The Snippets Ain't Sober

Me: I have decided that from now on, I will never drink again.
Pat: And I have decided that from now on, you are a liar.
Me: Fair enough.

Dave: You want a beer?
Me: Nope. I quit.
Dave: Ah ha ha. No, really? You want a beer?
Me: Really, I quit.
Dave: Hey Frank, you got an update on the current temperature in hell?

Frank: I hear you quit drinking.
Me: Yup. I'm on the wagon.
Frank: I got twenty bucks that says that wagon pulls into the nearest bar before two weeks is up.
Tom: Two weeks. Hell, I'll bet you don't last four days.
Ian: I'll bet you don't get through the night.
Me: Maybe I should join Alcoholics Anonymous.
Tom: Man, that's just a place to meet chicks.

Me: You really think that AA is just a place to meet chicks?
Tom: Oh yeah. I used to do it all the time. You just go in, find some chick, take her out to dinner, where she invariably has a drink, then you laugh about how stupid AA is, then you take her home, get her stoned, and fuck her.
Me: You're going to hell.
Tom: Well, at least I know we'll still be able to hang out.

Frank: Screw this, man. Let's go to the bar.
Tom: Deal.
Dave: I'm in.
Ian: Yeah, I'll drive.
Me: I'll go, too. Hey, don't look at me like that. Just 'cause I'm not drinking doesn't mean I can't socialize.
Ian: Like I said, no way he gets through the night.
Me: Your faith in me is really outstanding, you know that?
Dave: No, Nate. Our faith in you is based on experience.

Jenny: Hey, can I buy you a drink?
Me: Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? I mean, aren't I supposed to buy you a drink?
Jenny: Well, you don't have one. Plus, how am I gonna take advantage of you if you're sober?
Me: Rum and Coke, please.

Dave: So, not only did you drink last night; you got sloppy drunk and banged some random chick?
Me: That's the long and the short of it.
Dave: So, how long did you go without drinking?
Me: Thirty eight hours.
Dave: Yeah, I don't think the AA makes a chip for that, lush.
Me: Hey, I got laid. That's all that matters.

Dave: So are you gonna try to abstain from drinking, again?
Me: Well, I got to thinking about it and I was like, fuck it.
Dave: Welcome back, Nate.
Me: Thanks for having me.

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