Points in Case > The Snippets are Always Safe

The Snippets are Always Safe

Posted March 28th, 2007 by Nathan DeGraaf
Me: You know what the hardest thing about being an umpire is?
Ian: Calling a consistent strike zone.
Me: Nope. The hardest thing about being an umpire is keeping mustard stains off your uniform. And ginger ale gets out mustard stains. But the thing is, no ballparks ever sell ginger ale. That's why you should always keep some ginger ale in your car.
Ian: That is, by far and away, the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Me: Marinate on it. It'll get through.

Me: The thing is, I'm sick of all the cliche's associated with being an umpire?you know, with being around baseball all the time.
Lee: So what you're saying is, you want some new sayings?
Me: In a manner of speaking, that is the matter of which I am speaking?
Lee: What the hell is the matter with your manner, anyway?
Me: That's another subject, completely.

Lee: So what sayings are you sick of?
Me: "Hot enough for you?" and "It's not so much the heat as it is the humidity" are the two that really piss me off.
Lee: But it ain't even hot yet.
Me: But it will be. That's why we need to work on the new cliche's, now.
Lee: Okay, I'll bite. What do you want to replace them with?
Me: How about "How's your ball sweat?" and "It's not so much the heat, it's the dry heaving"?
Lee: You've given this way too much thought.
Me: Thanks.

Coach T: But that's not fair.
Me: Fair? Ain't that the place where you get the caramel apples? Life ain't fair. I can only call what I see.
Coach T: That's not right.
Me: Yes it is. It's exactly right. Wrong would be for me to call what you see, you see?
Coach T: You're a little too strange for baseball.
Me: Gesundheit.

Me: I just taught your son everything I know about field umpiring.
Pam: Wow.
Dave: It ain't that impressive, Pam. It only took him three minutes.
Me: Yeah, I don't know all that much.

Me: Why would you want to be an umpire, Aaron? Everybody hates umpires.
Aaron: You're an umpire.
Me: Yeah, and do you know anyone who actually likes me?
Aaron: I'm not answering that.
Me: Smart move.

Coach B: I like your strike zone.
Me: Thanks.
Coach B: Hate your uniform.
Me: Oh yeah, I uhh.. have this problem with mustard? anyway, good game.
Coach B: Good game.

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8 Comments

The Dude's picture
The Dude (not verified) on March 28th, 2007:

"You're a little too strange for baseball."

Too weird to ump, too rare to die.

Leslie's picture
Leslie (not verified) on March 28th, 2007:

Will you marry me? You're absolutely hysterical.

eve's picture
eve (not verified) on March 29th, 2007:

ohhh Nate you crack me up

dustin's picture
dustin (not verified) on March 29th, 2007:

ahhh, snippets.
whats not to like?
seriously though, what of this long-promised snippet book, nate?
what gives?

Mr. Cheekz's picture
Mr. Cheekz (not verified) on March 29th, 2007:

You look like you're about to fuck some shit up for a few 13 y/os in that pic. You should also get a pic of that milf you were with.

BTW, I don't know if you know about this site, but if you're looking for more ways to procrastinate (and who isn't!), check out this one.
http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/

This is right up your alley if you liked Tony Homo.

Nathan's picture
Nathan (not verified) on March 29th, 2007:

Dustin, it is in the process of being published. Unfortunately, that is a long process.

Thanks, everyone else.

Amanda's picture
Amanda (not verified) on March 29th, 2007:

what happened to stoner chick? i miss her.

Bart's picture
Bart (not verified) on March 29th, 2007:

As long as the snippet book has some new snippets...and by some, I mean, all of them are new...I'll buy it.

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