On Time with the Snippets this Time

Me: What did you think about the investment piece I wrote?
Court: It was? surprisingly informative.
Me: What the fuck was surprising about it?
Court: I mean, I'm sure you're good at your job. I just don't think our readers equate the kind of work you do with your kind of writing.
Me: So work in some more dick jokes?
Court: I? ummm? whatever, man.

Lila: I can't fucking believe this.
Me: What? So your new bird likes me a little.
Lila: A little? The fucking thing has a crush on you. And now I'm mad at you for being so cute around the bird and I feel like telling the bird that she better stay away from my boyfriend or I'm gonna fuck her up. I cannot believe this.
Me: It's like we're trapped in some really bad bestiality-bird comedy.
Lila: I hate you.
Me: I didn't even do anything.
Lila: That makes it worse.
Me: How?
Lila: Shut up.
Me: Good point.

David: Wow, that is one talented girl.
Lynne How so? Oh? you're just saying that because she's hot.
David: Not really. I'm just saying that because she has talent.
Lynne: At what?
David: Not what. Where?
Lynne: What?
David: Where.
Me: He means she has a talented chest. She is talented in the chest area.
Lynne: Yeah, well she bought that talent.
Me: In this age of performance enhancing drugs, who can really say for sure?
Lynne: You're incredible, you know that?
Me: Who told you?

Steve: What'd you get her for Valentine's Day?
Me: Two boxes of her favorite chocolates.
Steve: What'd she get you?
Me: A steak, some blueberries, and a banana tree.
Steve: That's cool. Wait, where the fuck are you gonna plant a banana tree?
Me: It's not like that. It's a wooden thing you can hang bananas from.
Steve: Why would you want to do that?
Me: 'Cause your girlfriend bought you a banana tree.
Steve: This fucking country still has way too much money.

Oscar: You ever been skydiving?
Me: Yes.
Oscar: Did you like it?
Me: Loved it.
Oscar: Would you do it again?
Me: Sure.
Oscar: Would you go pretend that you're me and do it?
Me: Who would I have to fool?
Oscar: My wife.
Me: You're twenty years older than me, you have gray hair, your three inches shorter than me and you still got about fifty pounds on me.
Oscar: Absolutely. If that switch doesn't make her happy, what will?
Me: I don't know. Maybe skydiving with her like she asked. Maybe that would make her happy.
Oscar: I need a divorce.

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