The Snippets Dealt It

Dave: So anyway, check out my brand new truck. This thing cost fifty grand.
Me: I can't wait to smoke a cigarette in it.
Dave: You smoke a cigarette in it, you'll be dodging traffic at about seventy miles an hour.
Me: You're gonna let me drive?
Dave: I'm gonna let you die.
Me: You know, I always thought rich people would be happier than you.
Dave: I'm not rich. I'm married.

Ben: Yeah, this truck rides sweet. Hey, stop in at that McDonalds and we'll get some grub.
Dave: Okay, but we got to eat inside. I want this truck to smell as new as it can for as long as it can.
Me: I feel the same way about my women. That's why I only date high school chicks.
Dave: And you wonder why my wife hates it when we hang out.

Dave: In twenty minutes, we'll be chilling at the beach, drinking rum runners and staring at?holy shit what is that smell?
Me: What smell?
Dave: Dude, did you fart?
Me: Oh, that smell. Yeah.

Dave: You're not allowed to fart in my car.
Me: Dude, I can't control my own farts. They just happen.
Ben: Like clouds. Little, stinky clouds.

Dave: You're telling me that you can't control your own bowels? Are you an adult or aren't you?
Me: Look motherfucker, this ain't a first date. I'm not sitting in the back with a puckered asshole just because you bought a new truck.
Ben: Uh oh. I just let one.
Dave: You nasty bastards.
Me: Hey man, blame Ray Kroc.

Ben: Who's Ray Kroc?
Me: He's the guy who founded McDonalds. He went from selling milkshake mixers to being one of the richest men in America.
Dave: Wow, that's really interesting. Can I roll the windows up now, or is Ray Kroc gonna make you fart again?
Ben: I'd keep 'em down if I were you. I have a feeling Ray's all about the farts.

Me: That would make a great motto for a greasy spoon: "We're all about the farts."
Ben: Yeah, that makes me salivate.
Dave: I'm getting hungry already.
Me: You guys just don't recognize genius when you smell it.
Dave: Dude, quit fucking farting. Man, I hate you sometimes.


More from PIC:

Reason #4,867 why it's great to be a man:

Farts will always be funny.

hahaha, hilarious. Just remember never to buy a new car yourself, not just because fiscally it makes no sense (seriously, would you buy stock knowing it would lose 10% of it's value as soon as you purchased it?) but also because it is now a marked target.

wednesday rocks, cause it meens snippet day

You are a fucking loser, and nothing compared to Tucker Max. You aren't funny, you are a loser, your friends are losers. I hope you die in a car accident.

Hey, you know what would be funny? If you died.

Don't you ever fuck with Tucker Max.

Holy fuck, you're an ugly son of a bitch. Do the world a favour and off yourself with a bottle of Motrin.

fletcher and ian are only complimenting you because they hear you give great head. But only to other men. Because, you know, this is a comment drawing into question your sexual preferences.

Shit, I am so fucking awesome. Don't you wish you knew how that felt?

Were you in Rent?

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, yours only brings one to mind: douche.

Yeah, this is the same guy as all the other comments. Matty has struck again, bitch.

(My name is sexier than yours, too.)

If you question why I took the time to post this many degrading comments on your site, I'll subvert the question by alledging that your father beat you with a garden hose.

(DeGraaf is a shitty last name. I mean, fuck. If I were a cop, and I saw your driver's license, I would instinctively spit on you.)


I bet you like hotdogs for different reasons than why I like hotdogs.


Could you give me a drive to the Simple Plan concert? Don't act like you weren't already going.

Have you ever french kissed a man then been like, "Hey, if he had been born a woman, he would have been a fucking HOT woman!" or what?

When you are alone and bored, do you talk to yourself? And then you realize, shit, someone is right there in the next room, you aren't really alone? Do you act like you're singing to yourself, or do you pick up the phone real quick and act like you're having a conversation? Hurry with the answer please, not much time.

Thanks in advance.

Yes, Eric, that Matty. I'm giving a shout-out on your website, I hope you don't mind. Because if you do, you'll remove this, and I'll be forced to rewrite one. And that will be a terrible inconvenience.

I would almost bet money that you have read every single one of these comments. If I come back, and they are deleted, I will be quite upset and will register a formal complaint with the website administration.

You're the type of guy who masturbates during the Wizard of Oz.

dude, anonymous,
get a life
get a girl
get what ever the hell it takes.

just stop using all that time you have between masturbation and crying yourself to sleep posting gay ass insults on a very good writers blog.

Reasons why you made me laugh:
1. I posted my name several times.
2. That you didn't notice my this leads me to believe you didn't read the whole thing.
3. If you love this guy so much, why don't you marry him? I'd bet money that he would accept.
4. Very good writer and blog are words that can very rarely be used in the same sentence. This is not one of the rare instances.
5. im not gay! ur gay!
6. And if you think it took all the time I have between masturbation and crying myself to sleep, then you misjudge me! I type way faster than that. Usually between masturbation and crying myself to sleep, I watch "I Dream Of Genie" reruns or go to websites with little puppies and laugh at the little puppies! LITTLE PUPPIES ARE AWESOME!
7. Fuck, you tricked me on #6. Let's tally up the points

Me: Five, plus an extra one for being so cool.

You: One, minus one for being a homosexual.

Final Score; me 6, you 0. Fuck off.


im leaving 4ever now really i promise

<3 <3 <3

Wow, this just came to my attention. Thanks for livening up the old comment box, Matty. Though i must say, the truly confrontational internet loser would have at least commented on a current post. Those are the ones that usually get my attention.