Taking over a planet isn't easy. If it was, super villains across the universe wouldn't be getting regularly defeated by everyone from James Bond to the Gummi Bears. It is for this reason, then, that everyone with a thirst for world domination needs a good right-hand man. This is the second in command who rallies the troops, acts as the top henchman, and steps out to get the head-honcho a double burrito combo from Taco Bell if they're coming off a bender from the night before. Read More »

I am constantly hounded by people asking me questions that begin with the line, "Did you know..." followed by some small fact about a movie, musician, celebrity, or food product which I either already knew or didn't care about. What annoys me most is the smug expression on their faces when they tell me that margarine is actually the same color as lard but has coloring added to it to make it look more appetizing and butter-like. Since when did I go around with a badge on saying, "Tell me something about margarine?" Read More »

Back in early 2007 America was a more peaceful place, untouched by the 2008 recession or the Kardashian plague. Ahhh, the simpler days when our only competitors were the whitebread picket-fencers known as the Joneses. Read More »

Take your half-finished Sudokus and throw them away. Numbers and logic won't help you where you're going. Take your word jumbles and your word scrambles and make confetti. You'll need confetti where you're going. Take your crosswords out of the glove box, fill in all the boxes with "Not Today," ‘cause guess when you're doing those crosswords? Today? Read More »

Robots are cool. Unfortunately, pretty soon they'll be able to make mincemeat out of your pansy ass. You think the Terminator was a badass? That pussy couldn't even go back in time and "terminate" his own illegitimate child. I'm talking about drug lord-burning, Pakistani kid-frying, "oh hey innocent Afghani civilian, sorry didn't see ya there"-roasting fuckin' robots. Read More »

We'll all face the hard times of living with a crazy roommate at some point in our lives. Maybe it's somebody who gets on your nerves, or somebody with ridiculous habits. It might even be somebody loud, who speaks in a Mickey Mouse voice constantly and screams at every single game on television no matter the sport. That's who I live with. Read More »

« Back to Part 1

If you were to ever translate the rules of the game "Punch Buggy" to "Tool Spotting," you'd probably have a lot of dudes walking around with bruised arms. The concentration would probably be highest in areas around urban clubs and suburban lacrosse fields. Tools are all around us, and most of us are tools to a certain extent. Some of us are partial tools, some of us fade in and out of toolism, and some of us—well maybe more than some—are just full-blown tools. Of course, a full-blown tool never thinks he's a full-blown tool, since this is a subjective affliction (although he may even ironically wear graphic tees labeled "Affliction"). Read More »

Your help is needed. Today, you have the opportunity to make a difference in somebody's life. Please read the following story all the way through, and you will see why. Read More »