1. “Look, this thing can lean, twist, and change directions. It can decide whether to rock the baby slam dunk itself on a non-porous surface, or pass itself to an open nostril.”

2. “It would be foolish to dismiss recent studies which point to a correlation between COVID-19 transmission rates and a lack of pillow-soft foot cushioning.”

3. “I'm not what you'd call a glamorous man. But I've got one thing that's easily understood: after serving 23 years as Mötley Crüe's doctor, I can tell you that sex with groupies, sleep deprivation, and my drug cocktail will speed recovery.”

4. “I tell you, schools are a very appetizing opportunity. I just saw a nice piece in The Lancet arguing the opening of schools may only cost us 2 to 3 percent, in terms of total mortality.”

5. “The virus's signature blend of 23 flavors is truly unique, which is why it was clearly made in a Chinese military lab.”

6. “We dealt with something like this in Colorado Springs back in 1867, when a sick cowboy brought a pretty deadly strain of influenza to town. But you know what, we kept the livery and mercantile open.”

7. “Look, the fact of the matter is we have people dying—45,000 people a year die from automobile accidents, 480,000 from cigarettes, but we don't shut the country down for that. But yet we're doing it for this?”

8. “LIBERATE TOMBSTONE”

9. “Every epidemiologist has a plan until they get punched in the face. What? Yes, I'm a doctor. It's an honorary degree from Central State University, but I am a doctor. Evander Holyfield doesn't have one.”

10. “This virus is a biological error, much like homosexuality. Thanks for having me on, Lou.”

11. “Coronavirus and the flu virus contain the same number of particles. Structurally, there's no discernible difference. Life and death are unquantifiable abstracts. Why should we be concerned?”

12. “There's no evidence this virus jumped from Leopard-Man to humans. None. And how would it even get off my island? Thanks for having me on, Lou.”

13. “Submersion in this medical tank should cure anyone exposed to extreme cold, wampa injuries, or COVID-19, which started with tauntauns.”

14. “This all began when Desmond didn't reset the countdown protocol in the bunker. WE HAVE TO GO BACK!”

15. “This is an overblown press-created hysteria. This thing is well in hand. President Trump is absolutely correct.”

16. “I didn’t kill my wife! The new 5G tower by my house did!”

17. “We can't wait until ‘every vestige' of coronavirus is gone to reopen the economy. The pyramids were made to store grain. Which cabinet position do I have again?”

18. “Only a concentrated, biodegradable soap—made with organic, certified fair trade ingredients and packaged in a 100% post-consumer recycled bottle—can clean COVID-19 off your skin. Plus, the peppermint version makes your nuts tingle.”


1. Dr. J
2. Dr. Scholl's
3. Dr. Feelgood
4. Dr. Mehmet Oz
5. Dr. Pepper
6. Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman
7. Dr. Phil McGraw
8. Doc Holliday
9. Mike Tyson, Honorary Doctorate of Humane Letters
10. Dr. Laura Schlessinger
11. Dr. Manhattan
12. Dr. Moreau
13. 2-1B surgical droid
14. Dr. Jack Shephard
15. Dr. Drew Pinsky
16. Dr. Richard Kimble
17. Dr. Ben Carson, United States Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
18. Dr. Bronner


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