Amy: Hey, tell them what you got me for Valentine’s Day.
Me: Babe, save it.
Amy: No, go on, tell them.
Melanie: What’d you get her, Nate?
Me: Nothing.
Amy: In fact, he lost a shirt of mine on the same day.
Me: Hey, we’d only been together three weeks.
Amy: Six weeks, you fuck.
Peek: Nice, Nate. Nice.
Doug: Hey, I’m sorry I’ve been in such a bad mood. I just found out that the wife’s pregnant and I scheduled a vasectomy.
Me: Congratulations. I mean, that sucks. I mean…
Doug: Yeah, that about sums it up.
Amy: I was sitting outside your apartment for fifteen minutes. Mosquitoes ate me alive.
Me: Well, you should have called.
Amy: I told you I was gonna come by when I finished playing video games with Justin.
Me: Yeah, that was an hour and a half ago. I finished my column and I went to the bar.
Amy: If you go somewhere, you should call and tell me.
Me: Fuck that. What do you think this is? You think I’m gonna call and let you know every time I go somewhere? Get a grip.
Amy: You’re not very good at this relationship stuff, are you?
Me: Hey, you know Hallmark doesn’t make even one Vasectomy related get-well card?
Danielle: And you’re surprised by this?
Me: Hey Peek, I think those people are in our seats.
Peek: Yes! Finally, it happens to someone else.
Me: Hey, how’d the vasectomy go?
Doug: Oh, it was just peachy. I’m thinking of doing it again. You really ought to consider it.
Me: No, my goal is to spread my seed. That’s why I take vacations with an alias.
Doug: You wrong.
Amy: Wow, you’re beautiful. I’d really like to take you home. How old are you?
Random Cheerleader: Fifteen.
Amy: Okay, forget about it. I can’t use you.
Peek: That’s some girl you got there, Nate.
Me: Yeah, I’m proud.
Doug: Okay, this is the last time I walk up here and explain shit to you.
Me: Well man, this stuff here ain’t easy.
Doug: I don’t care. My balls are killing me. If you want my help, you have to respect the balls.
Me: Okay, you know I’m totally writing that down.