Stoner Chick Phones in the Snippets

Me: This is Nathan.
Stoner Chick: Hey, Boobykins. How's the office treating you?
Me: Stoner Chick?
SC: Did you miss me?
Me: Where the fuck have you been?
SC: Sarasota.
Me: Why?
SC: Because I didn't have to work there.
Me: Oh, well naturally?

SC: I met this guy down at the bar I used to work at. And he was pretty young and cute and his parents died when he was a teenager so he had lots of money from that. And I was just living with him.
Me: A rich guy with no parents. Sounds like a Stoner Chick dream. What went wrong?
SC: Who says anything went wrong?
Me: Well, you are calling me.
SC: Yeah. I guess there really is no reason to talk to you unless something's wrong.
Me: You know, it was great talking to you. But now? now it kind of sucks.

Me: So, not to be rude but?
SC: But, why'd I call?
Me: Yeah.
SC: I'm moving back sometime next week. Jeremy?that's my boyfriend?he has to go fuck off and die for a little while so I'm coming back.
Me: He cheated on you?
SC: Ummm?
Me: You cheated on him?
SC: Look Buttmunch, we can argue about who did what to who for forever but that's not important. What's important is that I'm coming back home. And you should be happy 'cause your blog sucks without me.
Me: Well, the readers have been asking about you. They miss you a lot.
SC: And you do too, I'll bet.
Me: Well?
SC: Awww, what a cute moment.
Me: Yeah, well savor the flavor baby.
SC: Who talks like that? Honestly. Savor the flavor? You're a douche.

Me: Why'd you change your phone number, anyway?
SC: My boss kept calling and I got tired of avoiding him.
Me: Why didn't you just tell him you quit?
SC: Because I? I don't like? you know dealing with people about stuff.
Me: You mean confrontations. You don't like confrontations.
SC: Same thing, Mister Vocab. Don't act all high and mighty just 'cause you know what some words mean.
Me: I'm sorry.
SC: That's better.

Me: So, when you come back, you want to help with the football picks again?
SC: I guess.
Me: I figured that was why you called.
SC: Actually, I was wondering something.
Me: What?
SC: Are you hiring?
Me: No. And even if we were I don't think I'd hire you.
SC: Well, you're just one humongous cock aren't you? Why wouldn't you hire me?
Me: The boss tends to have a problem with chicks who just randomly disappear without calling or anything. Tends to be bad for business.
SC: Yeah, but you could put in a good word.
Me: Yeah, but I wouldn't.
SC: Why not?
Me: Because I like my word to have some validity.
SC: Whatever, Dicksmacker.

Me: I got a call from Stoner Chick.
Sean: Where the hell has she been, anyway?
Me: Sarasota.
Sean: Well? that's hardly interesting at all.
Me: I know. Kind of a let down.
Sean: What can you do?
Me: Order another drink, I guess.
Sean: Good guess.

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