The Snippets Plant

Me: What up, Peek? Thanks for calling.
Peek: What are you doing?
Me: I'm going grocery shopping.
Peek: Grocery shopping? Like what, are you getting a sub or some chicken or something?
Me: No, I'm just shopping for the week.
Peek: When did this start?
Me: I've always done this.
Peek: I never knew you shopped like that.
Me: Well I mean, when the fuck would we ever sit around and talk about grocery shopping?
Peek: Yeah, it is a lame subject. So why are we talking about it now?
Me: Probably 'cause the Cardinals missed the playoffs.
Peek: They sucked this year up their fucking noses.

Jake: Have you ever worked out with us before?
Me: Yes.
Jake: Oh wow. Here you are in our computer system. This says you quit us back in '03. Where you been working out?
Me: Peabody's.
Jake: Where's that?
Me: It's the bar just down the way from this place.
Jake: I see.

Peek: I quit smoking.
Me: How'd you do it?
Peek: I just had to keep finding other stuff to do. Like every time I ever wanted a cigarette, I would plant.
Me: Plant what?
Peek: Plants.
Me: What kind of plants?
Peek: I don't know dude. I'm not a fucking gardener. It was just something to do to take my mind off smoking.
Me: Well, that's awesome. Good for you.
Peek: Yeah, except now we have too many plants.
Me: Well, there are worse problems, I guess.
Peek: You want a plant?
Me: No.

David: Your body mass index is 19%.
Me: Wow. That sucks.
David: Actually, by American standards, for your age, that's not too bad.
Me: Yeah. Our country is fat.

Me: I quit drinking on weekdays.
Nicole: Wow. Why?
Me: I'm getting back in shape.
Nicole: What brought this on?
Me: The fact that taking off my shirt at the beach actually decreases my chances of picking up a chick.
Nicole: When the next girl asks, just tell her you're worried about your health. It may not be true, but it comes off less vain.
Me: Thanks for the advice.
Nicole: You're welcome.
Me: But I don't really give a fuck, anyway.
Nicole: You're an asshole.

Me: This is Nathan.
Random Lady on phone: David?
Me: Nathan.
Random Lady: Mason?
Me: Nathan.
Random Lady: What kind of a name is Mason?
Me: I don't know; English, I think. My name is Nathan.
Random Lady: I thought you said your name wasn't David.
Me: You can just call me Nate if you like.
Random Lady: Okay, Nick.
Me: How can I help you?

Rick: Nate, man. I haven't seen you in the gym for forever. Where you been?
Me: Drunk.
Rick: For four years?
Me: It sounds bad, but at least I have nothing to show for it.
Rick: That's not true. You've got all that fat.
Me: Oh yeah, now I feel better.

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