The Snippetest Place on Earth

Kevin: This is the Mex. You name any animal on Earth and he's eaten it.
Me: Armadillo?
Mex: Oh yeah.
Me: What about Cat and Dog?
Mex: Yup.
Me: What about Zebras?
Mex: I've only eaten animals that are native to the Americas.
Me: Well, at least you have limits.

Waitress: And what would you like to drink?
Brown: A mango smoothie.
Me: You have got to be shitting me.
Kevin: Look Brown, even the waitress is laughing at you, and she needs your money to live.
Waitress: No, no. I'm not laughing at him. I think it's cute.
Me: It is kind of cute.
Kevin: Yeah, in a totally homosexual kind of way.
Brown: Fuck you guys.

Me: Yeah, you South Americans all hate each other.
Mex: I don't hate Bolivians. I just think they're beneath me.
Kevin: Well, at least you don't hate them.

Me: So the doctor told you to cut out fatty food, stop drinking liquor and stop smoking cigars.
Kevin: Yeah.
Me: And since I've met you, all I've seen you do is?
Kevin: Fuck off, okay. I mean, allow me a few days out of the month to live for crying out loud.

Brick: Okay, so I was supposed to take my seven year old nephew down to Florida from St. Louis.
Me: Okay.
Brick: Okay, so the night before we're supposed to leave, the trailer I'm pulling gets a flat. So I wake up the next morning and go up to Auto Zone to get a new tire.
Me: I'm with you so far.
Brick: Then, while I'm at Auto Zone, I get a call from my sister. And we're talking and she says, "So, what does your nephew think of Auto Zone?"
Me: Okay.
Brick: So I say, "Well, he's not here. He's at home sleeping."
Me: So?
Brick: So, long story short, I get home and there's a neighbor lady in the house waiting for me and my mom calls and my brother calls and everyone's fucking yelling at me for leaving the kid alone unsupervised while I got the damn tire. And now, my nephew can't go to Florida with me, I'm a horrible uncle and the entire family thinks I'm scum.
Me: What happened to the kid?
Brick: Nothing. He slept through the whole fucking thing. He still probably doesn't understand what happened. I mean, when did the whole world turn into a bunch of overprotective wimps?
Me: Shortly after the grunge era, I think.
Brick: I hate this fucking country.

Me: This town looks like someone threw up a strip mall.
Kevin: Well, at least you don't complain about it.
Me: I hate Orlando and everything it stands for. I hope Mickey Mouse gets VD and dies. I mean, of all the towns that get destroyed by hurricanes, why does this place always come out unscathed?
Kevin: Uh, it's in the middle of the state.
Me: Still, if there was a just god?
Kevin: You'd probably be in jail.
Me: Ouch. That was cold.

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