Its Pretentious Core
David Peterson, The Crab Apples iconic lead singer, is a walking, talking contradiction. He is ignoring all his influences and pursing a psychedelic folksy revolution.
Seriously, Why Do Humans Only Have Five Senses?
In theory there could be infinite ways to experience a given object, but we are limited to just five. Sup with that?
I Got Caught in the Big Production Number of a Musical and It Ruined My Life
I tried to make my way to the subway stairs through the dizzying, sensual mess of choreography, but I couldn't escape the nightmare scene.
The Beauty of Bad Breath
You've discovered it's not so unpleasant and disturbing to wake up in the middle of the night with last night's dinner still percolating in your mouth.
5 Mind-Bending Pieces of Art That Will Make You All Like, “What the Fuck is Going On Here?”
If you've ever looked at a picture or painting and thought to yourself "Well now, that just can't be right...." and then trailed off in thought with your head cocked to the side, this article is for you.
10 Fast Food Items That Could End Your Life
A partial list of deadly menu items being added by fast food chains everywhere, as catalogued by the Department of Homeland Security.
Hey, Have You Heard About Sushis?
Have you heard about sushis yet? It's the hottest new food trend, served cold and eaten with chopsticks. Stranger than that, it’s actually made of raw fish.
Pete’s Wood Employee of the Month: Mr. Hymen Clit
Mr. Hymen Clit serves as custodian here at Pete's Wood, the only lumber furniture factory utilizing only the biggest and hardest wood for superior furniture.
Six Reasons I Can’t Handle Your Compliments
If you have something nice to say to me, I beg you to reconsider—I just can't handle that kind of loaded pressure.
To Be Published Upon Gene Shalit’s Passing
The esteemed critic consistently sported a trademark Shalitfro/moustache/spectacles combo, and was a staple figure on the TODAY show.
The REAL Ultimate Guide to Making Adult Friends
Making adult friends can be difficult. But I've broken the process down into six easy steps that will catapult you into social butterfly status before you even know it!
10 Easy Ways to Get Back at Your Annoying Neighbors
Ten fun revenge tactics to let your un-neighborly neighbors know that "what goes around, comes around."
9 Ways to Get Over Your Ex (Literally)
If you've ever been dumped, ignore the barrage of meaningless drivel about how to get over an ex. Here's how to really do it.