Mywoman: Are you gonna wear a suit to the wake?
Me: A suit? Hell no. Tom would rather die than make me wear a suit.
Mywoman: Honey, he is dead.
Me: And he still wouldn't dream of making me wear a suit. He's a great guy like that.

Me: Looks like I'm running late. I-75 is a parking lot. My car is literally in park.
Ben: Yeah, my uncle Craig was in that traffic. He said that when he got to the end of it, there was a whole bunch of body bags and serious injuries.
Me: Wow. That makes me feel better.
Ben: Well good because… wait, what?
Me: I've been sitting in this jam for twenty minutes and the whole time I'm thinking, "Somebody better be dead." And now they are. So I've gone from totally pissed off to mildly inconvenienced.
Ben: Glad I could help.
Me: Me too.

Me: Why are you wearing a scarf?
Dan: It's the style.
Me: It's seventy degrees out here and even warmer where you live in California.
Dan: I know how warm it is but it's the style. Everyone's wearing scarves nowadays.
Me: Even warm heterosexuals?
Dan: Yup.
Me: I refuse to believe you.
Dan: Ignore me at your own peril, Nate.
Me: Yeah, I live in fear.

Dan: I feel ghetto carrying this tray of chicken nuggets through the parking lot. Like, what kind of party has a tray of chicken nuggets? A ghetto party. That's what kind.
Ben: Man, those nuggets will be the first thing to go. Everyone loves nuggets.
Me: Plus, I mean, these are Chic-Fil-A chicken nuggets. They are far and away the most gourmet nugget available in southwest Florida. So if you think of it in those terms…
Ben: Then we're the richest nugget eaters in the world right now.
Dan: Wow. All of the sudden I am proud to carry these nuggets.

Ben: I'm gonna start a fire. Where's the gasoline?
Me: That's not how you start fires.
Ben: That's not how YOU start fires, Nate. There are many ways to start a fire and mine is both quick and easy.
Dan: Like your mom.
Me: That was too easy, Daniel. Have some restraint.
Dan: Your mom's too easy. She's the one who likes restraints.
Me: This is unfair. Your mom is right here.
Dan: So what?
Me: So I promised I wouldn't bone her with you guys in the house.
Ben: Oh shit.

Ben: Wow I have a massive hangover.
Me: I have porn on my phone. Wanta see?
Ben: Not particularly.
Me: But you will.
Ben: Well, it is a nice phone…

Ben: We have to go get groceries.
Me: Why?
Ben: For breakfast.
Me: Oh. That makes sense.

Ben: What kind of bacon should we get?
Me: Let's get turkey bacon.
Ben: Don't make me hurt you.

Ben: What's going on?
Me: With what?
Ben: That chick just smiled at you and said thanks.
Me: I know. I lived it.
Ben: So what was she thanking you for? What could you have possibly done in the twelve seconds you were standing in line to get cigarettes?
Me: I think we can both agree that no one stands in line like I do.
Ben: We can?
Me: Yes we can.
Ben: I don't know if I can.
Me: Well I have faith in you.
Ben: Thanks.

Mywoman: How was the wake?
Me: It was a really good time.
Mywoman: Nate… That's not nice.
Me: It was a good time though. It was a Scottish wake and apparently that just means we all drink Scotch with people named Scotty. Oh, and Ben's mom gave me Tom's old bowling ball.
Mywoman: You don't bowl.
Me: I do now, Baby. I do now.

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