The Snippets Designate Drunks

Me: So, you guys are into cigars now, huh?
Kris: Yup, we're a-fish-anados.
Me: Aficionados.
Ned: Nope, a-fish-anados.
Me: I'm pretty sure it's "aficionados."
Kris: A-fish-anados.
Me: Why do you guys insist on mispronouncing it?
Ned: We're rednecks.

Me: Todd, I think I need to drive you home.
Todd: DeGraaf, do I have to remind you that you are not gay?
Me: No.
Todd: Good, because I do not let gay men drive me home while I'm feeling vulnerable.
Me: Good rule.

Ashley: So, I've been seeing this guy for two months and I don't know?it's like, I like him, he seems nice and all, but I'm just not that into him.
Lauren: Well, honey, there's no need to rush anything unless that's the kind of girl you are. Personally, I like to get the sex out of the way so I don't end up falling for someone who's bad in bed.
Emmy: Yeah, but not everyone is like that?
Me: Two months! Jesus. Either you're not into the guy or you hate sex.
Emmy: And then there's the way Nate looks at things.
Lauren: He has a point.
Ashley: Maybe, but I don't remember inviting him into this conversation.
Me: Hey, I just want a beer. I didn't come here to dispense relationship advice.
Alan: Dr. Fill My Damn Glass is in the house.
Me: Good one.
Alan: You like that?
Me: Yeah, you come up with that on your own?
Alan: No, I have a team of writers working around the clock.
Me: Funny.

Todd: Have you ever felt vulnerable?
Me: I cracked my skull once.
Todd: That is not near an answer to my question.
Me: I think it's pretty close.
Todd: Dude, it's like eighty miles away.
Me: Ten.
Todd: Forty.
Me: Twenty.
Todd: Sold!

Me: You see the thing about bitches is?oh, man. Look, I'm in no way implying that your wife's a bitch.
Kevin: Ahh? she has her moments.

Me: Anyway, it's time to go home.
Todd: I'm waiting on you.
Me: That's not my car.
Todd: Why you gotta be such a smartass, DeGraaf?
Me: My bad.

Me: Yeah, so she said that she's looking for high-concept humor writing. What does that even mean?
Court: It's like high brow. You know, like Tuckerson and Mikey do.
Me: Yeah well? that's not what I do. In fact, I think I specialize in the exact opposite of that. My concepts are pretty low.
Court: You should have been like, "look, you got the wrong guy. I conceive on the down low."
Me: That's not funny.
Court: I think it is. The concept's probably just a little too high for you to get.
Me: We need to sober that concept up so I can understand it.
Court: Yeah well, good luck with that.

Me: Todd, you're drunk.
Todd: You don't need a damn college degree to figure that one out. I just pissed on an alley cat.
Me: That was a pelican.
Todd: Details.

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