The Snippets Huff Gas

Me: Hey do you think you can help me move?
Scott: No.
Me: I won’t need much help.
Scott: Where you moving to?
Me: Next door.
Scott: You know, that move probably won’t provide much of a change of scenery.
Me: I don’t know dude. Sometimes there’s a whole new world next door.
Scott: Have you been huffing paint?

Ty: Why’d you and your girl break up?
Me: I’m tired of talking about it.
Ty: Say it quickly.
Me: She got upset because I refused to let her shove certain items up my ass.
Ty: So like… what did you allow up your ass?

Jamie: You’re covered in sweat.
Me: I just worked out.
Jamie: You look all sweaty.
Me: I just worked out.
Jamie: Do you always sweat like that when you work out?
Me: No. On my leg day I actually sweat through my eyelids.
Jamie: What’s a leg day?
Me: Please end this conversation as quickly as possible.
Jamie: Huh?

Lisa: Where is everybody?
Me: Have you ever noticed that no one says hello anymore?
Lisa: Seriously, where is everybody?
Me: What happened to common courtesy?
Lisa: Where is everybody, Nate?
Me: I’m not answering you until you extend me some courtesy.
Lisa: I’m about to extend my foot into your balls.
Me: Lunch, day off and meeting.
Lisa: Was that so hard?
Me: You’re welcome.

Dave: Hate brings people together.
Me: You mean a common enemy.
Dave: What?
Me: A common enemy brings people together.
Dave: How about we compromise. Let’s say that hatred of a common enemy brings people together.
Me: I mean, we could say that but—
Dave: Too late. The judge decrees it is so.
Me: What judge?
Dave: The judge… the little space frog that lives… in my ear.
Me: Seriously, is there some new drug that everyone’s on lately?

Main: Why are you moving next door?
Me: There's a mold problem in my apartment.
Main: Damn Nate, I knew you were a slob but I didn't think it was that bad.
Me: You ever consider being a comedian?
Main: No.
Me: Good.

The Snippets Cut Out the Ice Cream

Dave: So how you handling the breakup?
Me: I’m good. Gets easier every day and all that.
Dave: Yeah, you’ll bounce back. It’s not like you have all that many feelings.
Me: I do have some.
Dave: Yeah, but you sound like you just found that out.
Me: You’re… you’re probably right.

Jamie: You look good.
Me: Yeah, I’ve got no car so I’ve been walking a lot lately, getting some sun and all that. And the girl bailed so I have no ride and I’ve been kicking it back up in the gym.
Jamie: Well that’s cool. Way to turn a negative into a positive.
Me: They can take my car and they can take my girl but they can’t take my abs.
Jamie: Or your butt.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Jamie: Your abs suck compared to your butt.
Me: So, I should target the abs more?
Jamie: What do I care? I just like looking at your butt.
Me: Your husband is a lucky guy, you know that?
Jamie: I do. And most importantly, so does he.
Me: Make sure to tell him how jealous I am.
Jamie: Make sure to keep up with the squats.
Me: You’re the best, Jamie.
Jamie: You’re damn right.

James: How’s your girlfriend?
Me: We broke up.
James: That sucks man. She’s hot.
Me: Thanks James.
James: So what happened?
Me: What the fuck do you care?
James: I’m a caring person, Nate.
Me: Funny, I never noticed.
James: It’s not that funny.

Tony: I been thinking about opening up an ice cream shop.
Bay: I been thinking about eating an ice cream bar.
Me: My thoughts have nothing to do with ice cream at this time.
Tony: Well then, feel free to leave.
Bay: Oh and dude, bring us back some ice cream…

Tim: So why’d y’all break up?
Me: I’m not really sure.
Tim: How’s that?
Me: Well, she has her reasons but she didn’t really figure them out until after the break up and I have what I think are the real reasons but she denies them but then again, she probably should, because they’re pretty selfish reasons but in the end—
Tim: Dude, forget I asked.

Erica: And how’s the girlfriend?
Me: We broke up.
Erica: Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll be fine.
Me: Why is everyone so sure about that?
Erica: Listen to you. Like it’s so hard being good looking and charming. Why do you think? Come on, I’m sure you’re vainer than that.
Me: You’re right. I am.
Erica: There’s that cocky, lopsided smile. You’ll be yourself again in two, three weeks tops. Right back to sleeping with random women and forgetting their names, just like the Nate we all know and love.
Me: What’s sad is, I think this conversation is actually helping.

The Snippets Screw Politics

Jake: What do you think about this Jeremiah Wright business?
Me: I think I’m surprised you’re following politics.
Jake: I got a girlfriend.
Me: I once ate a ninety ounce steak—what the hell are we talking about anyway?
Jake: My girl’s into politics so I have to act like I am.
Me: Why do you have to act like you’re something you're not?
Jake: Because, quite frankly my young paduan, she is out of my league.
Me: Fair enough.

Jake: So anyway, my girl’ll be here in a little bit. You got any viewpoints for me.
Me: Sure, I guess. Turn your brain on and try to keep all this in, okay?
Jake [moves beer away from hands]: I’m ready.
Me: That’s how you get ready to think? You move away the beer?
Jake: We all have our methods, man. Even Method Man.
Me: That was bad.

Me: Okay, so from a political standpoint this is bad for Obama because his incredibly polarizing and aged pastor has a tendency to believe that any attack on him is an attack on all black people and smart black people (smart people in general, actually) respect their individualism and don’t like being lumped into a group based on one simple similarity. By representing all black people as being tied into his extremism, Wright is taking some black votes from Obama while simultaneously scaring away the white vote. Of course, lost in all of this is whether or not he’d make the best president or whether we just want to hurry up and elect a black president. You still with me?
Jake: No.
Me: Which word didn’t you understand?
Jake: I think you lost me at polarizing.

Me: Okay, try this on for size: The central issue surrounding Wright is whether or not Obama’s pastor is representative of Obama’s thought process.
Jake: Is he?
Me: I doubt it.
Jake: But you don’t know?
Me: Of course I don’t know. I’ve never met Obama.
Jake: But that’s the confusing part, right? That’s an issue my girl and I can debate for hours and not get anywhere?
Me: Absolutely.
Jake: So I can bullshit it and still look smart?
Me: Sure.
Jake: Good, ‘cause here she comes.

Anna: Hey Jake, I didn’t know you knew Nate. Hi, Nate.
Jake: Do I want to know how you two know each other?
Me: I’m leaving.
Anna: Oh come on, we’re all adults here.
Me: Bye.
Anna: Chicken.

Jake: So I have to know dude, did you have sex with my girlfriend?
Me: Maybe a few years ago.
Jake: Maybe a few years ago or definitely a few years ago?
Me: I don’t want to talk about this.
Jake: Yeah, well I don’t want to see your smug ass face when I fuck my girl.
Me: Try doggy style.
Jake: I fucking hate you.

The Snippets Emailed India

Lila: You’re drunk.
Me: How can you tell?
Kris: She’s met you before.
Lila: I can tell when you’re drunk by your eyes.
Kris: I can tell when you’re drunk by your presence.
Me: Kris, you’re not helping.

Me: Do you think Falls Liquor will have ice?
Lila: I’m sure they will. They’re a liquor store.
Me: Well, as long as you’re sure.

Me: Do you have bags of ice?
Mike the Liquor Store Guy: Of course we do, Nate. This is a fucking liquor store you dumbass.
Me: That’s what Lila said. Only without all the profanity.
Mike: Have a great fucking day you fuck.
Me: Thanks Mike.

Me: Do you think I cuss too much?
Rip: For who?
Me: Does it matter?
Rip: Of course it matters. You cuss way too much for children and women, but not too much for sailors and construction workers.
Me: There’s a lot in between there.
Rip: Yeah, well take the rest of it on a case by case basis, fucker.
Me: Fuck you.

Kev: Why isn’t your column up yet?
Me: Court’s driving back from Huntsville right now.
Kev: So my ability to be entertained by a website is hindered by some punk’s travel plans?
Me: Pretty much.
Kev: That sucks.
Me: The internet, she’s a strange place.

Me: Check out this email I got. I’ve never gotten such an interesting piece of fan mail before.

Lila [reading]:

“Hello Nate this is Steven here from Mumbai, India. I have been reading
pic and your stuff for the last 5-6 months and think its finally time
to let you that i like reading ur shit. It would have easier to post a
comment in one of ur blogs but i have till date read pic only on my
cell phone using a wap connection and for some stupid reason i cant
post a comment using my cell phone. But i can send email though using my phone and its a bitch to text all this in. I first stumbled upon pic on one boring train journey to college when i was googling "how to get
laid"(its though to get laid in India) and ended up reading ur i guess
famous column on why u get laid and i don’t. Since then I’ve read most
of ur columns and a lot of ur blogs and it provides me some good
entertainment on a 1 hour train trip to college. I like when u write
about sex and how to deal with women(or at least used to write about
all that)coz it just seems like something ur really good at. Surprising
as it may sound one of my favourites is the investment coroner. It’s
the only economy based column I’ve read which doesn’t take much effort to read. All the stuff in the papers make me wanna cry for some
reason. Its good for me to know about America’s economy coz it pretty
much decides what’s the mood here in India. Although I don’t invest
yet(no money) i plan to start next year. I also like ur other writings
where u give out random advice. If ur wondering what its like for a 19
year old middle class guy growing up in India well its sucks. But on
the bright side the weed here is cheap. It comes up to 1 dollar for
about 6 joints worth of stuff. If there ever is a future commodities
for weed I’ll be there coz it was cheaper earlier. Do you still smoke
up? And please let me know the price of weed if u reply, I’m just kinda
curious. I also remember reading a few of ur blogs about a book u were
writing. What happened? Just to let u know if u do write a book and if
it is there illegally on the net i wud totally download and read it 4
free. that’s all my textin thumbs are getin numb.”

Lila: That guy must spend a lot of time bored on that train.
Me: Thanks, Honey.
Lila: No problem, Baby.

The Snippets Met Jack

Random Guy Sitting Next to me at the Bar: You get the idea?
Me: We weren’t talking.
RGSNB: Who was I talking to, then?
Me: I don’t know.
RGSNB: You’re not much help.

RGSNB: Hey man, you want to hear the idea?
Me: What’s your name?
RGSNB: My name. My name? Why you wanta know my name?
Me: I don’t trust a man who can’t tell me his name.
RGSNB: You see I’m smiling?
Me: Yeah.
RGSNB: That’s ‘cause I like you.
Me: Great.
RGSNB: Jack. My name is jack.
Me: Hi, Jack. I’m Nate. Nice to meet you. Now, what’s this idea you were talkin’ about?
Jack: Man. I don’t fucking remember anymore. You’re a confusing brother, you know that?
Me: Sadly, yes.

Jack: Oh, I remember.
Me: Remember what?
Jack: The idea.
Me: What was the idea, Jack?
Jack: It was for you to tell me where the bitches at?
Me: Follow the money, Jack. Follow the money.
Jack: Man, I knew I liked you.

Jack: Let me ask you a question.
Me: I ain’t stopped you yet.
Jack: You got a girlfriend?
Me: You see that’s more than one question.
Jack: No it ain’t. You seem like a smart guy but I’m pretty sure I counted myself asking you only one question.
Me: The answer always leads into other questions, though.
Jack: No it doesn’t. Just answer it.
Me: Fucking, okay dude. Yes, I have a girlfriend.
Jack: What’s she like?
Me: That’s another question.
Jack: Yeah, but just one.
Me: Save that shit for the tourists, man. The locals ain’t buying.
Jack: Man, I knew I liked you.

Jack: You ever wonder why it is that don’t no one give a shit about anyone else?
Me: Nope.
Jack: Why not?
Me: Why should I?
Jack” ‘Cause it’s the only way we’re ever gonna find peace and love, brother.
Me: Are you hitting on me?
Jack: No. No. I ain’t hitting on. But I do like you though. And I have been drinking…
Me: You touch me and I yell rape.

Amber: Who the hell was that dude?
Me: That was Jack.
Amber: Jack tips like shit.
Me: Maybe, but I’m sure he likes you.
Amber: Like I give a shit.

The Snippets True Dat

Sebastian: Dude, this is awesome. I mean, I knew you lived in Tampa but I never thought I'd meet you so soon.
Mark: You two know mutual friends or something?
Sebastian: No, I read his column.
Mark: Oh yeah, Case in Points.
Me: Points in Case.
Mark: Whatever.

Tony: I want everyone to understand that Kansas will beat Memphis.
Me: How do you know?
Tony: Because I bet five hundred bucks on them.
Me: I don't think you quite understand cause and effect.

Sebastian: You ever read Nate's column and blogs?
Scotty: Nope.
Sebastian: Why not?
Scotty: I guess I get enough of him in real life.
Sebastian: Man, he's really funny. He once wrote this five part thing on strip clubs, and it was really great because you could tell that he was really serious about how much he loves them.
Scotty: Sebastian, we're all serious about how much we love them.
Mark: True dat.
Me: Shit Scotty, you scored a true dat from Mark. That's awesome.
Scotty: Sure is.
Me: I love a good true dat.
Mark: True dat!
Me: Fuck yeah.
Sebastian: You really are a lot like your writing.

Erin: Those snippet things you write are deceptively simple.
Me: What a coincidence. So am I.

Sebastian: So, you think I'll be in a snippet?
Me: Say something funny right now.
Sebastian: I once fucked a woman who was technically a grandma.
Me: That'll work.

Dave: Did you really just tell the hot, Swedish chick that you have a girlfriend after she asked you out?
Me: Yes I did.
Dave: No you didn't.
Me: Yes I did.
Dave: No you didn't. You see, because if I knew any man, married or otherwise, that did that, I would have to kill him and yet you're still alive. So you didn't.
Me: Fair enough.
Dave: You're welcome.
Me: But I did.
Dave: I'll fucking kill you.

Scotty: It must be awesome to be a celebrity.
Me: I'm beyond broke, my car's dead, and I'm pretty sure my apartment is growing mushrooms while we speak.
Scotty: Yeah, but people know you.
Me: Three people have recognized me in four years.
Scotty: So what? The only people who recognize me are my ex-wife and my bill collectors.
Me: Don't forget your bartenders.
Scotty: Oh yeah. I almost forgot the most important people in my life.

The Snippets Love Feet

Mark: Hey Nate, have you ever had anyone give you a handjob with their feet before?
Me: You mean a foot job?
Mark: Yeah.
Me: Like when a chick uses her feet to jerk you off?
Mark: Yeah.
Me: No. Why do you ask?
Mark: Just seems like something you'd have experienced.
Me: How so?
Mark: Well, it's kind of fucked up.
Scotty: And you're kind of fucked up.
Main: Really fucked up.
Mark: So you know... I just kind of figured.
Me: Fuck you.
Scotty: With or without socks?

Scotty: You know what's funny?
Me: Midgets.
Mark: Car accidents.
Steve: Dead clowns.
Scotty: All right, let me rephrase. The funniest thing happened to me the other day...
Me: You killed a midget clown in a car accident?
Scotty: I fucking hate you guys.

Me: If Davidson wins this game, I'll take off all my clothes and dance on the bar.
Steve: I changed my mind. Go Kansas.

Dave: I'm getting tired of radio DJ wars.
Me: I'm getting tired of wars.
Dirk: Oh yeah, well I'm tired of DJs.
Me: Uhh... okay.

Scotty: If I were a midget clown, I'd probably drink a lot.
Me: You do drink a lot.
Scotty: I'd drink a lot more.
Me: No you wouldn't.
Scotty: Why not?
Me: You'd be like, a hundred pounds lighter at least.
Scotty: Oh yeah... Science. I didn't know you knew anything about that.
Me: Occasionally I get lucky.
Scotty: Now that explains the girlfriend.

Me: I know you're mad at me.
Lila: What tipped you off?
Me: I think it was when you told me not to question you and to shut my mouth.
Lila: You are a quick one.

Me: I'm outta here, fellas?
Scotty: Where the fuck you going?
Me: To get a foot job.
Mark: Yeah, let me know what that's like. I've heard a lot about them but I don't know if I want to try it, you know?
Me, Scotty and Steve: [staring blankly in disbelief]
Mark: What? It could be interesting.
Me: So could HIV, but I ain't lining up for that.
Mark: I don't think you can get that from a foot job.
Me: God, I hope you're right.

The Snippets Love Coasters

Eric: How's your bracket looking?
Me: Like it got beat up by 1984's Mike Tyson. Yours?
Eric: Bad. I ain't much for boxing, but believe me, it's bad.

Steve: Why aren't you at work?
Me: Market's closed and Madness is on. Why aren't you at work?
Steve: I got fired.
Me: Again.
Steve: But this time it wasn't my fault.
Me: How so?
Steve: You see, I got this really shitty alarm clock...
Me: Save it. Save it. You lazy bitch.

Steve: You don't even want to hear about my alarm clock?
Me: I cannot tell you in mere words how much I do not want to hear about your alarm clock.
Steve: Some friend you are.
Me: It's a tough economy to be looking for a job.
Steve: That's why I'm gonna look for handouts instead.
Me: Excuse me?
Steve: I am eligible for unemployment. I love this country.
Me: No offense, hoss, but about the only thing you're eligible for is unemployment.
Steve: Your mom.

Me: You're leaving already?
Aaron: Yeah, Bri's coming to pick me up.
Me: I thought you were in Tampa 'till Saturday.
Aaron: Dude, your girlfriend threatened my life.
Me: So what? She likes you. Besides, she threatens mine all the time. What'd she say anyway?
Aaron: Said that if I interrupted her sex life, she'd kill me.
Me: She was just joking.
Aaron: She said it three times. And really loud.
Me: She does value her sex life...

Me: Aaron left because you threatened his life.
Lila: Oh no. I was so mean to him and I feel so bad. Are you mad at me?
Me: What do I care? I think it's hilarious.
Lila: Oh, I was such a bitch. I'm so sorry.
Me: Look on the bright side?
Lila: What?
Me: You scared off a two hundred pound dude without even using a weapon. That's funny. I don't care who you are.
Lila: Shut up.
Me: Don't hurt me, now. I'm fragile.

Dave: What's your woman like in bed?
Me: You ever been in a dead sleep and had your woman jump on top of you, use all her weight to pull you over and force you into sex?
Dave: Sure.
Me: That's what it's like if I'm asleep when she gets home.
Dave: Nice.
Me: And a little frightening.
Dave: But that just adds to the fun. Like adding a dead body to a roller coaster.
Me: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Steve: If I were really hot, I could just coast through life on my looks.
Me: How would you do that?
Steve: Marry a rich ugly woman.
Me: But she'd be ugly.
Steve: Fuck it, all I get are ugly women anyway. It ain't that bad.
Me: If you say so.
Steve: Go wipe your ass with that smirk, Blondie.
Me: [singing] Friday morning looks sunny and bright, like it's gonna be a good day...
Steve: Don't even, dude.
Me: [still singing] And it would be if only you had a job.
Steve: I hate you.
Me: Next round's on me.
Steve: I love you.

The Snippets of David

Dave: My god would kick your god’s ass.
Steve: That’s impossible. My god is omnipotent.
Dave: Yeah… well mine is omnipotenter.
Steve: Nate, I’m gonna need a ruling on that one.
Me: Not only is omnipotenter not a word, it wouldn’t make sense if it was one.
Dave: Fine, my god is also omnipotent. But he’d still beat your god up.
Steve: Nate?
Me: I have lost the course of this conversation.
Steve: Fuck you and your god, Dave.
Dave: Arm wrestle you for it?
Steve: Deal.

Emily: Why are they arm wrestling?
Me: Funny story. You see, Dave is Jewish and Steve is Catholic but neither of them actually practice their faiths or study their respective religious literature and as a result, they think they have different gods.
Emily: So?
Me: So they were arguing about whose god was more badass and they couldn’t come to a conclusion because there isn’t one so they decided to arm wrestle to prove whose god is the most badass.
Emily: I don’t get it.
Me: Which part?
Emily: All of it.
Me: Good for you. Congratulations, you have a brain.
Emily: I guess.
Me: Good guess.
Emily: Huh?

Dave: Sit down, bitch.
Steve: You dirty, steroid sucking Jew.
Dave: Stay away from the Jewish athlete, Steve. We’re the pride of our people.
Me: What sport do you play, Dave?
Dave: Intramural football.
Steve: For a Jew, that counts.
Dave: Did I say you could talk, Noodle Arm?
Me: Oh shit.

Steve: Left handed?
Dave: Left fucking handed you little gentile punk.

Emily: Now why are they arm wrestling?
Me: They want to try the other arm.
Emily: Why?
Me: I think Steve’s left handed.

Steve: Take that Super Jew. I am your kike kryptonite.
Dave: Bullshit. You’re just left handed.
Steve: And you are clearly… uh… beat at arm wrestling.
Dave: How witty.
Steve: Whatever, penny pincher. We’re tied.
Dave: What should we use for a tie breaker?
Emily: Spelling contest?
Steve: I can’t even spell, spelling contest.

Dave: Hey, Lion Food.
Steve: What up, Dirty Jew.
Dave: Thumb war?
Steve: Thumb war!

Emily: You can’t be serious.
Me: I’m serious. We’ll be back from the walk-in clinic in a few.
Emily: I just don’t see how he managed to break his pinky in a thumb war.
Steve: That’s ‘cause you don’t know how I roll and you never will ‘cause I kill all the bastards who be thinking that my drinking be sinking the ship that’s winking and crinkling like a shirt that… something inkling of my… ahh.
Me: Thank god you had those pain killers, Em.
Emily: Don’t leave home without ‘em.

Langerado Snippets

Ben: The label on these pills say that they can be taken with or without food.
Me: It sure does.
Ben: But isn’t that kind of pointless? I mean, couldn’t you put any noun in there and have the same meaning?
Me: I guess.
Ben: These pills can be taken with or without drum sets.

Taneel: Do you think REM will play Stand?
Wendy: I don’t know. Do you think they’ll play Shiny Happy People?
Ben: I think they’ll play while I’m asleep in the RV because fuck them.
Nick: Take that, REM.

Ben: Nate, do you remember insulting that huge, fat chick?
Me: You’re gonna have to be more specific.
Ben: You don’t remember? That three hundred fifty pound chick walked by eating an ice cream cone and you yelled at her, ‘Do you really need that?'
Taneel: That is so cruel.
Me: Not as cruel as being forced to eye that behemoth.

Me: What did your dad do for a living?
Nick: He was a cardiologist.
Me: I could have been a cardiologist but I didn’t want to.
Nick: Keep telling yourself that, Nate.

Ben: Liz, did you know that Daylight’s Savings Time doesn’t kick in until 2 AM?
Liz: Why do they do it at two? Why not one?
Ben: Because… they uh, tried it at one and it didn’t work.
Liz: Why not?
Ben: There were… uh… complications in the space-time continuum.
Liz: What?
Ben: Exactly.

Ben: I don’t think I could have gone to Berkeley.
Me: Why not?
Ben: I’m just not an activist. I’m more of an in-activist. People would be all like, ‘We’re gonna go save the whales’ and I’d be all like, ‘I’m gonna save my ass on this couch.’
Me: I don’t think political activism is a requirement for the University of California.
Ben: Just shows how little you know, Nate. How little you know…

Me: These pills can be taken with or without an orgasm.
Nick: These pills can be taken with or without a pole in your ass.
Ben: With or without a hot bucket of snot.
Me: It’s not as funny as when it started.
Ben: Nothing ever is.

Ben: Do you and your girlfriend ever have like an activity night?
Me: I mean, we fuck a lot.
Ben: That’s not what I mean. Like, one night, me and my girlfriend had this activity to make bookmarks for ourselves.
Me: Bookmarks are nonsensical and elitist.
Ben: Okay. Whatever. But do you ever do stuff like that?
Me: We go out to dinner and we fuck and we play with her birds and we… drink and we… watch television and we… that’s about it.
Ben: Yeah, me and my girl made buttons once.
Me: I’m going to sleep now.

Taneel: Are you and your girlfriend at the “I love you” stage yet.
Me: Isn’t that where Arrested Development is playing?

Taneel: Seriously Nate, do you guys say ‘I love you’?
Me: I’m pretty sure we say it in bed.
Nick: He’s all like, ‘I love you. Right now, I love you. Later, I’m gonna love this sandwich, then I’m gonna love you to shut up while I watch this Cardinals’ game.’
Me: Man, you paint a beautiful picture.

MCA: I got more rhymes than I got gray hairs and that’s a lot because I got my share!
Taneel: He must REALLY have a lot of rhymes.

Me: I just want a plate of beef.
Vendor: You don’t want a fajita?
Me: Nope. Just a plate of beef.
Vendor: No veggies?
Me: A plate of beef.
Vendor: You want it you got it, pal.
Me: Awesome.

Ben: Is that a plate of beef?
Me: That’s none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.
Ben: Who orders a plate of beef?
Me: I do, that’s who.
Ben: You’re… you’re a weird guy, Ace.
Me: Thank you very much.

Me: Wow. That was such a great show, I feel like I should apologize to Arrested Development for everything I said about them.
Ben: Me too, actually.
Nick: I take back everything I ever said about Mr. Wendell.
Me: Sorry, Wendell.
Ben: Yeah Wendell. That’s our bad.

Nick: Someone needs to drive this RV for a while.
Me: I’ll do it.
Nick: Preferably someone who hasn’t been swimming in rum for the last few hours.
Me: Bigot.

Lila: How was your trip? Were you a good boy?
Me: Yes I was.
Lila: And no cute girls hit on you?
Me: I went five days without showering.
Lila: Well, that’ll do it.

The Snippets Have no Excuse

Me: This is Nathan.
Brad: Nate dog. What is up?
Me: Brad, how’s life in St. Louis?
Brad: It’s cold and blizzardy and wintery and frosty with a touch of shivery.
Me: That sounds horrible.
Brad: Yeah. That’s why I’m in Tampa. What you doing tonight?

Frank: You play poker?
Dave: Does a pope shit on a bear?
Frank: No.
Dave: Do chickens roost where they fry?
Frank: Huh?

Frank: Hey, I’m bringing back poker night.
Me: That’s very nice of you. I miss poking her.
Frank: You’re the third dude to use that joke tonight.
Me: Fuck, and I thought I was funny.
Frank: There’s always the mirror.

Frank: So anyway, you gonna play on Fridays?
Me: Probably not. I’ve been losing my money the old fashion way lately.
Frank: Stock market?
Me: Girlfriend.
Frank: Ah.

Jake: Where the fuck you been?
Me: Dude, I got umpiring, I’m slammed at work, I got the girlfriend… life is busy.
Jake: Not for me.
Me: Why not?
Jake: Because dude, I got the unemployment, I stay with my parents, I got the Play Station… life is lazy.
Me: Fair enough.

Coach Carter: Hey Nate, what’s new in the world?
Me: The government pulled the caps off Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. Their stocks went up ten percent. Oh, and the dollar reached an all time low.
Coach Carter: Next time, just say ‘not much’ or something. I wasn’t asking so much as just saying hello.
Me: Then just say hello.
Coach Carter: Good to have you back, Blue.

Me: Great, he finally did it.
Dave: Did what?
Me: I was late with the snippets again so Haggard wrote that I was dead.
Dave: Now that’s a topic I can get behind.
Me: I don’t like you. Not in the slightest.
Dave: And I don’t really care. Not in the slightest.

On Time with the Snippets this Time

Me: What did you think about the investment piece I wrote?
Court: It was… surprisingly informative.
Me: What the fuck was surprising about it?
Court: I mean, I’m sure you’re good at your job. I just don’t think our readers equate the kind of work you do with your kind of writing.
Me: So work in some more dick jokes?
Court: I… ummm… whatever, man.

Lila: I can’t fucking believe this.
Me: What? So your new bird likes me a little.
Lila: A little? The fucking thing has a crush on you. And now I’m mad at you for being so cute around the bird and I feel like telling the bird that she better stay away from my boyfriend or I’m gonna fuck her up. I cannot believe this.
Me: It’s like we’re trapped in some really bad bestiality-bird comedy.
Lila: I hate you.
Me: I didn’t even do anything.
Lila: That makes it worse.
Me: How?
Lila: Shut up.
Me: Good point.

David: Wow, that is one talented girl.
Lynne How so? Oh… you’re just saying that because she’s hot.
David: Not really. I’m just saying that because she has talent.
Lynne: At what?
David: Not what. Where?
Lynne: What?
David: Where.
Me: He means she has a talented chest. She is talented in the chest area.
Lynne: Yeah, well she bought that talent.
Me: In this age of performance enhancing drugs, who can really say for sure?
Lynne: You’re incredible, you know that?
Me: Who told you?

Steve: What’d you get her for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Two boxes of her favorite chocolates.
Steve: What’d she get you?
Me: A steak, some blueberries, and a banana tree.
Steve: That’s cool. Wait, where the fuck are you gonna plant a banana tree?
Me: It’s not like that. It’s a wooden thing you can hang bananas from.
Steve: Why would you want to do that?
Me: ‘Cause your girlfriend bought you a banana tree.
Steve: This fucking country still has way too much money.

Oscar: You ever been skydiving?
Me: Yes.
Oscar: Did you like it?
Me: Loved it.
Oscar: Would you do it again?
Me: Sure.
Oscar: Would you go pretend that you’re me and do it?
Me: Who would I have to fool?
Oscar: My wife.
Me: You’re twenty years older than me, you have gray hair, your three inches shorter than me and you still got about fifty pounds on me.
Oscar: Absolutely. If that switch doesn’t make her happy, what will?
Me: I don’t know. Maybe skydiving with her like she asked. Maybe that would make her happy.
Oscar: I need a divorce.

The Snippets are Late Again

Steve: Good to be back at the bar. I been on the road for eight weeks.
Me: Pimping ain’t easy.
Steve: I’m a truck driver.
Me: Six of one, eight point two of the other.
Steve: Are you drunk?
Me: Nope.
Steve: Well get drunk. You’re killing me with your weirdness.

Jay: You haven’t written the snippets.
Me: I been busy at work.
Jay: You haven’t written the snippets.
Me: I had to go to the girlfriend’s place after work.
Jay: When are you gonna do the snippets?
Me: Tomorrow.
Jay: No good. They’re supposed to be on Wednesdays.
Me: When did you turn into Rain Man?
Jay: Of course the snippets are definitely definitely supposed to be on Wednesdays. Sometimes in the evening, sometimes in the afternoon but definitively, definitely on Wednesdays.
Me: Freak.
Jay: Uh oh. Three minutes to Wapner. Ping!

Me: So where’d you watch the Super Bowl?
Steve: You know I’m a Patriots’ fan, right?
Me: Uh huh.
Steve: So maybe we ought not talk about this…
Me: You guys got beat by a guy named Elisha.
Steve: I’m gonna hit you.
Me: His middle name is Nelson. You got beat by a dude named Elisha Nelson Manning.
Steve: Wow. And I didn’t think I could feel any worse.

Ashley: What can I get you, Jay?
Jay: Of course, the maple syrup is supposed to be on the counter before the pancakes.
Ashley: Huh?
Jay: And there are no cheese balls on the table. Uh oh. Where are the cheeseballs?
Me: He’s just doing Rain Man, Ash.
Ashley: What the fuck is Rain Man?
Me: Get the fuck out of here. You’ve never seen Rain Man?
Ashley: No.
Me: With Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman?
Ashley: Uh, no.
Me: What the hell is wrong with you?
Ashley: Well, like shit. I don’t watch super old movies.
Jay: It came out in the eighties.
Ashley: And?
Jay: Of course, this is definitely bad. Definitely, definitely very bad.
Ashley: Can you make him stop that?
Me: At this point, I don’t think I want to.
Jay: Dad let’s me drive… real slow on the driveway.
Me: Sure he does, Ray. Sure he does.

Steve: What’s Brady’s middle name?
Me: He’s Catholic, so he gets his Christian name and his middle name.
Steve: But you know it?
Me: Sure. It’s John Patrick.
Steve: Why would you care about this?
Me: Elisha. Nelson. Manning. Those are three wussy names. Meanwhile, Thomas John Patrick Brady sounds like an Irish guy who owns ten pairs of brass knuckles. I wonder if Brady ever got sacked by a guy named Elisha. I’ll bet it’s never happened.
Steve: You sure you’re not drunk?
Me: Not a hundred percent sure, no.

The Snippets are in a Hurry

AJ: It's like, none of us are Giants' fans, but we're all rooting for them. We're like mercenary fans.
Me: Huh?
AJ: We're like rented fans. None of us really like the Giants but we're rooting for them. It's like a lesser of two evils.
Me: Kind of like an election?
AJ: Sadly, yes.

Stephanie: You've been in a shitty mood all day.
Me: No I haven't. It's just been a shitty day.
Stephanie: What's the difference?
Me: A shitty day just sucks. A bad mood just makes me feel shitty.
Stephanie: And act shitty. Which makes us all feel shitty.
Me: I didn't know I could affect a day like that.
Stephanie: Lot of things you don't know, shithead.
Me: That's just cold.

Me: Why is everything my fault?
Lila: Because, you handle it well and it's easier that way.
Me: Easier than what?
Lila: Easier than me dealing with it.

AJ: Dude, that play didn't even give you a chance to be impressed.
Dave: Yeah, it was like, 'how the hell did he break that tackle... holy shit... how the hell did he catch that?' The whole thing was spontaneous freak.
D: Like raping a junior high chick.
Me: That is fucked up right there, Dude.
D: Not as fucked up as she was.
AJ: Oooh.. sweet nasty.

Sharon: You still writing on the internet?
Me: You still have internet connection?
Sharon: Of course.
Me: Then make better small talk.
Sharon: I can't count the ways I hate you.

Me: Why don't you think I'm an asshole?
Lila: Oh, I know you're an asshole.
Me: And you like it?
Lila: Being a single woman basically means picking your kind of asshole.
Me: Really?
Lila: Yeah. And you're my dirty asshole.
Me: Romantic.

Lila: When are you gonna finish writing already? We have to work tomorrow.
Me: Tell my readers you love them.
Lila: Okay. Love you. Bye.

The Snippets Love Collapse

Lila: I hate your bed. It bows out in the middle. How did it get so concave?
Me: You know how.
Lila: Shut up. You can fucking lie to me, you know?
Me: I know.
Lila: What?
Me: I said, “No.”
Lila: Like hell you did, asshole.

Me: I like Gasparilla because it is a day that everyone can get together and get completely out of hand. Blackouts are encouraged. I like it when blackouts are encouraged.
Sandwich Vendor: Do I know you?

Me: We’re coming up on a major economic collapse.
Mark: You’re not supposed to smile and get all giddy when you say that.
Me: Says who?

Mark: Seriously, what is so great about economic collapse?
Me: Think about it, dude. Tech bubble, housing bubble, commodities bubble, a government creating markets to hide the inflation and devaluation here while essentially turning the American currency into oak leaves causing a massive disruption on investments from the world economy, yielding to an insane hike in the price of goods for our citizens. It could cause anarchy.
Mark: What’s great about anarchy?
Me: Dude, buy a punk album, will you?

Me: Anarchy kicks ass. Revolutions kick ass. Freedom kicks ass. And the people are so screwed that they don’t even realize how screwed they are. If it gets bad enough, maybe people will stop going back to the well of the federal government to quench the thirst of their personal economic issues. Maybe they’ll dig their own fucking well.
Mark: Yeah, but it sucks for business.
Me: Who needs business when you’ve got looting and rioting in the streets?
Mark: I worry about you sometimes, but just a little, not a lot.
Me: That’s ‘cause you know I got my shit together.
Mark: No, it’s because I only like you a little.
Me: Asshole.

Rick: I find it absolutely ridiculous that you have a salary job with benefits and I work at a goddamn deli.
Me: You never graduated college.
Rick: I’m smarter than you.
Me: You’re not as quick on your feet.
Rick: I’m smarter than you.
Me: You’re a convicted felon.
Rick: Always gotta throw that in my face, don’t you?
Me: If the jumpsuit fits—
Rick: You are fucking dead!
Me: That’ll be felony number two, then.
Rick: Burn in hell, DeGraaf.

Me: If God had a name, I’ll bet it’d be Steve.
Dave: Why wouldn’t he just call himself, God?
Me: ‘Cause God’s not a name.
Dave: Who says?
Me: Think about it, dude. There’s no God’s Bar and Grill or God’s Sandwich Shop or even a dude named like God Samuels. It’s not a name.
Dave: It will be when I get a new dog.

The Snippets' Bare Head

Me: I been wondering…
Allan: ‘Bout what?
Me: Skinheads.
Allan: Huh?
Me: Whatever happened to skinheads?
Allan: What do you mean?
Me: They used to be everywhere… racist skinheads, non-racist skinheads, Nazi skinheads… they were always fighting the longhairs and the gang-bangers. I haven’t seen a skinhead in like ten years or so.
Allan: So what?
Me: So where’d they go?
Allan: They probably just grew up, like everyone else ten years ago.
Me: How come they weren’t replaced with new skinheads?
Joe: I think I know.
Me: Well, don’t make us beg. What happened to the skinheads?
Joe: In the early nineties, people came to accept the shaved head look, mainly thanks to Michael Jordan. As a result, the signature style of the skinhead was taken from him, and he had to become just another Nazi with a fucked up haircut.
Me: Wow. Thanks Joe. I’m glad we cleared that up.
Allan: You are truly an original, DeGraaf.
Me: Thanks, Allan.
Allan: But so was Hitler.
Me: Danka.

Lila: You didn’t fuck her, did you?
Me: No.
Lila: Good, because I don’t want to hear about any ugly chick you might have fucked. You can point out the hot ones, though.
Me: Umm… I have a better idea. How about I just don’t point out any of the girls I’ve fucked?
Lila: You can do that, too. But I kind of want to meet the hot ones.
Me: So you can what? Compare notes?
Lila: Something like that.
Me: Something like no way in hell is more like it.
Lila: Spoilsport.

Aaron: What about that chick over there?
Me: She’s hot. Go get her.
Aaron: What about you?
Me: I’m monogamous.
Aaron: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh shit, my face is so red.
Me: You fell off your bar stool.
Aaron: I’m sorry, dude. It was just… so fucking funny. You get that, right?
Me: No I don’t. People can change.
Aaron: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha—
Me: Fuck you.

Me: I’m trying not to go out of my way to get into trouble.
Kevin: Why bother? I’m pretty sure trouble already has your home address. And if not, it knows where to find you, I’m sure.
Me: Hmmm… Good point.

Rochelle: I wanted you bad last night, baby. Where were you?
Me: With my girlfriend.
Rochelle: You have a girlfriend? Good for you. Hey, maybe we can introduce her to my fiancée.
Me: Why?
Rochelle: We could become, like one big horny family.
Me: ‘Fraid not. I’m being faithful.
Rochelle: You asshole. What am I supposed to do?
Me: Start with your fiancée.
Rochelle: Unfortunately, all my fiancée can do is start. I need someone who can get me to finish.
Me: So what? You want a referral or something?
Rochelle: I’m hanging up now, asshole.
Me: Bye.
Rochelle: Fuck you.

The Snippets Watched The OC

Ashley: My mom's a Jehovah's Witness.
Me: I think that's a religion for cheap people.
Ashley: What?
Me: Think about it. They don't celebrate birthdays or holidays. So they never have to pay for gifts. They're the only ones willing to work over the holidays, so they get all the double-pay shifts, and when they take their vacations, it's always during off-peak seasons so they get all the cheap tickets and cruises. I think the entire motivation for that religion is monetary.
Ashley: I'm curious.
Me: About what?
Ashley: Did you ever have a soul or were you born like this?
Me: Brrr, girl. That was cold.

Lila: Don't ever fucking write anything about me or our relationship again.
Me: Well, at least I can't accuse you of mixed signals. No gray area there.
Lila: Never again, got it?
Me: I got it. I got it.
Lila: I will fucking kill you if you do, are we clear?
Me: Clear as day, babe.

Me: What do you think James Bond would have done if he wasn't a spy?
Dave: I think he would have been some kind of stock broker.
Scott: Or maybe some kind of ambassador.
Rick: Dude, he would have been a prostitute and y'all know it.
Me: We know it?
Rick: You do now. Dude was a straight-up whore.
Me: So are lots of guys, but they wouldn't do it professionally.
Rick: Well James Bond would.
Me: How can you be so sure?
Rick: I have every Bond movie on DVD. Trust me. I know.
Dave: Well then, glad we cleared that up.

Me: If I became a cop, it'd probably be just to run scams and be corrupt.
Brick: I think that's a given. Like, if I heard you became a cop, I'd be like, 'Well, I'm sure he's corrupt.' I mean, why else would you do it?
Me: To serve and protect.
Brick: I said why else would you do it. Not why else would anyone do it.
Me: Oh yeah... I guess you did.

Lila: Why do you have a DVD collection of the OC?
Me: The first season was masterful. Why? You want to watch?
Lila: That is the queerest thing I know about you. I'm telling everyone.
Me: Go ahead. I still say the first season was very well done.
Lila: Weirdo.

Lila: I'm coming over. What are you doing today?
Me: Watching football.
Lila: I'll bring a book.

The Snippets are Primary

Guy 1: You got a fucking problem?
Guy 2: Yeah. Herpes. You?
Guy 1: Fuck man, that sucks.
Guy 2: You’re telling me.
Dave: Weren’t you guys about to fight?
Guy 1: Yeah, he pissed me off but man… He’s got herpes. I mean, I can’t fight him.
Dave: It’s not like a flu. He can’t give it to you.
Guy 1: You got a fucking problem?
Dave: Yeah, gonorrhea.
Guy 1: Do any of you guys use condoms?

Don: I have decided to open a restaurant.
Me: You’re buying a restaurant.
Don: Nope. Just opening one. Gotta start small.
Me: That… that don’t make no sense.
Don: Neither does mandarin. But people still speak it.

Me: You pay attention to the primary?
Dave: The primary what?
Me: The New Hampshire primary?
Dave: New Hampshire’s primary what?
Me: Do you vote?
Dave: Only for American Idol.
Me: You’re what’s wrong with this country.
Dave: Yeah, well that’s an ugly shirt.

Sean: How’d the interview go?
Me: Great. I got the interview.
Sean: Huh?
Me: It’s some corporate thing. Basically, I was interviewing for a chance to get an interview for a different position.
Sean: Okay then. Uhh… well almost congratulations to you then.
Me: Almost thanks, dude.
Sean: Whatever.

Danielle: You didn’t post yesterday.
Me: I was busy.
Danielle: You’re never too busy to post. You were drunk.
Me: I am capable of being both drunk and busy. It’s what separates me from the pack.
Danielle: It ain’t the only thing.

Me: You’re getting fat, Mark.
Mark: I know.
Me: What you gonna do about that?
Mark: Buy bigger clothes.
Me: You’re lazy, you know that?
Mark: Of course I know that. I’m the one who’s lazy. Dumbass.
Me: Lardass.

The Snippets Love Spirals

Kevin: Dude, how come you don’t have a boat? You make enough money.
Me: A boat, dude. No way. Besides, I’m bad with money.
Kevin: Bad with money? You’re not bad with money. You’re a fucking drunk.
Me: I guess there is that.

Me: Just how often do you mention me from the pulpit?
Mom: Not too often.
Me: How often is not too often?
Mom: Bi-weekly at most.
Me: That’s kind of embarrassing for me.
Mom: Yeah, well I thought about that and then I remembered that I’m lucky if you go to church once a year so you can just suck it up and deal.
Me: Thanks, Mom.
Mom: Don’t mention it.

Kevin: That’s a great strip club.
Me: No it’s not.
Kevin: Dude, there’s no cover and the drinks are cheap. I would make that my regular bar if I lived down here.
Me: It would be an awesome regular bar. But it’s not a great strip club.
Kevin: Well, it’s the only game in town so I win and you lose.
Me: Lose what?
Kevin: Your sense of strip club superiority.
Me: Uhh… okay.
Kevin: Yeah, come to terms with that, buddy.
Me: It’ll be tough but I’ll manage.

Me: I think I’m drunk.
Kevin: And what do you think was the cause of that?
Chip: I know this one: the fact that he’s been drinking since lunch.
Me: Oh yeah. I guess that’ll do it.
Kevin: Useless fucking lush.

Kevin: You are the most pathetic fisherman I’ve ever seen.
Me: At least I can throw a football.
Kevin: I can throw a football.
Me: At least I can throw a spiral.
Kevin: Well, I happen to think that the spiral is an overrated way of throwing a football.
Me: You happen to be wrong.
Kevin: That’s what you say, buddy.

Me: It was good seeing you again. Same time next year?
Kevin: I guess so. I mean, if I’m still alive, you know, and—
Me: Here.
Kevin: You interrupting—
Me: Bastard?
Kevin: Fuck—
Me: You?
Kevin: Yeah, dude. Fuck you.

The Snippets Love Weddings

Me: It pisses me off that you never invited me to your wedding.
Ryan: We had like four hundred people there, dude. It was tight.
Me: Still, I live in Tampa. It's not like I would have actually showed up at the thing.
Ryan: Then why would you want an invite?
Me: For the love, dude. For the love.
Ryan: Yeah... fuck the love.

Tyler: You know, I was a little pissed you didn't invite me to your wedding.
Ryan: Dude, you know how weddings are. It wasn't my wedding. It was for my wife and parents. I was just there.
Tyler: Was there an open bar?
Ryan: Hell yeah.
Tyler: Then I'm still pissed.

Jessica: You were so mysterious in high school.
Me: No I wasn't. You just didn't know me all that well. Your husband knows I wasn't mysterious.
Bill: Yeah, but to someone who doesn't know you, you probably seemed mysterious.
Me: Yeah, but everyone seems mysterious when you don't know them.
Bill: No. Some people seem boring from a distance, too.

Mikey: You seen Ryan?
Me: Yeah, I saw him Thursday.
Mikey: You know, that asshole didn't invite me to his wedding.
Me: You don't say.

Me: Dude, you didn't even recognize me.
Matt: You didn't recognize me.
Me: Yeah, well you didn't recognize me first.
Matt: Huh?

Matt: So you're in Tampa, huh? Ever hit any of the strip clubs down there near the stadium?
Me: Oh, once in a blue moon.
Scotty: So, blue moons happen every week down there in Tampa?
Me: Fuck you.

Me: How's your brother?
Mikey: Dead.
Me: And your parents?
Mikey: Grieving.
Me: And you?
Mikey: Drunk, Nate. Very drunk.

Jeff: You seen Ryan?
Me: Yeah, he's living out in Kirkwood now with his wife.
Jeff: I didn't know he got married.
Me: That's probably for the best. No one we know even went to the wedding.
Jeff: Well that's probably smart, especially if there was an open bar.

The Snippets Have no Plans

Kim: You look good. What’s your secret?
Me: I work out and I diet.
Kim: That’s boring. I was hoping you had discovered some kind of new drug or something?
Me: How old are you?
Kim: Well, my ID says 21 but…
Me: It was nice meeting you.

Mike: Dude, did you see that?
Me: About five times.
Mike: Finally, the Bucs’ first kickoff returned for a touchdown.
Me: I feel so much better than I did ten minutes ago. I’m… like motivated or something.
Mike: Micheal Spurlock just made me come.
Me: You always have to one up me, don’t you?
Mike: No, I’m just better than you. It’s not my fault you interpret it that way.

Me: What did you think of the Mitchell Report?
Dave: I think I read it all in the papers over the last three years.
Me: To be fair, it was a decent summary.
Dave: Yeah, but it was supposed to be a report, not a fucking summary.
Me: Maybe they can change the name.
Dave: I think it’s too late for that, Nate.
Me: The Mitchell Summary. It has a nice ring.
Dave: Not happening, Nate. Pick another topic.
Me: Why don’t you ever want to explore stupid shit? I find humor in stupid shit.
Dave: I don’t.
Me: Bullshit man, you watch Raymond.
Dave: Don’t talk shit about Raymond, motherfucker. Everybody. Loves. Raymond.
Me: My bad, my bad. New topic.

Kristen: I think, when I grow up, I want to be a pilot.
Me: You’re 27.
Kristen: Fuck you.

Me: You ever think that God has a plan for you?
Dave: If he does, me and God are beefin’.

Me: So you’d rather live in a world that isn’t predestined?
Dave: No. If this is what I’m predestined to be then I hate the world.
Me: Then really and truly, you hate yourself. Marinate on that.
Dave: Are you high?

Me: So how was the doctor’s office?
James: Chlamydia.
Steve: The light beer of venereal diseases.
Me: To Chlamydia.
James: May she never be herpes, Aids, syphilis or gonorrhea. May she continue to be a lady and never a bitch. Goodbye to the stinging. Thank God there’s no itch.
Me: You’re a goddamn poet.
James: You ain’t the only one around here that taps the keys, motherfucker.
Steve: Yeah, Nate. Put that in your pipe and pass it to your hippie friends.
Me: That’s my line.
Steve: Whatever man, I can use it in everyday speech. This is America, God dammit.
James: Home of the motherfucking Braves.
Me: Don’t forget the Cardinals.
James: Huh?

The Snippets are Assholes

Dan: The wife wants me to sell the Mini-Cooper and get a mini-van.
Me: When did you start calling her “the wife?”
Dan: Week three.
Me: You count the weeks in your marriage?
Dan: Like it’s a motherfucking football season, bro.
Me: Why?
Dan: You wouldn’t understand unless you were married, dude.

Aaron: I bought you a whole bunch of fatty meat.
Me: Why?
Aaron: To fuck up your diet.
Me: You’re an asshole.
Aaron: And then some.

Me: So why’s she want you to ditch the Cooper?
Dan: She’s pregnant again and she thinks the Cooper’s not practical.
Me: Well she’s right. I mean it ain’t practical.
Dan: Fuck you, dude. This is no time for logic and reason. When the fuck did you get logical and reasonable anyway? I’ve known you since college. I’ve seen you do so much shit, I could write a book about you. That’s fucked up.
Me: I’m just saying, two kids and a Mini-Cooper ain’t practical.
Dan: Go get fucked by a syphilis ridden whore you back-stabbing son of a bitch.
Me: Calm down, man. It’s not that big a deal.
Dan: The fuck it ain’t.
Me: Well why is it such a big deal?
Dan: You wouldn’t get it unless you were married, dude.

Aaron: You think I could write for Points in Case?
Me: I don’t see why not.
Aaron: I’ll bet I could be more popular than you.
Me: That’s not saying much.
Aaron: I know. That’s why I think I can do it.
Me: Asshole.
Aaron: Count on it.

Me: So did you plan the second one?
Dan: I didn’t plan shit.
Me: You think she planned it?
Dan: I don’t know. All I know is I didn’t.
Me: Did you ask her about it?
Dan: Of course not.
Me: Why not?
Dan: Again, this is one of those things you can’t really explain to single people.

Aaron: Why do these readers feel the need to leave all these negative comments?
Me: Who knows? I learned early on in this game that as long as you elicit an emotion, even anger, you win. Paul’ll be okay. He’s been writing comedy for a long time.
Aaron: So like, what if you don’t elicit any emotion?
Me: You fail. If you can’t make someone feel something, the writing is lost on the reader.
Aaron: Your writing makes me feel like hitting you with a brick.
Me: See, I win then.
Aaron: Not if I actually do it, you don’t.
Me: You’re an asshole.
Aaron: Takes one to know one, brother.

The Snippets Always Smile

Me: How come you bouncers never smile?
Sean: Nothing tough about smiling.
Me: Do you smile on your breaks?
Sean: No.
Me: Why not?
Sean: Nothing funny about my breaks.
Me: When do you smile?
Sean: Usually when I’m fucking or eating a nice meal.
Me: Those are good reasons to smile. But there are lots of others.
Sean: Don’t take this the wrong way but dude…
Me: What?
Sean: Go away.

Me: So you’re traveling across the country on a motorcycle?
Aaron: Yeah. It’s awesome.
Me: How're you funding this adventure?
Aaron: I had a rich aunt who died and left me a quarter million—
Me: I hate you.

Melissa: We need to find Nate a girlfriend.
Mike: You can do that if you want…
Melissa: You don’t think it’s a good idea?
Mike: To set that asshole up? I think it’s a bona fide way to lose friends.
Me: You know I’m right here, right?
Mike: Yup.

Aaron: Dude, there’s this hot chick at the bar with her ugly friend. I was talking to her and she has four kids with two daddies.
Me: Sounds like a fun chick.
Aaron: The thing is, while I was working on her, all these guys came up and surrounded her and I have no idea how to get her out of there.
Me: I got this.
Aaron: You sure?
Mike: This is what Nate does, Aaron. Don’t worry about it. You just asked Michelangelo to paint by numbers. He’ll be back in ten minutes.

Melissa: I think Nate and Lindsey would get along.
Mike: What? Lindsey’s a sweet girl.
Melissa: Nate seems sweet.
Mike: ‘Seems’ is the ideal word, honey. I’ve known this cat since ’97. The only thing sweet about him is the sugar in his kitchen.
Me: Again Mike, this is me, right here, being insulted by you.
Mike: What you call an insult, I call a fact.
Me: People can change.
Mike: Indeed they can. But you don’t.

Aaron: How’d you get those chicks to our table? What’d you do, offer them free drinks or something?
Me: Nope, I hit on the ugly one. Six guys all hitting on the hottie, so you hit on her ugly friend, then invite them over to our table to talk. Now, I’ll crack some jokes in the ugly one’s direction and entertain her while you work on the crazy, Cuban hottie.
Aaron: Why the fuck did that work?
Me: The hottie wants to be able to fuck without abandoning her friend. This way, the friend feels like she has a chance with me and the hottie gets off guilt-free. It’s standard wing man stuff.
Aaron: Thank you, Obi Wan.
Me: My pleasure.

Me: After you beat someone up, do you smile then?
Sean: Sometimes. It depends how bad I hurt my hands.
Me: I’ll bet that’s an occupational hazard.
Sean: Sure is. When I started bouncing, I learned that it’s smarter to just bang people off of hard surfaces than it is to break my hands on their faces.
Me: That’s smart.
Sean: Oh yeah. I mean, no one’s hands are as hard as a concrete floor.
Me: What about John Wayne’s? He was badass.
Sean: If you're trying to make me laugh, you failed.
Me: You need to lighten up.
Sean: There’s not a lot of call for laid-back bouncers, Nate.
Me: Alright, keep being a hardass.
Sean: I will. And you keep being a jackass.
Me: Hey, you made a joke.
Sean: Shh. Don’t tell anyone.

The Snippets Love Dogs

Me: So I’m pulling up to your house now. That K-9 unit dog of yours isn’t gonna bite me, is he?
T-bone: That all depends on how much pot you try to bring in here.
Me: None.
T-bone: Well then, you should be okay.

Me: So is it cool being a K-9 Unit cop?
T-bone: Yeah. I get to hear a lot of really satisfying screams.
Me: Well, that’s a perk I guess.

T-Bone: This is my baby Glock. This is the one I use when I go to the grocery store and out to the movies and stuff.
Me: So you always have a gun on you?
T-Bone: Part of the job.
Me: All I need is a laptop.
T-Bone: Yeah, you’re a normal citizen. That must be boring.

T-Bone: This is my full sized Glock. I usually bring it with me for work but I’m taking it over to Thanksgiving dinner because it’s always a good idea to have a little extra firepower around the holidays.
Me: You’re kidding, right?
T-Bone: No.

Me: Hey, are you gonna bring the police dog over to Thanksgiving?
T-Bone: No, I think the Glock’ll be enough to handle my family.

Me: It’s real cool how he plays with the ball and stuff. He’s like a real dog.
T-Bone: He is a real dog, Nate.
Me: Oh yeah.

T-Bone: The thing is, we will always have a serious crime problem in this country if we don’t legalize killing people in public.
Me: You believe this?
T-Bone: It would make the world much safer.
Me: You can’t really believe this?
T-Bone: I can and I do. If I were police chief, every cop would be allowed five bullets that they could shoot whoever they want with. Crime would disappear.
Me: Man, I hope you never become Police Chief.
T-Bone: You probably won’t have to lose any sleep over that one.

The Snippets Hate Collectivism

John: Dude, you know Ron Paul can’t win the presidency?
Me: Why not?
John: Because, you can’t just tell the people that the government’s not their dad. That would mean they have to find a new dad.
Me: Are you drunk?
John: That has nothing to do with anything except how drunk I am.
Me: I’m not gonna argue that.
John: Good boy.

John: You see, people are fucking stupid. I mean, think about how dumb the average person is.
Me: Okay?
John: And then realize that there are over 150 million Americans dumber than that.
Me: That’s a Carlin joke.
John: What, I have to limit myself to original material now?

John: So anyway… stupid people.
Me: What about them?
John: They don’t want the government to stop telling them what to do. I mean, think about public education.
Me: What about it?
John: Two hundred years ago, if you told people that they their federal government was in charge of their education, they’d have been seriously suspicious. I mean, why wouldn’t the government do its level best to hide information detrimental to their rule from those they educate? Why wouldn’t they just omit the evil truths about themselves?
Me: I don’t know. To preserve the sanctity of true education?
John: We’re talking about the government, here.

John: So, back in the day, the idea of the same people who tax and rule you also educating you was so stupid it was comical. Now, people act like it is a necessary role of government to educate us but they don’t even know what the Department of Education does.
Me: What do they do?
John: Fuck if I know. If I had to guess, I would say various administrative things.
Me: That’s from A Few Good Men.
John: Again, I ain’t all that original.

John: And it’s the same with health care and the economy. Everyone relies on the government to fuck them, so when you threaten to take that away and replace it with freedom, the people are all like, “But we need the government to keep making the economy worse and keep making it impossible for me to get the health care I need.” They don’t even realize that they’re saying it. It’s like the entire country has Stockholm Syndrome. They’re all like, “Please rule me. Please tell me what to do and think. Please, I’m a goddamn idiot.”
Me: And that’s why Ron Paul won’t win?
John: Yup. He doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell.
Me: But what if we educate the people on…
John: You can’t undo eighty years of propaganda with a few months of education. Face it, man: you’ll never have a President that cares about your freedom because you live in a country with a bunch of misinformed, lazy assholes who don’t care about freedom. That’s how this works. The government has us over a barrel. They care; we don’t. So they win.
Me: That’s from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
John: I hate you.

The Snippets Value Personality

Leroy: What you got to eat?
Me: Turkey, chicken, broccoli, lean beef, asparagus, pickles, dried apricots, bananas, blueberries and strawberries. What do you want?
Leroy: A fucking restaurant nearby, that’s what I want.

Me: You should start going to the gym.
Babyface: You should stick your dick in a garbage disposal.
Me: Well, that was just mean.

Leroy: You see, that stripper had personality.
Me: Yup.
Leroy: That’s one of the biggest problems with these chicks. They just think that all they have to do is wiggle their assets and get money. Well, I guess they think that ‘cause it works.
Me: Makes sense.
Leroy: Yeah, but the chicks who get into it—who make eye contact and display some personality—are the best ones because the exchange doesn’t feel so… so…
Me: Machinated.
Leroy: If that’s the word you want to use, then fine. The point is, there should be more to the shit than just going through the motions. I mean, take some pride in your jobs, you dumb whores.
Me: You should be some kind of strip club consultant.
Leroy: Be a great job, actually.

Me: I can’t eat that. I’m on a diet.
Dave: I know. That’s why I brought it. Now don’t mention it again or I will force feed it to your calorie counting ass.
Me: Why’s everyone so testy lately?
Dave: I blame the economy.

Me: You broke my fucking camera.
Leroy: I didn’t know you were gonna let go of it.
Me: You batted it out of my hand.
Leroy: I swatted your hand a little. You let go of it. You know, you should really take better care of your things, Nate.
Me: Fuck you man. You broke my brand new camera.
Leroy: I’ll buy you another one, but if you put a picture of me on the internet, I’m breaking your arm. And I get to choose which one.
Me: You’re a real prince, you know that?
Leroy: I do, indeed.

Mark: What are you taking pictures for? You hate pictures.
Me: I know. I saw some nature watcher with a camera here a little earlier and I thought, ‘What a douche.” Then I realized that I have a camera and I’m taking pictures.
Mark: But you’re doing it for a blog, which I believe is worse.
Me: I have become what I behest.
Mark: That wording was a little melodramatic, don’t you think?
Me: Everyone’s a critic.

Me: So basically, the way I figure it is, if I can keep my diet up and maintain my current pace—
Leroy: Would you please shut the fuck up about your work out program?

The Snippets know Awesome

Me: Do you have any idea how awesome I am?
Court: Umm… I have some idea.
Me: I just took a Heineken Girl home from the bar, hooked up with her, and brought her back and I owe it all to stellar bongo play.
Court: Wait... What?
Me: I played the bongos up at this bar because everyone who played got a free Heineken and my bongo playing was so awesome that it got me into conversation with the head Heineken Girl there and one thing led to my penis. And I just wanted to call and tell you how absolutely fucking awesome I am.
Court: Uh… okay.
Me: Is your girlfriend there?
Court: Yeah, we’re actually about to watch a movie.
Me: Tell her I said hi, okay? Oh and let her know how awesome I am.
Court: I’m sure she knows, Nate. But I will remind her.
Me: Thanks.

Jake: Hey Dude, I know you’re at work but I was wondering if you could look something up for me.
Me: Whatever.
Jake: Yeah, well I just need to know where—hey, what’s your problem? You sound pissed.
Me: Those dumbasses in the MLB gave Russell Martin the Gold Glove even though he led all catchers in errors and threw out twenty two percent less runners than the Cardinals’ Yadier Molina.
Jake: And this pisses you off?
Me: Damn right it does.
Jake: You’re not taking steroids, are you?

Paige: I’m the type of girl who hates drama. You know, I just wish everyone could work together and set aside their differences.
Me: That’s cool.
Paige: How would you sum up yourself?
Me: I am awesome.
Paige: And humble, obviously.
Me: Comes with being awesome.
Paige: So why are you awesome?
Me: God decreed it when he made celery useless.
Paige: What?
Me: It’s just a coincidence. My awesomeness has nothing to do with celery.
Paige: Dana was right, you are weird.
Me: Awesome weird.
Paige: Whatever.

Hillary: You’ve been coming to our gym real consistently. What got you into working out?
Me: A steady decline in the female hotness of my one night stands.
Hillary: Oh, I’ve heard of you. You’re the guy Mark calls, Joker. That’s a pretty funny joke.
Me: Thanks…
Hillary: Are you like a comedian or something?
Me: Nope, just your garden variety asshole.
Hillary: I doubt that. You’re too cute to be an asshole.
Me: I’m Nate.
Hillary: I’m Hillary.

Steve: That chick over there just turned 21. What do you think of her?
Me: She’s fat.
Steve: She’s a little fat.
Me: She’s very fat.
Steve: No, man. She’s maybe twenty pounds overweight.
Me: She’s twenty pounds over my weight.
Steve: Whatever, Dude. She’s drunk and horny and easy and young.
Me: And fat.
Steve: You dwell on the negative way too much for my liking.
Me: Yeah, well you fuck fat chicks.
Steve: I guess we all have our crosses to bear.
Me: Whatever. Go roll your fatty.

Me: Do you have any idea how awesome I am?
Casey: I do read your blog and I’m pretty sure that it’s dedicated to the concept of how awesome you think you are so I like to think that I have some idea. Why?
Me: I was umpiring this game, and an eleven year old kid whipped his bat back at me after he swung and missed and I caught it with my left hand because I am awesome and tough and super cool.
Casey: You may be exaggerating a tad.
Me: I don’t think so. You should have seen the reactions of the parents and kids. I even have a bruise on my hand. I’m like a comic book character.
Casey: You know, I agree with you there, but for an entirely different reason.
Me: Fuck you.