Snippets for the Pimpettes

Russ: I was watching Live 8 and I realized that John Norris is still alive.
Me: Who?
Russ: I weep for America’s youth.

Me: I’m sorry, but that was funny.
Lou: Nate, that wasn’t funny man. Those people could have been seriously injured.
Adam: That’s what was so funny.

Adam: Jimi Hendrix is overrated. He’s not that great a guitarist.
Lou: All right. That’s just stupid.
Me: Seriously, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard and I own every Dead Milkmen album ever produced.

Me: How come everyone else gets a nickname? I want a nickname.
Peek: No, man. You can’t have one. You’re just ‘Nate.’ It fits you.
Me: It’s my name.
Peek: So you’re lucky; you get the two in one.
Me: I think you’re just too lazy to think up a nickname for me.
Peek: Maybe that’s part of it, Nate. Maybe.

Me: So, the hospital wants to charge me like, eighty bucks to take my stitches out.
Russ: No, I won’t take your stitches out.
Me: No man, my buddy’s a fireman. He’s on it. Why would I ask you?
Russ: I don’t know. I could just tell that your statement was not gonna be followed by, ‘and I decided to pay up’ so I covered my ass.
Me: Smart thinking.

Ryan: Now, I don’t want you to be weirded out by us two total strangers. Your sister said it was okay to hang with us, so you’re not scared, right?
Ashley: If she says you’re cool, I’m sure that you’re cool. She wouldn’t let me hang with people she doesn’t trust.
Me: Besides, your sister serves us drinks every day. If something happened to you and it was our fault, where would we drink? We need her so we have a need to treat you right.
Ryan: So, we’re not gonna use the GHB and tazer this time?
Me: There’s always tomorrow.
Ashley: All right, now I’m scared.

Me: How come no one believes how I hurt my hand?
Ashley: What, is it like some crazy story or something?
Ryan: No, that’s just it. It’s a boring, plain story. And that’s just not believable when it’s Nate. Like, remember the time you had your ribs cracked f---ing that chick from Boston? Or the time you scarred your hands f---ing that skinny broad? Or when that crazy bitch gave you a black eye for cheating on her?
Me: Okay, chances with Ashley are now zero.
Ashley: I don’t know about that. I think if anything, your odds just got better.
Me: Wow, so like what kind of chick are you?
Ashley: The kind that loves hurting men.
Ryan: Oh, those are his favorite.
Me: F--- you.

Me: Ryan, you do realize that you’re ridiculously drunk and making no sense.
Ryan: I do.
Me: Okay, as long as we’re all on the same page here.

Ashley: What are you doing up so early?
Me: I have to go to work.
Ashley: You don’t have any tattoos, you don’t own a gun and you made me breakfast. You’re on hell of a guy for a one nighter.
Me: It’s easy to be nice when you know you’ll never see the other person again.
Ashley: F--- off.