Today the Pope decided that it's cool if you're down with the big bang theory and evolution. He's getting laid back, that Pope. But you still can't fuck with his car. That's an ass whooping waiting to happen. And don't even think about looking at his shoes. Dude's style is not for sale.

Pope Francis ditches red shoes for black shoes 

I used to know a girl who told me that she could not believe that criminals are allowed cellular phones in jail. She had read some story about an inmate posting pictures on Facebook from his cell block. When I told her that criminals are not allowed cellular phones in jail she asked, "Then how did he get one?" Yeah, she was really rich and white. Why do you ask?

I'm kidding, I know why you asked.

I really hope you're super afraid of terrorists. The USA really needs you afraid of terrorists. Also, they need a few more billion dollars. To fight terrorists. Give them enough cash and you may not have to be afraid anymore. Maybe.

The World Series is going on right now. In Kansas City. No joke.

I really hope you're super afraid of Ebola. Because I heard that terrorists are gonna use Ebola as a biological weapon. For a couple of billion dollars I can stop this terrorist Ebola threat. Don't tell the USA about my super cool Stop the Terrorist Ebola Plan. I'm a little ahead of their marketing right now and they take that shit personally.

Living in St. Louis and listening to local sports radio call Kansas City Royals fans fat is like living in Nigeria and hearing local radio call Kenyan's black. Except, you know, without all the Ebola.

Okay, without the majority of the Ebola.

And finally because logic and fluidity are quarantined, I leave you with the following, which I overheard on a fucking date:

"The thing about dentists is, you don't really want to date them until they get established because they have so much debt they're basically like college students with more responsibility and longer hours."

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