Me: I'm thinking of starting my own company.
Pat: And what would that company do?
Me: Well, seeing as how I have no discernible skills, I guess I could be a consultant.
Pat: And what would you consult on?
Me: Uhh, business type stuff.
Pat: That'll look great on a business card.
Sandra: Are you gonna eat that?
Me: No. I just cooked it and put it on this plate in front of me so I could stare at it a little. Are you hungry?
Sandra: Not really. I'll just have a little of yours.
Me: The hell you will.
Sandra: Excuse me?
Me: I'm thinking of starting my own consulting business.
Tony: I'm thinking about maybe getting a pizza.
Me: What does that have to do with my new business?
Tony: Nothing. I just figured I would talk about something that may actually happen. You know, for a change.
Me: Look, if you want your own food, I'll make you a plate and you can eat the whole thing.
Sandra: But I don't want to eat the whole thing.
Me: That's fine. You can throw your food away. I, however, do want to eat all of my food. That's why I made it.
Sandra: I can't just have a few bites?
Me: No.
Me: I'm thinking of starting my own consulting business.
Tara: I didn't realize there was a demand for helping people act like immature jerkwads.
Random guy: Damn, man. She really shot you down.
Me: We used to date.
Random Guy: Well, I'm glad you're still on good terms.
Me: Everyone's a smartass.
Me: I hate how chicks always want to eat a little bit of whatever I'm eating.
Pat: I hate how chicks never want to return my calls or have sex with me. Quit your bitching.
Me: It's no fun talking to you.
Pat: Dit fucking oh.
Me: I'm thinking about starting my own consulting business.
Dad: Usually, you have to know something about something to be a consultant.
Me: I figure I can bullshit it.
Dad: Yeah. Why should your business be different than everything else you do?
Labels: snippets