Breaking the Snippets

Me: So, my girlfriend cleaned my place, and in doing so, she managed to break my coffee pot and destroy my bathroom rug. So, her cleaning my place will end up costing me about forty dollars.
Bobby: That’s women for you: finding new and unusual ways to spend your money.
Me: Yeah. They’re great for that.

Me: That was the worst game I’ve ever seen in my life. Those kids had no business being on a baseball field. I counted thirty three errors.
Kris: Yup, they sucked. I could have crapped a better game out of my ass. In fact, if I get the nuclear wings tonight, I probably will.
Me: If we had Jane Goodall and a few years, we could train chimps to play better than those boys played today.
Kris: Hell, I could probably teach the chimps to crap better games out of their asses.
Me: No. I think that’s more of a natural talent.
Kris: Yeah. I guess you’re right. My ass has talent.

Me: Thanks for buying that toilet paper.
Court: Consider it the last gift I ever give your ass. Literally.

Jenna: I’m changing my major to Creative Writing.
Me: That was my major.
Jenna: Really? What do you do with it?
Me: I write whatever I want.
Jenna: Does that pay well?
Me: Not unless your definition of “well” actually means “not at all.”
Jenna: Well, I can always fall back on my looks. What do you fall back on?
Me: Actually, I have to fall back on my brains.
Jenna: Ouch.
Me: Yeah. I know.

Becky: I want to fuck you so bad.
Me: Like, right now?
Becky: No. I’m working right now. How about later?
Me: Well, I have a girlfriend. Do you think you could fuck her, too?
Becky: You’re kidding, right?
Me: No.

Me: Thinking of it from a purely intellectual standpoint, it’s very difficult to limit the negative effects of perspiration while still reaping the physical advantages.
Kris: My balls itch.
Me: Exactly.

Becky: Describe yourself in one word.
Me: No.
Becky: Interesting approach.

John: I figured out why I drink so much.
Me: Why?
John: Can’t remember. I was drunk when I figured it out. But I certainly had impressed myself with my self awareness.
Me: So, you remember that you figured it out, but can’t remember what exactly you figured out?
John: Pretty much.
Me: That sucks.
John: Wait. I got it.
Me: What? You know why you drink so much?
John: It’s ‘cause I’m a drunk. And that’s what drunks do.
Me: Deep.
John: I’m like a philosopher.
Me: Except you’re not.